Daylight Cums: The Awakening Chapter 35

Today, I woke to the rumble of the earth beneath my feet; shaking me out of my slumber as I walked into a tree.  Seriously?!  This battle has been intense and fighting half asleep is doing nothing for my body.  How long have we been holding them off?  How many moons have risen over our crying bodies working to care for those down in battle and the others we must bury?  How many sun rises to remind us of the battle we are in?  Hawk, how did we get here?
You look at me, your silver black hair falling across your intense blue eyes, shaking your head, as you, effortlessly, press to standing.  Your soft brown leather pants, covered in blood and dirt, hugging you as perfectly as the day you first appeared and lead me off on this crazy crazy quest.  What are we even on a quest for?  The purpose of the moments leading us here?  With a sigh you say, "Mistress Daylight, Goddess of the Eternal Sun, Queen of the Sunset Empire and Mother to the House of Cums, you worry yourself with too much thought.  Remember your teachings, "it is all just breath, as long as you keep breathing, it all becomes one and struggle is joy and joy is struggle." Our path has brought us to this moment, and why stand and question, when we can work at this task and press on, always forward, even as we sleep we lay forward on the path. Now, help me with grave so we may honor those that fell today and ready ourselves for tomorrow."
Oh how you exasperate me somedays!!!  I wipe the sweat from my brow, toss back my hair and wrap my hands around the handle of my shovel and dig in to the soil, down and down we dig.  The soil here dry and brittle like layers and layers of peanut brittle, with the occasional area of old crunchy sea foam. We dig well past dark, the last body put to rest, our prayers sung and tears wept and we rise.
You put your arm around me and walk me toward the fire, the smell of cedar in the air, the smell of your armpit on my neck and shoulder, the best perfume ever.  You help me down to the ground and roll me into your strong arms and whisper in my ear, "Sweet Daylight, Marco, Mark, our path is forward, and the path spirals and we go where it may lead.  Our strength is in our continued steps, in our breath, in the love we can share and the time we can give.  The battle is never over, it is our honor to march on.  It is your birthright that has given you power and through these battles we have found our strength and uncovered a love and a knowledge of the All, which has provided us with the desire to quest on to ultimate acceptance and freedom from the cycles of the mind and society."  You roll up onto your shoulder and bring your hand to my face, you brush some soil from my face, your blue eyes looking into my soul, you kiss me deeply.  My soul melts and I feel us become one. You breath into me, "I love you."
With a start, I wake up.  I pull the sheets down and peer out of the window.  What a dream. I make my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I chance a look of myself in the mirror and  I have mud on my cheek.

The Awakening: the final chapter and just the beginning

This quest has taken us far. We have been on this path, searching out the truth of the love of our existence, the yearning to feel connected and open and free. These past few months, our feet upon the earth has been the conversation of our souls. We cross the same terrain, each taking in what we do and sharing in the experience through the space between us and how we dance down the path.

Oftentimes, you are leading me, taking my hand and helping me up or down, lifting me up and over the obstacles on our way. Our conversation has been as complex and gorgeous as watching spiderwebs fluttering in the wind, sunlight  catching them causing me eyes to see brilliant silver threads darting along weightless and free, multitudes of them in every which angle, making clear to us the way that the dimensions shift and waver with every breath we take. Knowing, that if we are open to it we can see beyond and be able to step into our understanding with the knowledge that the answers are as vast as the breath we share.

That our world is every world and all within each moment we let go and give in to gravity, give in to our breath and see the delicate, silent beauty in the magic of those webs bouncing and vibrating sending our message beyond our knowing, sending it up and out to our ancestors and our gods and goddesses and spirits that lead and inform us along our way; guiding us towards our perfection of non-perfection in an ever shifting tide of emotions.

Within each step there is the solidity of the earth and the rebound  of flight and a return to the ease of gravity and the pull to continue on.

In my vision, as we were dancing under the mystic light of these glorious skies, I saw 3 triangles, one reaching beyond the other and as I danced, I saw how their alignment made the plane before me show the path to our, I guess I would call it our destiny, but that seems so huge; maybe to our now, to where we need to be to just be present and take it all in.

I think that has been one of the greatest tools we've discovered thus far. Understanding that things are what they are, good or bad, ugly or glorious, Ta da there we have it. I'm reminded of it with every step we take, seeing how life grows out of death and how the decaying elements provide life to those things growing up and out. The song of the trees, the dancing of the wind along everything, the spiderwebs bouncing, putting a spring to our step as we step one step beyond where we have ever known..

You and I being open to the challenges of our quest. We have both felt this in our steps. Each one becoming more charged, strength in a stride that should be growing weary, yet, our will grows within us, filling our lungs with the sustenance to journey on without tiring. Within each moment I feel my love, fear, hatred, nervousness, strength, weakness and desire to be open swirling around me darting in each and every angle possible causing an explosion of shards of glorious light to shake and vibrate off me like a dew kissed spiderweb in the morning sun, just becoming aware of the sensation of warmth.

We are at the mouth of the river, we kneel down to touch it's crisp beauty and feel it's song on our flesh. Gazing into the water, I see you looking up at me, only I'm you looking down at me.

I instantly flash to that moment all those years ago. The moment we first had our lives intertwined. I was being pushed and pulled along the forest floor, coming to rest at the foot of an old and very large red cedar tree. To the right of a tree was a bush that began to bounce with light and electricity and you stepped from within in and locking me with your eyes you pointed up and I began to fly at you and I flew up and landed upon the middle of 3 branches and I was you looking up at me, only I was a hawk facing north. At that moment, guide and novice were joined as one.

At the same moment, I see us surrounded by a circle of people drumming, our family, our tribe, singing and drumming around us as we dance the dance of our life, our story, holding, throwing, climbing, thrusting, kissing to the moon and back; singing until there are no more words only the sound of our hearts matching the rhythm of the drums as we fade away into the heavens, each star becoming a pore to our being.

We understand, the veil has been lifted as we step through together, shifting into one. I stand and gaze at the distance, the tide gently kissing my toes, the water calling me on, I let the tide grab hold of my heart as I take one more step beyond and find my footing supported as I walk on and through, the sun setting behind me as I step past the horizon and on to this new plane...

Setting the bitch free, struggling to keep it joyous when all I want to do is scream and slap...or, communication skills 101

It is a little known fact that I can be a bitch. I accept responsibility for that. I recognize that strain of rage within me and I have spent many years trying to get those moments less frequent in my life. I have always said that it's because I am direct when I speak with people. I don't like to beat around the bush to get to my point. I would rather save time and just say what I need to say and continue on.

Years ago, I had the veil lifted when people were writing yelp reviews about the cafe and on several occasions I was referred to as 'the bitchy queen behind the grill'.  Nice.

 Bitchy because I would answer questions like, "how much longer is my food going to be?" " I didn't order that?" "What are you doing?" " you are too old and chubby for those small shirts." It goes on and on and on.

I would always reply with one liners like, "well, I'm working on these tickets and you are there." "It's a tomato." "You ordered a mercy right?" 

I've always had a job that puts me on display and I had to let go of myself along the way. Constantly wondering if my cake waist was too much, if my neck was too hairy, would this shirt make me pit out and look like I had been carrying raw plucked turkeys under my arms.

I learned how to place myself in a protective zone so that I could work fast and give people love filled food; which could be a challenge depending on who was sitting behind me and asking me a million and one questions as I chopped and tossed and sliced and diced away.

This past week, I was reminded of this as I made crepes at the Oregon Country Fair. Standing at the grill, pouring, flipping and filling crepe after crepe, hour after hour and people would be, " how much longer on my crepe?" "where am I in the line of tickets?" "

I'm thinking, "Where is the love?" "This is Country Fair, right?" When I told someone, " if you are in that much of a hurry I'd be happy to pour the batter in a cup and mix in the toppings and you can call it a soup." I knew my battle was not over yet. The bitch, she still lives in me. I felt her excitement build with the anticipation of maybe getting to unleash on someone.

I removed myself from the grill because I don't want to go there.

I hate being a bitch. Finding a way to type this and sort through what I am trying to say, is making me feel bitchy, but I'm trying not to be.

I feel like I have come along way on my quest for the truth of my being. I've learned that just because the bitch wants to rage, that doesn't make it my truth; it is just a trained trigger response to protect myself.

It is kind of like how I have always talked and acted so vulgar and nasty. I did that to fit in and to distract from how uncomfortable I was being who I was surrounded by attitudes that made me feel less than human within in my heart.

So, I let the bitch build the walls to keep everyone away so that I wouldn't be harmed by the negativity thrust at me since the 4th grade.

As I've been unfolding the layers I've stacked and rolled around my being, morsels of the past fall out and I am able to reexamine and understand that I reacted out of fear.

Fear of letting people see me. Fear of letting people know me and how sweet and sensitive I really am. Fear of accepting the reality of my being. Fear of honesty. Fear of intimacy, of a life lived full.

There was/is a whole lot of fear going on inside of me.

As I have faced these fears as I step out and up, I let them go and try to be my truth.

At fair, I saw this on so many people. It is always a soul and eye opener for me. Getting to see thousands of people wandering through the woods expressing their true natures and being fully alive for this moment in time.

Sitting in the Ritz, surrounded by naked people of all shapes and sizes and colors and textures and all of us tuning our voices together as we 'om'and sing as we sweat the toxins out. Soul cleansing.

Magic, I tell you. Honest to goodness magic of the simplest form. Eye to eye contact, heart to heart hugs and laughter ringing up through the trees.

In many ways, I'm lucky because many of my friends and family see the honest me. They don't turn away when I have to express one or another aspects of my being. I have chosen to listen to what my heart says and it is varied and I love that.

I love that I can flit around in my feather skirt and eyelashes and wander barefoot with my crew; or wear my unicorn tights and furs and jewels, or be able to sit near my friends naked and know no judgement. These are the moments I carry home with me and try to retain as I make my way through life back on pavement with judging eyes and attitude.

Thank goodness for Dragalution. Seriously.

Yesterday, I was sitting with my brother and Kourtney, having a visit and just talking about all the crazy situations that are happening in our family and around the world. A family friend came in and was all joyous to see Steven, giving a big hug and such kindness and then barely able to even make eye contact with me and only able to make a snide comment; I removed myself and went to say hi to someone else. This person just can not handle who I am and it was so obvious.

I brought it up after the person left and they were just blown away by it. The reality is, that happens to me daily. That fake nice but really condemning me to hell. And I'm not trying to be a bitch, but, honey, that is your world not mine.

I stand in the light and I strive to be good and love all beings regardless of who or what they are or how they live.

I am the last person to judge anyone. 

Once you spend a lifetime being judged and condemned, it makes it easy to not do so to others.

I guess what I am getting at is that your judgements are your judgements, your anger towards me is your anger. For every ounce of hatred  you thrust at me I will respond with open arms and love.

I am the fool and I will trust again and again, no matter how many times you knock me down,  I will stand again and keep moving on. 

This is something we can all work on. We need to find a way to have more patience and kindness for one another. We share this space together and why not have some fun while we are at it?? Why do we feel the need to fight or put one another down? Why do we get pleasure out of watching people suffer, fail and struggle? Why do we not want to acknowledge each other as we pass on the street? So many 'why's.

It is at times like these, as tensions and anxiety rise, that we need to remember to take a deep breath and a moment before we react and to try to respond through kindness and patience. It is actually a lot easier that you think, it just takes a little longer, but hey, what is the rush? Take the time to love your life, slow down and take in the world you live in and the people around you. We are all so varied and beautiful, we are worth the look of admiration.

All my love,

Daylight 

 

Astoria Pride: Community Strong

As I pulled myself out of bed Sunday morning, to make my way to meet the family, I felt the soreness of my feet and body, blisters from strutting myself through town this weekend full of pride and the love from this community. I make my first stop, spiced nuts, and the lady starts telling me about the attack in Orlando, my world starts spinning , joy leaving and being replaced by sorrow and confusion. As I continued on, more people stopped me to tell me more details; it went on like this for my brief visit to the market.

I felt like I was being pulled under and that all of the bliss and light and love we raised this weekend was being washed away and I couldn't see which way to stand strong. My feet were flailing in the currents of emotions and I was drowning in my tears.

It brought a reoccurring dream to mind: I'm standing in the ocean and the tides  shift and I am yanked under the current and get pulled under and I am entangled in seaweed, flapping for dear life, breath escaping me and my body does the only thing it could do which was reach for the ground and stand up. My feet found the sand and I stood and found myself back in the light, air in my lungs and no mistaking where my heart was because it was beating so hard.

That was the energy I had as I made my way up the stairs to my house. I spent some time out back, sitting in the sun, sending the love I have in me up and out and across the country to all those affected by this act of hate and terror.

A few phone calls later, we are preparing for a vigil. On the heels of our INCREDIBLE Inaugural Astoria Pride, the love we generated, we needed to offer that up. I kept flashing on the brilliance and beauty of our parade along the mighty Columbia; all of the people who gathered to walk with us!!! My mind was blown and the final piece of armor over my heart fell away as I saw my mother walking up to me to walk in the parade with us!! 

Such tears of joy. Surrounded by love and light; all of us ready to shine for our community and show our true colors.

All of the families gathered, the children having so much fun!

The trolley arriving, cutting the ribbon and watching the hundreds of people pass by as we make our way up river.

Dragalution took up the rear of the parade, at first, then as we passed, the onlookers would join us and our profession grew with each step we took.

Then, my dad is standing there waiting to walk with us the rest of the way, I am blessed!!! The hugs we got as we continued on. The grandstand at Buoy Beer, Poison Waters and Dida running the show; hundreds of people gathered to cheer us on!!!

That should have been it but we continued with that love and walked through town, stopping in the shops to thank them for their support by decorating and being there for us, letting our community know they support us.

So much love!!! Love wins! Always.

That tide of excitement carried me through the rest of the day!! The dance party was just astonishing!! So many people of all ages and styles were gathered as we lifted out arms and raised the roof and brought the love out strong. 

Around 11, I felt like I was going to collapse; my body was drained and I had to slip away; my world was spinning, there was so much in me that I couldn't hold it together a longer. That was around the time of the attack..

As we gathered for the vigil; we placed our rainbow flags around the Garden of Surging Waves and tied black ribbons to them. We lit sage and smudged the space, flowers as an offering and we gathered. So many people approaching to share in this moment. Hugs, tears, smiles, laughter and fear. 

I'm doing my best to keep it together, we all are. We share stories, several of our community are from Orlando and knew people that had been torn apart by this act of hatred and terror. 

Tears flooding the ground beneath us, white sage smoke in the air, the choir sings 'over the rainbow' I feel the sun on my face and heart as I sing up and out.

We gather in a circle, well, a snake of a circle, to hold hands. We felt the presence of one another and breathed in all of the joy and bliss that we created this weekend and raised our arms as one and sent all that love and light up and out and across the country to all of those hearts in need. I felt that beacon of light shooting away, my body trembled. My mom holding one hand, my brother the other.

We proceeded to walk through town and hang a black ribbon from all of our pride banners through downtown. Each of us taking a turn. The little kids doing most of the hanging with the loving care of my brother helping them as I held the ladder. Love wins. Always.

It was such a healing moment and one that allowed us to keep that joy and electric love we created this weekend and send it out.

It is at this time, that we have to find our footing together; to not sink back in to the safety of our homes, but to stand as a community to make change happen. We must step forward with love in our hearts. No matter how much anger and rage we have there, we have to shift that tone and step on with love and kindness and open hearts and love. We need to stand together and continue to hold hands and support one another, now more than ever.

We proved somethings

this weekend: we are powerful, we are ready, we are all one and we are extraordinary!!! 

You, my fellow friends, have blown my heart wide open. This weekend exceeded every expectation I had for our pride!!!!! The parade was the highlight of my life. Your love carries me on.

Let us all step forward together, we are warriors of love and change, we are Astoria, we are! Love wins. Always

I am yours,

Marco

I'm guessing He would be one of us, this time around...or... striding towards the gentleness within

For the past few weeks, I have had a thread of a thought weaving in and out of my heart and mind, sliding this way and that, snagging on memories and fears and coming to rest in my soul as I took my first stride into Saint Mary's Catholic Church in a long while.  I was attending a lifelong family friend and wonderful woman's funeral; funeral's make me nervous, expressing sorrow is something I have always worked at avoiding, at least in public.  I've always thought it was a dead give away for my homosexuality and God forbid I let that flash out in church.
Well, I kind of flashed out in church (wink);  I wanted to dress in bright joy and celebration of this incredible woman and I put THE most perfect outfit together and by doing so, brought myself into that building, for the first time in my life, completely as my gay self and did not shrink down in shame for doing so.  And I had the most wonderful time, for being at a funeral, that is.
Funerals are so interesting, in many ways, it is the first time many folks have seen one another in years so it is a cause for celebration and laughter and warm hugs and love. Yet, on the other hand (and please picture Tevye saying this whole paragraph) we are gathering to honor the passing of a beloved person and emotions are more raw and sorrow comes along in huge gusts of sighs and showers of tears. Growing up, as an alter boy and serving as many funerals as I did, I never got used to the way the church would feel when it was so full with emotion, and funeral emotion is unlike anything I have ever felt; it is healing.
That was how I felt as I walked through those doors and opened my arms to all of the hugs and love I could give to my family within these people.  I grew up within these people's arms and I was overwhelmed by the light that beamed out all around me.  As I was making my way to my dad, who was sitting on the other side of the church, not in his usual pew, I pretty much stopped at each pew along the way to have another hug and  share a moment of love with another.  Then, I got to slide in next to my dad.
You can only imagine the eyes on us,  In my mind, I am hearing the flood of questions "his dad must be so happy to have him here with him" "what does he think he is doing being here, dressed like that." "always such good posture," "he better not be taking communion." "maybe he has come home to us." I had to stop the rush of them and just take a deep breath and chill out.  I was seriously nervous about being there.  As happy as I was to be amongst my people, I was freaking out inside,  because the reality of judgement was so evident all through the room.  The walls lined with the Stations of the Cross, Jesus being judged, being persecuted and told he was not welcome and tortured for being himself and killed for his love of God and accepting his path; not an easy one.
And as I took that all in, the thought began weaving it's way into my consciousness, "If Jesus was amongst us right now, having to come back and lead His people back to His loving arms and salvation, he would definitely be a part of the queer community."  Seriously.  He would be asking us to soften our hearts and find the gentleness of our spirits and share them with one another.  He would ask us to stop judging one another.
During the service, this message rang more loudly, shaking my soul.  It was the Priest reading the Gospel and he was, and I am paraphrasing here, reading: "that which you do to the least of my brothers, you do unto me."  rewind.  repeat. say what? "that which you do to the least of my brothers, you do unto me."  translated: you yell your hate and throw your laws down on those not you, you are doing to me (me being God).  Human kindness
Later in the service, we take a moment out and greet one another with peace.  peace be with you. and also with you.  Interesting how some standing near, can make me vanish, not exist.  Others grabbing me in embraces and telling me they love me.  Sideways glances as people pass for communion.  I stayed seated.  I rubbed my dad's back and let the tears flow down my face as I honored her passing surrounded by my past, sitting with these thoughts rushing around in my mind and wondering What Would Jesus Do?
And I look at his image around the room and I see the softness of his presence.  I notice how his stance is one of gentility; not strong like a warrior, but with a relaxed stance, sinking into one hip, arms soft in gesture, human kindness.  Even hanging on the cross, looking at him in death, I see the softness of  his being, I see peace.  For that moment, I see peace and wonder how that reality has been replaced by judgement and rage.  Why is it so important for us to work at keeping others down? Why is it okay to not see one another as we pass on the street?  Why do we give in to fear, when we should have the courage to grow wherever we may be?  Why should  we question helping another in need?
Why shouldn't we want to see our fellow human happy and cared for? Heard and nourished?
I think about these things as I walk my way through town each day. Many tourists seeing this swishy queen in sunglasses and a swag hat and a big travel pack on his back and a rain coat singing and dancing his way down the street, lowering their eyes, and holding their breath in case I stink; for them, I always smile big and welcome them to Astoria.
 Instead of armoring up when I approach people, I soften my gaze and lighten my step, make eye contact and sometimes just smile and nod; but mostly, it is a hug and a laugh.  That is the lesson I received while honoring the passing of this particular woman;  and all that have passed and will pass, may we know love and human kindness the way that she did throughout her life.
My heart softens, my head raises from the toil of emotions to drink in the warmth and beauty of the sun and sky around me as I take a deep breath and throw my arms wide and twirl as I sing, "the hills are a live with the sound of

music....." yes, Mary, I am for real.
love love love,
Daylight

An Ode to Prince....Shaking that ass, shaking that ass

I was washing the dishes this morning when Becky walked in and told me that Prince was dead.  I still can't wrap my mind around that one, it (my mind) is blown right now.  I kept it together as my mind started running through my life with Prince....
It all began up at 1435 3rd, 1984, North facing bedroom.  I loved my room that year.  I had a long stereo with red velvet behind the dark braided wood; it played records and 8 tracks!  That year, I had scored an adaptor to play my cassette tapes at the rummage sale.  It changed my life!! I had also saved up enough money from my gardening job to buy Purple Rain at Bach and Rock.  Oh yeah, back to the room..I had a tea cart with crystal brandy decanters, which I kept filled with iced tea when entertaining guests (which I did often), and an assortment of fancy glasses.  I had a few swivel cushy chairs and my shell collection suspended in fishing net along a corner and across the ceiling.  I also had a plate shelf that I had knick knacks on and special things like my grandma's red high heels and an old pair of driving goggles.
These goggles gave me great insight into Prince and his sexy ways.  When I had my dance parties, in my room, I would put them on when dancing to Prince.  Daylight, Marco and Mark: throwing great house dance parties since 1984.  It's true though (wink).  I used to help organize our CCD youth dances at the Auditorium at Star of the Sea.  Heidi and I would spend hours listening to Portland radio stations for all the current hot hits; I always loved the extended radio remixes.  Got me every time.
I have just really never been able to keep it in.  I just kind of naturally burst.  I'm always wet; seriously.  Niki and her magazine.  So dance sessions in my room were always crazy; we may have been totally white small town Catholic kids, but we could offer it up and express our joy in dance!! The moment I clicked that brand new cassette tape in the 8 track adaptor and flipped the switch and turned up the volume and closed the door and my eyes as I let the music take me over.  My hand needed to explore the space around me and my body.  I had seen a few videos on MTV and had been writing my romance novel, so I had a pretty clear idea of what sexy was all about.  I may have been a hefty boy, but I could cut it up.  I was still dancing at Maddox, upstairs at the Liberty.  Jazz dance; I loved the power of the thrust and isolations.
There is something else, the afterworld....
My body is moving and shaking in ways I can not control.  I cut free, I feel my raw pure nature and spirit of adventure and expression.  I wanted to go crazy.  I could feel it way deep in my being.  Shaking and spinning and thrusting and thrusting and swiveling my hips in ways I never knew were possible.  I know, many times, I would end up just back on the bed feet flat on the mattress as I would thrust my hips skyward over and over releasing the demons that took over me and allowed me to know the strength of sexual desire.  It fueled my curiosity for ever.  Still does.
I'm really more of a hot slutty dancer than a slut.  I've never really slept around. What I love are dance floor flirts that turn into dirty dancing with lots of turns, kicks, slides and pelvic thrusts.  Never enough pelvic thrusts.
That is one gift I love to give people!! I do it via teaching pelvic isolations in my dance classes; even in my ballroom dance classes, especially when working on the cha cha.  Ask any of my adult students and they will tell you.  I make you move your hips.  I don't know why we have such fear of harnessing our core power and letting that energy shine and charge the space around us.  I love the pull you get when you are in a really great dance.  Is it weird that I am telling you this?  Well, I'm weird, so there ya go.  I'm not saying this in a sexual, like I really get turned on by you and want to have you hump me kind of way; I'm saying it in a I can feel that electric pull between us drawing our energies together and causing us to express in ways we normally don't do on the dance floor kind of way...
I love that we have those moments together!!!  The energy we create together is life changing.  We raise the roof and lift our souls up and out as we thrust, touch, turn, dip, clap, snap and step ball change our way through the music. I love that we all trust one another enough to be our open freaky fun and totally normal in my world kind of way.  We will always have our dance.  We can always express, we have the power of movement and the more ways we find to do so; the stronger in life we will become.  Dance heals us.  Dance connects us.  Nothing compares to you.
I remember living in Manhattan, I've always been one that loves to say Manhattan over New York, back in 1994 and how "Sexy Mother Fucker" was my theme song!  I could not hear it enough.  I know it was how I first learned to twerk.  Pressing my bare chest against the hunter green walls of the kitchen/living room, balanced on the pieces of foam I got out of a dumpster to make a couch with; my sling back platform shoes touching the floor as I worked my ass (barely in hot shorts) up and out bouncing my way through shaking my ass, shaking my ass, sexy mother fucker shaking my ass.  All the way across the country, shaking my ass.
I don't know you, but may I have this dance?  Eye contact is good.  I get it I have to go internal too, I have to shut my eyes and let it all wash over me and set me free, transport me beyond.  I can still feel you there, my eyes shut I see your glow, feel the rhythm of your movement quaking the air around me, your arms lifting, work, blossoms, weed, skunk, vintage suit; sex.  Filling my senses and driving me up and out, here I go again left eye to left eye, palm to palm as we swivel and shake through goddess to goddess, floating about the earth as we are held in the sweet sounds a connection unlike any we have had before.  That is why I dance.  That is why I connect.  I like being close to you. Prince, you will always guide me on.

climbing the stairs away from shame

I dress sexy to overcome the shame of my body; just as Marco dresses sexy to overcome the shame of Mark.  Who is Mark? Mark is where it all began...
This time of year, I am always confronted with the face, actually multiple faces, of Mark.  Early me.  April is sexual assault awareness month and also the "anniversary" of my second rape.  1990 was one of those years that was unbelievably incredible and completely tragic at the same time.  It was the year I first experienced sex with another man.  It was, also, the year I was raped by two different men I knew, the second being my boyfriend.
Each year, I am faced with the memories, it doesn't matter how far I have come, or how much I have learned, the shame still lingers.  Each year, the shame isn't as intense; I can actually look at myself in a mirror now without lowering my eyes.
Being Daylight has really opened my heart and eyes to the reality of my life rather than the projections of my shame that generally circle my soul.  Embracing the sexy ways of Daylight has allowed me to look at myself in a different way; in a brighter,  more playful and kind way.   In return, those new sensations allow Marco to see more clearly who I am and, this year, I have been blessed with seeing Mark smiling back at us!  Haven't seen him smile in 26 years.
This year has provided me with more breath and support for my voice.  My meditation has brought me face to face with that terrified, frightened and shame filled Mark who couldn't face the reality of his world as a survivor of rape.  Mark was too occupied with excusing the situation; turning blame on himself.  Only seeing the discarded body, a spine with child bearing hips and an abused ass of his 21 year old body.
I don't remember much from that time.  I recall moving home, but mom and dad had sold the house and were in a rental; so the comfort of my childhood home and forest sanctuary were not available for me.  I remember taking to the bed with a terrible sciatica attack for a few weeks and disappearing behind the dark room and pills.  I remember drinking to face my day and putting on a mask of joy, so that no one would know I had been raped.  I felt like the shame was so large that it was obvious to anyone who would look at me.
Enter Marco, he was new to New York, no one knew him, so he had a fresh slate and a heart full of optimism.  The path to self-love had begun.  About time! The previous 3 years had been a blur of school, cigarettes, performing, drinking and searching.  Searching for a thread of the innocence I loved about myself.  I searched for the kindness I needed to feel alive.
What I found was I learned to be alone, not lonely.  Huge for me.  I was finally able to walk by myself without fear of being attacked; that stemming from the assault my senior year of high school.  Sometimes I feel like the biggest broken record.  Stuck in the same spot; never able to move beyond. This year, as I saw Mark smiling at me, I recognized that is not the case.  I have been climbing a wide spiral stair case up from the depths of my shame.  Always staying towards the center of the stairs, never daring to look over the edge.  I took a page out of my own book, and took a step beyond my comfort zone and peered over the edge and noticed that the distance I have travelled is vast! The starting point nowhere to be seen.
I looked up and out and saw I was surrounded by the vast beauty of nothing, skies and skies open and free.  It caused me to take a breath.  The work has been worth it.  All the years of therapy and learning worth it!  That is the lesson, we are all worth the work.  Facing the issue of sexual assault and not allowing the shame to control me is the technique.  I was flabbergasted the other day when I was having a causal conversation with a friend and I made the comment that this is the first time I've actually liked myself.  I and 47.  I am so glad I figured it out because I am worth the good times on offer.
It was like the moment I first did Contact Improvisation and I have to give myself to another human; I had to give in to gravity and allow myself to be supported by another and give support in return and to move without control.  To allow our bodies to move through space and time as they must.  This lesson was brought even further to light last week at an Alexander Technique workshop and we were focussed on my ribs.  It came up that I carry my ribs more elevated.  I used to say it was from dance and theater.  The reality is, I did it so that I wouldn't shrink away and disappear.  It was my 'fake it till I make it' stance.  I was able to see it for what it is and work on letting it go; giving in to gravity, finding my water strength and giving in and rolling on.  My mantra singing within, "I am not my wounds. I am not my wounds.  I am not my wounds."

Daylight’s Awakening:scene 4

The air is ripe in high spirits and hard work; testosterone soaked linen and leather mixed with smoke and vanilla.  I am lounging on large pillows stuffed with down and covered in rich and luxurious satins and furs; alder branches are at each corner of my bed and long sheer curtains wave gently from the motion in the space beyond me.  The fire is burning is such a way that the shadows of the people gathered cast off images of fantasy I have only dreamt about. Perhaps the words of the Oracle are as true as I believe them to be.

A sudden movement next to me gives me rise; I roll over and my eyes rest on a broad set of shoulders, epaulettes of scars from battle, the stature of a Viking, firm waste and golden skin.  Delicious.  I wasn’t dreaming.  Bless. Just bless…  

As the excitement of the previous evening came to a climax a surge of power rushed into the room as a shadow passed across the room as a Viking God (for lack of any other way to describe the volume and stature of this hunk of a man) stepped into the room.  Recognition was given to him immediately as a spry young man jumped up to greet him and bring him to the Oracle and me.

The way he walks, oh my, such a stride and with such confidence in his hips and by the way his leather pants fit his crotch, I am seeing breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Golden skin and golden red hair pulling my focus to his face and the cool glow from his eyes.  They are like the most amazing light blue swirled with a creamy chartreuse and polished by the moon glowing from the depths of his soul, showing me lifetimes of patience and revolution mixed with love and understanding.

I long to be in that space his glance just revealed to me.  I close my eyes and when I open them, I am sitting on the edge of a very high cliff.  The place vibrates with the same intensity and color of the Viking’s eyes.  The air is comfortable, like a wonderfully warm day with a gentle sea breeze whispering past.  Suddenly, you are standing at my side.  You say, “You are stronger than they foretold.  As I entered I reached out to you with my eyes and you responded and are here.”

“Where are we?” I ask.

“This is the realm of my people, my ancestors are the keepers of the golden moon light and the knowledge of the within.  We are known crystals in your world; in ours, we are known as ‘Buthadilla’ those that guide to the light within.” “You are of us and with our connectivity we can meet in this realm while in yours, this interaction taking only as long as your blink.  We will speak more in your world. Now close your eyes.”

I close them, the cool warmth vanishing; and when I open them you are walking forward, a sly sexy grin on your handsome face. With a grand gesture of your arm you give me a playful and reverent bow going down to one knee and sliding forward and taking my hand in yours, you kiss it and say, “Queen Daylight, I am Edwardo, summoned here upon your awakening to aid on your Quest.  I shall serve as your council  and interpreter.  I am yours.”

As you rise, I drink you in, my mind is all a flutter….you are mine?  how do you mean? You smile.  Leaning forward, my hand still in yours I press into it and rise replying, “ Edwardo, I can’t begin to tell you how pleased I am to meet you! (my heart chakra pulsing towards his, tangible tension ) Would you mind escorting me to my chambers?” I turn and wink at the Oracle; and just like that he is mine.

You are still holding my hand as we enter my sexy and luxurious room, you scoop me into your arms and with a stride, a lunge and a dip you have me on my back and on the bed. Daylight likes, A LOT!! I can’t explain this connection.  We are strangers, but we know each other completely. I want to talk, laugh, touch, devour, listen, breathe, eat, rest upon, and climax all in this moment. You lean in to kiss me, I close my eyes.

When I open them, we are back in Buthadilla, gazing at the beyond. You are sitting next to me and in front of me and at every possible dimensional angle too, no matter where my focus goes, you are directly centered.  Your hands have mine and they are resting in a large amethyst basin full of golden moon light.  My right hand holds a crystal shard and my left rose quartz; they are vibrating in my hand and across my within, bringing ripples across the waves of my soul. 

As we breathe together, the golden silver glow of the moon washes over my entire being, so bright, I close my eyes and let it absorb into every fibre of my being.  I open myself up and let it was all over and within me, bathing me in it’s knowledge.  I keep myself open until the light begins to fade away and I open my eyes.

The glow has been contained within a glass sphere and hung from the area above by a cord of some form.  Unfamiliar sights and smells flood my senses.  Cold, dark angles of objects that seem skilled beyond our worlds knowledge.  What is this place?  These noises? Textures? I shake my head and close my eyes. When I open them, I am staring at your scarred back, the crystal shard and rose quartz in my hands. I snuggle in closer and wrap my arm around your waist and exhale.  You take the crystal shard from my hand and holding my hand in you whisper, “I’ve never encountered a realm like that last place before.  The foretelling is correct, you will bring us to where we need to be, for what comes next.”

to be continued.

shields down people; it is time for some kindness and patience....or, learning from our environment, especially those people in it

It is funny how the day can just reveal so much; the way an interaction at a store goes, greeting people you pass on the street, flipping someone off below the car window as you pass them because they clearly don't know what the hell they are doing or where they are going....just to name a few things that can tend to cause my rage button to rise and react to the situation, generally, not in a very pleasant way.  Why are we conditioned to react in such ways? Why have we been taught that treating people aggressively and without kindness is okay? Why is it so easy to hate?

These are questions that run through my mind more often than not.  They are the basis of me understanding myself and how I interact with the world.  I want to know why I do the things I do; I want to be able to control the way I let words or actions free from my physical being, I want to tame the beast that society has been grooming within me.  We should all want this.  And, then, we are challenged to stand up for ourselves, or let others do it for us, and as exchanges go on, the energy escalates and we find ourselves in rage and frustration and no one is able to listen because all we want to do is get our point across.. Even writing this, I find myself backspacing and deleting so that I can put words down that represent the quest for understanding our interactions and how to step forward with kindness.

The true lesson, and honestly the best gift, is the one we get from those in our lives.  We are so lucky to live in a time when the children are strong and they are seeing themselves and saying, "Mom and dad, brothers and sisters, relatives, friends, neighbors, teachers and preachers, this is who I am and won't you please join me on this journey?"  We are being given such wonderful opportunities to face our fears, face the things we have been conditioned to believe as wrong, and look into the eyes of people we love, maybe even created, and step beyond our comfort zone and see the world though their fresh nonjudgmental eyes.

We get this opportunity every moment of our lives by looking at the people we get to share this world with.  I get to look at you and see that we struggle and strive to keep it together and keep up appearances and all we really want and need is to accept each other and give the support we can, without hatred or prejudice or fear.  Isn't that a wonderful thing?  I believe, yes.

We can't spend our days worrying about what the neighbors are going to think.  We can't keep pushing those we love away because they are not exactly what we think they should be.  We need to stop hating one another and carrying it around with us everywhere we go.

This past week, my eyes and heart have been opened even further; the conversations I have had with the people in my life, close friends and acquaintances have made me realize that we, as a people, need to let go of the training that we have been through and stop the fighting and judging with every breath we take.  We need to take a moment and recognize, as Barbara Streisand would sing, "that we are just people, people who need people,and we are the luckiest people in the world."  Well, it seems to me that we have forgotten about people because we are too busy trying to keep the world from seeing us as the people we are.

It has, literally, taken me 45 years to get to a point in my life where I actually like who I am.  That is right, I have only liked myself for the past 2 years.  I spent my life trying to be the jewel that I thought I needed to be instead of being the beautiful human I am meant to be.  The years I spent hiding myself from the reality of my being are years I will never have again.  Conditioning taught me that I was a filthy little perverted excuse of a man; and I walked in those shoes for too many years.  Got to where I didn't even know what it felt like to walk as myself because I was too consumed at walking as I should.

If we stop and look at our lives and the lives of the people in our world around us, we will notice that we all know someone close to us who is gay, transgender, lesbian, old, handicap, homeless, rich, pious, skinny, fat; we know people of many different colors, with skin conditions, too much hair, no hair.  That recognition should bring us closer together, not further apart.  But it seems to me, each time we are faced with a revealed secret, or aspect to a person's life, we wall up and walk away.  Energetically saying, "good luck with that."

Being involved with the Lower Columbia Q Center and volunteering at the Armory has opened my eyes to reality of how mean we can be to each other.  Don't get me wrong, there is much joy and acceptance that come from these two wonderful services to our community; but sitting at the door taking money on skate nights, don't think I can't sense your judgement.  I had to call out a kid that I have known since he was born because his friends were being homophobic and so he tried to ignore that he knew me and hoped that someone else would sell him popcorn so he wouldn't have to deal with me.  He was 10.  Flabbergasted, I had to say, " your mom would be so bummed out if she knew you were treating me like this." I couldn't ignore it.

Then, walking into the high school last week; it brought those 4 years of fear and abuse back to the foreground of my conscious mind and I realized that fear and hatred can't be the rulers in my body any longer.  I can't adopt the attitudes of people around me.  I have just got to love and accept.  It solidified my prism theory: "the light from within me is reflected within the people that I interact with and when I have moments of tension or frustration of fear with people, how can I see that within myself and use it as a tool to more deeply understand how I interact with the world around me."

That day, walking through those double doors to the main hall at AHS, I knew that the only way to make it trough this world is to throw away my armor and open my eyes and heart and treat all people with kindness and equality.  It is like I learned in personal defense class, soften to the attacker, it disarms them every time.  So, I soften to the blows and words and attitudes towards me.  I don't carry your fear or frustration or judgement of me; those are your issues not mine.  I will not raise my voice to you in rage or ever match you in a hatred battle.  Instead, I will look at you with open and loving eyes and try to understand more deeply why it is that you feel you still need to hate on me or judge me or think that I am less than you because I am gay, or poor or all alone in the world; because my reality is that I live in a place with warm and amazing loving people and we all want to see each other living at our full life potential, no matter how different it may be from the way we see the world.

Let us take our lead from the poplin our lives and stop fussing over what people will think about us and just start living our lives, out loud and figure it out as we go; no concern over the mistakes or falls we make along the way; there is always a friend there to pick us up and help dust us off and encourage us on our way to continue to grow and shine and love and be kind to one another because we are all worth that kindness.  Every moment of every day.  We all hate being judged, so why is it so easy to do to others all the time.

My promise to you, is that I will never judge you.  I accept you as you are and am excited to watch you grow and express and be the light you are meant to be in this world.  I am your friend, your neighbor, relative, giggle spot, confidant and trusted companion.  Know that you are always safe with me and I see YOU!!!

As always, I am hugging you and surrounding you in love and light,
let's make eye contact next time we meet,
Daylight

The Awakening Continues: The Oracle Sings

A hush washes over the room as I step in. The musicians, 4 of them to the right of The Oracle, stop their playing and, along with the rest of the room, bow their heads to me. The Oracle, standing with purpose and grace reaches his arms to me and advances, surrounding me in an embrace I've always longed for. It felt like he was that tree deep in the forest I have leaned against and hugged and laughed and cried beneath my whole life; only now, he was holding me physically.

The Oracle speaks with a deep and soft voice, " You are correct My Queen, I am that tree. All of your years of laughter and tears and reverence you held beneath my shelter awoke the spirit within and I was free, once again, to roam this beautiful planet with others like myself."

Excitedly I interrupt," So there are many more of you?"

His laughter shakes the room,"No, a few here and there. This age is to be known as The Awakening. You have helped to shift the veil and the spirits of the forest, sea and sky are feeling their true beings again. The journey has just begun, excitement builds as more of us Awakened find our way here, beyond the Coast Range, your sweet song fills their hearts and they find there way here, free to be alive as they are."

"A handful are awaiting your orders as to where this quest will lead them, us. I will take you to them shortly, but now, sit, I wish to hear how you arrived."

I sat in his embrace and sank into the comfort of the pillows and furs. Hawk sat slightly away from me, completely alert as to every movement or sound around us. The musicians sit, as well and all eyes are on me as The Oracle asks," Do you recall the moment of your Awakening?"

Sitting in the comfort of the room, I glanced at Hawk, a flash of sights and sounds flutter around my mind. The running water, Hawk brushing the dirt from my body, being pushed up and out of the earth. I recall sitting on the rock in the stream and fighting fighting fighting in my heart, mind and body. The wind blew across my neck and I heard an idea of a voice,' Breathe Daylight. Soften to this rage within and around you. Focus on your breath, then face your demons, one at a time.'

I began focusing on my breath, and I faced each of my demons, one at a time, with kindness, an open heart and ears to listen. What I discovered was that I instantly go into attack mode when any situation arises. My shields go up and I rage within the confines of my fortress. That action immediately causes whoever I may be in conflict with to react the same way. I saw the reality of the situation. Both of us holding up our protective fortresses and yelling and raging but neither of us able to respond because we are deaf and consumed with what we must express."

"The next demon I faced I tried a different approach; I took a deep breath, softened my chest and opened my heart and walked forward with kindness and ears to listen. I discovered that the same happened with my demon, and we were able to understand and move forward without conflict. That was when I lost my form and I was washed into the stream and I felt my head being held by our ancestors encouraging me to continue to unfold and let go and as I did so, I became one with all things and the next thing I remember is the sound of running water and the feel of the forest floor beneath my face. As I recalled how I came to be there, I grew out of the earth and awoke to Hawk brushing the earth from my belly, wrapping me in this robe and bringing me to you."

The Oracle held me in his gaze as he rose, a movement that happened so swiftly and quickly that I had to do a double take.  He swept his arms wide and laughed with such thunder I felt it beneath my seat, “Daylight, it is as it was foretold….” the musicians begin to play again and the Oracle sings, “The Awakening, as we enter this new age, we will face the demons of our lives and be challenged to face them.” (the music sounds like thunder and wind and birds in the early morning building and giving way to morning and the warmth of the sun) “We must strive for that kindness within.  We lower our shields, we raise our heads and lower our shields and engage with a smile.” The violin takes over and lifts my soul from my chest and I rise. I join in on the tide of the music, riding the beautiful wave of knowledge as I am carried to shore, “I face you, I see you, we are here, yes we are. This road, it leads us on, never guaranteeing anything more than adventure.  This life it is ours and we must choose to live it. I see you standing here and I want to be swept away in the moment of your smile and sing and dance and move on and out.” The music build and laughter fills the air, the sweet fragrance of spring in the air, cherry blossoms fluttering down around us all as we share in this moment, this calm before the storm.

Even though we were in celebration, we knew that this quest was going to be long and challenging and our song hard to hear over the yells in the world around us. The Oracle grabbed my hand and twirled me towards him and dipped me and taking my last thought from me, he sings in my ear, “and it will all be just fine, because we have Daylight on our side.”

to be continued.