I am one that loves a good, as I like to call 'holiday' ( makes me feel more worldly (wink) or special), or vacation. My sister and her husband bought me a ticket to Hawaii and we have been planning for months. I had narrowed it down to 5 bikini, 3 of my own (including my hot pink one just in case) and 2 borrowed from my girl Teri Yukki (thanks babe!). I had been working on getting some muscle tone and strength back in my body since I had been down for several months; granted those months did have about 5-10 days of not being down and we all know I "performed" for my party.
It didn't feel like a performance to me, I felt like I was robbing myself, drag family and y'all of the standards of excitement and fun that DRAGALUTION generally provides. I just wasn't about to not do something, we had to have a party right?! And we did! It was such a fun night!!! The thing about it was, and I know I've talked about this with some, I just was not present. I was there, but I didn't feel myself, I put on my best face but felt like everyone could see the reality of the fractured queen behind the mask.
Anyway(ssss), I continued to feel better after the show and got to work on getting ready for this trip and some inspirations for a new artistic show/project!!! I just can't help myself, I get so in my head day in and day out of just laying on the floor, couch or in bed and I create. I have movement visualizations that make me crave to have rehearsals and transplant those visualizations into bodies and space. So, I put a short walking playlist together and started walking it out for a few days; it was feeling g-o-o-d!! The walking turned to swishing and soon I had a few days of actual strong strut and that made me feel like I was out of the woods and walking in the warm sunlight again.
So what do I do? I do the one thing I always do because I love to push myself, I fucking start pushing myself. I up my ballet barre, do more leg lifts oh I know I can just push the flexibility back into my body; I can make that left knee submit and be free again. I never, ever, fucking learn. Add some extra drinks and French fries and maybe one really great eat out meal, at a raw food restaurant, and what do you know, but my left knee begins to react. It starts getting tighter, so I 'back off' of my workout routine and ease my pace back to a walk.
My sister kept wanting to know when I was going to arrive at her place. I finally told her that I'm holding out as long as possible because I was having some knee issues and wanted to give it time to chill. Not an easy thing to say to her, especially since we have been breathing for the moment of getting to swim in the ocean together and have some yummy drinks and food. I kept hoping my knee was just irritated because of the extra work I had been putting it through; I knew, at the core of my being, that it was the gout, and I was sweating balls!" How can this be happening to mmmmmeeeeee," I screamed inside my vast pit of a mind. All the while understanding that I had done this to myself.....again.
By last Monday evening, I had to take to bed, my knee was huge and just burning and I couldn't take it. Tuesday, I made 4 calls: 2 to clients to reschedule, one to my doctor and one to my sister. I kind of broke my sisters heart. I had no choice, I did the only thing I could do, I told her I could not go. "What about first class, pain pills and a wheel chair?" She asks.. Just the sound of the sentence was enough for me... No fucking way!
First of all, I can't fucking get out of bed to walk, I'm having cold sweats, completely uncomfortable, pissing into jars because I can't get to the bathroom and the thought of my sister and her husband pushing me around in the sand so I could lay and watch the fun times around my was my own personal circle in Dante's Inferno. Seriously, that will be my hell!
So in lieu of my trip to Hawaii, I've spent the week in bed and on the couch and floor, staring at the beauty of this glorious early spring from the various windows providing me my glimpses of life sprouting all around me.
I can't be upset about it. It is what it is and this is where I am and I'm sifting through the sheets and pillows for the lesson as I shift every other five minutes because I can never find comfort.
It is more than I thought it would be, this shift of focus on my life. I totally get it, I am present in this condition. The thing is, I am not myself any more. I had to drop her off at the nearest taco bar and baby step on. I am completely unfamiliar as to who this is within my body and soul. My pushing, has pushed me out of the comfort of the body I was growing to love and has placed me here, lost, numb and confused as I push myself across the floor and grab on to things for dear life because it feels like if I fall I will shatter into that ball of glitter and rainbows I'm not ready for.
The journey is all mine, how I choose to continue is up to me. Part of me pictures being carried by four glorious men on my bed of pillows, satin, chiffon and fur; but how would I pay them? Being the science nerd I really am, I am going to get to the root of this mystery and find the resonating harmony that I know is within this new body of mine. I may even get a kick ass cane with a big ol' jewel or tiger's eye on top for days that I need a bit of support (non-human support that is). This is the battle. This is my quest. How will my footprint, in this new body of mine, look as I leave my trail behind me always stepping on, always searching for more understanding and patience for the Warrior Queen I am destined to be. There is no sadness in my being. I sit. I listen. I breathe. I move as I may. I am.
