Happy New Year!!

For the past dozen or so years, I have made it a ritual to take time and write down the aspects of who I am, what I'd like to change, how I relate to the world around me and I go to the forest or beach and read them out loud and burn it as a means of shedding the power I give things over my life.

It is always surprising what gets written down; since I'm not much for editing my thoughts and I am my own harshest critic, this year I have made two stacks of thoughts to burn and I have to tell you it is going to feel great to burn these thoughts away!!! I have shame written down 5 times, it just kept popping up:)

What This meditation has revealed most: at my true core I am an aggressive ass hole.  I work hard, every moment of every day, to silence the rage within my soul.  I have found many tools to aide me on my path to honesty, grace, kindness and love.  The most important one has been my prism theory: I look at the people and situations that bring me frustration as an extension of the light that shines from within me and I ask myself what it is about this person or frustrating situation that I recognize about myself and I use it as a means to find deeper compassion for those moments.  How is this me? How can I affect change?  Do I really need to be a bitch because this person is so removed that s/he can't fucking use their blinker or have enough common sense that it is just plain tacky to go into a restaurant with outside food or beverages and sit at a dirty table.

At those moments (and I generally win this game with myself) I take a deep breath, maybe hum a little tune and try to let it go. This last year I only had 4 moments at the cafe where I had to let my inner ass hole out and I am working for even less this year.

You see, I choose to live each day, no matter how hard it may be to do, with loving kindness towards others in the world around me. I choose to get dressed and present my best self every day. I choose to look at you and smile as we pass on the street. I choose to overcome my short comings in life to make sure I can have the best time and most fun possible I every day I get to live.

And it is with that spirit that I burn down those issues that keep me bound to my true nature of aggressive ass hole; I deserve better;)

And with that I hope that you all have a much easier time at finding the joy and bliss in your lives than I do in mine!!!!

I am determined to shine more brightly than I ever have before this year!

Love to you all!

The path to DRAGALUTION!!

The journey for this show is really pushing me in ways I hadn't anticipated! I am just loving the crew of performers I have! It is frustrating being the director/choreographer in regards to not being pissed off every time someone doesn't want to come to rehearsal; they aren't under contract so I can't force people to want to be at rehearsal... Personally, I live for it! I love being able to get together with these amazing people and craft dances and work on building a fierce show!!!

I was in a particularly pissed mood last night, the full moon didn't help things;), and really wanted to be able to finish the opening number, but that wasn't going to be possible with several people not coming to rehearsal. I'm not typing any of this to be a bitch, I'm just shedding light on my perspective as a frustrated choreographer and performer. 

On the walk to our amazing dance studio, the Astoria Arts and Movement Center, I felt like my hands were tied and that I was going to disappoint the cast members that did show up. I mean, I have the 'angry hand job' number floating in my mind but I hadn't had the time to work it out on my body to be able to teach it.  I was feeling extremely unprepared.  

Well, I reached deep into my patience center and pulled up all the creative strength my tired little mind and body could muster and we had the best fucking rehearsal!!!! The movement just snapped right out and before you knew it we had learned the whole number and we all felt fierce about it and we were all sweaty from the hard work and dancing!!!

It really taught me that it all happens as it needs to happen; it being what ever it needs to be....life is glorious that way. I let go of my frustrations and found a deeper grace and breath and went for it and it felt magnificent! I think I will try these tactics in the rest of my life and see what happens:)

I am grateful for each person I get to work with in this show and I accept the fact that people don't have the same drive as me; that doesn't mean that they are being rude to me or the rest of the cast for not being there, it just is as it needs to be. No judgment just the facts.

I am excited to see where this show leads us! I can't wait to share it with you all and hear what you think about it all!

And again, this isn't a bitch fest, I am just sharing how my mind and soul react to situations I am placed in.  You all know I love you crazy!!! Daylight

The path to DRAGALUTION

Hello there! Words and thoughts have been jumbled and confused as we start another rehearsal process for DRAGALUTION: Daylight and her sexy bastards-raw.

I am very excited for this show! Some of the numbers have been in my head for years, others random thoughts that have been nagging me for months and the songs just keep cuming:)

For this show, the cast will be performing as men.  It has raised many questions as to what is masculine?.. I am male, yet sometimes I feel more feminine ( and not just because I'm in drag).  It may be the way I'm sitting, maybe the way I enter a room, sip a drink... 

Then, to take the idea of being male and placing dance on it; for some it is just mind blowing.  It takes me back to writing my thesis for my MFA

in Dance; my focus was on the role of the male in dance and dance education. I did a lot of research on finding the strength within the vulnerability. The solo I learned was by Ted Shawn, the father of Modern Dance in America, O Brother Sun O Sister Moon.  It is the dance of Saint Francis. A powerful piece which requires immense vulnerability and strength.  It pushed me to find the core of my male strength and the grace of the heavens. 

I'm coming to discover that male is as male is.  It is unique to each male that is given a set of balls and testosterone to deal with.  It has nothing to do with appearance, some of the most butch men I know clipper off all body hair and wear Lycra tops to show off their amazing physiques.  Flannel and Romeos are no longer for the logger or fisherman, but for the practical fashion gay too:)  all lines are being crossed and things are obscured and we all stand around scratching our balls wondering 'what the fuck.'

And it is with that energy that I approach this show- what the fuck!! To me, to be male means to own who you are. To thrust forward into the world. Make a mess if I have to and not apologize for it but own it!! It is essential to find the strength and grace within ones own body and make it work for oneself; not an easy task but so worth the work. So, if I'm doing something and it feels 'gay' to me that doesn't mean it has to feel gay to you or be seen as gay by anyone- that is my projection. 

As a choreographer, I can only teach things as they manifest within my physical sphere of expression; and it is up to the people, the 'men' I'm working with to make it feel masculine. We can not all look the same! Thank goodness:) we have to all be willing to take what is given and make it our own. It is a tough order to place, but oh so satisfying when the boundaries of the mind are broken down and we are able to stand within our own flesh feeling not as we once were but as the creation of what we have worked so hard to express.

I love working with the artists in my family that I get to work with!!! We all trust that it will happen; we all know that what will cum will be awesome- if only just for us. If any of my family is reading this, know how much I love and respect you for going on this ride with me!!! And for everyone that is always showing me such love and support, I thank you to the moon and back! I am the man I am because of you!!! And I love the man/queen I am becoming!!!! Much love, Daylight

Tis the season

Hello all! I am getting ready to get in the shower and wash Marco away to transform into Daylight Cums for the filming of my holiday episode, 'Cooking with Daylight.'

The holiday season has been approaching me in a much different manner than years past. I am being reminded of the joy and excitement from my youth.  We would go and gather moss in the forest, which was our backyard (now known as Coast Guard Housing), for the manger scene. We would sing carols at night, light the Advent wreath, rehearse for the pageant  and spread cheer wherever we went and pray for a white Christmas.  I'm sure getting to spend Thanksgiving with my sister and her family had something to do with it; oh and getting the shout out that the Tom and Jerry batter is ready!!!

I just feel joy bubbling out of me this year, for no reason at all other than the fact that I can not contain it any longer.  I'm not talking seasonally, I'm feeling it as a full time ooze! Filled with creamy gooey hugs and fluttery happy sunsets and magical walks in the forest. 

I was with my best friend ( and I have many that all share that spot in my life) and her daughter and I was talking about how magical the sky looked and that I could just picture a unicorn riding through it sounding the end of another glorious day; or something like that (wink); well, the daughter told me I was silly that that isn't real... And it hit me..... My world has always been full of the wonder and fantasy of things beyond our own knowing.  I love that about myself. I like going in the forest and feeling the spirits and picturing how my life would be if I was a little fairy living in the forest. And then it hit me, again...... I am a little fairy living in the forest surrounded by magic and awesome incredible larger than life people and beauty that never gets old!!!! 

And that is what is running through my head right now as I get ready to hit post and the shower!!

Big love to you all!!! I will sparkle with you later! Maybe sing to each other on the street? Anything can happen in Astoria!!

A conversation with my aunt

My aunt has been a major guide and source of power and understanding along this crazy path of life I have been dancing down.  I have always been able to count on her to push me to find words to express myself more deeply.  I recognize that I have not been an easy child for my family.  I recognize that I am a strong willed individual and that my actions can cause discomfort, horror and shock all with heartfelt laughter. I know I bring confusion and in the same moment comfort.

I have always been and done these things. The last few months have been incredible for me! I have always been the memory for my family, one can always count on me to remember most details. So, this next statement is a strange one to type: recently, I have had the veil of my life removed and I have been able to glance and understand my life in ways I never imagined I could... The big shocker for me was how much of my life from about 11-22 I blocked out because it was too painful and shameful.  More on this in other posts.....

Well, I shared the Butterfly Fleet video with my aunt and she asked me many questions about my art, tattoos as being my armor I have put on myself, makeup and drag. I appreciated that she had taken the time to ask me these questions which brought me to a deeper place of thought about myself. I responded and she felt I should share what I had written her with you on this blog.  So..... Here we go:

Your questions are thoughts that I have continually. For this video, I wanted the brightness of the drag to counter the simplicity of my look. And it is designed to make one ponder... Which is the armor, is it something visible or is it soul felt?
I never know how the makeup will look when I start. I prefer the red lips for film because the softer pinks tend to wash me out and I love the drama and passion of red lips. 
The tattoos... My journey is this:
Each one has been an aspect of my unfolding, my discovery of my journey, trials, joys and spirit. I never intended to be a tattooed man, but it has happened. The most important aspect of my relationship with my tattoo art is that it has provided me with the tools to see beyond the shame of my life and disgust of my physical appearance I have harbored for so long . I can look at myself with joy now.
Also, I like how it ripples the world around me. I am a kind, generous, loving, honest, hardworking man and when people see tattoos there is a different list of adjectives that run through ones mind.  I find that it helps to break down barriers in ways I couldn't imagine and I love when people ask me about them and I tell the story of the particular tattoo in question and the understanding shared is glorious.
I've spent my life trying to make people happy and apologizing for every step. I have found my soul beat and I follow its tune down my path of light and love... The tattoos help me tell my story:)
Does any of this make sense?
Thank you for asking the questions so that I could find the words to express how I feel.
Marco

With that, I shall leave you for now:) we start rehearsals for DRAGALUTION 2 on Monday!!! The show will be January 25!!!

The video my aunt and I were discussing is on the home page of Daylightcums.com:)

Big hugs to you all and I look forward to everything ahead!!!!

Love,

Daylight

Mini Daylight and I!!!

I love this so much!!! Norma you are a perfect mini daylight!!!

AUDITIONS!!!AUDITIONS!!AUDITIONS!!

Hello all!! November 12 at 9pm at the Astoria Arts and Movement Center (AAMC) 342 10th 2nd floor, I am holding auditions for DRAGALUTION, which will be performed in January!!

This show will be all new! New numbers! New ideas! New costumes ( well to us anyway (wink))!!

In this show I am picturing Daylight with a cast of men- all that get cast will perform as larger than life men! I am excited about the show- it is going to have a strong disco feel to it:)

Anyway, I'm giving away too much...

COME TO AUDITIONS and discover the fun and excitement of being in an audition. Wear clothes you can move in, bare feet are fine.

Hope to see you at 9 on the 12th at AAMC!

Daylight out;)

Save the date/ blast from the past

Sooooo, November 15 at the Voodoo/Columbian Theater we are going to have a party bus of queens arrive from Portland to Testify, glorify, horrify and delight us with their power, grace and wits!!!! I am so fucking excited I can hardly handle it!!! Details to come, just wanted to get your heads up so you don't miss out on the fun times!!!!!

As I type this, I am taking advantage of this gorgeous day by laying out in the back yard! I know right! October 18 and I'm working my tan!  Good thing too, the dress I'm wearing on the 15 is backless!!!!!! So this color boost will kick it up a notch... I digress..

I am reminded of this lady that lived on my paper route, across the street from the Fairfields.  No matter what time of year, if the sun was out and on her concrete slab in front of her sliding glass door; she would be laying out in it. Soaking it all up in her amazing bikini's and super blonde hair! Jealous much, you bet!!!  It would be January and I would be walking by in my huge puffy orange coat, hat and news paper bag and be so infuriated that she would be sunning herself in such temperatures.  I just didn't get it... Well, I do now! It feels glorious!!! Even with the crispness of the air, the warmth of the sun definitely wins out:)

Ok, I'm going to close my eyes and soak it up... Hugs to you all!! Daylight

The hot springs and me

I found myself at the hot springs today. I had just crawled out of the cave the hot healing water comes from, not a graceful thing when naked and the rocks are a bit slick, but so worth it. I was sitting in the middle of the pool, completely alone in nature taking in the beauty of the world I get to live in. 

I was focusing on my breathing and the pains my body holds onto and giving my tissue permission to let go and melt away with the flowing hot water. I opened my eyes as I was looking up and I saw just a suspended thread of golden spiderweb floating above me about 20 feet up. I could not see the beginning or end just the bit being kissed by the sunlight.  It is said that the spiderweb is the first known form of lanuguage and whenever I happen across one I do my best to listen.  I heard the words, 'melt' 'heal' 'root' 'openness' 'trust.'

At that very moment of trust, a man appeared coming down the rocks towards the pools.  He carried a 5 gallon bucket and intent with him.  He set down the bucket and lit some white sage and began walking around the pool, smudging the space.  Those of you who know me, understand how awesome this is to me. He made a full circle, his focus on respecting the power of these waters and land that holds them.  

Now mind you, I am doing my best not to watch because he was having a moment and it just isn't nice to stare at a hot spring (even though he was still fully clothed). When he finished, he removed his clothes and instantly submerged face first in the water; floating like a little baby in the womb of Mother Nature.  

Then, the lesson began... His whole intent, the focus of my meditation too, was on opening the root chakra.  I was doing my own breathing and stretching and melting, because in those waters it really is what one should do.  There is nothing creepy about any of this, I want you to know. It was one of the most beautiful and powerful shared, nonverbal moments I have ever had...and I have had many;)

The lesson was/is: I need to open up. My heart is wide open! I share that with sundry to all!! It is my pleasure in life. But my root chakra is another story.  As I was laying there trying to allow my legs to relax open, trying not to hide my manhood and years of held anguish to my private area; I realized that I have never addressed the shame I carry there as a survivor of rape.  I've just ignored it, I have crossed it and ignored it and tried never to look at that shame of being raped, of feeling dirty of being used and discarded. Like a lightening bolt through my subconscious mind down through my crotch it shuttered through me.... Let it go!!! Open up! I opened my eyes and the golden thread was still in my sight, but I was able to see more of it.  I focused on my breathing, trying to fill up as much as I could and join my silent guide to this journey as he began to 'om' and as I found the strength within those breaths I discovered the length of the spiderweb stretched across the pool.  I understood that the breath into opening up will give me the language, however unspoken it may be, to heal and find security and trust within myself again.  It blew me away.  I remained in this meditation with this mystery guide for quite a while and, then,silently made my way to my body and my clothes and left my guide with a nod and maybe a feather on his car as an offering. His ride was obvious;)

The craziest part it that upon returning to Eugene and walking across campus, to the dance department to say hello; I walked amongst a red flag filled lawn representing the numbers of rape survivors reported nationwide.  It shook me to the core....And my quest expands as I move down my path discovering ways to unravel the years of pain and shame I have carried around for something that i needn't hold on to any longer.....we all have the ability to heal, to let go of pain and suffering. It is a simple action-to let go- but one of the most difficult one to do. We have to trust... In ourselves that we are worth letting go of the pain. We are worth the language that the suspended golden spiderweb is trying to teach...

I

National coming out day eve

Hello my darlings:) many of you have been introduced to me this year as Daylight Cums.  I had my debut in January for Marco's show DRAGALUTION!  

What you may not know is that I have been sneaking around for years but Marco has always been a little nervous to let me be seen.  Yes, Marco has been out for years. True that! But he has only allowed himself to be out in little increments.  He has hidden a lot of his art and passion for explosive creative dance expression out of fear of scaring his friends, people Marco has always pushed the line with and have asked for their company on the journey!  It has been said all too many times, "there's the line and Marco has crossed it again!!" And you all step with him.  

Marco has always felt so blessed by being able to live in such a loving accepting community.  As funny as it is to type this, he is always nervous about offending anyone!!! I know right!!! He is a silly man.  But back to me, Daylight;)

I have been asking him for years to let me out. I would yell it over and over in his head (In between the 8 counts and kick ball changes) let me out!!!! Let me out!! Let ME out!!!! Well, I have finally broken that boy down and I am stepping out to let you know I, Daylight Cums, am out!!!!! Yay!!!! I got my papers to walk and I am stepping out! I am ready to bring this game of life forward! I am ready to speak it! To breathe it! To drink it! To feel it! To live it! To digest it! To believe in it! To embody it!! Yes! Oh yes!!! The music is building... As Phil Colin's sings, "I can feel it..." Oh lord.... For this moment... This now.... This life... It is mine and I'm gonna live it!!! Marco has agreed to give me some proper air time in his life!!

This is where he gets nervous, because he doesn't want to lose himself to me...he loves his "manhood" doesn't want to ever give that up and he has made me promise that you will always know that he is "deep inside" every moment you look at me...whatever. Anyways, I'm out and about and if you see me let's take an eight count and dance together... It would make me so happy.