Fat Tuesday

Hey y'all!!! I have been in New Orleans for the last week enjoying the charged season of Mardi Gras as we raced to today! I have been planning this adventure for months with my friend Jeanine.  She and Uriah have a house mere blocks from the French Quarter and we have been planning our fun times while here:)

There are a few things you should know:

I love to travel.

I have a very sensitive system, especially with food that I love making me sick.

When I travel, I like to pretend that I am a normal human that can eat whatever I'd like and not suffer from it...wrong!

In April it will be a year ago that I gave up gluten to ease the inflammation in my body, especially my lower back, so you can imagine the shock and horror I've been putting myself through this last week!

My first meal was at Coops for the fried chicken that I dream about!!! The next morning we had grits with shrimp and sausage. Ribs and Mac and cheese at the Joint, the other place I dream about. Then there were all of the house parties with amazing spreads of food, so many sandwiches and baguettes with cheeses and spinach dip...fuck.  I've missed all these things so much! 

Each morning we start out by leaving the house and walking to Envie for a coffee for our walk through the quarter, while we wait for Molly's to open so we can enjoy a frozen Irish coffee, which I must say is to die for!!! Then home to make breakfast, change into our parade gear and head out for all the action.

I have seen SO many parades! Such a fun experience, standing on the side of a road with people all dressed up, holding our drinks in one hand and waving and begging to be noticed so we can score a really great strand of beads, or a shoe, or a coconut!!! It's really all in the eye contact mixed with a bit of open loving aggression;)

I've been bloating up and up as the days have passed.. I've had my usual 3 toilet births a day but I've been swelling up and not in the way I like....

I'm only saying this because I hate feeling bloated when I'm supposed to be a glamor queen and last night I was to perform, thank goodness fringe is so forgiving!!!

Jeanine was able to hook me up with a gig through Tru, a fabulous queen that is her neighbor. Meg's has a show Monday nights and Tru said that I should come down with her and speak with Rusty about getting to do a number! The cards were in my favor and I got to do one number... As I'm freezing my ass off walking downto the club I found myself happy for the extra bloat warmth;) until I took the stage and realized how slowed down I moved.. This bitch had to work hard.

The evening was a blast and I woke this morning, Fat Tuesday, to the call for French toast before we all ventured out in the pouring down cold fucking rain... 

What's one more day I say to myself as I shove a second piece of French toast down my throat... Not so much.. Two blocks into our wet walk I am hit with that old familiar feeling I've been so happy to be free of- my chest burn gas bloat miserable dead roadent reminder that I am delicate and need to pay attention. So of course I had to try to wash it away with a delicious Reuben and fries!! I never learn. I did hold myself back from eating the rack of lamb and asparagus and salad we had for dinner.  I sat at the table wrapped in a blanket so no one could see how sickly bloated and miserable I was/ still am;)

Jeanine just laid on my bed, which is convienently located in the kitchen;) I'm serious!, and we were talking about it and I mentioned that I weighed myself this morning after my first toilet birth and was horrified to see I had gained 8 pounds in one week!!! She replied, " well, it's just stupid to weigh yourself on FAT Tuesday!" Duh what was I thinking.....

I am excited about the lesson I'm taking home from this trip!! I'm identifying yet another pattern that I've been stuck in and I am freeing myself from the pressure of having to eat what I crave; I'm going to eat what I need and what makes me feel best. 

Does this mean I will never have fried chicken, ribs and French toast again. French toast never again!  I can guarantee that;) fried chicken and ribs will find their way into my mouth again I know that, but I will be much smarter at the rate and frequency I do so;)

This has been such a great trip for me! I have L.O.V.E. Loved my time!!! And I am so sxcited to be home and get back to me and what I love to do; teach, cook and put on a show and party for y'all!!!!

Much love and a big sloppy kiss,

Daylight

Daylight and the Dark Forest Minstrels

Today was the Dark Arts Festival at the Fort George.  It is their stout beer festival which is the stage for music, local artists of all styles and a community of people that gather to celebrate it all.

I was asked to be a part of the celebration this year and we brought our minstrel ways to the fort.  I have been excited about this for quite some time!  We have been rehearsing and planning our costumes and anxious to share our magic of music, dance and expression... Coming on the heels of such a powerful full moon and having it pour down rain and blow like a dickens was putting a damper on my mood until I snapped out of it and remembered that we are Astorians and this storm could not stop our beating feet!

I had so many incredible moments.... 

Tyler and Olaf in their Union Jack suits with head dresses and face makeup playing music that just gets in you. Tim on the bull horn with his harmonica taped to it making everything all right!

We had a parade route that we took each time we did our "act" if you will.. We visualized us beginning in darkness and ending in light as a visual pathway.  We carved and danced and twirled through the people, burning palo santo and blessing the space...the second time we had staffs and we went through and cleared the energy of the winter to bring space for the light of spring.. And our final parade was the arrival of spring with our fluttering wings and flower pedals showered upon our friends as we all danced in celebration... Each time we did our thing we were greeted with so much love and excitement.  It was truly awesome!!!!

Then, there was all of the down time and wandering and visiting and having people want to have a photo taken or just share a moment of time, all walls down and just say, " yeah" life here really is the best!  Kids coming up with their parents to have their pictures taken with a drag queen dressed in Victorian  drag... My heart swelled and melted.  My perspective has shifted further.....

I think my highlight may have been getting to sit in the still life exhibit and be drawn and photographed... Taking that moment to stop and just lounge in my glory and not hide a thing and just let people take it in... Getting to sit there with Cameron, my goddess momma who has been walking at my side and sharing in this life art experience and we are sitting there, our spirits dancing in that space..... Glorious

And coming into the space at a later time and seeing Teresa glowing, her aura reaching out beyond the seats and calling me to her as I sat next to her and let that meditation wash over me and melt my soul just a bit more....

And then there was the moment when Cameron and Jessamyn took the floor and danced for us all!!!!! Their magic and beauty oozing out of them and bathing us all in their beauty.. It was magnificent....

And all of the glorious people and cheers of heartfelt good tidings. Seriously, I had the time of my life today and I ( god, the song from Dirty Dancing is trying so hard to jump out of my fingers and into this phrase right now)..

Anyway, I love you Astoria!!!! You carry me and love me in ways I have never been able to imagine:) I love you so, 

Daylight

A time for self love

I'm one of those people that always gets the comment, "I wish you had a partner, you are so amazing you need to be in love...." We have all had things like this said to us or played over in our heads on repeat until we forget the importance of loving oneself.

I used to do everything to try and find a man.  Some would call it desperate, others would laugh at my attempts.  I'm one that always puts it all out there.  I want people to know what they are getting, and it would, generally, scare them away.  Then, it got to the point where I would be sure to have sex on the first date because I knew I would scare him away anyway so I may as well get laid... And that never works for me because I am just too crazy in the sack, with a thin veil of nervousness ever since I was 25 and was told by a boyfriend while we were having sex that I should really lose my gut if we were going to continue dating- his hand was slapping my gut as he said this:)

I have always had a gut, even when I was working out all the time, dancing and partying like a good club kid I could just never manage to rid myself of my stretched out belly button and belly.  It has been my biggest self trigger flaw for 30 years. What the fuck!!

Anyway, I would commit to a gym, abuse diet supplements, starve myself, cheat the angles and distract with my huge personality...all this to try and find a man to love me.  I would always manage to attract the wrong guys, but I thought that they must be the right ones because they were the only ones; which always lead to an abusive situation.  

I turned into the 7 year monk.  Every 7 years I would try to date again, thinking this time I would have learned enough to make it work....And it wouldn't and I would spend another 7 years trying to recover from the abuse, alcohol and cigarettes I consumed to try and make it through.

I've only really had one relationship that worked and that lasted 6 months and it was fun and a challenge and everyone thought I was crazy because he was so much younger than I was.  But he got me and he pushed me and we are still amazing friends.

Winter 3 years ago, I was standing in the ocean trying to bring relief to my nerve pinched leg... It was cloudy and cold and I was standing there just pumping hatred and frustration into my being and the sun poked through and was shining down upon me, it was a heavenly moment, and I had one thought sing in my mind, " how can you expect your body to carry you through life when all you do is fill it with hatred, love it and it will bring you to where you need to be."

From that moment on, I have been dedicated to loving myself and discovering the beauty of me, flaws and all.  I have stopped doing things to catch a man's eye; instead I do things to fill my soul and body with warm gooey thoughts of how lucky I am to be able to have this time to understand who I am and what I need to feel fulfilled in my life.  It has brought me to a new level of understanding on who Marco is...

I was afraid to embark on this path, I felt very selfish. The reality is that I am dedicated to making myself shine with the beauty I have always been so afraid to share.  I am always on the verge of stepping out and allowing you to see me fully, something always holds me back and I never get to fully shine.... I am on that edge at this moment and I am asking myself to take that chance and shine, I'm hoping I won't cock block myself this time around...

As I type this, I realize that my cycle is repeating, it is my 7 year mark.  I recognize the pattern and I am letting go of it... I am here, I am full of love and I share my life freely.  Maybe I will get to know the loving touch of a man wanting to be with this freak show queen, maybe my knight will soar in on a unicorn and say he has been looking for me... All I do know is that I see myself and I smile when I look in the mirror knowing that I am doing my best to be my best and glorious self.  I have found the ability to love myself and that is something I had never been

able to achieve before!!

The Birthday Queen

Today marks my 45th year on this earth, this time around (wink).  5 years ago I had my 40th in the Columbian theater. It was reservation only and was to be a karaoke/lip sync competition; the winner walking away with a grand prize of Marco's Sex Book PDFMN; which was inspired by Madonnas Sex Book.  The party was amazing!! Balloons floating in the entrance with streamers hanging down, finger food in the VooDoo Room; family and friends- all of my worlds colliding at the same location for a party that was a mystery to everyone.

I can still recall the nervous excitement of my mom! She loves to see me perform, but she also knows how vulgar I can be;) her favorite (even though her favorite would have been for me to be a god boy without a foul tongue) phrase for me was, "rude, crude and vulgar." I always have been. I am pure in spirit, I just have a vulgar way of shining sometimes...I have just learned to allow both space within me.  I try to not be too ashamed of how I speak, sing, write or dance.  Even when I am singing about angry hand jobs, I do it with playful kindness in my heart. For me, artistic expression is all about working through all of my pent up fears, frustrations, laughter and sexuality issues. I believe that if we continue to find the strength to share our fears, questions and joys with one another our world is going to continue to blossom and release it's sweet drag stance ( that was to read: fragarance; but I love drag stance!!) to all and let them drink in the beauty of what we all have to share.

I felt that on the 25 of January, as a group of like 15, all dressed in our drag for the night; walked off my front porch and through downtown to the Columbian Theater for this years DRAGALUTION! It was a powerful moment for me and my greatest gift I have ever been given

DRAGALUTION EVE

I'm sitting at 'my spot' at the jetty.  I'm just taking it all in... Picture me sitting with a huge smile on my face as I let the warmth of the sun cut through the crisp air and sooth my soul.

On the drive out, I was singing along to the numbers in the show, visualizing the dances and feeling the moment; and I was hit by a rush of tears.  Tears of relief.  I'm my mind, I've been calling this show my therapy show.  I have used some very painful moments in my life as the basis for this show, I'm not saying this show is painful( wink)

On the contrary, it is a beautiful show, with some very sexy and honest moments..anyway, the tears were welcome...

And sitting here, at the beach, I am just full of so much love.  I feel good!!! 

I'm so excited to share this show with you! To get to dance for and with you! To have all of our combined energies vibrating in the theater and lifting Astoria off its axis for a moment in time.

Until tomorrow,

Yours always,

Daylight

Dancing it out, bitch

Hey y'all!! I don't know if it is because I'm about to have a birthday or my eyes are opening and I'm able to see the more hidden complexities of my patterned life; but this show is really opening my eyes to so much about who I am!! I love that about art!  And really, that is what I am making and putting on stage with the great performers I have with me for this DRAGALUTION!!!

I didn't plan it, but this show is really all about working through the suppressed issues of my sexual awakening and abusive situations I have been in, along with some incidents of being beaten up for living out loud; all with a sexy comedic twist- which is how it always helps me cope with the pain. By putting a little laughter in it, I find it easier to look at.

Anyway, last night, at rehearsal, we were working on the finale for the show; a new song, " the song of my life" and as we are going through the choreography, I had a moment where I almost fainted because the song and movement all unlocked something in me.....

The song was written while I was with my aunt and her friend at Salt Spring.  I got up one morning and my aunt said she had heard me singing in my sleep, she couldn't hear what I was singing, she just heard the song. I was stunned to hear I sing in my sleep and I wondered if it was the song of my life or just something random... The song was written that day.

Then, I get together with Tyler and Olaf who have put this amazing music together and we recorded the song.

One part in the song, I'm reflecting on the big attack in my life, which caused me to live in fear for about 10 years; almost directly after recording the song I run into said individual and realized he had no power over me anymore! It was an incredible moment.

I've lived by the thought that as we learn about ourselves, live our lives, we are able to see the patterns, or cycles, we get stuck in and by noticing the pattern we are able to step beyond it and be free of whatever was keeping us stuck in that loop.

This also struck me strongly last night as I was teaching the movement.  Sometimes I feel like I am just doing the same thing to different music. Theme and variation is one thing but I wonder if there is enough variation to my themes? I guess as soon as I figure out that pattern I will step beyond it too( internal wink).

I have pushed myself to bring you a show that is different than the last, but still recognizable as my work. I hope that you will love it!! For me, getting to be on stage and share myself with you in all the crazy ways I like to do is what makes me whole and feel most alive!! You feed my drive to live a full, expressive and creative sexy filled life and I thank you all so much for that!

Mush love and I hope to see you on January 25 at the Columbian Theater!

Facing an old fear

The most incredible moment took place in my day today:

I'm making these silly cut out mirrors for DRAGALUTION and was looking for adhesive aluminum. So, David and I went to utzingers true value cause they have everything you can think of!

Well, we are standing by the register waiting for some help when the biggest fear of my 1986-1996 came into focus... At that moment I had the whole frightening past he put me through flash before my eyes. The intimidation in the halls, the shoving in the lockers and down the stairs.  Having him follow me In his truck yelling the most hateful and evil things.  The night he came into McDonalds after a game when there were two buses of kids standing in there waiting to be served by me and two others and he comes in yelling " fag!" And everything else gay and hurtful to say as I'm waiting on people and me looking at him, swallowing my fear and tears and saying, " I don't care what you think of me because I don't value your opinion as a human." And him jumping across the counter to grab me and having to be pulled out of the restaurant by the managers on duty yelling he is going to kill me.. The moment he his standing behind me in Peter Pan on his tip goes so he could breathe down my neck which made it even more frightening whispering how I better watch my back because he was going to get me. Peeling out of the driveway scaring me to death.  And the day he ran me down on 8th and threw me to the ground and punched me and beat my face on the pavement until I got on my knees to oppologize for embarrassing him in front of his friends.  I had no choice but to beg him to forgive me.

Even though I had Dean and Sari as my constant body guards.  Honestly, I have so many that still to this day watch my back and know when they need to walk me home.  But Dean had my back and saved my ass more than once!! Still, I couldn't walk alone for 10 years because of him.  No matter how strong I was getting he still had so much fear driven into every fibre of my being.

I saw, no lived, all those moments in that flash of seeing him and I did not have one wavering moment of fear. I felt so chill and powerful and healed and free!!!!! It was incredible. And I said, " well hello (insert name)" bought my rubber cement and left feeling more incredible than I could even possibly imagine.

Ain't life grand!

Happy New Year!!

For the past dozen or so years, I have made it a ritual to take time and write down the aspects of who I am, what I'd like to change, how I relate to the world around me and I go to the forest or beach and read them out loud and burn it as a means of shedding the power I give things over my life.

It is always surprising what gets written down; since I'm not much for editing my thoughts and I am my own harshest critic, this year I have made two stacks of thoughts to burn and I have to tell you it is going to feel great to burn these thoughts away!!! I have shame written down 5 times, it just kept popping up:)

What This meditation has revealed most: at my true core I am an aggressive ass hole.  I work hard, every moment of every day, to silence the rage within my soul.  I have found many tools to aide me on my path to honesty, grace, kindness and love.  The most important one has been my prism theory: I look at the people and situations that bring me frustration as an extension of the light that shines from within me and I ask myself what it is about this person or frustrating situation that I recognize about myself and I use it as a means to find deeper compassion for those moments.  How is this me? How can I affect change?  Do I really need to be a bitch because this person is so removed that s/he can't fucking use their blinker or have enough common sense that it is just plain tacky to go into a restaurant with outside food or beverages and sit at a dirty table.

At those moments (and I generally win this game with myself) I take a deep breath, maybe hum a little tune and try to let it go. This last year I only had 4 moments at the cafe where I had to let my inner ass hole out and I am working for even less this year.

You see, I choose to live each day, no matter how hard it may be to do, with loving kindness towards others in the world around me. I choose to get dressed and present my best self every day. I choose to look at you and smile as we pass on the street. I choose to overcome my short comings in life to make sure I can have the best time and most fun possible I every day I get to live.

And it is with that spirit that I burn down those issues that keep me bound to my true nature of aggressive ass hole; I deserve better;)

And with that I hope that you all have a much easier time at finding the joy and bliss in your lives than I do in mine!!!!

I am determined to shine more brightly than I ever have before this year!

Love to you all!

The path to DRAGALUTION!!

The journey for this show is really pushing me in ways I hadn't anticipated! I am just loving the crew of performers I have! It is frustrating being the director/choreographer in regards to not being pissed off every time someone doesn't want to come to rehearsal; they aren't under contract so I can't force people to want to be at rehearsal... Personally, I live for it! I love being able to get together with these amazing people and craft dances and work on building a fierce show!!!

I was in a particularly pissed mood last night, the full moon didn't help things;), and really wanted to be able to finish the opening number, but that wasn't going to be possible with several people not coming to rehearsal. I'm not typing any of this to be a bitch, I'm just shedding light on my perspective as a frustrated choreographer and performer. 

On the walk to our amazing dance studio, the Astoria Arts and Movement Center, I felt like my hands were tied and that I was going to disappoint the cast members that did show up. I mean, I have the 'angry hand job' number floating in my mind but I hadn't had the time to work it out on my body to be able to teach it.  I was feeling extremely unprepared.  

Well, I reached deep into my patience center and pulled up all the creative strength my tired little mind and body could muster and we had the best fucking rehearsal!!!! The movement just snapped right out and before you knew it we had learned the whole number and we all felt fierce about it and we were all sweaty from the hard work and dancing!!!

It really taught me that it all happens as it needs to happen; it being what ever it needs to be....life is glorious that way. I let go of my frustrations and found a deeper grace and breath and went for it and it felt magnificent! I think I will try these tactics in the rest of my life and see what happens:)

I am grateful for each person I get to work with in this show and I accept the fact that people don't have the same drive as me; that doesn't mean that they are being rude to me or the rest of the cast for not being there, it just is as it needs to be. No judgment just the facts.

I am excited to see where this show leads us! I can't wait to share it with you all and hear what you think about it all!

And again, this isn't a bitch fest, I am just sharing how my mind and soul react to situations I am placed in.  You all know I love you crazy!!! Daylight

The path to DRAGALUTION

Hello there! Words and thoughts have been jumbled and confused as we start another rehearsal process for DRAGALUTION: Daylight and her sexy bastards-raw.

I am very excited for this show! Some of the numbers have been in my head for years, others random thoughts that have been nagging me for months and the songs just keep cuming:)

For this show, the cast will be performing as men.  It has raised many questions as to what is masculine?.. I am male, yet sometimes I feel more feminine ( and not just because I'm in drag).  It may be the way I'm sitting, maybe the way I enter a room, sip a drink... 

Then, to take the idea of being male and placing dance on it; for some it is just mind blowing.  It takes me back to writing my thesis for my MFA

in Dance; my focus was on the role of the male in dance and dance education. I did a lot of research on finding the strength within the vulnerability. The solo I learned was by Ted Shawn, the father of Modern Dance in America, O Brother Sun O Sister Moon.  It is the dance of Saint Francis. A powerful piece which requires immense vulnerability and strength.  It pushed me to find the core of my male strength and the grace of the heavens. 

I'm coming to discover that male is as male is.  It is unique to each male that is given a set of balls and testosterone to deal with.  It has nothing to do with appearance, some of the most butch men I know clipper off all body hair and wear Lycra tops to show off their amazing physiques.  Flannel and Romeos are no longer for the logger or fisherman, but for the practical fashion gay too:)  all lines are being crossed and things are obscured and we all stand around scratching our balls wondering 'what the fuck.'

And it is with that energy that I approach this show- what the fuck!! To me, to be male means to own who you are. To thrust forward into the world. Make a mess if I have to and not apologize for it but own it!! It is essential to find the strength and grace within ones own body and make it work for oneself; not an easy task but so worth the work. So, if I'm doing something and it feels 'gay' to me that doesn't mean it has to feel gay to you or be seen as gay by anyone- that is my projection. 

As a choreographer, I can only teach things as they manifest within my physical sphere of expression; and it is up to the people, the 'men' I'm working with to make it feel masculine. We can not all look the same! Thank goodness:) we have to all be willing to take what is given and make it our own. It is a tough order to place, but oh so satisfying when the boundaries of the mind are broken down and we are able to stand within our own flesh feeling not as we once were but as the creation of what we have worked so hard to express.

I love working with the artists in my family that I get to work with!!! We all trust that it will happen; we all know that what will cum will be awesome- if only just for us. If any of my family is reading this, know how much I love and respect you for going on this ride with me!!! And for everyone that is always showing me such love and support, I thank you to the moon and back! I am the man I am because of you!!! And I love the man/queen I am becoming!!!! Much love, Daylight