And the quest begins

They say the journey begins with a single step. Being the Warrior Queen, I find it fitting that my quest began with a single step into my new bikini... I just about dropped the phone when I saw what has happened to my body since it hasn't been able to be used for the last few months. My mind went instantly to the old me and my HORROR of the softening of my 74,000 dollar body (my student loan total from my MFA in Dance, and massage school with that fun little thing called interest)!!!! I was ready to grab my running shoes, my tap shoes, the jump rope, my HEELS; anything to help lift my ass back up and remove the cottage cheese dripping from the seam of my bikini down my legs. 

Then I remembered, I'm not that person anymore. At least I don't want to be. It actually hit me after I sent out a few texts to some friends attaching the HORRO PHOTO

and the question if I was too gay fat? Some days it really amazes me at how quickly all the oxygen can leave my brain and I type, think and say the most stupid things. Honestly, who does this bitch think she is?? Palease!!!!

It was at that moment I remembered I have altered my perspective on the situation I call and view as my life. It was then I recalled my own pep talk about loving myself and where I am at on my journey and to be more forgiving to myself. I have been known to be quite the drill seargent (wish I could wink bit it is the truth) ( soft knowing smile).

At this point in my discovery, I came to understand that it was time for me to depart on my quest and put understanding, growth and change in my bags and head out to discover the truth and honesty of this Warrior Queen.

I stood in the warmth of this knowledge as my body absorbed it, filling my senses to a state of overflowing beauty. The sun was falling across my body and I stood and looked and observed without judgement; I understood the reality of the battle I had just survived and saw not a diminished body, but one ready for this quest. The time for healing was transitioning to a time of strengthening and movement and the road ahead looking more comfortable than I had been picturing.

My journey began, I was moving; not pushing but being present in the moment of the spirals in my body. Sensing where it is I am in space and time. I noticed how I favored my weight to the right and I hesitated giving my left my full weight and motion. 

I stopped and felt the wind on my body as I drew the sweet air into my lungs, taking care to feel my feet upon the earth. My breath helping my feet to reach out and feel the support of the ground beneath me. The currents began running through me. Range of motion returning to me left side.

As I journeyed on, stepping through the forest, I felt how weak my legs were, stepping over logs was a struggle, the control not so good. I stopped at the edge of a beautiful field, the sun to my back and found it to be a most glorious spot to stop for a rest. I stretched out upon the warm grass and moss and began breathing deeply, feeling my body merge with the earth, completely supported and comforted. The sun felt so incredible on my body.

My meditation took me deep. I felt the connection to my animal spirit. Hawk was circling above protecting me. Next thing I knew, as I was exhaling deeply into the ground and sky, I felt the ripple of Hawk within me. First settling in at my scapula and spanning out down my arms and out my finger tips. I felt the motion of flight within me and it was incredible!!!!! 

I tried not to hold on to the moment, I wanted to be the moment. My wings spread wide again as I soared across the field and took to branch looking down at the human figure below me. The light eminating from it golden and bright. The body rippling the space around it as it became soil, grass, moss, tree, worm, air, hawk. 

This quest will, clearly, transform in ways I had never thought possible. And who am I to judge? I will continue with this openness and Hawk about me. This journey will change me and I am so ready and open to whatever I cross paths with along my way.

What I do know is this: I walk in the light, I breathe in the light, I am the light and wherever I may go I will always know where I am at because I am....the Warrior Queen.

I'm having my Gloria Estefan moment: I'm coming out of the dark

I am grateful. Yes, I believe that is how I want to begin this. I have been at such a loss. Words have not been able to come to my assistance as I am accustomed. I have been in a battle over pain and all my faculties have been on high alert to keep me breathing and patient. As a Warrior Goddess, I have TOTALLY been on a patience quest. It is a virtue, after all, and I am virtuous....most of the time (wink).

My whole life, I encounter a difficult situation, I grit my teeth and make my way through; like carving a path through blackberry cluster fucks. I just keep swatting away, stomping on branches, pulling out thorns, scraping my body and silently giggling at how exciting it feels to be thrashing through the mess to get to the other side and see what is there.  Each time I go to make a new trail, I take the little bits of wisdom I discovered from previous power blazing adventures

and fine tune my tactics so as to be more efficient with my path and my journey.

The blackberry brambles of my life are food and the wonderful ways it can bring me to my knees. I have always searched out the comfort of food. As a young child, it was toasted gram crackers with peanut butter, frosted flakes with heavy cream (instead of milk), a few sleves of Oreo cookies and ritz crackers with butter and thick slices of cheddar cheese.... For my after school snack. 

I know I've shared with you my cravings for candy and that battle. Then we have my terrible romance with diet teas and supplements to shit it all away.

My love for rich food, great wine and cocktails just adds to the system I have depleted and starved to create a creature I could be happy with and what do I get??? Fucking gout. Serious as a heart attack.

One of my problems in life is that as soon as I make it through a situation, in which, I've had to struggle... A few good days and I am back at it. I push myself through and make it to the end standing on my two feet, I may not be able to feel them, but I am on them. As a performer, you just learn to do what you've got to do or someone else will do it. My vanity has had me do things any normal human would never think of doing. Being a Warrior Queen, I often approach things as if I am super human and can power through anything; most times I surprise myself by actually doing it and wondering how I even did it.

These last few years have been rougher on me than I have cared to admit. When my only comfort is food and most of the food I love is not what I should be putting inside of me; I get a bit bitchy, to myself, and I go on benders to prove I can do it! I will eat all the fucking cake and candy I want so there. The body can not lie. Martha Graham's father said that very phrase,'the body can not lie.'

Mine started yelling my truth a few years back and I just put it on mute and pushed on. I have had THE best few years artistically, spiritually, emotionally and socially. I felt like I had finally dropped all of my masks and believed I was standing tall and true within my body. The only thing was, I couldn't feel my feet and hadn't realized I had been brought to my knees and the world looks much different from that perspective.

The month of January, I was barely able to leave the house. I couldn't walk. I sat scooted most places and was cared for by my friends and family. I knew my back was not good, but I thought I was better off that where I found myself. After my 10th day of no sleep, a month after having to leave my sacred spot at the grill at the Columbian Cafe, I had my brother take me in because the swelling was in my foot, ankle and knee.  This is when I discover I do indeed have gout. Fuck me.

I can live with this news! It is diet based and I can give things up. I must. I now see the pattern. I have been chopping down this path for some time. I am learning. I know what I must do and I am totally worth the work!

Today, was the second day in a row since the beginning of December that I am not in total pain, I can feel my feet.  I know where I stand, and it is in my circle of light; I have just chopped through the last big branch in my path and I am standing at the edge of the most glorious golden field of grass kissed with poppies and batchelor buttons. It is like I am standing in a Monet with the sound track to A Room With A View playing all around me. The wind feels so perfect on my flesh and the blood is pulsing through my body telling me I have made it! I have understood the pattern and have stepped beyond. I know I can do this, mostly because I never want to endure the physical pain I was in these past few months. I have a very high threshold for pain and this battle took every ounce of strength and patience I could find to make it through.

In many ways, I do not feel like myself any longer; I have had to let go of who I was to become who I am and I am pretty fucking excited to discover who this fresh new me is. One thing is for certain, I AM TAKING IT SLOW AND SMELLING ALL THE FLOWERS ALONG THE WAY, and opening my heart in ways I have always been too afraid to do. Watch out world HERE. I. CUM!

Self embarrassment issues and the case of dick puke

I'm on like day 5 of no sleep. It's been one of those great rolls (half wink), I even think I started singing 'roll out the barrels' while washing my hands the other morning. It has really been an interesting few days. I have spent most of it in a strange meditation watching day come and fade and come again. My niece asked me if I would teach her to meditate; she is 10! So, I've been considering my journey in meditation. I have my public meditation; the space I put myself into while cooking for people or teaching or massage or performing. That meditation is about being present in the moment I am in not holding on to anything but the tasks before me, no judgement just being in the moment of the breath I breathe in and out. Then, there is my personal meditation, which is always in evolution and variation.

For the purpose of this case, I am going to delve into the personal meditation, thought ribbon iron out. It is really any interesting journey! As I begin to quite myself in meditation, these have been taking place lying on my back (I do prefer to be sitting or standing). I focus on my breath, following it up one side and down and out the other and as I sink into the floor thoughts are racing by and my mind looks at them as they zoom this way and that. One will usually grab me and I will focus on it as I breathe and begin tracing it back to the orgin, almost all converge on my 4th grade year. It is truly incredible to watch.

So this one thought grabbed me the other day, it is one that floats around a lot taunting me, silly mind. It is the reel of the attempt of going on a blind date while I was living in Portland, while in school. After my scaring experience in New York in the 90's, one might begin to imagine my hesitation... I agree to meet him, let's call him Billy, up at Box Social, my friend was bartending so I went in early for a little liquid courage. I needed it! I am so shy on dates and I am always so on edge as to how long it takes for me to let my freak side out...never a good idea on a first date! I look at it as I want them to know an extreme of me right off... Haven't I mentioned I'm not the best at dating before (wink). Teach me. I breathe....

So he arrives, we have a total energetic connection, I was practically sitting in his lap after my first sip... Of my 1st drink with him, 2nd if you count the pre-drink. We had really incredible conversation. The place wasn't too booming and so I felt more at home than in public and so we are talking about something and suddenly I can't listen to him speak any more I have to feel his words coming off his tongue and out.... I locked on and started doing my best Hoover upright to date.  I felt so hot for him. It felt sooooo fucking good to finally be making

out with someone! Yes! It got to the point that my friend bartending suggested we go outside and cool off and she would join us for a smoke and a look see. She is the best!!

Yes, I am one of those PDA people that drive me so crazy:) I really just can't help myself. I eat food the same way too! I want it, it tastes good, I open my mouth and shove it in.

So my next breath takes me to another moment in time where we meet at the Edgefield, I had a gift certificate and it is one of my most favorite getaways and the soaking pool is to die for!!!! I had plans to make out in there and put the lesbian couple from that one time to shame; the plants would know!! Well, we didn't make it to the pool in time.. We scared the ghosts away that night, I tend to get into things... Maybe I'm too much. My meditation will lead me....

Next, we are at the 600 square foot studio apartment, with my twin mattress on the floor, roommate gone for a bit (thank you Nicholas) we had had some drinks and we were squeezed on the floor of the bedroom/living room/hallway to the bathroom. And I am hungry and there is something so warm and juicy and thick and meaty before my eyes and I can't help myself and eat like it was my last supper... I can be eager. I was setting myself up for some serious mouth queefs; I just wasn't prepared for the vomit that fell out of my mouth and all over his temple and valley. I was in that bathroom quicker than the time I almost didn't make it from the dieters tea. And had him cleaned up and my teeth washed in a flash. But it was no good. I had given myself my own walking papers. He couldn't see it was a compliment, it is so big it made me puke... Right??!? Anyway, it was pretty much over after that...

Then I had a jump back in time to freshmen year and HAVING to shower after PE... Yes, amazing for everyone else but not me. Oh the names, and teasing and cat calls at my beautiful pear shaped body, and did you get a look at the size of his belly button!!! We can just swim in there when tapiola pool closes.  The coach took pity on me and and just had me hand out towels to the guys when they showered. Um...ok. Thank goodness for the cinder block wall that separated us!

Next jump is to the beginning of my 4th grade year and being a boy in a private school with low class size, I tried out for the basketball team. Two benches in from the dribble drill and the coach stops everyone to yell at me because he isn't going to take the extra time to coach a lefty, and I was going to need a lot of extra help because I'm so chubby I have no hustle. That was it, my athletic career over and it translated to me being 2nd to last or last picked for teams in PE and recess... I really got into swinging on the swings and spinning a fucking jump rope, and letting my chubby body whip me around the high bar over and over until I wanted to puke and I wouldn't feel like myself when I stood up. Plus, the cold metal felt so good between my legs.

That is the root of my body embarrassment issues. It is great to know its origin, to see how that grew and manifested along the timeline of my path to understanding who is this divine creature and what have I done now.

DAYLIGHT ALERT

Happy New Year y'all!! I have a spark of creativity that has been surging through me but I have not had the means to release it. I have been really trying to honor my journey and learn from the moments I am given. Lately, it has felt like too much to even put on a cute outfit.  Truth is, I miss my heels and dancing in them! I never thought I would... I mean, come on, they are back breakers and my feet ached every time; but the moment I put them on my feet and stride as Daylight I ignore all that pain because all my soul feels is pure beauty.

I made a promise to myself: I am taking this year off from doing a big show, teaching and working insane hours. Instead, I am focusing on my physical wellness. Many of you already know that I am facing my back issues. I have always been one that powers through and works above my physical means because I am determined to be able to do it all!!! Not to be greedy, but because I have many tastes I wish to satisfy in my life. This year, I am going to taste the beauty of slowing down and mending this sack of flesh I call my temple.

As I say to myself each morning as I'm doing my physical therapy, "I'm turning my breakdown into a break through." So.... As I was walking down the street the other day listening to Madonna's new single live for love (which is my new soul track at the moment) I had a flash! I pulled my head out of my ass and understood a few things! The most important being that in lieu of doing Dragalution this year I can still have a big dance party!! It is the best part of the shows next to seeing everyone all dressed up and expressing their inner drag!!!

So......on January 30 at 9pm at the Astoria Arts and Movement Center I will be hosting DRAG IT OUT!!!! I am too excited!! We will have an incredible night of getting to work it out on the dance floor! There will be jello shooters, a few surprises from the Cums family performance archives and other surprises!!!

Another revelation I had was that I am going to start using my cousin and protege Moonshine Cums for some of my other artistic ventures I am working on. I just know you are going to love her as much as I do!! She is the sweetest! One of the projects to watch out for will be our weekly YouTube episodes. I have told Moonshine that the best way to learn is to teach; so she will be helping me in the kitchen and in the studio when I am unable to be there.

The most important thing I realized was actually an old conversation that was pulled to the surface of my mind. It was from a mentor I had while I was working on my MFA in Dance. We were talking about lovers and he said that being in relationship was something he gave up for the love of his dance. I recognize this trait in myself. I have always kept myself too busy to have time for love. I have had love of my craft, of food, of work, nature, friends but have kept myself too busy for love of a lover. So I step forward on my path this year with an even more open heart and an awareness that maybe all I need is love...

And I KNOW I am loved. I feel that from y'all on the daily. I'm just sayin that I am open to a relationship this year! I got all of that from one little song on a walk.

Here is to us! May we all look around more this year. May we find more calm within our souls and more bravery in our lives. May we continue to dance with our freak flags flying and celebrate the fact that we are here and we do have support from those around us. I've learned all you have to do is to trust and to speak your heart and that listening without judgement is divine. I love you!! I can't wait to share the dance floor with you on the 30th and I can't wait for the next time we see each other eye to eye:)

Yours truly,

Daylight

And here she is, my cousin, Moonshine Cums!!!

Make mine a double

I'm laying in bed, just letting my mind wander through all of the stuff that gets stuck in there. I was just flashing through a lost reel of memories and I just have to share (wink)! I guess it is my friend Tawnya's fault, and I love her for it!! Last week we were talking about her folks and something in our conversation triggered the long lost memories of my 21st year and how fucking rad her mom always was to me at the Red Lion, when we went dancing.

At that moment, all the files returned and I have been going through them. This point in time, my 20's, were rough for me and we live in a rough town and so I have walked away from a lot of moments in my life. Getting these memories back has reminded me that it may have been rough but we had fun and knew how to PARTY!!

The Red Lion was so cool. The walls were all wood, the tables were barrels, there were ropes, dark booths, a low ceiling, a very small dance floor, live cover bands and a lot of spandex!!! Not just on the girls. And spandex on a dude is always a sight to behold; especially since most of them were men enough to never wear underwear!! Yes! The volleyball games were THE best. One guy used to wear his black spandex with a t-shirt that read " if it swells, ride it" and he was George Michael, WHAM, sexy!!! Then there was my buddy that always wore his turquoise spandex! And he would wear them out dancing at the Red Lion!! 

This is reason one I always tried to sit so I could see people leaving the dance floor after a slow dance. Their excitement was always noticeable! One drunken night, the line to the bathroom was too long, so turquoise spandex and I went outside to smoke a cig and pee in the bushes. As we approach the bushes he turns to me, as he is doing what he is saying," The best part about wearing spandex is that I never have to pull my shorts down; I just lift the leg and slide it out the bottom like this and I pee." I'm in heaven. I need a drink!!

Tawnya's mom was a bartender there and she would ALWAYS hook me up with a double and in a tall glass too. I would just slink to the side and she would slide one my way and I would tip her big! It was always a stressful approach to the bar, having to wade between tables of dudes that wanted to kick my ass because of how nasty I would dance with their girlfriends. But the reward was always worth it.

Double vodka cranberry or double kamakazie baby! Those were my drinks. Well, screwdrivers and fuzzy navels too. And gin and tonics; they looked best under black lights. I kind of had to be loaded to calm my nerves and I sweat so fucking much on the dance floor I just never could keep my buzz.

I just loved sitting at those tables and laugh and check out who was with who and smoke cigarettes and dance dance dance. So many great nights in there playing with the people I grew up with, some of us friends, others people you'd know by face and those you wish you never would have met. All of us there for the same reason: to have a fucking  blast and party it out!

Then there was the Shilo Inn, in Seaside. That was always a good time because there were always more cute tourists there. And the dance floor was about 10 inches bigger, had higher ceilings and a brass railing along the dance floor that was perfect for practicing our body ripples and sexy poses. And... You could see the ocean while you danced to the DJ, who always played the hits ( which is generally better than most cover bands).

The line to get into the Shilo was always a rediculous power game for the bouncers and they would always make me wait a bit because I was known as the nasty dancer. I can't help that I liked to dance with their girlfriends, they had all the right moves and were willing to grind with me. But those moments were rare. There was a posse of us that would take to the dance floor and we would dance in a group being inspired and driven by the music and all of the moves being expressed around us and through us. It was always like we were having more than the experience that we were in.

Dance has always done that to me. Most times I am out of my fucking mind and in a different world, and not from the doubles, but from the moment. Dance brings something out that I keep trapped within me, my joy, my essence. Wherever I may be I keep a dance in my stride. I have always searched out the dance party. As I've said to many before," they are usually done at home and by myself or with a few friends." 

Over the years, I've danced more and switched to singles and quit smoking. I've lost some hair, gained a few pounds, learned some amazing dance moves and always have the beat within every breath I take and step I make. 

I think my mind has settled enough, I bid you good night! Love to you all and remember it's always best to DANCE IT OUT!

In other news ....

I have dedicated my life to be the best I can be, given the equipment I have been given. Every since I can remember, all I have wanted to do was make people laugh and help to ease the pain that this life delivers. I have always played the fool and made fun of myself in order to bring laughter to those around me. 

I have pushed myself hard. I have worked the lives of many into this frame of mine, scheduled almost every second of my time to ensure I can be everything I have always wanted to be. We all know I love to be on the stage and to entertain. I live for the sound of 5-6-7-8!!! I crave rehearsing and creating shows, dance, laughter, food and thought. I love the community I am apart of and the crazy we bring forth!!!

Because of my push and drive and stubbornness I have had to face a reality I have been avoiding for some time... I have injured my body in a way that is causing me to leave the stage and cancel Dragalution this year.  I am taking this next year to really focus on finding my strength, ease the pain in my back and legs and discover the means to survive and thrive with my new set of cards I have been dealt.

I am a fighter. I am the warrior queen and my quest is personal this time!! I really want you all to know how much your constant love and support means to me! It is the fuel I pack my soul with as I make my steps forward.

The interesting thing is that it is scary stepping forward not knowing what is ahead and not being able to fully feel through my legs as I take my strides. It's like walking in clouds or through thick fog; I think I know where I am but I never really do know. I'm just trusting as I step on, knowing that something or someone will be there when I fall and help me brush myself off and continue on.

I have no idea how I feel about any of it. I am excited for the adventure and I can not wait to be shown the hidden mysteries to who I am and how creative I can be at this game called life!!!

I love you all!!! 

An ode to farts

I grew up attending Sanit Mary's Star of the Sea School, in Astoria, Oregon. It really was an incredible growing experience in so many ways. I attended mass every day, loved recess, the kitchen ladies, the nervous feeling I got each and every time I walked into the buildings, especially the church; more specifically being in the side room or on the altar.  I ALWAYS worked at being a perfect loving example of God's love, yet I was always sweating, waiting for a statue or painting to speak to me and tell me I was GOING TO HELL. I have a flair for the dramatic, especially I my mind.  I just knew God was going to tell me how bad I was, and so, I would distract by being silly and causing trouble; which is exactly what I shouldn't have been doing in the first place.

In my family, we prayed a lot and we had a lot of gas. We had a living room rule that we were to go to the door and fart into the dining room, so as not to choke out the family while watching TV. We usually made a production of it, cribbing the door frame and forcing one out with a nice long rip. Always so satisfying!! Almost as good as those loud farts that wake you from your sleep (wink).

I also used my gas as a weapon. My standard operating procedure for winning a fight was to pin my opponent down, namely one of my siblings, by placing my knees along their rib cage, with my large ass in my cordory rubbed bare at the thigh navy blue uniform right on their faces; arms on their legs so they couldn't kick up and I would force one out! They were best when I was on my dairy kick and I had real warm smelly farts that would make the paint weep.

One of my all time favorite moments was my 7th grade year. I had Sister Catherine, the year before she became a Mother, we were gathered in the corner west facing classroom on the top floor... Incredible view! We were listening to Bill Cosby tell the story of Noah. We were all squeezed so tight around the record player, just laughing so much at how awesome his telling of the story was. He made it very enjoyable. I was kneeling on my chair, like a good praying boy, but my elbows were on my desk so my ass was up in the air, poised for a great sound off. We had had chili that day at lunch and I had felt a gas bubble building and I really wanted to go to the hall and fart in my locker, but the story was TOO funny to leave so I kept holding my little rosebud tighter and tighter.... My laughing and nervousness about having to fart was making my cheeks all red, my feathered-parted-down-the-middle hair stick to my face, my bucked tooth cackle quiver and my rosebud weaken.... Out of the depths of my ass came THE LOUDEST AND LONGEST FART I HAD EVER HEARD!!!! It seriously went on and on and my laughing made it worse and caused me to snap a few more out. Everyone was in laughter! Well, not Sister Catherine. She lifts the needle off of the record, grabs me by my ear (I'm not joking) and yanked me into the hall. While out there she leaned into me, her breath smelling stale and like face powder, her faint mustache quivering above her angry tight lips as she told me how sinful I had been to fart like that in public. She reminded me that I am a terrible young man and that I always fail at being a positive role model. I'd heard it all before, since kindergarten really. My punishment was that I had to move my desk to be right next to hers in class and I had to sit on the floor next to her log when we were on the carpet for other studies and singing practice. I was by her side for weeks. It began to feel so natural being at her side, observing the class from that point of view. I kind of liked it.

Anyway(ssssss), one day, while we were sitting on the carpet practicing 'Prepare Ye the Way' for mass; I'm seated at Sister Catherine's left, couldn't be her right because that is reserved for God, and out of the corner of my eye I notice her oh so gingerly lift her left cheek off of her stump and she let out a silent but deadly one on me!!!! I looked at my friend, Kim, sitting to my left to see if she caught what had just happened and there was no avoiding it because you could smell it! I giggled, made a little scene and she blamed it on me! Sent me to the hall! That was that, all farts would always be blamed on me since I had so publicly displayed my skills.

It got me nervous. I didn't want to be known as the farter, chub rub Davis was bad enough ( it's because my big chubby thighs rubbed together and made a great sound with the cords I wore for my uniform.) I asked one of the girls in my neighborhood how she controlled her farts. She told me that her mom made her wear a cork up her butt to hold them in. I just knew a fart could never hold mine in! I had force, just ask anyone.

A few years later, the year in 1987, I'm in my first yoga class at good ol CCC, Harvard on the Hill; we are doing cat/cow and an older lady next to me totally farts, ripping nice and loud in the gym. I started giggling so bad I had to leave the room. Namaste. 

As a gay man, I can't keep my hole tight enough to keep those farts away from potential dates. I will never forget the morning after my first time of being with a man.... I was sitting on the futon visiting with two of my girlfriends, smoking cigarettes and laughing at how fun the party had been and they wanted details because I had had my tongue down some guys throat all night. We were all laughter and good times and my laughter couldn't keep my sore hole closed and out came the loudest and wettest ky fart EVER. I was so humiliated, and yet, it is one of my favorite stories to tell. It is a great ice breaker... Which always leads to deal breaker. No wonder I can't get a date!

From that moment on, I lived in fear of my farts. Sleeping over with a fella was never relaxing, can't relax I may fart. It's my special spot, nothing nasty can come out of it! I'm perfect! NOT! During the night I would just edge my ass off the side and lift the covers to prevent a Dutch oven effect and pray for it to be silent on the way out.

Silly really. We all fart. I always found such pleasure in them . I still do while I'm driving or in bed or in the shower. I have a circle of friends that I am comfortable farting around. I don't use it as a weapon any more. However, in 1997, I took over my dad's former job at Star, although I could never replace Mister D, I went as Mister Marco, and he told me one of his favorite things to do was to walk through groups of kids gathered in the halls and leave a silent one and watch them fight over who just farted. I learned from the best.

It may be considered a filthy thing, but farting has always been something that makes me happy. I don't think it is a sin. I don't think it should make me undatable. In 2006, I choreographed an entire dance based on farting and the actions and reactions farting may cause. I do not sniff my own farts or think I'm smug from the act of farting. I just think it is natural, I'm going to own it when I drop it and I will, probably, always giggle on the inside when it does happen. I'm for sure not going to hell for farting! 

The path to auditions for dragalution 2015

A week from today, at 9:30 PM, at the Columbian theater I will be having auditions for Dragalution 2015!!!! I can not even begin to describe how excited I am about this new show!!!! As usual, I don't like to give too much away because the thrill of not knowing is so powerful; and I always have a plan but it does have a tendency to take charge and bend at the will of the energy of the cast.

I can tell you that it is going to be different than the last show (wink). I always like to push myself artistically, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. 

As a troupe, we take ourselves to the edge of our comfort zones and then take a step beyond that. These shows may be an awesome experience the night of the show; but it is the rehearsing, the sweating, frustrations, fears and joy of the challenge that give it life.

We learn so much about ourselves in rehearsal. Somedays, we love each other so much; other days we may be frustrated but we push through and come to a greater place as a team.

I feel it at every show, in the days and weeks leading up to the performance. We get excited to tap into those places that we don't often give life to. We get excited to get dressed up and let our freaky selves out to play with no judgement!! For myself, one of my favorite moments is walking from the house with our parade to the theater and seeing everyone all dressed up and ready to take it all in! That enthusiasm for the show is the pulse of my life!!! Standing on that stage and breathing in the strength, question and beauty of you all is why we continue to do these shows. We love celebrating this revolution with you!!!!

We can not have a dragalution without making ourselves uncomfortable and pushing ourselves beyond our comfort zones to a new level of understanding and grace. I encourage you to come and audition, if just to experience that thrill of what the fuck is going to happen and what is he going to make me do (wink). I may push us, but I always do it to bring us to a better place. Seriously.

This show is going to have a few numbers that require many people. We will be doing a movement video that will be in the second half of the show and I would love 15-40 people for that. I dream big people!!!! I'm looking for strong performers that are willing to embrace fears and push the line with me! We have fun!!! We work hard! We bring a living art experience to the stage and party with it!!! WE ARE DRAGALUTION!!!! And I want to see you shine!!!

I hope I see you at auditions!! We will be rehearsing Tuesday and Wednesday nights at 9:30. The movement video will have its own rehearsal time of Tuesdays at 7:30PM. This show promises to take us on a journey we have not yet been on and I can not wait to get working on it with you/for us!!!

Until I see you, know how much I love you and that your love is what gives me purpose, drive and breath!!!

I am yours eternally,

Daylight

The Hurl Curl and Related Mysteries

Most of you know I have serious talent when it comes to burping. Now, take that force and add a complete spinal ripple ending in a total Linda Blair exodus of vomit with a high powered vocal underscore and you have the hurl curl. I just really have a hard time holding back, so when I vomit it is a total body experience for everyone involved.

One of my favorite ones was at Boxxes. I had just finished my pantry shift at Benjamin's at the PacWest, my nick name was pantry princess, see even back then people saw my grace and beauty (insert buck toothed smile). I was waiting for my brother and some friends to go dancing next door at the Brig. I was on a carrot and celery diet, so my three double screwdrivers hit me hard and fast. Add that to the half dozen cigarettes I smoked while I waited for my friends, they were late, and the high level of anxiety I had sitting in a gay bar all by myself; it's no wonder Linda came for a visit. 

I had my mouth sweats happen, then I got a bit sweaty, which is nothing new, I always get nervous and sweaty in public. However, that combination is a tell tale sign of the approach of the hurl curl. I made my way to the bathroom. Of course the path is lined with uber sexy men against the wall working a hook up. Skin tight Levi's, hairy chests, vests and attitude lined the approach to the bathroom. As I start my nervous stumble to the toilet, I can not hold it back. Before I know it, my hands are up trying to hold back a force too great to be restrained, and I have carrots and celery and screwdriver shooting out between my fingers spraying all along the wall as I continue my hurl to the sink where I heave and heave filling the sink with a nice chop salad. It really is no wonder I can never get a date. Who would want to date that hot mess? 

It was the return from the bathroom that was the worst. The evil glares and bitchy squeals coming from the wall of masculinity. Judging me. Pushing me. Laughing. I just lit a cig and went to the otherside, where word of my escapade had not yet arrived, just like my friends. Fuck. I'll call that scene.

Next up, my adventures in dating land, staring me, a florist, two dogs, gravity bongs, Jaegermeister shots, whiskey sours, bangars and mash and a VHS of Northern Exposure. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Every day for six months. I know. But he loved me and dreamed of me.

It began on a lovely day in Astoria 1999, I went into a flower shop to buy myself my weekly boquette of flowers; a little thing I did for myself because I was worth the love. Anyway(sssss), as I approach the back counter this fella with long hair, wide ribbed camel colored cords and hemp necklace turned, made eye contact with me and fell back into the card stand knocking it over. I helped the fella up. He got all giddy and looked at me with his sweet blue eyes and proceeded to say, "Sorry about that. You just took my breath away. I have been having a dream about you for years and figured it was just someone I would never know and now here you are in front of me."

Pause..... I am a devout romantic. Always have been. He was tugging on my heart strings and my wheels were turning on our new found love. He dreamt about me, that means something. I will open my locked down heart and see what happens..... That was my instantaneous inner dialogue that allowed me to say," my name is Marco, want to get together after work and tell me more?"

I should add that this all happened at the end of one of my seven year cycles of trying romance. He came over that evening and I lived up to my true form which was to be sure to do it on the first date because if he discovers how much of a freak show I am he might now be back and at least I can have one fun ride.

We did it on my zebra faux fur comforter, under a ceiling of bamboo, and after a few drinks and an hour of making out and smoking. Tasty I know. I was excited though! He was in to me and that felt great. Mid thrust he says, "can we go to the shower to finish?" I guess. I hated my shower, it was in an awkward space in the basement and I always felt more dirty when I was done....

Fast forward a few months.

We saw each other everyday. This was our exact routine, hardly  any variation, ever:

I would sleep on his small bed smothered by his two dogs and him.

I would get up at 5 and go to work. 

Take my first break at 8, go pick him up for work ( he had no license).

He would have a shot or two of Jaegermeister and a gravity bong, I would join for the bong.

I would drop him at work and return for my day.

I'd go walk his dogs after work and clean up the mess from his puppy.

Pick him up at 5

He would give me a presnt or flowers every day.

We would go to Ship Inn

He would have 3 double whiskey sours, I would have single vodka crans.

I would have fish and chips, he would have bangars and mash.

We would smoke many cigarettes.

Next stop, 711 for a six pack to take to his place.

Clean the mess from the puppy

Gravity bong

A shot

Sit on the love seat with the two dogs and watch the same cassette of Northern Exposure as he told me he loved this show, the first time from his lips, the thousandth time to my ears. 

It was a long loop of Groundhog Day and it took me months to understand the pattern. It really was the always having to do it in the shower so he wouldn't pass out that really got to me. Or maybe how he always fell down the stairs. He loved me but could never remember our history together because he was always so fucked up. But he loved me.

I caught a reflection of myself one day while we were at it in the shower next to the heaps of dirty laundry on the floor, my body swollen from all the drinking and fried food and I hated myself. This wasn't love.

The thing was, he was so loved by people. He was the sweetest. But our relationship was not healthy and I was enabling him as I would match him and hold his hair at the toilet and try to keep his life in order.

I think the worst part was the humiliation of finding out he had been stealing from work. All of my gifts were hot items. Long time family friends. I still feel guilty when I see them.

Anyway(ssss), that was the year I met my savior, Melanie, and I got the hell out of town......

Just this past month I met this fella who was thinking of moving to town. He was told that he should meet me and I introduced him around and I tried to be his friend. He really is a sweet man, he totally reminds me of my exboyfriend from'99, but I pumped the breaks because his pattern was so strongly what I vowed to stay clear of. It brought back too many memories of sad and heavy times for me.

The interesting thing is that during the encounter with this present day ex, the former ex passed on. I feel such joy for him. To know he has been released from his struggles and pain brings a sense of relief for me. My problem is that I did love him so much and he was a pivotal part of my path but I could not make space for him in my life because of how our time together was. I guess the best part of that time together was that every time he looked at me with his blue eyes he was always seeing me for the first time and that joy was exquisite.

He was the reason I pulled my life together and saught out my own path. He is why I stopped being a heavy drinker, why I quit smoking cigarettes and why I took an interest in living my life and searching out eye to eye, heart to heart friendships. He pushed me down my path and helped me find breath in my stale soul. So for that, I honor his passing.

I've said good bye to my hurl curl life. I am always willing to demonstrate a dry heave version if you'd like but I'm not that person any longer.

I used to have an eating disorder, but then I found laxitives...or I've seen beyond the ring of fire..also know as I've learned a few things from this hard cock life

Vanity could have been the ruin of me.  

Vanity has been the ruin of me.

Vanity has been fuel to my life fire.

Vanity can ruin you or raise you up.

I've seen the dark side of my vanity..

And I can go dark.

I think one of my worst was coming out of my first run of fierceness in NYC in 1996. I was back in Astoria and needed to make every day a NYC day. I may have come home ruined, but I delivered. I learned from a very young age that I do best stepping out with my strong leg first. On days I felt less than what I think I should, I dressed  it up and made it comply to my image. 

A few months into my return, I noticed my cake waist expanding and my 29" that I snorted so hard for not even making it up past mid thigh. I wasn't walking my several miles a day in the city anymore, something about a small town just makes a girl want to drive. Maybe it was the yells. Hard to tell but my ass and gut were growing and I couldn't handle that.

I began my love affair with super dieters tea or 3 ballerina tea, depending on what was on sale. I was serious about my tea. The directions were something like: steep one bag of tea in an 8 ounce glass of hot water for 10 minutes. I, being the fierce bitch I was, did 3 bags in 6 ounces of hot water for 20 minutes. The results were an ass cramping good time. The cramps would start around 6 in the morning. I could not make morning farts without sitting on a toilet, because it worked that good!

A few months in, I had dropped my pounds, still had my little belly ( still do, it just likes me), and I knew to never trust a fart before noon. Most days, I would have nice whole pieces of undigested food floating in the toilet. What a miracle!!!

Two things happened within a few weeks of each other....

The first being, I was going to go to lunch with a friend, we were making plans and I was feeling just so fierce and I had a bit of a fart cramp.. A quick glance at the wall, almost 2, I am safe; I'll just let it out gently. I released that fart and felt it run down the inside of my legs. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I shat my pants and it was being absorbed by my socks, it was just water and lettuce after all.

Second, one morning I went to wipe and things just didn't feel right. Well duh, my ass hole was outside of my body.. Yeah, not cool. I just shoved that lining back up in there and prayed that it would just stay there.

It brought back terrible memories to me. I have such butt hole issues. Got to keep that shit clean, literally. The worst being, and I am proud of myself for sharing this, being intimate with my boyfriend of 1991, really the second guy I was ever with, and we are on his twin bed, Aveda candles burning, Julia Fordham playing. Porcelain in my head, his head you know where and all of a sudden my butt becomes a milk duds factory as I watch one land on the bed. You can imagine my horror. He grabs a tissue and cleans it right up assuring me it is natural. Right, if I'm sitting on a toilet or making shit bombs in the forest; but not while being intimate. 

I make light of it, but it has scared me for decades and one reason why I have intimacy issues. The other reason being a survivor of rape and just having moments of that shame outfit always on, like temple garments or something.

It makes me remember how my grandma, who was my best friend and soul mate and schizophrenic, would always make me bathe when I stayed over to get the filth off of me, so she could be around me. I just never feel like I rinse it off enough. I feel like all anyone sees is that filth. My mind plays the reel of filthy little fag over and over. I almost never hear it any more. But it does visit from time to time and on those days I invite it in and let it see just how fabulous and fierce I am!! Rise above baby.

This year has been fucking rough and as I peel away the layers of protective and shame infused layers I've hauled around with me; I remind myself that I always rise above. I always try to flow like water, never fighting, just going along for the ride. At the same time, I push push push on, push out, search within. Then it hit me: to be water and rise above I must swell like the river after a winter's melt. By releasing I allow myself to be supported by the shores and water ways that surround and guide me. Namely, YOU ALL. Your continual love and support allow me to melt and grow and uncover the truth of who I am and what I have to give. 

That feeling is so wonderful! Unbounded joy and bliss. And I am just a firm believer of letting it out, by not keeping my shame hidden, allowing light on it, I recognize that I needn't keep in the dark, skirting around the shadows, cheating my angles to appear more, or less, depending.

Here is to all of us as we love into our dark season! Me we continue to be the light we are to each other. I am always here for you; as I know you are for me! Grab me and hold on if you need me.