The Path of the Fool, or The Art of Letting Go and Trusting

In Tarot, I always appreciate when the fool card appears. It reminds me to always trust, to never give up and to continue down the path no matter how unfamiliar, dangerous and scary it may be.

These past few months have pushed me along the edge of my path in ways I never imagined I could survive.  I have been balancing on the edge not knowing how to move forward. At that moment, I had to face myself and recognize that I must continue in ways unfamiliar to me. I had to let go of everything that I've held onto and trust that I would not fall. My masks were removed, my clothing left on the rubble behind me. Naked, I scaled along the edge of my existence holding on for relief and the hope that I would be on solid ground again.

What I discovered was that I felt totally equipped to go on. I was not sure as to who I was in the moment, because nothing about me felt familiar; yet, I knew I was more myself than ever before.

And then I looked up, a man was standing before me, his arm extended to take my hand. Working at not covering myself, I accept and allow him to guide me across this nasty ridge.

He was comfortable from the moment our hands touched. I didn't know what was more frightening, hanging on for dear life or finding comfort in his gaze.

For those of you that know me, I'm called 'the monk' for a reason... I fly solo. Meeting this man has changed my perspective. I want to understand this me I'm becoming. This new fool, willing to trust and fall into another's arms. 

It brings me back to 2002, Winter term at the University of Oregon, needing to take a dance improvisation class; I decided on contact improvisation. The name alone scared me....contact. What?? What I discovered was that my body and soul had been starved of contact for years. To give into the trust and allow another person, often a stranger, to roll and support, lift and carry me through space and time was a sensation I didn't even realize I was missing in my life. 

The extra bounce in my step and sparkle on the air around me is due to finding that quality with the new man in my life, Tim. He has brought me to my breath, my heart beat and my desire to understand and discover more. His presence in my life has brought me to the edge and I see sky expanding beyond my understanding and I know I am to trust, to let go and to soar with him. Along the current of the wind we are carried and the air is sweet and warm and he is flying by my side taking it all in with me as we expand into the unknown; knowing that this is exactly where we need to be.

My past is no more. My skin has been shed and I am alive in this new body. I know not where we may touch down, I'm comfortable in the flight and also know that I am more grounded than I can ever recall. As the Warrior Queen, I am blessed to have found a warrior to carve out this path with. As frightening as it is to open up and share my vulnerability, I am grateful to be given the opportunity to be able to do so in this life time and especially with a man that sees me in the fullness of my being, flaws and all; and he is willing to share his vulnerability with means I find that priceless beyond measure.

To the journey my loves! May we all continue to grow and shine in the beauty and knowledge of who we are and how lucky we all are to have one another.

All my love,

Daylight

A wig picking good time

Hey hey!! I've been thinking of y'all quite a bit!! This weather has just made me want to be out there in my skates working the waterfront (wet sigh)!! Stopping and chatting with you, sharing a hug, some laughs, some dirty talk and you know how we do....

Anyways(sssss), snap. We have an exciting season ahead of us! I am so stoked, like I can hardly contain myself!!! Yesterday, I confirmed with our friend, DJ Gray Matter, and he is going to come on out to Astoria and throw a big ol dance party with me!!!! Right!!!! I know, he is the cutest:) did you know that it was me flirting with him across the counter at the cafe about 5 or 6 years ago ( I could roll my eyes back and recall the exact date, but I'll spare you all the details). Our flirt, well me flirting him humoring me, led to his first gig in Astoria in the Voodoo room and we blew the town up that night!! And we have continued our love affair with DJGM ever since; haven't we Astoria?!

We are calling it: Daylight's Dance Explosion with DJ Gray Matter!! It will be on May 2 at the AAMC. Details to cum soon:) I can tell you that there will be some new performance numbers!! Some new solos! A goddess ascending, a big finish, jello shooters and lots of fun sexy dancing!!!!

I can't wait to be dancing with y'all! The way we can raise the roof together is my faith! It is what brings joy to my heart and breath to my spirit. The way we can open ourselves up and step out and celebrate how individual, crazy, daring, brave, sexy and creative we all are gives me goose bumps every time. I love that we are willing to take chances and step out. I love looking out and seeing you glow and vibrate with light and glory.

As I was sitting here, picking out a wig, laughing at the unbreakable Kimmy Schmitz with my little brother, Steven, and Becky, I was just filled with so much joy for knowing you and getting to share in this wonderful ride we are on!!

This is our season of the Goddess Daylight. May we be surrounded by warm sunlight, soft grass, rolling rivers and waves, lush forests, laughter, celebration and the smell of love heavy in the air. May we all have a moment where the mind stops and everything floats in harmony and we can we are exactly where we need to be and it is fine to slow down and enjoy a moment of conversation, silence, a look at the river, in someone's eyes; at the sky.

In my blossoming, I am going to challenge myself to send cards more (if you want me to write you get me your address), have more laughter and conversations with friends, swing at shively park, get a new Bocce ball set and most importantly keep opening my heart as my journey unfolds. 

Showering you in kisses,

Daylight

I didn't EVEN get lei'd or how I missed my trip to Hawaii also known as turning in to myself

I am one that loves a good, as I like to call 'holiday' ( makes me feel more worldly (wink) or special), or vacation. My sister and her husband bought me a ticket to Hawaii and we have been planning for months. I had narrowed it down to 5 bikini, 3 of my own (including my hot pink one just in case) and 2 borrowed from my girl Teri Yukki (thanks babe!). I had been working on getting some muscle tone and strength back in my body since I had been down for several months; granted those months did have about 5-10 days of not being down and we all know I "performed" for my party. 

It didn't feel like a performance to me, I felt like I was robbing myself, drag family and y'all of the standards of excitement and fun that DRAGALUTION generally provides. I just wasn't about to not do something, we had to have a party right?! And we did! It was such a fun night!!! The thing about it was, and I know I've talked about this with some, I just was not present. I was there, but I didn't feel myself, I put on my best face but felt like everyone could see the reality of the fractured queen behind the mask.

Anyway(ssss), I continued to feel better after the show and got to work on getting ready for this trip and some inspirations for a new artistic show/project!!! I just can't help myself, I get so in my head day in and day out of just laying on the floor, couch or in bed and I create. I have movement visualizations that make me crave to have rehearsals and transplant those visualizations into bodies and space. So, I put a short walking playlist together and started walking it out for a few days; it was feeling g-o-o-d!! The walking turned to swishing and soon I had a few days of actual strong strut and that made me feel like I was out of the woods and walking in the warm sunlight again.

So what do I do? I do the one thing I always do because I love to push myself, I fucking start pushing myself. I up my ballet barre, do more leg lifts oh I know I can just push the flexibility back into my body; I can make that left knee submit and be free again. I never, ever, fucking learn. Add some extra drinks and French fries and maybe one really great eat out meal, at a raw food restaurant, and what do you know, but my left knee begins to react. It starts getting tighter, so I 'back off' of my workout routine and ease my pace back to a walk.

My sister kept wanting to know when I was going to arrive at her place. I finally told her that I'm holding out as long as possible because I was having some knee issues and wanted to give it time to chill. Not an easy thing to say to her, especially since we have been breathing for the moment of getting to swim in the ocean together and have some yummy drinks and food. I kept hoping my knee was just irritated because of the extra work I had been putting it through; I knew, at the core of my being, that it was the gout, and I was sweating balls!" How can this be happening to mmmmmeeeeee," I screamed inside my vast pit of a mind. All the while understanding that I had done this to myself.....again. 

By last Monday evening, I had to take to bed, my knee was huge and just burning and I couldn't take it. Tuesday, I made 4 calls: 2 to clients to reschedule, one to my doctor and one to my sister.  I kind of broke my sisters heart. I had no choice, I did the only thing I could do, I told her I could not go. "What about first class, pain pills and a wheel chair?" She asks.. Just the sound of the sentence was enough for me... No fucking way!

First of all, I can't fucking get out of bed to walk, I'm having cold sweats, completely uncomfortable, pissing into jars because I can't get to the bathroom and the thought of my sister and her husband pushing me around in the sand so I could lay and watch the fun times around my was my own personal circle in Dante's Inferno. Seriously, that will be my hell!

So in lieu of my trip to Hawaii, I've spent the week in bed and on the couch and floor, staring at the beauty of this glorious early spring from the various windows providing me my glimpses of life sprouting all around me.

I can't be upset about it. It is what it is and this is where I am and I'm sifting through the sheets and pillows for the lesson as I shift every other five minutes because I can never find comfort.

It is more than I thought it would be, this shift of focus on my life. I totally get it, I am present in this condition. The thing is, I am not myself any more. I had to drop her off at the nearest taco bar and baby step on. I am completely unfamiliar as to who this is within my body and soul. My pushing, has pushed me out of the comfort of the body I was growing to love and has placed me here, lost, numb and confused as I push myself across the floor and grab on to things for dear life because it feels like if I fall I will shatter into that ball of glitter and rainbows I'm not ready for. 

The journey is all mine, how I choose to continue is up to me. Part of me pictures being carried by four glorious men on my bed of pillows, satin, chiffon and fur; but how would I pay them? Being the science nerd I really am, I am going to get to the root of this mystery and find the resonating harmony that I know is within this new body of mine. I may even get a kick ass cane with a big ol' jewel or tiger's eye on top for days that I need a bit of support (non-human support that is). This is the battle. This is my quest. How will my footprint, in this new body of mine, look as I leave my trail behind me always stepping on, always searching for more understanding and patience for the Warrior Queen I am destined to be. There is no sadness in my being. I sit. I listen. I breathe. I move as I may. I am. 

And the quest begins

They say the journey begins with a single step. Being the Warrior Queen, I find it fitting that my quest began with a single step into my new bikini... I just about dropped the phone when I saw what has happened to my body since it hasn't been able to be used for the last few months. My mind went instantly to the old me and my HORROR of the softening of my 74,000 dollar body (my student loan total from my MFA in Dance, and massage school with that fun little thing called interest)!!!! I was ready to grab my running shoes, my tap shoes, the jump rope, my HEELS; anything to help lift my ass back up and remove the cottage cheese dripping from the seam of my bikini down my legs. 

Then I remembered, I'm not that person anymore. At least I don't want to be. It actually hit me after I sent out a few texts to some friends attaching the HORRO PHOTO

and the question if I was too gay fat? Some days it really amazes me at how quickly all the oxygen can leave my brain and I type, think and say the most stupid things. Honestly, who does this bitch think she is?? Palease!!!!

It was at that moment I remembered I have altered my perspective on the situation I call and view as my life. It was then I recalled my own pep talk about loving myself and where I am at on my journey and to be more forgiving to myself. I have been known to be quite the drill seargent (wish I could wink bit it is the truth) ( soft knowing smile).

At this point in my discovery, I came to understand that it was time for me to depart on my quest and put understanding, growth and change in my bags and head out to discover the truth and honesty of this Warrior Queen.

I stood in the warmth of this knowledge as my body absorbed it, filling my senses to a state of overflowing beauty. The sun was falling across my body and I stood and looked and observed without judgement; I understood the reality of the battle I had just survived and saw not a diminished body, but one ready for this quest. The time for healing was transitioning to a time of strengthening and movement and the road ahead looking more comfortable than I had been picturing.

My journey began, I was moving; not pushing but being present in the moment of the spirals in my body. Sensing where it is I am in space and time. I noticed how I favored my weight to the right and I hesitated giving my left my full weight and motion. 

I stopped and felt the wind on my body as I drew the sweet air into my lungs, taking care to feel my feet upon the earth. My breath helping my feet to reach out and feel the support of the ground beneath me. The currents began running through me. Range of motion returning to me left side.

As I journeyed on, stepping through the forest, I felt how weak my legs were, stepping over logs was a struggle, the control not so good. I stopped at the edge of a beautiful field, the sun to my back and found it to be a most glorious spot to stop for a rest. I stretched out upon the warm grass and moss and began breathing deeply, feeling my body merge with the earth, completely supported and comforted. The sun felt so incredible on my body.

My meditation took me deep. I felt the connection to my animal spirit. Hawk was circling above protecting me. Next thing I knew, as I was exhaling deeply into the ground and sky, I felt the ripple of Hawk within me. First settling in at my scapula and spanning out down my arms and out my finger tips. I felt the motion of flight within me and it was incredible!!!!! 

I tried not to hold on to the moment, I wanted to be the moment. My wings spread wide again as I soared across the field and took to branch looking down at the human figure below me. The light eminating from it golden and bright. The body rippling the space around it as it became soil, grass, moss, tree, worm, air, hawk. 

This quest will, clearly, transform in ways I had never thought possible. And who am I to judge? I will continue with this openness and Hawk about me. This journey will change me and I am so ready and open to whatever I cross paths with along my way.

What I do know is this: I walk in the light, I breathe in the light, I am the light and wherever I may go I will always know where I am at because I am....the Warrior Queen.

I'm having my Gloria Estefan moment: I'm coming out of the dark

I am grateful. Yes, I believe that is how I want to begin this. I have been at such a loss. Words have not been able to come to my assistance as I am accustomed. I have been in a battle over pain and all my faculties have been on high alert to keep me breathing and patient. As a Warrior Goddess, I have TOTALLY been on a patience quest. It is a virtue, after all, and I am virtuous....most of the time (wink).

My whole life, I encounter a difficult situation, I grit my teeth and make my way through; like carving a path through blackberry cluster fucks. I just keep swatting away, stomping on branches, pulling out thorns, scraping my body and silently giggling at how exciting it feels to be thrashing through the mess to get to the other side and see what is there.  Each time I go to make a new trail, I take the little bits of wisdom I discovered from previous power blazing adventures

and fine tune my tactics so as to be more efficient with my path and my journey.

The blackberry brambles of my life are food and the wonderful ways it can bring me to my knees. I have always searched out the comfort of food. As a young child, it was toasted gram crackers with peanut butter, frosted flakes with heavy cream (instead of milk), a few sleves of Oreo cookies and ritz crackers with butter and thick slices of cheddar cheese.... For my after school snack. 

I know I've shared with you my cravings for candy and that battle. Then we have my terrible romance with diet teas and supplements to shit it all away.

My love for rich food, great wine and cocktails just adds to the system I have depleted and starved to create a creature I could be happy with and what do I get??? Fucking gout. Serious as a heart attack.

One of my problems in life is that as soon as I make it through a situation, in which, I've had to struggle... A few good days and I am back at it. I push myself through and make it to the end standing on my two feet, I may not be able to feel them, but I am on them. As a performer, you just learn to do what you've got to do or someone else will do it. My vanity has had me do things any normal human would never think of doing. Being a Warrior Queen, I often approach things as if I am super human and can power through anything; most times I surprise myself by actually doing it and wondering how I even did it.

These last few years have been rougher on me than I have cared to admit. When my only comfort is food and most of the food I love is not what I should be putting inside of me; I get a bit bitchy, to myself, and I go on benders to prove I can do it! I will eat all the fucking cake and candy I want so there. The body can not lie. Martha Graham's father said that very phrase,'the body can not lie.'

Mine started yelling my truth a few years back and I just put it on mute and pushed on. I have had THE best few years artistically, spiritually, emotionally and socially. I felt like I had finally dropped all of my masks and believed I was standing tall and true within my body. The only thing was, I couldn't feel my feet and hadn't realized I had been brought to my knees and the world looks much different from that perspective.

The month of January, I was barely able to leave the house. I couldn't walk. I sat scooted most places and was cared for by my friends and family. I knew my back was not good, but I thought I was better off that where I found myself. After my 10th day of no sleep, a month after having to leave my sacred spot at the grill at the Columbian Cafe, I had my brother take me in because the swelling was in my foot, ankle and knee.  This is when I discover I do indeed have gout. Fuck me.

I can live with this news! It is diet based and I can give things up. I must. I now see the pattern. I have been chopping down this path for some time. I am learning. I know what I must do and I am totally worth the work!

Today, was the second day in a row since the beginning of December that I am not in total pain, I can feel my feet.  I know where I stand, and it is in my circle of light; I have just chopped through the last big branch in my path and I am standing at the edge of the most glorious golden field of grass kissed with poppies and batchelor buttons. It is like I am standing in a Monet with the sound track to A Room With A View playing all around me. The wind feels so perfect on my flesh and the blood is pulsing through my body telling me I have made it! I have understood the pattern and have stepped beyond. I know I can do this, mostly because I never want to endure the physical pain I was in these past few months. I have a very high threshold for pain and this battle took every ounce of strength and patience I could find to make it through.

In many ways, I do not feel like myself any longer; I have had to let go of who I was to become who I am and I am pretty fucking excited to discover who this fresh new me is. One thing is for certain, I AM TAKING IT SLOW AND SMELLING ALL THE FLOWERS ALONG THE WAY, and opening my heart in ways I have always been too afraid to do. Watch out world HERE. I. CUM!

Self embarrassment issues and the case of dick puke

I'm on like day 5 of no sleep. It's been one of those great rolls (half wink), I even think I started singing 'roll out the barrels' while washing my hands the other morning. It has really been an interesting few days. I have spent most of it in a strange meditation watching day come and fade and come again. My niece asked me if I would teach her to meditate; she is 10! So, I've been considering my journey in meditation. I have my public meditation; the space I put myself into while cooking for people or teaching or massage or performing. That meditation is about being present in the moment I am in not holding on to anything but the tasks before me, no judgement just being in the moment of the breath I breathe in and out. Then, there is my personal meditation, which is always in evolution and variation.

For the purpose of this case, I am going to delve into the personal meditation, thought ribbon iron out. It is really any interesting journey! As I begin to quite myself in meditation, these have been taking place lying on my back (I do prefer to be sitting or standing). I focus on my breath, following it up one side and down and out the other and as I sink into the floor thoughts are racing by and my mind looks at them as they zoom this way and that. One will usually grab me and I will focus on it as I breathe and begin tracing it back to the orgin, almost all converge on my 4th grade year. It is truly incredible to watch.

So this one thought grabbed me the other day, it is one that floats around a lot taunting me, silly mind. It is the reel of the attempt of going on a blind date while I was living in Portland, while in school. After my scaring experience in New York in the 90's, one might begin to imagine my hesitation... I agree to meet him, let's call him Billy, up at Box Social, my friend was bartending so I went in early for a little liquid courage. I needed it! I am so shy on dates and I am always so on edge as to how long it takes for me to let my freak side out...never a good idea on a first date! I look at it as I want them to know an extreme of me right off... Haven't I mentioned I'm not the best at dating before (wink). Teach me. I breathe....

So he arrives, we have a total energetic connection, I was practically sitting in his lap after my first sip... Of my 1st drink with him, 2nd if you count the pre-drink. We had really incredible conversation. The place wasn't too booming and so I felt more at home than in public and so we are talking about something and suddenly I can't listen to him speak any more I have to feel his words coming off his tongue and out.... I locked on and started doing my best Hoover upright to date.  I felt so hot for him. It felt sooooo fucking good to finally be making

out with someone! Yes! It got to the point that my friend bartending suggested we go outside and cool off and she would join us for a smoke and a look see. She is the best!!

Yes, I am one of those PDA people that drive me so crazy:) I really just can't help myself. I eat food the same way too! I want it, it tastes good, I open my mouth and shove it in.

So my next breath takes me to another moment in time where we meet at the Edgefield, I had a gift certificate and it is one of my most favorite getaways and the soaking pool is to die for!!!! I had plans to make out in there and put the lesbian couple from that one time to shame; the plants would know!! Well, we didn't make it to the pool in time.. We scared the ghosts away that night, I tend to get into things... Maybe I'm too much. My meditation will lead me....

Next, we are at the 600 square foot studio apartment, with my twin mattress on the floor, roommate gone for a bit (thank you Nicholas) we had had some drinks and we were squeezed on the floor of the bedroom/living room/hallway to the bathroom. And I am hungry and there is something so warm and juicy and thick and meaty before my eyes and I can't help myself and eat like it was my last supper... I can be eager. I was setting myself up for some serious mouth queefs; I just wasn't prepared for the vomit that fell out of my mouth and all over his temple and valley. I was in that bathroom quicker than the time I almost didn't make it from the dieters tea. And had him cleaned up and my teeth washed in a flash. But it was no good. I had given myself my own walking papers. He couldn't see it was a compliment, it is so big it made me puke... Right??!? Anyway, it was pretty much over after that...

Then I had a jump back in time to freshmen year and HAVING to shower after PE... Yes, amazing for everyone else but not me. Oh the names, and teasing and cat calls at my beautiful pear shaped body, and did you get a look at the size of his belly button!!! We can just swim in there when tapiola pool closes.  The coach took pity on me and and just had me hand out towels to the guys when they showered. Um...ok. Thank goodness for the cinder block wall that separated us!

Next jump is to the beginning of my 4th grade year and being a boy in a private school with low class size, I tried out for the basketball team. Two benches in from the dribble drill and the coach stops everyone to yell at me because he isn't going to take the extra time to coach a lefty, and I was going to need a lot of extra help because I'm so chubby I have no hustle. That was it, my athletic career over and it translated to me being 2nd to last or last picked for teams in PE and recess... I really got into swinging on the swings and spinning a fucking jump rope, and letting my chubby body whip me around the high bar over and over until I wanted to puke and I wouldn't feel like myself when I stood up. Plus, the cold metal felt so good between my legs.

That is the root of my body embarrassment issues. It is great to know its origin, to see how that grew and manifested along the timeline of my path to understanding who is this divine creature and what have I done now.

DAYLIGHT ALERT

Happy New Year y'all!! I have a spark of creativity that has been surging through me but I have not had the means to release it. I have been really trying to honor my journey and learn from the moments I am given. Lately, it has felt like too much to even put on a cute outfit.  Truth is, I miss my heels and dancing in them! I never thought I would... I mean, come on, they are back breakers and my feet ached every time; but the moment I put them on my feet and stride as Daylight I ignore all that pain because all my soul feels is pure beauty.

I made a promise to myself: I am taking this year off from doing a big show, teaching and working insane hours. Instead, I am focusing on my physical wellness. Many of you already know that I am facing my back issues. I have always been one that powers through and works above my physical means because I am determined to be able to do it all!!! Not to be greedy, but because I have many tastes I wish to satisfy in my life. This year, I am going to taste the beauty of slowing down and mending this sack of flesh I call my temple.

As I say to myself each morning as I'm doing my physical therapy, "I'm turning my breakdown into a break through." So.... As I was walking down the street the other day listening to Madonna's new single live for love (which is my new soul track at the moment) I had a flash! I pulled my head out of my ass and understood a few things! The most important being that in lieu of doing Dragalution this year I can still have a big dance party!! It is the best part of the shows next to seeing everyone all dressed up and expressing their inner drag!!!

So......on January 30 at 9pm at the Astoria Arts and Movement Center I will be hosting DRAG IT OUT!!!! I am too excited!! We will have an incredible night of getting to work it out on the dance floor! There will be jello shooters, a few surprises from the Cums family performance archives and other surprises!!!

Another revelation I had was that I am going to start using my cousin and protege Moonshine Cums for some of my other artistic ventures I am working on. I just know you are going to love her as much as I do!! She is the sweetest! One of the projects to watch out for will be our weekly YouTube episodes. I have told Moonshine that the best way to learn is to teach; so she will be helping me in the kitchen and in the studio when I am unable to be there.

The most important thing I realized was actually an old conversation that was pulled to the surface of my mind. It was from a mentor I had while I was working on my MFA in Dance. We were talking about lovers and he said that being in relationship was something he gave up for the love of his dance. I recognize this trait in myself. I have always kept myself too busy to have time for love. I have had love of my craft, of food, of work, nature, friends but have kept myself too busy for love of a lover. So I step forward on my path this year with an even more open heart and an awareness that maybe all I need is love...

And I KNOW I am loved. I feel that from y'all on the daily. I'm just sayin that I am open to a relationship this year! I got all of that from one little song on a walk.

Here is to us! May we all look around more this year. May we find more calm within our souls and more bravery in our lives. May we continue to dance with our freak flags flying and celebrate the fact that we are here and we do have support from those around us. I've learned all you have to do is to trust and to speak your heart and that listening without judgement is divine. I love you!! I can't wait to share the dance floor with you on the 30th and I can't wait for the next time we see each other eye to eye:)

Yours truly,

Daylight

And here she is, my cousin, Moonshine Cums!!!

Make mine a double

I'm laying in bed, just letting my mind wander through all of the stuff that gets stuck in there. I was just flashing through a lost reel of memories and I just have to share (wink)! I guess it is my friend Tawnya's fault, and I love her for it!! Last week we were talking about her folks and something in our conversation triggered the long lost memories of my 21st year and how fucking rad her mom always was to me at the Red Lion, when we went dancing.

At that moment, all the files returned and I have been going through them. This point in time, my 20's, were rough for me and we live in a rough town and so I have walked away from a lot of moments in my life. Getting these memories back has reminded me that it may have been rough but we had fun and knew how to PARTY!!

The Red Lion was so cool. The walls were all wood, the tables were barrels, there were ropes, dark booths, a low ceiling, a very small dance floor, live cover bands and a lot of spandex!!! Not just on the girls. And spandex on a dude is always a sight to behold; especially since most of them were men enough to never wear underwear!! Yes! The volleyball games were THE best. One guy used to wear his black spandex with a t-shirt that read " if it swells, ride it" and he was George Michael, WHAM, sexy!!! Then there was my buddy that always wore his turquoise spandex! And he would wear them out dancing at the Red Lion!! 

This is reason one I always tried to sit so I could see people leaving the dance floor after a slow dance. Their excitement was always noticeable! One drunken night, the line to the bathroom was too long, so turquoise spandex and I went outside to smoke a cig and pee in the bushes. As we approach the bushes he turns to me, as he is doing what he is saying," The best part about wearing spandex is that I never have to pull my shorts down; I just lift the leg and slide it out the bottom like this and I pee." I'm in heaven. I need a drink!!

Tawnya's mom was a bartender there and she would ALWAYS hook me up with a double and in a tall glass too. I would just slink to the side and she would slide one my way and I would tip her big! It was always a stressful approach to the bar, having to wade between tables of dudes that wanted to kick my ass because of how nasty I would dance with their girlfriends. But the reward was always worth it.

Double vodka cranberry or double kamakazie baby! Those were my drinks. Well, screwdrivers and fuzzy navels too. And gin and tonics; they looked best under black lights. I kind of had to be loaded to calm my nerves and I sweat so fucking much on the dance floor I just never could keep my buzz.

I just loved sitting at those tables and laugh and check out who was with who and smoke cigarettes and dance dance dance. So many great nights in there playing with the people I grew up with, some of us friends, others people you'd know by face and those you wish you never would have met. All of us there for the same reason: to have a fucking  blast and party it out!

Then there was the Shilo Inn, in Seaside. That was always a good time because there were always more cute tourists there. And the dance floor was about 10 inches bigger, had higher ceilings and a brass railing along the dance floor that was perfect for practicing our body ripples and sexy poses. And... You could see the ocean while you danced to the DJ, who always played the hits ( which is generally better than most cover bands).

The line to get into the Shilo was always a rediculous power game for the bouncers and they would always make me wait a bit because I was known as the nasty dancer. I can't help that I liked to dance with their girlfriends, they had all the right moves and were willing to grind with me. But those moments were rare. There was a posse of us that would take to the dance floor and we would dance in a group being inspired and driven by the music and all of the moves being expressed around us and through us. It was always like we were having more than the experience that we were in.

Dance has always done that to me. Most times I am out of my fucking mind and in a different world, and not from the doubles, but from the moment. Dance brings something out that I keep trapped within me, my joy, my essence. Wherever I may be I keep a dance in my stride. I have always searched out the dance party. As I've said to many before," they are usually done at home and by myself or with a few friends." 

Over the years, I've danced more and switched to singles and quit smoking. I've lost some hair, gained a few pounds, learned some amazing dance moves and always have the beat within every breath I take and step I make. 

I think my mind has settled enough, I bid you good night! Love to you all and remember it's always best to DANCE IT OUT!

In other news ....

I have dedicated my life to be the best I can be, given the equipment I have been given. Every since I can remember, all I have wanted to do was make people laugh and help to ease the pain that this life delivers. I have always played the fool and made fun of myself in order to bring laughter to those around me. 

I have pushed myself hard. I have worked the lives of many into this frame of mine, scheduled almost every second of my time to ensure I can be everything I have always wanted to be. We all know I love to be on the stage and to entertain. I live for the sound of 5-6-7-8!!! I crave rehearsing and creating shows, dance, laughter, food and thought. I love the community I am apart of and the crazy we bring forth!!!

Because of my push and drive and stubbornness I have had to face a reality I have been avoiding for some time... I have injured my body in a way that is causing me to leave the stage and cancel Dragalution this year.  I am taking this next year to really focus on finding my strength, ease the pain in my back and legs and discover the means to survive and thrive with my new set of cards I have been dealt.

I am a fighter. I am the warrior queen and my quest is personal this time!! I really want you all to know how much your constant love and support means to me! It is the fuel I pack my soul with as I make my steps forward.

The interesting thing is that it is scary stepping forward not knowing what is ahead and not being able to fully feel through my legs as I take my strides. It's like walking in clouds or through thick fog; I think I know where I am but I never really do know. I'm just trusting as I step on, knowing that something or someone will be there when I fall and help me brush myself off and continue on.

I have no idea how I feel about any of it. I am excited for the adventure and I can not wait to be shown the hidden mysteries to who I am and how creative I can be at this game called life!!!

I love you all!!! 

An ode to farts

I grew up attending Sanit Mary's Star of the Sea School, in Astoria, Oregon. It really was an incredible growing experience in so many ways. I attended mass every day, loved recess, the kitchen ladies, the nervous feeling I got each and every time I walked into the buildings, especially the church; more specifically being in the side room or on the altar.  I ALWAYS worked at being a perfect loving example of God's love, yet I was always sweating, waiting for a statue or painting to speak to me and tell me I was GOING TO HELL. I have a flair for the dramatic, especially I my mind.  I just knew God was going to tell me how bad I was, and so, I would distract by being silly and causing trouble; which is exactly what I shouldn't have been doing in the first place.

In my family, we prayed a lot and we had a lot of gas. We had a living room rule that we were to go to the door and fart into the dining room, so as not to choke out the family while watching TV. We usually made a production of it, cribbing the door frame and forcing one out with a nice long rip. Always so satisfying!! Almost as good as those loud farts that wake you from your sleep (wink).

I also used my gas as a weapon. My standard operating procedure for winning a fight was to pin my opponent down, namely one of my siblings, by placing my knees along their rib cage, with my large ass in my cordory rubbed bare at the thigh navy blue uniform right on their faces; arms on their legs so they couldn't kick up and I would force one out! They were best when I was on my dairy kick and I had real warm smelly farts that would make the paint weep.

One of my all time favorite moments was my 7th grade year. I had Sister Catherine, the year before she became a Mother, we were gathered in the corner west facing classroom on the top floor... Incredible view! We were listening to Bill Cosby tell the story of Noah. We were all squeezed so tight around the record player, just laughing so much at how awesome his telling of the story was. He made it very enjoyable. I was kneeling on my chair, like a good praying boy, but my elbows were on my desk so my ass was up in the air, poised for a great sound off. We had had chili that day at lunch and I had felt a gas bubble building and I really wanted to go to the hall and fart in my locker, but the story was TOO funny to leave so I kept holding my little rosebud tighter and tighter.... My laughing and nervousness about having to fart was making my cheeks all red, my feathered-parted-down-the-middle hair stick to my face, my bucked tooth cackle quiver and my rosebud weaken.... Out of the depths of my ass came THE LOUDEST AND LONGEST FART I HAD EVER HEARD!!!! It seriously went on and on and my laughing made it worse and caused me to snap a few more out. Everyone was in laughter! Well, not Sister Catherine. She lifts the needle off of the record, grabs me by my ear (I'm not joking) and yanked me into the hall. While out there she leaned into me, her breath smelling stale and like face powder, her faint mustache quivering above her angry tight lips as she told me how sinful I had been to fart like that in public. She reminded me that I am a terrible young man and that I always fail at being a positive role model. I'd heard it all before, since kindergarten really. My punishment was that I had to move my desk to be right next to hers in class and I had to sit on the floor next to her log when we were on the carpet for other studies and singing practice. I was by her side for weeks. It began to feel so natural being at her side, observing the class from that point of view. I kind of liked it.

Anyway(ssssss), one day, while we were sitting on the carpet practicing 'Prepare Ye the Way' for mass; I'm seated at Sister Catherine's left, couldn't be her right because that is reserved for God, and out of the corner of my eye I notice her oh so gingerly lift her left cheek off of her stump and she let out a silent but deadly one on me!!!! I looked at my friend, Kim, sitting to my left to see if she caught what had just happened and there was no avoiding it because you could smell it! I giggled, made a little scene and she blamed it on me! Sent me to the hall! That was that, all farts would always be blamed on me since I had so publicly displayed my skills.

It got me nervous. I didn't want to be known as the farter, chub rub Davis was bad enough ( it's because my big chubby thighs rubbed together and made a great sound with the cords I wore for my uniform.) I asked one of the girls in my neighborhood how she controlled her farts. She told me that her mom made her wear a cork up her butt to hold them in. I just knew a fart could never hold mine in! I had force, just ask anyone.

A few years later, the year in 1987, I'm in my first yoga class at good ol CCC, Harvard on the Hill; we are doing cat/cow and an older lady next to me totally farts, ripping nice and loud in the gym. I started giggling so bad I had to leave the room. Namaste. 

As a gay man, I can't keep my hole tight enough to keep those farts away from potential dates. I will never forget the morning after my first time of being with a man.... I was sitting on the futon visiting with two of my girlfriends, smoking cigarettes and laughing at how fun the party had been and they wanted details because I had had my tongue down some guys throat all night. We were all laughter and good times and my laughter couldn't keep my sore hole closed and out came the loudest and wettest ky fart EVER. I was so humiliated, and yet, it is one of my favorite stories to tell. It is a great ice breaker... Which always leads to deal breaker. No wonder I can't get a date!

From that moment on, I lived in fear of my farts. Sleeping over with a fella was never relaxing, can't relax I may fart. It's my special spot, nothing nasty can come out of it! I'm perfect! NOT! During the night I would just edge my ass off the side and lift the covers to prevent a Dutch oven effect and pray for it to be silent on the way out.

Silly really. We all fart. I always found such pleasure in them . I still do while I'm driving or in bed or in the shower. I have a circle of friends that I am comfortable farting around. I don't use it as a weapon any more. However, in 1997, I took over my dad's former job at Star, although I could never replace Mister D, I went as Mister Marco, and he told me one of his favorite things to do was to walk through groups of kids gathered in the halls and leave a silent one and watch them fight over who just farted. I learned from the best.

It may be considered a filthy thing, but farting has always been something that makes me happy. I don't think it is a sin. I don't think it should make me undatable. In 2006, I choreographed an entire dance based on farting and the actions and reactions farting may cause. I do not sniff my own farts or think I'm smug from the act of farting. I just think it is natural, I'm going to own it when I drop it and I will, probably, always giggle on the inside when it does happen. I'm for sure not going to hell for farting!