It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that bling

I have always been one that loves to accessorize, and I don't mean just outfits(wink). I have always had this drive to hear the language of the world around me and do as it commands. Sometimes, it may be leaving scattered flowers along a path leading the way to a glorious magical moment. Maybe it is wearing my gold Isis wings on the beach or while roller skating along the water front. Why? You may wonder....because it feels fucking great!!

The first time I really took a brave step out and start to express my love for color and texture in an outfit, was my 8th grade graduation outfit. I worked gardening for store credit trade at Steven's Fine Men's Clothing, when it was still in Warrenton. My outfit was a fuchsia Polo shirt with a turquoise horse that was accompanied by a cashmere sweater of the same turquoise with the fuchsia horse (my aunt still has it, I pet it when I can...so soft now). My hair was feathered perfectly! My grandma had taken me down to Stylemasters, I always liked going there because the girls always told me how beautiful my hair was... Miss those days. We would also go to the Brass Rail for salads with blue cheese dressing, so good and house made croutons from rye bread! Anyway(sssss), that was my first big jump out from the gray, brown and navy blue life I had been in for those 9 years at Star. I remember being at my 20 year class reunion and someone had brought the photo and I just lost it! Sitting around the table, all us Star kids, gabbing like we were back in the cafeteria and the stories that came up, oh my!!! And then someone chimed in,"and there is Mark, always pushing the buttons and rules! I looked so pleased with myself.

You may be wondering what is this 'Mark' shit? Mark was my past, he was the perfect good boy, that really wasn't. He was the one who hid in the closet out of fear. Mark was damaged. His system was greatly flawed and so he was put away in a tidy box and walked away from. Marco is who I am. I had to claim myself from the wreckage of my life post rape, post attacks and post fear of everything. I couldn't be afraid anymore, I couldn't let it look over me and always threatening to strike. I decided to stand firm, turn around and great my fears and get to know them. I have many. My main issue was that I couldn't be alone. Couldn't walk places by myself, couldn't go to the store alone, I was crippled with fear and worked extra hard to not let anyone know I was freaking out because I didn't want anyone to know I was damaged goods.

Marco has been my greatest accessory!! He has made my every outfit pop! He has pushed me to grow further than Mark ever thought he could. Those two years in NYC taught me so much. The best lesson was learning to be alone. Sure, I was surrounded by people always, but you have to learn to take care of yourself and that that required finding a voice. I know I'm loud, but I'd scream words, I wanted to find my voice and to do that I had to speak up and own my words and more importantly my actions.

Over the years, I've tried just about everything on. I love the bling and the eye catching outfit! And I've tried them all. When I returned from NYC in 1996, I got another incredible accessory, her name was Stella and she was my mannequin! I really loved her so much! I was living across the street from Star of the Sea, in the 'Brady' apartment building. My apartment faced the school on 14th and it got to where I changed her outfits weekly! I would always debut them on Sunday mornings after the 8:30 mass. There I go pushing those boundaries again. I would love to sit off to the side, hidden, and take in the reactions!! The best we're always the cars backing back up the hill to get a second look. She was really something! She was also well know around

town. People would always ask after her. Then, people started leaving me outfits for her! I am serious. I ended up moving into a two bedroom so that I could make room for all of her stuff. It was my first drag lab! You do know I wore all those things myself, right!!

She helped me to start unlocking that feminine aspect of my being. 

And now, I have me, Daylight. I have stepped in it fully and have been swishing around for years. Each step I understand more. I love the getting dressed up, becoming complete. I feel so alive when I get to walk out the front door and out to someplace to be with my friends. As a queen, walking down the street to the bar to meet my friends..fear a distant life,still an echo, keeping me alert, like watching for elk.

What I have been discovering, the gout has really been assisting, is that my bling is my heart. It is my big red ruby. It has shown me that I require nothing. I don't even cringe when I'm called Mark anymore. I love how strong and brave he was and how he pushed me to be me! 

I am my greatest bling! I think that is why I always feel so comfortable in all the multiple types of outfits I choose to wear. The are all extensions of who I am and I got to express it. We all do. We owe it to ourselves to let our bling shine! That is what DRAGALUTION is all about. We may start feeling like we are 'dressing' up but after awhile you realize that what your are really doing is speaking your language with all of the textures, colors, patterns and sounds of your outfits. It becomes your voice, a means to communicate without words. Art.

I see you. I love watching you own yourself and making eye contact on the street. I love it when we have a moment of song, a hug, a big laugh, our hearts melting a little bit with each exhale. Let's make this our season of bling and shine bright for ourselves and one another.

If I should die before I wake, or another curious adventure of chub rub Davis

These past few weeks I have gotten to spend a lot of time with my siblings. It has been incredible. Oh, the stories that we talk about! Or, they ask me to tell them the story because I am the one with the memory and never forgets anything....it is a blessing and a curse. Now, my mother has always liked me to keep my big mouth shut because I have a tendency to just talk talk talk and say what is on my mind and not use a filter. It is a gift....that my mother would like to return (wink).

Anyway(ssss), I have always been a firm believer in talking. I think it is important to share our stories, good and bad, and understand one another a bit more than just surface chatter. I consider myself very lucky because I am surrounded by a community of friends that talk about just about anything. We laugh, we eeew, we cry and try to understand and judgement stays out of the room.

Many stories have been jumping up in my mind and one in particular is just begging to be told. This is one of those stories I really shouldn't tell because it is just too embarrassing but it has taught me so much. I believe it is the beginning of my path of shame that I wandered down for far too long. Ok. I'm gonna do this. It is much better than the shrimp story...

"If I should die before I wake I want you to know I've always been a slut. I guess that is a strong word. I have been sexually curious and explorative since about the age of 11.

It all started with a friend in the neighborhood. We were naturally thrust together because we were the chubby kids in the hood. But we did far more than eat together.. These stories have been bubbling up to the surface for years. I had a few I always remembered; like the time we were laying out in his backyard.

I was wearing my short shorts (blue with yellow trim, my gym shorts from Star of the Sea) and I had a boner and I was making it pulse for, we will call him Jimmy, and he thought it was so funny that he called his mom, who was gardening near by, over to see my neat trick.

In my mind, I knew it was a sin, yet, I maintained the essence of innocence as she came over to see my neat trick. I pulsed it for her, grinning through my bucked tooth shyness, my feathered hair being hit by the sun giving me a halo effect, which did not work. She said that it was not a trick I should be sharing and that we should go play.

We were always exploring/role playing.. One of our games  was for Jimmy to be waiting in the chicken coop in his deep backyard, and I would come over and pretend to be 'Tina' the neighbor girl coming over for a visit and we would make out and touch each other...with our eyes closed because then it wouldn't count. Yeah right. These scenarios varied from day to day but we made out and touched each other often.

We would also go into my hidden back closet with a flashlight and magnifying glass and examine our crotches for incoming pubic hairs because I had noticed a few of the boys in the locker room getting tufts of dark hair there and under their arms. I really wanted mine to grow in so I could be a sexy man like Bo or Luke Duke from the Duks of Hazzard. Or maybe like the sexy guys I would see in the YMCA locker room. I have always hated that my back and front chub never allowed my butt dimples or front v to ever show. I wanted them so bad.

I think the biggest blow in jimmy and my relationship came after I had moved from my one room with the hidden back closet and I moved into the North bedroom it was much larger. I was able do do my shell collection justice and spread it out. The closet, however, was a small project I had taken on and dad helped me build a cedar tongue and groove closet with one shelf. The problem was it was only 18-24 inches deep. Not really the space we were used to.

I built an extension tent to the closet. I used fancy sheets and fabric and poles and string to create a mystical tropical place where it was always warm and required us removing our clothing.

On one of our exploration sessions, Jimmy said he wanted to hump me. I asked him what he meant ( I was being schooled by nuns and told that just touching myself was a sin) and he said it means that I lay on my stomach and he would lay on top of me and rub his dick between my butt cheeks until he peed. And that is what we did.

I guess we were loud and as he was peeing between my butt cheeks, my dad drew back the flap of the tent and saw us both naked with Jimmy peeing between my cheeks. He said we needed to go outside and play. To this day, my dad has never mentioned the incident.

I never got punished. I don't know what was, if anything was, said to Jimmy's parents. I remember them moving soon after and I have never spoken to Jimmy again.

I think of him often. I wonder how he looks back on our time together. Or does he? It is strange I have felt ashamed for our relationship and my sexual orientation for years. I've felt dirty and perverted but never bad about it. We were innocent in so many ways. We were developing and exploring during a time when people just didn't talk about sex with their kids. All I knew was that everything I liked and desired I was going to burn in hell for all eternity. So, I kept my dirty perversions to myself and presented the world with a sweet perfect boy. But that isn't what the people saw. They all saw through me, years before I ever could and I can not for the life of me figure out why... Why I didn't, why I couldn't see. Blinded by my shame I was trapped in a shell of a body that was not me."

Some say 'Battle' I say 'life'

Hey there!!! I am getting excited about this season!!! So many wonderful things are on the horizon. I can not even begin to tell you how incredible it has been to be back in rehearsal with my Cums family!!!

This has been the true test for me, taking it easy and not pushing like I like to do (wink). I have been cautious and almost timid in my approach to my pelvic thrusts and step ball changes. I am speaking choreography people, not bedroom; although that does cum up later;)

Anyway(sss), last weekend was the Shorty Shorts Queer Film Festival that we hosted at the Columbian Theater. I was really excited because Shitney Houston was in town and I've been wishing that for a long time. I wanted to be my most fabulous!! I was brave and wore an outfit I've never worn; Becky actually cut like 8 inches off maybe 10 minutes before Tim and I walked out the door. It was just too long, you know me... Barely covering the ass is how I like it! I also wore my new wig (compliments of Nicholas) and I wanted to wear me heels... They had been calling to me for weeks and they were being given a chance to come out for the night. I was really only going to be sitting in them and standing for photos;)

Well! Let me tell you!! Putting those babies on was like triggering a memory switch and all of my rotators and adductors remembered what it felt like to work and work it we did! I seriously hadn't felt this physically on my feet for months!

Made it through the night, got all cleaned up and I was sliding into bed and I knelt in to give Tim a kiss and my knee popped in the way I have been craving for since Christmas!! I woke on Sunday feeling the best I have in 2 years!!

I'm keeping myself in check. I'm pausing, not pushing. Ready to run, but stopping to smell the roses instead. 

This morning, I went to town with Becky and I put up posters around town for Daylight's Dance Explosion, and had the most wonderful conversations with the people I get to share my life with!! The support in this community is incredible.

One of my conversations was about the battle we must endure in life. I have to always remind myself that we all have our things, the challenges that have made us the people we are. What I appreciate are the ones that are willing to share their stories to help others along our way. Finding understanding through hearing other people's stories is a connection I always value. One of the biggest, I'll call it a mantra because I do use it to ground myself, lessons I've learned is: we can encourage but never enforce. I remind myself this daily. I can only encourage, never enforce. I learned that one in therapy years ago. 

Talk therapy is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. It should be a part of our self care pampering. For example, this year I released a wall I had had up for 30 years and I thought I had dropped that shit years ago. Nope, it was there, shielding my heart and keeping me distant. What the hell?! I was walking in battle and didn't even realize I was moving in attack mode. It's like that moment in the day when the shoulders release and you weren't even aware that they were being held.

Some days my nerves get the better of me...I have to check myself, emotionally/soulfully, before I head out into the world. Do I have the means to be myself today? Can I do this? Sometimes, I have to change my outfit, or forget the hat. Do I really 'need' the gold glitter eyeliner? (I do, of course, but I'd rather not have the gawkments).

I most always win, but I have developed a knack for feeling the vibe before I head out. It's just like how friends know when they need to walk with me home. You can just feel it in the air. I can't tell you how many times Sari has jumped over a booth to protect me!!! It is why I don't go into certain places in town. I kind of believe that once I get my life threatened in a place, I don't really need to go back.  Astoria has changed so much in my life time here, it is so much easier to be openly gay than it was before I came out and was coming out in the late 80's/early 90's. But there are still days where the vibe I pick up on is one of homophobia. I still get called fag quite a bit by passing rigs, and I can tell when someone doesn't want to help me when I walk into some shops. 

We all have our ways we find security in being in public. Handheld devices have made it so easy to be out and not have to even need to acknowledge anyone or anything.  For myself, I've got my strut playlist which I play to keep my feet moving when they want to stop. I take the headphones out downtown, unless I'm in a hurry, because I really enjoy smiling and saying hi to my friends and visitors when I pass them on the street. It is one of the things I really love about Astoria, it's ok to smile at people on the street. 

I've noticed that since I've let go of that wall I was holding up and didn't even know it, that I am able to see more into how I step in the world. I really do enjoy a good flutter, I like to dart and glide, soar, skip and dance on the wind. I like to feel my connection to the earth and when I exhale I do picture light bursting throughout every pore of my being expanding my capacity to be.

This IS going to be a great summer!!! I can just feel it so deep within me!!! And....August 7...DRAGALUTION WILL RETURN TO OUR HOME STAGE AT THE COLUMBIAN for a fabulous Regatta weekend show!!! I know!!! I can not wait! And we will be in the parade again and I hope you will consider walking, riding, dancing and joining us:) it really is the best time!

I guess what I'm really getting at is it is really incredible to live in a town where people look out for one another so that we can work at being ourselves. I want you to know I always have your back. I will always step up for you and if you need someone to chime in for you.. I can get LOUD, REAL LOUD.  Now is the time we need to use our voices and continue to grow and bring the change that we keep help fostering to grow! We are all worth it! 

That's entertainment

I have always loved to entertain!! In our neighborhood, up on 3rd, all of us kids were always up to fun times. One of my first entertaining attempts happened in our backyard, on the basketball court my dad had poured for Steven and Lisa to practice their hoops. For me, it was my stage!! And, tanning spot because it got so damn hot, and I practiced my skate moves.

Which leads me to my first 'show', a roller skating presentation of some ABBA songs. We had practiced our moves and invited the neighborhood to come and join in the show.  What I recall is people gathered on the sunny hill, I'm

sure I served lemonade and sun tea, have always been able to count on me to be a proper hostess. Seriously, at 11 years old, I had my own tea service cart in my room with old crystal decanters that I would fill with soda, tang and ice and serve my friends when they came over to listen to the ABBA 8 track and we would have a proper happy hour.

Anyway(ssss), back to the roller skating show.. We were awesome! What I loved most was looking out and seeing the joy and brightness on the faces gathered there. Those expressions and the way it made me feel inside was the beginning of my quest to entertain and spread joy. 

That summer, I enrolled in a clown class up at Clatsop Community College. I was hoping for more material, inspiration. What I learned was to take what I had inside of me, make it bigger than myself and to express it without apology.

It felt incredible! I was the only kid in the class, typical for me. Being the shy boy I was, it was a incredible challenge for me it it gave me the skills to carry on.

How was I to know those skills would help me throughout my journey.

Especially in high school. I may have been pushed, shoved, spit on, beat up and verbally attacked; but they only got bright smiles from me and I always landed on my feet with pizzazz.

Since I was Catholic, in high school I had to go to these classes, CCD, to continue my path to confirmation. I used it also as a tool to hold dances in the auditorium at Star of the Sea. Creating the perfect playlist became a passion of mine. I remember sitting for hours with my tape recorder ready to capture a dance remix from the radio. Listening for those songs that grab my soul and lift me up.

Creating the mix for dances with the right amount of slow songs, placed just so was such a fun challenge. My neighbor, Heidi, and I loved to craft these things.

In those days, I'd grab the speakers and equipment from all the great rummage sale merchandise dad would have storing up for the big June sale in the gym.

We would make decorations and snacks and punch and hope for a big turnout. I knew the reality, we were the Catholic kids having a dance at the grade school, it would most likely be us and a few others. I never cared, as long as the music was good and I could dance without being bullied I was golden!!

As I grew up, the parties evolved. I would throw themed dinner parties, cocktail parties, Halloween parties and impromptu dance parties wherever I could!!!

There is no greater medicine than dancing it out!! Sometimes we feel it and other times the feeling is trapped beneath the issues in our lives and the dance wants out, but we have forgotten how to release our joy.

I moved back to Astoria for two reasons: first, because I feel most alive in this incredible place and second, to share the joy and bliss of dance and unlocking our souls that have been conditioned to be in lockdown so as not to be judged.

DRAGALUTION is my medicine. These parties are what I love to share, because the bubbling up that happens when we all gather and allow ourselves to be larger than we are and dress up our inner whatever we wish to express and we come together to dance, and laugh and shine and grow. This is the magic of our lives. This is the magic of Astoria!! 

We have the opportunity each and everyday to step out and shine for ourselves and one another. Some days are tougher than others; let's face it, even the sun sets and gets tucked behind clouds and fog; but it shines within.

In all honesty, our last party in January, I was trapped behind a thick fog bank, but the show still went on. That's entertainment!! It was a true test for me, having to perform injured and depressed, but it taught me to find a new way to access my bliss, my dance and my benediction. And I was able to shine in a different way for you. What got me through was seeing your bright and glorious faces surrounding me and filling me with joy and laughter!!!

That said, we have DAYLIGHT'S DANCE EXPLOSION WITH DJ GRAY MATTER on May 2 at the AAMC!!!!!!!

This is going to be an incredible party!!! We have new numbers to dance for you!! Music to move our bodies and souls with!!! Great drinks! And, most importantly, an opportunity for us all to let our freak flags fly and dance it out bitches!!!!!!

And.... I am extra excited because my brother, Ken, who has yet to experience one of our parties is coming!!!!! 

I can't wait to shine with tall!!! You are the reason these parties happen!

As always, if you see me on the street, say hi!!! 

All my love,

Daylight

The Spring Within

I have been having the best time working in the backyard! It feels so good to work with the soil, see what is coming up, what hasn't survived, and what is to come. I have my garden protocol: 1. I stop and just take it all in, just open my gaze and try to absorb it all. 2. I start pulling up the horse tails from the lava rock, hawk altar, Lovey drinking bath (a site to behold!! I'm giggling just typing this. She has to almost stand on her front tippy toes and stretch her neck to get the right angle to tap that tongue in that nice rain water..adorns). 

I'm one that actually loves the look of horse tails. I find the way they dance with the wind so beautiful and soothing. So, I just pull the bulk of them out and leave sweet little stands of them throughout the waterfall of ivy that slowly falls towards the house. Natural selection by my hand. Sometimes, it makes me feel weird, like I'm doing a really bad thing saying that this one can stay but that one has to go. 

And, why am I trained to see that weed or the other two or three native weed/plants as something I should not allow to be growing in my yard, where it is clearly doing so well?

3.After I finish with the horse tails, I wander across the stage to the arugula garden and marvel at the clump of forget me nots taking over. I give them leave until the bloom, then I'll thin them out.  The azalea grabs my attention with its browning and sticky blossoms begging me to free them from their slow embarrassing drop to the ground. As quickly as I can I am 'dead heading' them as my old boss Mister Speake used to tell me. I hear him a lot when I'm in the garden. It brings me comfort.

4.I'm finally growing some sweet peas this year!! They are my favorite...sigh. Time to plant. I have some starts and some seeds. Working my hands in the soil is my meditation. Feeling the richness, and in other spots the clay and rocks. All of it there and fostering growth of all things. Mother Earth does not discriminate about who can grow where. If you can make it up and out, do it!!

5. I recognize myself as the seed I've placed in the soil, it is up to the seed to make the push to the surface. Sometimes we feel like it is too much. It is hard work growing and pushing past the earth above us. Maybe we get stuck, or we have to grow up and around another root and we break the surface but don't look as good as we should. Will we make the 'you can stay' list? 

We are all worthy of growth. We are worth taking that chance and pushing up and out and fluttering and

growing in the light of the sun and the kiss of the breeze...dear God, I just heard Karen Carprnter singing in the back of my mind. I love being me!! And by me I mean gay, because honey, I just have the best time (wink). Even when I am scared to walk out, I walk out tall and proud and when I feel the pressure of the words that get uttered, I just breathe into my feet and reach for the earth as I remember that I am still growing and I can push up and out and over this too. Ain't life grand!

As always, if we pass on the street, or anywhere, know that I see you and I love you and the beauty you bring to this glorious town we live in.

The Path of the Fool, or The Art of Letting Go and Trusting

In Tarot, I always appreciate when the fool card appears. It reminds me to always trust, to never give up and to continue down the path no matter how unfamiliar, dangerous and scary it may be.

These past few months have pushed me along the edge of my path in ways I never imagined I could survive.  I have been balancing on the edge not knowing how to move forward. At that moment, I had to face myself and recognize that I must continue in ways unfamiliar to me. I had to let go of everything that I've held onto and trust that I would not fall. My masks were removed, my clothing left on the rubble behind me. Naked, I scaled along the edge of my existence holding on for relief and the hope that I would be on solid ground again.

What I discovered was that I felt totally equipped to go on. I was not sure as to who I was in the moment, because nothing about me felt familiar; yet, I knew I was more myself than ever before.

And then I looked up, a man was standing before me, his arm extended to take my hand. Working at not covering myself, I accept and allow him to guide me across this nasty ridge.

He was comfortable from the moment our hands touched. I didn't know what was more frightening, hanging on for dear life or finding comfort in his gaze.

For those of you that know me, I'm called 'the monk' for a reason... I fly solo. Meeting this man has changed my perspective. I want to understand this me I'm becoming. This new fool, willing to trust and fall into another's arms. 

It brings me back to 2002, Winter term at the University of Oregon, needing to take a dance improvisation class; I decided on contact improvisation. The name alone scared me....contact. What?? What I discovered was that my body and soul had been starved of contact for years. To give into the trust and allow another person, often a stranger, to roll and support, lift and carry me through space and time was a sensation I didn't even realize I was missing in my life. 

The extra bounce in my step and sparkle on the air around me is due to finding that quality with the new man in my life, Tim. He has brought me to my breath, my heart beat and my desire to understand and discover more. His presence in my life has brought me to the edge and I see sky expanding beyond my understanding and I know I am to trust, to let go and to soar with him. Along the current of the wind we are carried and the air is sweet and warm and he is flying by my side taking it all in with me as we expand into the unknown; knowing that this is exactly where we need to be.

My past is no more. My skin has been shed and I am alive in this new body. I know not where we may touch down, I'm comfortable in the flight and also know that I am more grounded than I can ever recall. As the Warrior Queen, I am blessed to have found a warrior to carve out this path with. As frightening as it is to open up and share my vulnerability, I am grateful to be given the opportunity to be able to do so in this life time and especially with a man that sees me in the fullness of my being, flaws and all; and he is willing to share his vulnerability with means I find that priceless beyond measure.

To the journey my loves! May we all continue to grow and shine in the beauty and knowledge of who we are and how lucky we all are to have one another.

All my love,

Daylight

A wig picking good time

Hey hey!! I've been thinking of y'all quite a bit!! This weather has just made me want to be out there in my skates working the waterfront (wet sigh)!! Stopping and chatting with you, sharing a hug, some laughs, some dirty talk and you know how we do....

Anyways(sssss), snap. We have an exciting season ahead of us! I am so stoked, like I can hardly contain myself!!! Yesterday, I confirmed with our friend, DJ Gray Matter, and he is going to come on out to Astoria and throw a big ol dance party with me!!!! Right!!!! I know, he is the cutest:) did you know that it was me flirting with him across the counter at the cafe about 5 or 6 years ago ( I could roll my eyes back and recall the exact date, but I'll spare you all the details). Our flirt, well me flirting him humoring me, led to his first gig in Astoria in the Voodoo room and we blew the town up that night!! And we have continued our love affair with DJGM ever since; haven't we Astoria?!

We are calling it: Daylight's Dance Explosion with DJ Gray Matter!! It will be on May 2 at the AAMC. Details to cum soon:) I can tell you that there will be some new performance numbers!! Some new solos! A goddess ascending, a big finish, jello shooters and lots of fun sexy dancing!!!!

I can't wait to be dancing with y'all! The way we can raise the roof together is my faith! It is what brings joy to my heart and breath to my spirit. The way we can open ourselves up and step out and celebrate how individual, crazy, daring, brave, sexy and creative we all are gives me goose bumps every time. I love that we are willing to take chances and step out. I love looking out and seeing you glow and vibrate with light and glory.

As I was sitting here, picking out a wig, laughing at the unbreakable Kimmy Schmitz with my little brother, Steven, and Becky, I was just filled with so much joy for knowing you and getting to share in this wonderful ride we are on!!

This is our season of the Goddess Daylight. May we be surrounded by warm sunlight, soft grass, rolling rivers and waves, lush forests, laughter, celebration and the smell of love heavy in the air. May we all have a moment where the mind stops and everything floats in harmony and we can we are exactly where we need to be and it is fine to slow down and enjoy a moment of conversation, silence, a look at the river, in someone's eyes; at the sky.

In my blossoming, I am going to challenge myself to send cards more (if you want me to write you get me your address), have more laughter and conversations with friends, swing at shively park, get a new Bocce ball set and most importantly keep opening my heart as my journey unfolds. 

Showering you in kisses,

Daylight

I didn't EVEN get lei'd or how I missed my trip to Hawaii also known as turning in to myself

I am one that loves a good, as I like to call 'holiday' ( makes me feel more worldly (wink) or special), or vacation. My sister and her husband bought me a ticket to Hawaii and we have been planning for months. I had narrowed it down to 5 bikini, 3 of my own (including my hot pink one just in case) and 2 borrowed from my girl Teri Yukki (thanks babe!). I had been working on getting some muscle tone and strength back in my body since I had been down for several months; granted those months did have about 5-10 days of not being down and we all know I "performed" for my party. 

It didn't feel like a performance to me, I felt like I was robbing myself, drag family and y'all of the standards of excitement and fun that DRAGALUTION generally provides. I just wasn't about to not do something, we had to have a party right?! And we did! It was such a fun night!!! The thing about it was, and I know I've talked about this with some, I just was not present. I was there, but I didn't feel myself, I put on my best face but felt like everyone could see the reality of the fractured queen behind the mask.

Anyway(ssss), I continued to feel better after the show and got to work on getting ready for this trip and some inspirations for a new artistic show/project!!! I just can't help myself, I get so in my head day in and day out of just laying on the floor, couch or in bed and I create. I have movement visualizations that make me crave to have rehearsals and transplant those visualizations into bodies and space. So, I put a short walking playlist together and started walking it out for a few days; it was feeling g-o-o-d!! The walking turned to swishing and soon I had a few days of actual strong strut and that made me feel like I was out of the woods and walking in the warm sunlight again.

So what do I do? I do the one thing I always do because I love to push myself, I fucking start pushing myself. I up my ballet barre, do more leg lifts oh I know I can just push the flexibility back into my body; I can make that left knee submit and be free again. I never, ever, fucking learn. Add some extra drinks and French fries and maybe one really great eat out meal, at a raw food restaurant, and what do you know, but my left knee begins to react. It starts getting tighter, so I 'back off' of my workout routine and ease my pace back to a walk.

My sister kept wanting to know when I was going to arrive at her place. I finally told her that I'm holding out as long as possible because I was having some knee issues and wanted to give it time to chill. Not an easy thing to say to her, especially since we have been breathing for the moment of getting to swim in the ocean together and have some yummy drinks and food. I kept hoping my knee was just irritated because of the extra work I had been putting it through; I knew, at the core of my being, that it was the gout, and I was sweating balls!" How can this be happening to mmmmmeeeeee," I screamed inside my vast pit of a mind. All the while understanding that I had done this to myself.....again. 

By last Monday evening, I had to take to bed, my knee was huge and just burning and I couldn't take it. Tuesday, I made 4 calls: 2 to clients to reschedule, one to my doctor and one to my sister.  I kind of broke my sisters heart. I had no choice, I did the only thing I could do, I told her I could not go. "What about first class, pain pills and a wheel chair?" She asks.. Just the sound of the sentence was enough for me... No fucking way!

First of all, I can't fucking get out of bed to walk, I'm having cold sweats, completely uncomfortable, pissing into jars because I can't get to the bathroom and the thought of my sister and her husband pushing me around in the sand so I could lay and watch the fun times around my was my own personal circle in Dante's Inferno. Seriously, that will be my hell!

So in lieu of my trip to Hawaii, I've spent the week in bed and on the couch and floor, staring at the beauty of this glorious early spring from the various windows providing me my glimpses of life sprouting all around me.

I can't be upset about it. It is what it is and this is where I am and I'm sifting through the sheets and pillows for the lesson as I shift every other five minutes because I can never find comfort.

It is more than I thought it would be, this shift of focus on my life. I totally get it, I am present in this condition. The thing is, I am not myself any more. I had to drop her off at the nearest taco bar and baby step on. I am completely unfamiliar as to who this is within my body and soul. My pushing, has pushed me out of the comfort of the body I was growing to love and has placed me here, lost, numb and confused as I push myself across the floor and grab on to things for dear life because it feels like if I fall I will shatter into that ball of glitter and rainbows I'm not ready for. 

The journey is all mine, how I choose to continue is up to me. Part of me pictures being carried by four glorious men on my bed of pillows, satin, chiffon and fur; but how would I pay them? Being the science nerd I really am, I am going to get to the root of this mystery and find the resonating harmony that I know is within this new body of mine. I may even get a kick ass cane with a big ol' jewel or tiger's eye on top for days that I need a bit of support (non-human support that is). This is the battle. This is my quest. How will my footprint, in this new body of mine, look as I leave my trail behind me always stepping on, always searching for more understanding and patience for the Warrior Queen I am destined to be. There is no sadness in my being. I sit. I listen. I breathe. I move as I may. I am. 

And the quest begins

They say the journey begins with a single step. Being the Warrior Queen, I find it fitting that my quest began with a single step into my new bikini... I just about dropped the phone when I saw what has happened to my body since it hasn't been able to be used for the last few months. My mind went instantly to the old me and my HORROR of the softening of my 74,000 dollar body (my student loan total from my MFA in Dance, and massage school with that fun little thing called interest)!!!! I was ready to grab my running shoes, my tap shoes, the jump rope, my HEELS; anything to help lift my ass back up and remove the cottage cheese dripping from the seam of my bikini down my legs. 

Then I remembered, I'm not that person anymore. At least I don't want to be. It actually hit me after I sent out a few texts to some friends attaching the HORRO PHOTO

and the question if I was too gay fat? Some days it really amazes me at how quickly all the oxygen can leave my brain and I type, think and say the most stupid things. Honestly, who does this bitch think she is?? Palease!!!!

It was at that moment I remembered I have altered my perspective on the situation I call and view as my life. It was then I recalled my own pep talk about loving myself and where I am at on my journey and to be more forgiving to myself. I have been known to be quite the drill seargent (wish I could wink bit it is the truth) ( soft knowing smile).

At this point in my discovery, I came to understand that it was time for me to depart on my quest and put understanding, growth and change in my bags and head out to discover the truth and honesty of this Warrior Queen.

I stood in the warmth of this knowledge as my body absorbed it, filling my senses to a state of overflowing beauty. The sun was falling across my body and I stood and looked and observed without judgement; I understood the reality of the battle I had just survived and saw not a diminished body, but one ready for this quest. The time for healing was transitioning to a time of strengthening and movement and the road ahead looking more comfortable than I had been picturing.

My journey began, I was moving; not pushing but being present in the moment of the spirals in my body. Sensing where it is I am in space and time. I noticed how I favored my weight to the right and I hesitated giving my left my full weight and motion. 

I stopped and felt the wind on my body as I drew the sweet air into my lungs, taking care to feel my feet upon the earth. My breath helping my feet to reach out and feel the support of the ground beneath me. The currents began running through me. Range of motion returning to me left side.

As I journeyed on, stepping through the forest, I felt how weak my legs were, stepping over logs was a struggle, the control not so good. I stopped at the edge of a beautiful field, the sun to my back and found it to be a most glorious spot to stop for a rest. I stretched out upon the warm grass and moss and began breathing deeply, feeling my body merge with the earth, completely supported and comforted. The sun felt so incredible on my body.

My meditation took me deep. I felt the connection to my animal spirit. Hawk was circling above protecting me. Next thing I knew, as I was exhaling deeply into the ground and sky, I felt the ripple of Hawk within me. First settling in at my scapula and spanning out down my arms and out my finger tips. I felt the motion of flight within me and it was incredible!!!!! 

I tried not to hold on to the moment, I wanted to be the moment. My wings spread wide again as I soared across the field and took to branch looking down at the human figure below me. The light eminating from it golden and bright. The body rippling the space around it as it became soil, grass, moss, tree, worm, air, hawk. 

This quest will, clearly, transform in ways I had never thought possible. And who am I to judge? I will continue with this openness and Hawk about me. This journey will change me and I am so ready and open to whatever I cross paths with along my way.

What I do know is this: I walk in the light, I breathe in the light, I am the light and wherever I may go I will always know where I am at because I am....the Warrior Queen.

I'm having my Gloria Estefan moment: I'm coming out of the dark

I am grateful. Yes, I believe that is how I want to begin this. I have been at such a loss. Words have not been able to come to my assistance as I am accustomed. I have been in a battle over pain and all my faculties have been on high alert to keep me breathing and patient. As a Warrior Goddess, I have TOTALLY been on a patience quest. It is a virtue, after all, and I am virtuous....most of the time (wink).

My whole life, I encounter a difficult situation, I grit my teeth and make my way through; like carving a path through blackberry cluster fucks. I just keep swatting away, stomping on branches, pulling out thorns, scraping my body and silently giggling at how exciting it feels to be thrashing through the mess to get to the other side and see what is there.  Each time I go to make a new trail, I take the little bits of wisdom I discovered from previous power blazing adventures

and fine tune my tactics so as to be more efficient with my path and my journey.

The blackberry brambles of my life are food and the wonderful ways it can bring me to my knees. I have always searched out the comfort of food. As a young child, it was toasted gram crackers with peanut butter, frosted flakes with heavy cream (instead of milk), a few sleves of Oreo cookies and ritz crackers with butter and thick slices of cheddar cheese.... For my after school snack. 

I know I've shared with you my cravings for candy and that battle. Then we have my terrible romance with diet teas and supplements to shit it all away.

My love for rich food, great wine and cocktails just adds to the system I have depleted and starved to create a creature I could be happy with and what do I get??? Fucking gout. Serious as a heart attack.

One of my problems in life is that as soon as I make it through a situation, in which, I've had to struggle... A few good days and I am back at it. I push myself through and make it to the end standing on my two feet, I may not be able to feel them, but I am on them. As a performer, you just learn to do what you've got to do or someone else will do it. My vanity has had me do things any normal human would never think of doing. Being a Warrior Queen, I often approach things as if I am super human and can power through anything; most times I surprise myself by actually doing it and wondering how I even did it.

These last few years have been rougher on me than I have cared to admit. When my only comfort is food and most of the food I love is not what I should be putting inside of me; I get a bit bitchy, to myself, and I go on benders to prove I can do it! I will eat all the fucking cake and candy I want so there. The body can not lie. Martha Graham's father said that very phrase,'the body can not lie.'

Mine started yelling my truth a few years back and I just put it on mute and pushed on. I have had THE best few years artistically, spiritually, emotionally and socially. I felt like I had finally dropped all of my masks and believed I was standing tall and true within my body. The only thing was, I couldn't feel my feet and hadn't realized I had been brought to my knees and the world looks much different from that perspective.

The month of January, I was barely able to leave the house. I couldn't walk. I sat scooted most places and was cared for by my friends and family. I knew my back was not good, but I thought I was better off that where I found myself. After my 10th day of no sleep, a month after having to leave my sacred spot at the grill at the Columbian Cafe, I had my brother take me in because the swelling was in my foot, ankle and knee.  This is when I discover I do indeed have gout. Fuck me.

I can live with this news! It is diet based and I can give things up. I must. I now see the pattern. I have been chopping down this path for some time. I am learning. I know what I must do and I am totally worth the work!

Today, was the second day in a row since the beginning of December that I am not in total pain, I can feel my feet.  I know where I stand, and it is in my circle of light; I have just chopped through the last big branch in my path and I am standing at the edge of the most glorious golden field of grass kissed with poppies and batchelor buttons. It is like I am standing in a Monet with the sound track to A Room With A View playing all around me. The wind feels so perfect on my flesh and the blood is pulsing through my body telling me I have made it! I have understood the pattern and have stepped beyond. I know I can do this, mostly because I never want to endure the physical pain I was in these past few months. I have a very high threshold for pain and this battle took every ounce of strength and patience I could find to make it through.

In many ways, I do not feel like myself any longer; I have had to let go of who I was to become who I am and I am pretty fucking excited to discover who this fresh new me is. One thing is for certain, I AM TAKING IT SLOW AND SMELLING ALL THE FLOWERS ALONG THE WAY, and opening my heart in ways I have always been too afraid to do. Watch out world HERE. I. CUM!