Rage issues...or...chub rub davis and the revelation of being a childhood bully...or... How I let the stage transform my rage

I have spent many many years and countless hours in therapy and trust building situations to bring myself to a deeper understanding of why I do or think as I do. I recognize I have hurt people along my path just as I have been wounded along mine. And to any person I have ever hurt, I am sorry.

Yesterday, the 4th of July, I was at a family gathering picnic at the lake. It was the first time our three families had been together like this in years, and by years I mean decades. I was excited and nervous. Will I remember names? Can I borrow a car so I can leave when I feel ready? God, the last time I was at the lake with all these people, I was in my t-shirt as a bathing top phase of my teens. Could hold a good half a cup of liquid in my belly button. Am I going to be able to control my tongue and not cuss as I like? I mean, I really don't mind, but then I do. I respect these ladies and gents that all raised us. And for them, I like to keep my speech when I am around them. My old fashioned nature. However, I did not edit myself. I went as my big gay self. My favorite part was when I went to swim with my niece. I'm standing around the table with my mom, a bunch of my childhood friends and my niece and I remove my shirt and my friend says," better remove that fancy belt buckle too."

As I continued to remove my shorts, I replied,"oh, I wore my bathing suit." (With a wink). And I let the shorts drop and he replied," where is the rest of it?" And I said," in Europe." And walked smoothly to the lake and swam with my niece.

I was in heaven!!! The water was so warm and I was surrounded by beauty and the sound of laughter in the air.

Making it to shore, I splashed the three girls sitting on the dock. And one of the fellas yells," and that is why I stay clear of Mark in the water, he is a bully." Laughter. Me???? A bully??? I prefer prankster and rebel rouser. Playful even. As I was laying in the sun drying off, I kept running through the reels in my mind. Memory search: me as a bully... Files uploaded and uploaded. My system was overloading. Wow!! I guess I was a bully. But I felt like I was fighting for my place. I mean what kind of a person asks their school mates to help hold down a girls so I could steal a kiss? A bully. I mean, I secretly did I because I wanted her raspberry lipgloss on my lips. I was going crazy thinking about it and I did the only thing I could think of to do since she wouldn't let me try it.. I stole a kiss. My bad.

Or what about the time I gave the girl a tittle twister in the microfilm room my senior year because she knees me in the nuts? It was a reaction, but bully all the same. So sorry.

Over the years, I have trained myself to not react so fully in situations. I keep myself on a short leash. Hard to believe, I know but it is true. I have taught myself to be a proper human being. I hold doors for people. I, to the best of my abilities, respect my elders. I survey a situation and find the smoothest and best way through it. In my mind, I believe others have done the same; and when it appears they havent, my skin starts to boil. And it is over the most stupid stuff. For example, I do not understand how anyone can think it is ok and acceptable to bring outside food or beverage into another dining establishment.. It is just impolite, tacky and rude. It bothers me that people don't check to see if anyone is behind them when going through a doorway. I am always stunned when I watch a family sitting out sharing a meal and each person is on their own phone totally checked out. When did we stop caring for one another? 

See.. The rage. How many of us have thrown something when it isn't working right? How many of us tell off other drivers because they are driving like idiots?

The stage and performing has really provided me with skills to examine and understand my human condition and how I move through it. Choreography especially. I love putting my tap shoes on and just dancing it out . Finding a pattern within the frustrated rhythm coming from my shoes and letting the language unravel with every time step I hoof out. Oftentimes, when I am at my most frustrated, I will have a movement phrase that will repeat in my body and I move it until I get beyond it. I let gravity and momentum drive me through space and time as I unleash my rage and find the dance. The beauty within. We are lucky, we have the ability to see one another and recognize the similarities between us. That is why stories, movement, an image can affect us so profoundly. We feel. But we live in an age where we are tuning out and forgetting how to listen, how to see...

I was at a meeting the other day and we were talking about the float for the Regatta parade, and it came up that some people didn't want to walk with us because there will be drag queens involved and they just are not comfortable with that. I felt my tiger want to roar and lash out. I heard all of the snap backs I could rattle off. Instead, I took a breath and calmly replied,"that as a community, and in the context of this meeting by community I mean the LGBTQ community, now, more than ever we should be standing together and supporting the vast diversity within our population. Thank God! We are a family and we need to learn to work together, especially in this small town. I am usually one of the only ones that dresses in drag for the parade, and I'm sorry I can not make myself small to make you feel more comfortable. I will treat you with kindness and greet you with an open heart, but I will not make it small." Sorry.

Then

, last night, I was having a conversation with a new friend and he was curious about the drag queen thing because he has always had a more narrow opinion about them and was totally turned around after our conversation and thanked me for helping him understand it more. See, he had a question, he asked it, we talked about it and we parted both feeling more full and satisfied with human interaction.

Then, I got to end my day with my lovely mom, my little brother and his girlfriend/my friend/tap student and played bocce ball as we waited to watch the fireworks. I had other friends arrive and we all sat in the beauty of the moment, each of us with our own set of life issues, rage and understanding and as a family of life we took in the show and marveled at the beauty of the world around us as freedom rang through the night sky.

Never too old to learn...

I was 28 when I learned that you had to use both eyes when looking through a view master, or binoculars.. I know. I. Know. But I'm just a bit stupid most of the time...

I learned this lesson one evening while at some friends house looking at their 3d photos from a recent trip. I'm sitting around a table with A LOT of super smart people; so their reaction to my statement,'well, time to switch eyes, my left one is tired.' The room went silent before they gasped. Followed by,' you are joking right?' No. I wasn't joking. I've always looked through with just one eye because it makes my eyes ache when I try to use both. Yes, once again, my 'silliness' becomes the laugh track for the evening, which happened to stretch into months. Good thing I can take a joke.

At this time, I was working at Star of the Sea and on my lunch break I would go into the preschool room and look at all of the old Disney view masters I just never 'got' as a child. My mind was blown. I was finally seeing these things in 3d and finally understood what all the fuss was about as a child.

I try to do that when I am just out and about, looking at the 3D quality of the world we live in. I am always amazed when I can be looking at something and then I all of a sudden can see it more vastly. Seeing the depth of the tree line around this gorgeous town, looking at my friends and family as the complete beings they are rather than the stored idea of what my mind registers them as. Recognizing my back space as equally as my front space. For most of my life I have not really paid much attention to how the back half of me moves through this world. I was too wrapped up on the front half and trying to keep most of it covered up out of childhood silliness and fear. 

It is one of the things I work on a lot along my path of self awareness and discovery. I call it 'my unfolding' of the layers of guilt and shame, mostly from always wanting to keep myself covered across the belly and crotch. I have developed this spiral, diagonal hold from protecting everyone from my 'masculinity ', gayness and gut. It has always been the classic cross the leg and cross the arm and hunch to keep it under wrap thing.

Seriously, what was I thinking.

This year, I have started to see myself, and more importantly, feel myself within the space I occupy. One morning, while breaking my rule of not using a mirror, I stood and witnessed myself and I saw the physical strain my body has been under from all these years of straining to keep it together. So now the work begins. Now, I cut through that restraint and work on freeing my body, mind and soul from all those years of conditioning. But hey, now I get to go through my collection of 3D images I have logged away and really examine them and see what is really there in the depths. I'm sure it won't be as incredible and fun as looking at those Disney images, clicking my way to a happy ending; but it is me I'm talking about so I am sure it will be colorful regardless of the issue I'm observing.

That Sweet Pride Glow

I was so excited for pride this year! It was the first year I was going to get to share it with someone special and I simply vibrated with excitement. Then he broke up with me. 

Now, I had been preparing for this from the get go. I admit I'm a lot to handle, and I'm not talking about in my pants, that is all nut (wink). I am, also, not an experienced dater and I was swimming in fresh new waters with this one, so I was prepared. At the same time, I lived it so fully because it was all so new to me and being looked and and touched by someone that was really into me was a sensation foreign to this queen. 

So, when he told me that we were through I was able to accept his words with grace and step forward feeling fine.

Of course, my heart was sad. Yes, I cried. But I was,also, so thankful to have had the time that we had together. Funny thing, I had just written a letter to a friend and had talked about him...a lot; and, as I was peeing I thought that if we made it to August it would be the longest I'd ever dated anyone, 6 months. The phone rang.

I know right! My mantra upon hanging up was, "keep your heart open and continue stepping out and up and full of life." He unlocked a part of myself that hadn't been free since I was a child, I wasn't about to allow myself to shut it down or be heartsick about it. I was going to continue this glorious new aspect to my being and take it even further as I soar on!!

My friend, Nicholas, came down for the week (it had been planned long before the breakup, he didn't come to comfort me;)) for our Big Gay Skate Night at the Astoria Armory, our Astoria Pride, and to be in the commercial we were doing for Painted Lady Gin for North Coast Distilling. Yes, Daylight Cums is the spokes queen for the fabulous gin!!! It really is my favorite!!

For myself, roller skating is my soul dance! I feel myself in the sky as I glide across the surface of the world on my skates! This event was special too because I am hoping to have them once a month!! So, I had to be beautiful for the party!! I spent the day cooking food for the potluck and laying in the sun and dancing to happy beats!

Then, I put my face on and Nicholas and I headed out to art walk downtown.

I had THE time of my life!!!! Getting to stroll downtown and visit with my friends and family and take in art, hugs and laughter; my heart was bursting. I felt so alive to be out in the warmth of the sun and take in all the love being given to me. It really was just the best! 

Could have been my favorite moment, but then I got to the Armory and saw my niece!! She said, " I have never gotten to see you like this; and I love it a lot!" And then she hugged me and gazed at me with so much love I thought I might burst.

And the Shanghai Roller Dolls stopping to cheer me on!!!  Full I tell you.

The party was such a great hit! They are going to let us do it once a month!!!! Yay yay yay! I got to skate with my girl, Ronda, who I used to drive up to Portland with to go dancing back when we were younger. We just circled the room, holding hands, talking, laughing. Seeing so many friends taking to the floor, some for their first time, others for the first time in years; the joy was so abundant. We were skating and having fun and letting our spirits lift and giggle. Then, my niece takes my hand and we skate   and talk and laugh. I am telling you, I was vibrating with love! 

Nicholas in his wig and hot hot hot shorts!!! The best pride ever!!

Next morning, Sunday Market! Yes, go grab some goods for the episode filming on Wednesday. Wandered through, visiting with friends, hugging, laughing, hanging with family. So perfect!

I am so lucky. 

The episode was the conclusion to my pride celebration. I have missed doing these episodes so much. It has been a year and a half. Finally, I'm back in the studio/my kitchen. I spent the morning prepping all the yummy food and getting the deck set up for the party. I worked on my tan as I was roasting the veggies. Really the best tanning tool, 15 minute flips.

I got all dolled up. I wore the same outfit from the skate night because it made me feel so good. Camera crew arrived and we got to it.

Teri Yukki and Ginger Vitus showed up. Nicholas had to leave early.  Got all the filming done, I'll spare you the description since you will be able to see it shortly!!

And my brother showed up on his Harley so I could get a shot on the back holding a cross bow, a girl has her dreams.

And we sat and ate and drank Painted Lady gin and tonics and I just knew that this is the most magical place. I am so blessed to get to be surrounded by such compassion and beauty and laughter and life. I love my abundant family and all the gifts and lessons we bring to life in one another! 

Yours Always,

Daylight

Conversations with Sari #693,432

My best friend, Sari, and I were talking about coming out as a gay male, me, not her (wink). She said she had been trying to explain it to her sister, who believes that it is a choice to be gay, that it is not. Well, she wanted some help on how to explain something we shouldn't even have to explain.

At that moment I saw it, the answer unraveled itself from the chambers of guilt, pride and religion and revealed itself to me... My mouth opened and I said," Sari, I've got to remember what I'm about to say because all of life just made complete sense to me..."

"We are born pure of spirit, flesh and impression. We come into this world and spend the first part of it on our backs facing up, hearts completely open and allowing all to see and marvel at us. We sparkle and shine and coo and giggle because we are free.

Then it begins, just like the hands that hold us at the beginning, restrictions to our being are ingrained into the fascia of our physical being.

"He will be a perfect angle."

"He will grow up big and strong."

"He has a future."

"Don't do that Mark."

"Stop it! That's for girls."

"You are going to hell if you keep taking like that young man."

The litany of should's and shouldnt's begin being stamped upon our souls. It's not just the negative, but also the pressure to grow up and be good, to shine in God's presence, to achieve good grades, to be popular, skinny. Straight.

It all adds up.

At just a young age we are given these ideals to live by and we place them on our soul and sleeves  and after time it covers us. We become encased, it breathes with our skin and moves as we move and it is always holding us back or in check.

Until one day, something happens and you grow beyond the garment of shame or straightness, should's and shouldnt's and you feel the 'skin' shift and light seeps in... Now here is where it gets interesting...

Some of us will continue to pull it up and over to protect. A lifetime of pulling and protecting and nothing happens. You make it to the end, no mistakes, Ta-Dah. You missed the point, you didn't live because you knew you held back, out of whatever it was that held you back in life.

Then, there are those that feel that freedom, hear the cry of freedom and against everything that has been taught, choose to stand complete, free to be oneself, a return to infancy. That is how it felt to me to come out.

I got so sick of carrying around everyone's expectations of me, my own expectations and I said enough and let go.

You know what happened?

I finally found breath. I found my voice, my heartbeat and I knew I could never return. It is only that first word that is really shaky; and if you feel tears and a vibration deep inside, you are on your truth! It really isn't a gay thing; and I guess it is a choice. We all have to choose. Do I want to live as I was born? Free of everything. Or do I want to live as everyone teaches one should be and ignore the beat of my own heart, the beat my mother gave me, that her mother gave her and so on and so on until you get to the true beginning of the first heart beat being handed out with the breath of life.

I choose my reality. My truth. My heartbeat. And, Sari, I have known my entire life that I was gay,

that I was something other than what was normal. It takes strength, courage and a willingness to loose all support to speak ones truth. Mine just happened to be that I was gay. Does that make sense?"

And it does. To me, anyway, it does.

We are all born as we are, each unique in ones own way. If we are mindful, if our meditation takes us deep enough, we are shown our truth, our full potential. I have always chosen the more challenging road, I learn so much. I have learned to touch with feeling not impression. I savor the moments I get with other open hearts. I am always here for you, no matter what. You need a hug, I will hold you and listen to you in pure light without judgement. And, that's just how I was born. (Big smile).

It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that bling

I have always been one that loves to accessorize, and I don't mean just outfits(wink). I have always had this drive to hear the language of the world around me and do as it commands. Sometimes, it may be leaving scattered flowers along a path leading the way to a glorious magical moment. Maybe it is wearing my gold Isis wings on the beach or while roller skating along the water front. Why? You may wonder....because it feels fucking great!!

The first time I really took a brave step out and start to express my love for color and texture in an outfit, was my 8th grade graduation outfit. I worked gardening for store credit trade at Steven's Fine Men's Clothing, when it was still in Warrenton. My outfit was a fuchsia Polo shirt with a turquoise horse that was accompanied by a cashmere sweater of the same turquoise with the fuchsia horse (my aunt still has it, I pet it when I can...so soft now). My hair was feathered perfectly! My grandma had taken me down to Stylemasters, I always liked going there because the girls always told me how beautiful my hair was... Miss those days. We would also go to the Brass Rail for salads with blue cheese dressing, so good and house made croutons from rye bread! Anyway(sssss), that was my first big jump out from the gray, brown and navy blue life I had been in for those 9 years at Star. I remember being at my 20 year class reunion and someone had brought the photo and I just lost it! Sitting around the table, all us Star kids, gabbing like we were back in the cafeteria and the stories that came up, oh my!!! And then someone chimed in,"and there is Mark, always pushing the buttons and rules! I looked so pleased with myself.

You may be wondering what is this 'Mark' shit? Mark was my past, he was the perfect good boy, that really wasn't. He was the one who hid in the closet out of fear. Mark was damaged. His system was greatly flawed and so he was put away in a tidy box and walked away from. Marco is who I am. I had to claim myself from the wreckage of my life post rape, post attacks and post fear of everything. I couldn't be afraid anymore, I couldn't let it look over me and always threatening to strike. I decided to stand firm, turn around and great my fears and get to know them. I have many. My main issue was that I couldn't be alone. Couldn't walk places by myself, couldn't go to the store alone, I was crippled with fear and worked extra hard to not let anyone know I was freaking out because I didn't want anyone to know I was damaged goods.

Marco has been my greatest accessory!! He has made my every outfit pop! He has pushed me to grow further than Mark ever thought he could. Those two years in NYC taught me so much. The best lesson was learning to be alone. Sure, I was surrounded by people always, but you have to learn to take care of yourself and that that required finding a voice. I know I'm loud, but I'd scream words, I wanted to find my voice and to do that I had to speak up and own my words and more importantly my actions.

Over the years, I've tried just about everything on. I love the bling and the eye catching outfit! And I've tried them all. When I returned from NYC in 1996, I got another incredible accessory, her name was Stella and she was my mannequin! I really loved her so much! I was living across the street from Star of the Sea, in the 'Brady' apartment building. My apartment faced the school on 14th and it got to where I changed her outfits weekly! I would always debut them on Sunday mornings after the 8:30 mass. There I go pushing those boundaries again. I would love to sit off to the side, hidden, and take in the reactions!! The best we're always the cars backing back up the hill to get a second look. She was really something! She was also well know around

town. People would always ask after her. Then, people started leaving me outfits for her! I am serious. I ended up moving into a two bedroom so that I could make room for all of her stuff. It was my first drag lab! You do know I wore all those things myself, right!!

She helped me to start unlocking that feminine aspect of my being. 

And now, I have me, Daylight. I have stepped in it fully and have been swishing around for years. Each step I understand more. I love the getting dressed up, becoming complete. I feel so alive when I get to walk out the front door and out to someplace to be with my friends. As a queen, walking down the street to the bar to meet my friends..fear a distant life,still an echo, keeping me alert, like watching for elk.

What I have been discovering, the gout has really been assisting, is that my bling is my heart. It is my big red ruby. It has shown me that I require nothing. I don't even cringe when I'm called Mark anymore. I love how strong and brave he was and how he pushed me to be me! 

I am my greatest bling! I think that is why I always feel so comfortable in all the multiple types of outfits I choose to wear. The are all extensions of who I am and I got to express it. We all do. We owe it to ourselves to let our bling shine! That is what DRAGALUTION is all about. We may start feeling like we are 'dressing' up but after awhile you realize that what your are really doing is speaking your language with all of the textures, colors, patterns and sounds of your outfits. It becomes your voice, a means to communicate without words. Art.

I see you. I love watching you own yourself and making eye contact on the street. I love it when we have a moment of song, a hug, a big laugh, our hearts melting a little bit with each exhale. Let's make this our season of bling and shine bright for ourselves and one another.

If I should die before I wake, or another curious adventure of chub rub Davis

These past few weeks I have gotten to spend a lot of time with my siblings. It has been incredible. Oh, the stories that we talk about! Or, they ask me to tell them the story because I am the one with the memory and never forgets anything....it is a blessing and a curse. Now, my mother has always liked me to keep my big mouth shut because I have a tendency to just talk talk talk and say what is on my mind and not use a filter. It is a gift....that my mother would like to return (wink).

Anyway(ssss), I have always been a firm believer in talking. I think it is important to share our stories, good and bad, and understand one another a bit more than just surface chatter. I consider myself very lucky because I am surrounded by a community of friends that talk about just about anything. We laugh, we eeew, we cry and try to understand and judgement stays out of the room.

Many stories have been jumping up in my mind and one in particular is just begging to be told. This is one of those stories I really shouldn't tell because it is just too embarrassing but it has taught me so much. I believe it is the beginning of my path of shame that I wandered down for far too long. Ok. I'm gonna do this. It is much better than the shrimp story...

"If I should die before I wake I want you to know I've always been a slut. I guess that is a strong word. I have been sexually curious and explorative since about the age of 11.

It all started with a friend in the neighborhood. We were naturally thrust together because we were the chubby kids in the hood. But we did far more than eat together.. These stories have been bubbling up to the surface for years. I had a few I always remembered; like the time we were laying out in his backyard.

I was wearing my short shorts (blue with yellow trim, my gym shorts from Star of the Sea) and I had a boner and I was making it pulse for, we will call him Jimmy, and he thought it was so funny that he called his mom, who was gardening near by, over to see my neat trick.

In my mind, I knew it was a sin, yet, I maintained the essence of innocence as she came over to see my neat trick. I pulsed it for her, grinning through my bucked tooth shyness, my feathered hair being hit by the sun giving me a halo effect, which did not work. She said that it was not a trick I should be sharing and that we should go play.

We were always exploring/role playing.. One of our games  was for Jimmy to be waiting in the chicken coop in his deep backyard, and I would come over and pretend to be 'Tina' the neighbor girl coming over for a visit and we would make out and touch each other...with our eyes closed because then it wouldn't count. Yeah right. These scenarios varied from day to day but we made out and touched each other often.

We would also go into my hidden back closet with a flashlight and magnifying glass and examine our crotches for incoming pubic hairs because I had noticed a few of the boys in the locker room getting tufts of dark hair there and under their arms. I really wanted mine to grow in so I could be a sexy man like Bo or Luke Duke from the Duks of Hazzard. Or maybe like the sexy guys I would see in the YMCA locker room. I have always hated that my back and front chub never allowed my butt dimples or front v to ever show. I wanted them so bad.

I think the biggest blow in jimmy and my relationship came after I had moved from my one room with the hidden back closet and I moved into the North bedroom it was much larger. I was able do do my shell collection justice and spread it out. The closet, however, was a small project I had taken on and dad helped me build a cedar tongue and groove closet with one shelf. The problem was it was only 18-24 inches deep. Not really the space we were used to.

I built an extension tent to the closet. I used fancy sheets and fabric and poles and string to create a mystical tropical place where it was always warm and required us removing our clothing.

On one of our exploration sessions, Jimmy said he wanted to hump me. I asked him what he meant ( I was being schooled by nuns and told that just touching myself was a sin) and he said it means that I lay on my stomach and he would lay on top of me and rub his dick between my butt cheeks until he peed. And that is what we did.

I guess we were loud and as he was peeing between my butt cheeks, my dad drew back the flap of the tent and saw us both naked with Jimmy peeing between my cheeks. He said we needed to go outside and play. To this day, my dad has never mentioned the incident.

I never got punished. I don't know what was, if anything was, said to Jimmy's parents. I remember them moving soon after and I have never spoken to Jimmy again.

I think of him often. I wonder how he looks back on our time together. Or does he? It is strange I have felt ashamed for our relationship and my sexual orientation for years. I've felt dirty and perverted but never bad about it. We were innocent in so many ways. We were developing and exploring during a time when people just didn't talk about sex with their kids. All I knew was that everything I liked and desired I was going to burn in hell for all eternity. So, I kept my dirty perversions to myself and presented the world with a sweet perfect boy. But that isn't what the people saw. They all saw through me, years before I ever could and I can not for the life of me figure out why... Why I didn't, why I couldn't see. Blinded by my shame I was trapped in a shell of a body that was not me."

Some say 'Battle' I say 'life'

Hey there!!! I am getting excited about this season!!! So many wonderful things are on the horizon. I can not even begin to tell you how incredible it has been to be back in rehearsal with my Cums family!!!

This has been the true test for me, taking it easy and not pushing like I like to do (wink). I have been cautious and almost timid in my approach to my pelvic thrusts and step ball changes. I am speaking choreography people, not bedroom; although that does cum up later;)

Anyway(sss), last weekend was the Shorty Shorts Queer Film Festival that we hosted at the Columbian Theater. I was really excited because Shitney Houston was in town and I've been wishing that for a long time. I wanted to be my most fabulous!! I was brave and wore an outfit I've never worn; Becky actually cut like 8 inches off maybe 10 minutes before Tim and I walked out the door. It was just too long, you know me... Barely covering the ass is how I like it! I also wore my new wig (compliments of Nicholas) and I wanted to wear me heels... They had been calling to me for weeks and they were being given a chance to come out for the night. I was really only going to be sitting in them and standing for photos;)

Well! Let me tell you!! Putting those babies on was like triggering a memory switch and all of my rotators and adductors remembered what it felt like to work and work it we did! I seriously hadn't felt this physically on my feet for months!

Made it through the night, got all cleaned up and I was sliding into bed and I knelt in to give Tim a kiss and my knee popped in the way I have been craving for since Christmas!! I woke on Sunday feeling the best I have in 2 years!!

I'm keeping myself in check. I'm pausing, not pushing. Ready to run, but stopping to smell the roses instead. 

This morning, I went to town with Becky and I put up posters around town for Daylight's Dance Explosion, and had the most wonderful conversations with the people I get to share my life with!! The support in this community is incredible.

One of my conversations was about the battle we must endure in life. I have to always remind myself that we all have our things, the challenges that have made us the people we are. What I appreciate are the ones that are willing to share their stories to help others along our way. Finding understanding through hearing other people's stories is a connection I always value. One of the biggest, I'll call it a mantra because I do use it to ground myself, lessons I've learned is: we can encourage but never enforce. I remind myself this daily. I can only encourage, never enforce. I learned that one in therapy years ago. 

Talk therapy is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. It should be a part of our self care pampering. For example, this year I released a wall I had had up for 30 years and I thought I had dropped that shit years ago. Nope, it was there, shielding my heart and keeping me distant. What the hell?! I was walking in battle and didn't even realize I was moving in attack mode. It's like that moment in the day when the shoulders release and you weren't even aware that they were being held.

Some days my nerves get the better of me...I have to check myself, emotionally/soulfully, before I head out into the world. Do I have the means to be myself today? Can I do this? Sometimes, I have to change my outfit, or forget the hat. Do I really 'need' the gold glitter eyeliner? (I do, of course, but I'd rather not have the gawkments).

I most always win, but I have developed a knack for feeling the vibe before I head out. It's just like how friends know when they need to walk with me home. You can just feel it in the air. I can't tell you how many times Sari has jumped over a booth to protect me!!! It is why I don't go into certain places in town. I kind of believe that once I get my life threatened in a place, I don't really need to go back.  Astoria has changed so much in my life time here, it is so much easier to be openly gay than it was before I came out and was coming out in the late 80's/early 90's. But there are still days where the vibe I pick up on is one of homophobia. I still get called fag quite a bit by passing rigs, and I can tell when someone doesn't want to help me when I walk into some shops. 

We all have our ways we find security in being in public. Handheld devices have made it so easy to be out and not have to even need to acknowledge anyone or anything.  For myself, I've got my strut playlist which I play to keep my feet moving when they want to stop. I take the headphones out downtown, unless I'm in a hurry, because I really enjoy smiling and saying hi to my friends and visitors when I pass them on the street. It is one of the things I really love about Astoria, it's ok to smile at people on the street. 

I've noticed that since I've let go of that wall I was holding up and didn't even know it, that I am able to see more into how I step in the world. I really do enjoy a good flutter, I like to dart and glide, soar, skip and dance on the wind. I like to feel my connection to the earth and when I exhale I do picture light bursting throughout every pore of my being expanding my capacity to be.

This IS going to be a great summer!!! I can just feel it so deep within me!!! And....August 7...DRAGALUTION WILL RETURN TO OUR HOME STAGE AT THE COLUMBIAN for a fabulous Regatta weekend show!!! I know!!! I can not wait! And we will be in the parade again and I hope you will consider walking, riding, dancing and joining us:) it really is the best time!

I guess what I'm really getting at is it is really incredible to live in a town where people look out for one another so that we can work at being ourselves. I want you to know I always have your back. I will always step up for you and if you need someone to chime in for you.. I can get LOUD, REAL LOUD.  Now is the time we need to use our voices and continue to grow and bring the change that we keep help fostering to grow! We are all worth it! 

That's entertainment

I have always loved to entertain!! In our neighborhood, up on 3rd, all of us kids were always up to fun times. One of my first entertaining attempts happened in our backyard, on the basketball court my dad had poured for Steven and Lisa to practice their hoops. For me, it was my stage!! And, tanning spot because it got so damn hot, and I practiced my skate moves.

Which leads me to my first 'show', a roller skating presentation of some ABBA songs. We had practiced our moves and invited the neighborhood to come and join in the show.  What I recall is people gathered on the sunny hill, I'm

sure I served lemonade and sun tea, have always been able to count on me to be a proper hostess. Seriously, at 11 years old, I had my own tea service cart in my room with old crystal decanters that I would fill with soda, tang and ice and serve my friends when they came over to listen to the ABBA 8 track and we would have a proper happy hour.

Anyway(ssss), back to the roller skating show.. We were awesome! What I loved most was looking out and seeing the joy and brightness on the faces gathered there. Those expressions and the way it made me feel inside was the beginning of my quest to entertain and spread joy. 

That summer, I enrolled in a clown class up at Clatsop Community College. I was hoping for more material, inspiration. What I learned was to take what I had inside of me, make it bigger than myself and to express it without apology.

It felt incredible! I was the only kid in the class, typical for me. Being the shy boy I was, it was a incredible challenge for me it it gave me the skills to carry on.

How was I to know those skills would help me throughout my journey.

Especially in high school. I may have been pushed, shoved, spit on, beat up and verbally attacked; but they only got bright smiles from me and I always landed on my feet with pizzazz.

Since I was Catholic, in high school I had to go to these classes, CCD, to continue my path to confirmation. I used it also as a tool to hold dances in the auditorium at Star of the Sea. Creating the perfect playlist became a passion of mine. I remember sitting for hours with my tape recorder ready to capture a dance remix from the radio. Listening for those songs that grab my soul and lift me up.

Creating the mix for dances with the right amount of slow songs, placed just so was such a fun challenge. My neighbor, Heidi, and I loved to craft these things.

In those days, I'd grab the speakers and equipment from all the great rummage sale merchandise dad would have storing up for the big June sale in the gym.

We would make decorations and snacks and punch and hope for a big turnout. I knew the reality, we were the Catholic kids having a dance at the grade school, it would most likely be us and a few others. I never cared, as long as the music was good and I could dance without being bullied I was golden!!

As I grew up, the parties evolved. I would throw themed dinner parties, cocktail parties, Halloween parties and impromptu dance parties wherever I could!!!

There is no greater medicine than dancing it out!! Sometimes we feel it and other times the feeling is trapped beneath the issues in our lives and the dance wants out, but we have forgotten how to release our joy.

I moved back to Astoria for two reasons: first, because I feel most alive in this incredible place and second, to share the joy and bliss of dance and unlocking our souls that have been conditioned to be in lockdown so as not to be judged.

DRAGALUTION is my medicine. These parties are what I love to share, because the bubbling up that happens when we all gather and allow ourselves to be larger than we are and dress up our inner whatever we wish to express and we come together to dance, and laugh and shine and grow. This is the magic of our lives. This is the magic of Astoria!! 

We have the opportunity each and everyday to step out and shine for ourselves and one another. Some days are tougher than others; let's face it, even the sun sets and gets tucked behind clouds and fog; but it shines within.

In all honesty, our last party in January, I was trapped behind a thick fog bank, but the show still went on. That's entertainment!! It was a true test for me, having to perform injured and depressed, but it taught me to find a new way to access my bliss, my dance and my benediction. And I was able to shine in a different way for you. What got me through was seeing your bright and glorious faces surrounding me and filling me with joy and laughter!!!

That said, we have DAYLIGHT'S DANCE EXPLOSION WITH DJ GRAY MATTER on May 2 at the AAMC!!!!!!!

This is going to be an incredible party!!! We have new numbers to dance for you!! Music to move our bodies and souls with!!! Great drinks! And, most importantly, an opportunity for us all to let our freak flags fly and dance it out bitches!!!!!!

And.... I am extra excited because my brother, Ken, who has yet to experience one of our parties is coming!!!!! 

I can't wait to shine with tall!!! You are the reason these parties happen!

As always, if you see me on the street, say hi!!! 

All my love,

Daylight

The Spring Within

I have been having the best time working in the backyard! It feels so good to work with the soil, see what is coming up, what hasn't survived, and what is to come. I have my garden protocol: 1. I stop and just take it all in, just open my gaze and try to absorb it all. 2. I start pulling up the horse tails from the lava rock, hawk altar, Lovey drinking bath (a site to behold!! I'm giggling just typing this. She has to almost stand on her front tippy toes and stretch her neck to get the right angle to tap that tongue in that nice rain water..adorns). 

I'm one that actually loves the look of horse tails. I find the way they dance with the wind so beautiful and soothing. So, I just pull the bulk of them out and leave sweet little stands of them throughout the waterfall of ivy that slowly falls towards the house. Natural selection by my hand. Sometimes, it makes me feel weird, like I'm doing a really bad thing saying that this one can stay but that one has to go. 

And, why am I trained to see that weed or the other two or three native weed/plants as something I should not allow to be growing in my yard, where it is clearly doing so well?

3.After I finish with the horse tails, I wander across the stage to the arugula garden and marvel at the clump of forget me nots taking over. I give them leave until the bloom, then I'll thin them out.  The azalea grabs my attention with its browning and sticky blossoms begging me to free them from their slow embarrassing drop to the ground. As quickly as I can I am 'dead heading' them as my old boss Mister Speake used to tell me. I hear him a lot when I'm in the garden. It brings me comfort.

4.I'm finally growing some sweet peas this year!! They are my favorite...sigh. Time to plant. I have some starts and some seeds. Working my hands in the soil is my meditation. Feeling the richness, and in other spots the clay and rocks. All of it there and fostering growth of all things. Mother Earth does not discriminate about who can grow where. If you can make it up and out, do it!!

5. I recognize myself as the seed I've placed in the soil, it is up to the seed to make the push to the surface. Sometimes we feel like it is too much. It is hard work growing and pushing past the earth above us. Maybe we get stuck, or we have to grow up and around another root and we break the surface but don't look as good as we should. Will we make the 'you can stay' list? 

We are all worthy of growth. We are worth taking that chance and pushing up and out and fluttering and

growing in the light of the sun and the kiss of the breeze...dear God, I just heard Karen Carprnter singing in the back of my mind. I love being me!! And by me I mean gay, because honey, I just have the best time (wink). Even when I am scared to walk out, I walk out tall and proud and when I feel the pressure of the words that get uttered, I just breathe into my feet and reach for the earth as I remember that I am still growing and I can push up and out and over this too. Ain't life grand!

As always, if we pass on the street, or anywhere, know that I see you and I love you and the beauty you bring to this glorious town we live in.

The Path of the Fool, or The Art of Letting Go and Trusting

In Tarot, I always appreciate when the fool card appears. It reminds me to always trust, to never give up and to continue down the path no matter how unfamiliar, dangerous and scary it may be.

These past few months have pushed me along the edge of my path in ways I never imagined I could survive.  I have been balancing on the edge not knowing how to move forward. At that moment, I had to face myself and recognize that I must continue in ways unfamiliar to me. I had to let go of everything that I've held onto and trust that I would not fall. My masks were removed, my clothing left on the rubble behind me. Naked, I scaled along the edge of my existence holding on for relief and the hope that I would be on solid ground again.

What I discovered was that I felt totally equipped to go on. I was not sure as to who I was in the moment, because nothing about me felt familiar; yet, I knew I was more myself than ever before.

And then I looked up, a man was standing before me, his arm extended to take my hand. Working at not covering myself, I accept and allow him to guide me across this nasty ridge.

He was comfortable from the moment our hands touched. I didn't know what was more frightening, hanging on for dear life or finding comfort in his gaze.

For those of you that know me, I'm called 'the monk' for a reason... I fly solo. Meeting this man has changed my perspective. I want to understand this me I'm becoming. This new fool, willing to trust and fall into another's arms. 

It brings me back to 2002, Winter term at the University of Oregon, needing to take a dance improvisation class; I decided on contact improvisation. The name alone scared me....contact. What?? What I discovered was that my body and soul had been starved of contact for years. To give into the trust and allow another person, often a stranger, to roll and support, lift and carry me through space and time was a sensation I didn't even realize I was missing in my life. 

The extra bounce in my step and sparkle on the air around me is due to finding that quality with the new man in my life, Tim. He has brought me to my breath, my heart beat and my desire to understand and discover more. His presence in my life has brought me to the edge and I see sky expanding beyond my understanding and I know I am to trust, to let go and to soar with him. Along the current of the wind we are carried and the air is sweet and warm and he is flying by my side taking it all in with me as we expand into the unknown; knowing that this is exactly where we need to be.

My past is no more. My skin has been shed and I am alive in this new body. I know not where we may touch down, I'm comfortable in the flight and also know that I am more grounded than I can ever recall. As the Warrior Queen, I am blessed to have found a warrior to carve out this path with. As frightening as it is to open up and share my vulnerability, I am grateful to be given the opportunity to be able to do so in this life time and especially with a man that sees me in the fullness of my being, flaws and all; and he is willing to share his vulnerability with means I find that priceless beyond measure.

To the journey my loves! May we all continue to grow and shine in the beauty and knowledge of who we are and how lucky we all are to have one another.

All my love,

Daylight