The space between my ears

In the days leading up to DRAGALUTION, last Friday, I would continually run through the numbers in my mind. I would picture how it was all going to feel, kept my feet from touching the ground for days. Every moment has exceeded every scenario my mind had painted!!!

So many favorite and important moments; I'll list a few:

Melanie, Austin and Lillian making the trip from Eugene to be with us, for the parade especially!

Nicholas making the trip from Portland and bringing the fiercest version of Annya Allnight EVER!!!!

Fuck you Jerry!!! Becky bringing Jerry so to life and dominating the world with her style and grace!!!

David being able to do the show. And dominating her solo debut!!!!

Katie having to sit this one out, last minute.

Spending the day with Pierce setting up the sound system

Having my Cums family gathered and getting to ride the GlamTram down to the show, making a few loops around town, waving, laughing, hugging and dancing.

Stopping at Supper Club to hug Katrina and T!! A ritual of mine.

Getting off at the theater and seeing so many people gathered to get in to the show; almost everyone dressed up!

This show was important form me, my return to the stage after the year break to heal so that I could do this.

Attitude check!

FUCK YOU BITCH!!! Still rings through my ears and soul.

All these moments have been swirling through the space between my ears.

The show.

What?!?! It was the first time I actually felt like I nailed a performance. I didn't disappoint myself. Big accomplishment (wink).the thrill of standing with our backs to you while Sofanda Dykes cooed us with love for sale. Applause. Applause applause!

Hey big spender! That feeling looping in my soul!

This is how the show went for me... Perfection within the flawed fibre of the world, there were issues, but none that would tear me down.

Drag lessons 101 killed me!!! Still laughing! Ginger, you are perfection!!

All the standing ovations! Melt my little heart.

The after party, dancing, hugging, laughing and discussing.

Seeing Cloud come into focus at the snack bar! He may have missed the show, but he made it for the rest of the festivities!! And by festivities, I mean Regatta Parade!!!

This year, DRAGALUTION and the Lower Columbia Q Center joined forces and we all walked together and rode the float, spreading our love and brightness with no apologies. None. All the love there! The families and friends that gathered to walk with us and celebrate love wins! Because it always does.

I keep thinking of the bravery of the young ones, straight, gay, lesbian, transgender, our elders, each of us surrounded in bright colors of love and light!

Letting the bubble machine, dance tunes and flower petals line the streets where we pass!

The incredible beauty of most of us covered in Holi powder from India making us that much brighter.

The people that came by to be covered in our love, our blessings.

The thrill of rolling through town and seeing friends and family along the sides cheering us along and showering us in love!!! Incredible. There are always those moments, and times when I realize how important it is to be present in life, and that really rang true towards the end of the parade, right by the Fort George, when I saw one of my favorite people from childhood and I gave her a shout out and she rolled her eyes and head at me, not uncommon. I asked her why. She yelled back that," it is because of you and your kind that I don't bring my grandchildren to the parade anymore." I just wrapped her in love and light and kept moving. Broke my heart to hear those words.

It also solidified the purpose of being present in life. Doesn't just have to be in large groups, but to be present as an individual human, sharing space with other humans. Take everything away, and we are all the same.

I've included Ann in my meditations, hoping that she will awaken in this life time and understand that love covers more ground than hatred. That understanding always leads the way and that we are all family. All of us.

Her words only gave me more purpose and vitality. I am on the right path.

I was so moved by how glorious we all were floating down the streets of Astoria and

how great it felt for us all to gather and walk with our hearts open and not apologizing for being our incredible selves!!

All these things have been occupying the space between my ears as I come down from the rush of love we all created together this weekend!!! Let us keep our brightness shinning and surround those that oppose us with warm golden light to help melt the shell of fear conditioning has placed there. Love is the way! And I love you all, all the way!!! Thank you for lifting me up and sparkeling so fiercely with me!!

All my love,

Daylight

The road to DRAGALUTION, or watching my past be torn down each step of the way, or how service club saved my life

I walk to work. I walk just about everywhere these days; and honestly, it has been faster than driving this summer. Right?!?! Part of my walk to work involves my playlist. For the last few months, it has been the numbers from the show coming up on the 7th of August at the Columbian Theater!! Other times, I have my walking playlist. I like a nice beat with an undertone push. Something that grounds me and moves me forward.

On work days, I usually stop by Rusty Cup to see Kristy and flirt and talk a little dirty, laugh loudly take my iced chai and swish down the street. It really gets me going.

I am such a Hoover Upright that I'm usually done with my drink by the time I leave her shop or by the time I hit the red garbage can by the Armory.

I practice this thing called, 'movement visualization', I watch myself performing the number while I am walking. It is a great mind body exercise!! Of course, I always hit a beat here and there and always mouth along, overemphasizing my mouth so it will read from a distance. The looks I get some days!! Cracks me up.

Anyway(sssss), I always walk past the football field, the old one, right across from where the fairgrounds used to be, miss those days. As you may have noticed, they are tearing it down. Watching this journey brought back so many memories for me...

It was always so tough and rough at the football games. I loved to go, but it was just too much for sensitive little me. I joined the service club and it changed my life! I had a purpose at the games, I sold hot dogs, popcorn, soda and candy and got to watch the games!! Yay!!  And on brave days, I would journey over, in my blue and gray Skor windbreaker jacket, swish swish swishing all the way up to sit near the band and watch the cheerleaders do their cheers. "Fishermen sailed the seven seas and brought them to their knees." Or something like that! Oh to be a cheerleader! In another life! Or decade (wink). 

Because this queen is ending the show with a cheer dance with pom poms  and all!!! So, here I am walking down the street, lip syncing to 'when love takes over' picturing my little Moonshine singing out and cheering proud and I just can't help myself, I have to finish out the phrase right there on the street. I love my life!!

The other one that is hard not to dance along with is the number I am dancing with Pelvis Pressme. She has choreographed it for us and it is to my jam song that has been looping through my being the last 6-12 months. Was such a joy to add that to my rehearsal walk to work mix! Hells yeah!!!

When I get back on marine drive I always tone it down, just a bit because there is always just so much traffic. But you know, I already get the stares,  so it really ain't no thing to give them a bit more to gawk at. It helps build up my resilience on stage.

I have realized that I have always enjoyed the security of a counter or stage for public interactions. I truly am a shy person and that barrier, the fourth wall if you will, really does lend such a nice shield when needed. I know it was a main draw for me cooking at the Columbian Cafe for all those years; I got to be a part of the party but got to be a bit removed making it easier on my sensitive nature.

DRAGALUTION helps

me tear down that fourth wall further. I have found I don't like having that distance. I like being a part of the whole and our shows do that. They are interactive and all participating!!!

We are so excited to bring you this show on Friday!! It is really so fantastic and stunning!! Not my typical nasty(wink). It still pushes the boundaries but in a more open and loving it way!

As I watch the John Warren Field lose its shape, I welcome the transformation shaking my foundation and pushing my walls to oblivion. I am ready, I am Cumming for you, I am so into this next step, this leap onto the stage and into the air around us all!!

I can not wait to celebrate with you all on Friday!! See you there if not sooner!!

Much love and with an open heart,

Yours,

Daylight

From where I lay

I'm chilling in my bed, I can hear Back to the Future being played at the park above my house... Maybe it is from the paint fumes from being on my knees for my friend Chris all day, maybe it it is from getting to hang with two of my high school favorites today. Or... It could be the excitement building inside of me as we approach the night of DRAGALUTION on August 7, a few days away!!! All I know is I am drifting back in time and remembering the most fabulous evening of my 10 year high school reunion.

The year 1997. I had only been home from my two years in New York for a few months, almost a year really. I wasn't sure I wanted to attend my reunion, I mean, high school wasn't exactly my favorite experience. And... As part of my arrangement for having my tap studio in the basement of the Elks, I had to agreed to assisting in'entertainment' for the members. Well, the officers decided that they wanted to put on a drag show, with the officers as the queens. Ok. This really is happening. Am I having a whip it flash back? Am I really being asked to put on a drag show at the Elks? I'm in!!! hello!!

We had weeks of rehearsals, the wives wanted to get in on the fun too and they had re-written the lyrics for the Jet theme, from Westside Story, to 'when You're an Elk you're an Elk all the way.....' It was awesome and the all wore dark glasses, top hats and white t-shirts. The best part was that they also wanted to do a big group finally to 'we are family'. I was seriously in heaven. My favorite had to have been one of the fellas dressed as Shirley Temple doing 'on the good ship lolly pop' I still giggle inside everytime I run across that photo in my multi-decade photo box!!

On a whim one day at the cafe., I asked my super hot friend to be my date to the event and my reunion. He was/is straight but a total sport and was down for the fun times I had planned. I guess part of me was all, " I'm gonna show all those people I high school that they were right and I was really gay and I had a hot boyfriend so la la la la la..." None of it true. Even in the big apple, surrounded by ALL those gays and being on all the right guest lists, I still never found my true love, my shared heartbeat. I had returned from the city, ruined, depressed and broken. Couldn't show that reality, so I developed my own script and my buddy was willing to be my date and play.

He arrived at my place, those days I lived across from Star of the Sea,  I had my Stella in the window in a prom dress and I had 2 gorgeous vintage suits picked out for us to wear and we both wore platform shoes, some of my club kid gear that made it back with me. He wore my wingtip black ones and I went with the sling backs in suede.  He drove us in his old sexy truck. Got the door for me and everything. 

We stopped by the Elks first to see how the 'girls' were doing, had a few cocktails  and geared up to make an appearance at the reunion...

My date was perfection!!  We pulled up to the Red Lion Inn and he got the door and held my hand all the way in. I was about to shit my pants from nerves, just like every morning while watching 'Good Morning America' and making my Hershey squirt stops before I had to go to school... But his hand in mine calmed my heart and I was ready to play the part! I remember the first few gasps as we walked in with those platform shoes on and holding hands. I remember a few people rushing over, my date kissing me ON THE LIPS and saying he will grab us some drinks. I remember some of the more popular girls crowding around me and asking questions and the more popular girls surrounding my date and asking him questions. 

When he returned with our drinks; as he is kissing me on the neck, he lingers around my ear and whispers that he told them he met me when we were living in New York, fell in love with me and had to follow me home. My heart is screaming ,' why can't this be real!!!!' We stay for a few dances and make a grand exit telling the tale of the drag show at the Elks.

I floated on the drive to the show. I survived my reunion. Yeah, I had to role play it up, but I did it to own the strength of what I wanted them to see, not the person I really was at that point in time. Oddly, I felt great.

Shit hit the fan when we go to the Elks. The person doing the Madonna number wasn't going to go on. Got too nervous and embarrassed. Suddenly, I am being told that I have to go on and do a number. Me? You have got to be kidding... I haven't rehearsed anything. I have no costume. I'm drunk.

These were not good enough excuses. We were at the Elks. Hello!! Before I know it, one of the gals is slinging me her pantyhose rice tits, I'm running to the basement to strip my Mona out of her white princess Diana from Paradise Island dress and wig and I grab my Madonna CD and get ready to take the stage after Mama Cass.

My date escorts me out to the center spot as the music begins and twirls me out, pulls me in and dips me with a kiss. And away I went. I sold myself to the over 70 crowd sitting there with their meatballs on their little plates, sipping their whiskey and laughing with joy! I can do this, it's just like dancing in the club, only I don't get to be groped. Nailed it. Sat down with my date and watched Dolly tell us how she will always love us, I stir my vodka cranberry and take in the marvel of this night. My true homecoming. It felt like my big coming out to my peers. I was feeling good. Aittle too good if you know what I mean... Why do I always fall for the straight ones!!! Why do they/he have to tease. I ask to go.

When we pull up he says he is going to come up so he could leave the suit with me. Didn't want to ruin in. We walk in.. "Hey Stella!" What a night. We are at my bedroom door. I have 4 alder branches that reach from floor to ceiling at each corner of the bed with old chiffon curtains I got at the rummage sale hung down each side, fastened back with gold ropes and little birds suspended in the corners. Such a queen, I know. Standing there, feeling bucktoothed and goofy; he asks me to help him with the cuff links, yes. Then the jacket and vest... He asked if he could help me with mine and as he was taking my jacket off, he told me that he had had the best night and he was so grateful  finally be able to live out the crush he had always had on me. And with that, he kissed me on the lips and turned and walked out of my home. Stella, did you catch all that? I stand at the window with her as I watch him climb into his beater truck, his thick dark hair with flecks of silver tossing back as he glances up and locks eyes with me and he blows me a kiss as exhaust fills the air and he drives away in the cloud of smoke. My hand grabs Stella and I look at her perfect face and think about what outfit I will put on her tomorrow.. It is Sunday after all, my favorite day to change her and she was ready for a transformation!!

I remember hitting my pillow and running through all the moments of the night and what a night it was!!  I find myself doing that now, as I finish this story with you. What a life!!

I am so excited to take the stage with my family and perform for you all on the 7th of August!! I am so excited about the fun we create in this town and how we just keep going places and opening up more and more for one another. I love that about us, that we are willing to share and explore and transform and grow and support and learn to understand. I am proud to be part of this community!

Your deeply and forever,

Daylight Cums

Back from our palace at the Oregon Country Fair; also known as 'a return to the heart' or ' damn it feels amazing to be in my bed'

Hey there my loves! I just slid my exhausted body into my bed after a very long drive home from the country Fair! I always put clean sheets on my bed before I go out of town, so that I get to slide into something fresh when I return, it's just like always being sure to wear clean panties when going out, don't want to end in a wreck and have someone have to cut off my 'old' panties.

Anyway(ssss), fair is one of those things I look forward to every year. The freedom that surrounds that magical place is one of the ways I have found in my life that I can be my whole self and not even think of needing to feel guilty for being full of my spirit and letting it shine as it will. I was really excited for this year because I was bringing some of my family with me to work in the new booth! There were 9 of us, we made up half of our booths work force and we ruled out gorgeous palace perfectly. I kid you not, Dave, my friend who owns the booth, created an incredible palace for us to work and live at for the 5 days we were there!

I learn so much about myself while at fair. I recognize the fact that I can be a bitch, that if I just look up without focusing on the journey to eye contact that I can look like an evil queen and I learn to soften my resolve and breathe through things instead of responding with my 'snappish 'ways.

Case in point: our gorgeous new booth is in a new loop with many new venders and new camping places to live in. Most booths have their areas assigned to them for staff camping. We had a large crew and so we were in two locations. The one not behind our kitchen, housed 6 of us and was in an awkward location; well, it was awkward for some. There was a logical and clear path to where we were camping but one of the booth owners was really concerned with staking out his area so that it will always be his. It works like that. Anyway(ssss), Safi and Karen were so good at going to get the camp counselor to aid in this situation and try to find resolve. They were so good. Sari really is the most smooth and clear headed person I know. Her voice alone can diffuse a bomb.  She has talked me out of countless explosions, oh those glorious rage issues. The best part is, those spots were only guaranteed for this year and he has no guarantee of security in years to come. I might add, he was part of the ambiance entertainment crew; can't imagine him creating anything too soothing with how he treated us through all of the extremely calm, thoughtful and resolution based negotiations we had for TWO fucking days. We moved our camp. I was there to be with my fair family, not to be wedged into a corner, unable to move freely from my home out into the world. Nobody puts baby in the corner!!

Smudge break.

Honestly, it taught me so much. It made me realize how much I can not bare being trapped, unheard, invisible and disrespected. To the best of my abilities, I really do try to be a kind and loving human; really I do.

Those first two days were rough. We were stepping into a whole new world with this booth and walking up to it my breath was taken away with how big and beautiful it was.... And how much work we had left to do! And you know, it just happens. Keep plugging along and the work gets done and the party goes on the whole te. It was really incredible watching the dance pavilion being constructed at the same time.

Where I stood to make crepes. , I had a direct line with the stage and all of the performers and people there to dance and learn to dance. It was so beautiful, I just know I cried into a few crepes. The , to see my friends in the dance community up there performing! Heaven. I was blessed enough to be asked by my friend, N8, from Work Dance Company out of Eugene, to announce them when they were in the showcase! Yes! Hello!!

I think one of my favorite moments this year was getting to walk through the fair at night with Sari, David, Jared, Zach, Jessamyn, Andrea, Jordan, Sofie and Aidan and take them to my favorite spots. To show them the path through the darkness and arrive at the most incredible places!! Our first stop, and this is a tradition for me, was ravioli at Rising Moon. It is like dining at an Italian restaurant in the forest; also known as perfection. Them, we wandered to the Ritz to listen to music and see the lights in the trees; visit with friends. We stopped at Altered Space and breathed in together. We all laid in a field and gazed at the vastness of the skies after having just stood within the universe in energy park. Blew my heart and mind wide open.

One of my favorite things to do is to just wander in the dark alone and sense my way through this maze of life. I just love it! I love seeing people dressed how they wish, some with not much on; others with the most elaborate and thought out pieces of art. Life is art!! It is s means for us to find self expression and freedom from our fears.

Shedding those layers we carry around; often not even aware of the fact we have just been dragging what ever it may be that is holding us back or down around with us for how ever long that may be. The trick: once we recognize the pattern, we can step beyond it. It's being strong enough to see the pattern and being willing to break that chain and step beyond...(I just had 'chains of love' by Eurasure pop into my head).

I love all the laughter and music that vibrates through the fair. I love getting to openly make eye contact with people, strangers, someone with a magic that pulls you in. I love getting to work hard and bring love to those I meet along the way.

This fair was just so incredible for me!!! I ran into so many friends I haven't seen in years. I got to speak my heart and hear other hearts speak. I was blessed enough to witness my friends be swept up into the arms of Mother Nature and be soothed and cleared. I was able to shed some of my hurt and come home more vulnerable and open and ready for what fun and life changing situations shall present along my way. What I always step away from fair with is to challenge myself to keep that opening as I step back into the world that is slowly tuning itself out. I strive to stay open, to make eye contact, to hug morr, listen more, talk less and dance more.

Rage issues...or...chub rub davis and the revelation of being a childhood bully...or... How I let the stage transform my rage

I have spent many many years and countless hours in therapy and trust building situations to bring myself to a deeper understanding of why I do or think as I do. I recognize I have hurt people along my path just as I have been wounded along mine. And to any person I have ever hurt, I am sorry.

Yesterday, the 4th of July, I was at a family gathering picnic at the lake. It was the first time our three families had been together like this in years, and by years I mean decades. I was excited and nervous. Will I remember names? Can I borrow a car so I can leave when I feel ready? God, the last time I was at the lake with all these people, I was in my t-shirt as a bathing top phase of my teens. Could hold a good half a cup of liquid in my belly button. Am I going to be able to control my tongue and not cuss as I like? I mean, I really don't mind, but then I do. I respect these ladies and gents that all raised us. And for them, I like to keep my speech when I am around them. My old fashioned nature. However, I did not edit myself. I went as my big gay self. My favorite part was when I went to swim with my niece. I'm standing around the table with my mom, a bunch of my childhood friends and my niece and I remove my shirt and my friend says," better remove that fancy belt buckle too."

As I continued to remove my shorts, I replied,"oh, I wore my bathing suit." (With a wink). And I let the shorts drop and he replied," where is the rest of it?" And I said," in Europe." And walked smoothly to the lake and swam with my niece.

I was in heaven!!! The water was so warm and I was surrounded by beauty and the sound of laughter in the air.

Making it to shore, I splashed the three girls sitting on the dock. And one of the fellas yells," and that is why I stay clear of Mark in the water, he is a bully." Laughter. Me???? A bully??? I prefer prankster and rebel rouser. Playful even. As I was laying in the sun drying off, I kept running through the reels in my mind. Memory search: me as a bully... Files uploaded and uploaded. My system was overloading. Wow!! I guess I was a bully. But I felt like I was fighting for my place. I mean what kind of a person asks their school mates to help hold down a girls so I could steal a kiss? A bully. I mean, I secretly did I because I wanted her raspberry lipgloss on my lips. I was going crazy thinking about it and I did the only thing I could think of to do since she wouldn't let me try it.. I stole a kiss. My bad.

Or what about the time I gave the girl a tittle twister in the microfilm room my senior year because she knees me in the nuts? It was a reaction, but bully all the same. So sorry.

Over the years, I have trained myself to not react so fully in situations. I keep myself on a short leash. Hard to believe, I know but it is true. I have taught myself to be a proper human being. I hold doors for people. I, to the best of my abilities, respect my elders. I survey a situation and find the smoothest and best way through it. In my mind, I believe others have done the same; and when it appears they havent, my skin starts to boil. And it is over the most stupid stuff. For example, I do not understand how anyone can think it is ok and acceptable to bring outside food or beverage into another dining establishment.. It is just impolite, tacky and rude. It bothers me that people don't check to see if anyone is behind them when going through a doorway. I am always stunned when I watch a family sitting out sharing a meal and each person is on their own phone totally checked out. When did we stop caring for one another? 

See.. The rage. How many of us have thrown something when it isn't working right? How many of us tell off other drivers because they are driving like idiots?

The stage and performing has really provided me with skills to examine and understand my human condition and how I move through it. Choreography especially. I love putting my tap shoes on and just dancing it out . Finding a pattern within the frustrated rhythm coming from my shoes and letting the language unravel with every time step I hoof out. Oftentimes, when I am at my most frustrated, I will have a movement phrase that will repeat in my body and I move it until I get beyond it. I let gravity and momentum drive me through space and time as I unleash my rage and find the dance. The beauty within. We are lucky, we have the ability to see one another and recognize the similarities between us. That is why stories, movement, an image can affect us so profoundly. We feel. But we live in an age where we are tuning out and forgetting how to listen, how to see...

I was at a meeting the other day and we were talking about the float for the Regatta parade, and it came up that some people didn't want to walk with us because there will be drag queens involved and they just are not comfortable with that. I felt my tiger want to roar and lash out. I heard all of the snap backs I could rattle off. Instead, I took a breath and calmly replied,"that as a community, and in the context of this meeting by community I mean the LGBTQ community, now, more than ever we should be standing together and supporting the vast diversity within our population. Thank God! We are a family and we need to learn to work together, especially in this small town. I am usually one of the only ones that dresses in drag for the parade, and I'm sorry I can not make myself small to make you feel more comfortable. I will treat you with kindness and greet you with an open heart, but I will not make it small." Sorry.

Then

, last night, I was having a conversation with a new friend and he was curious about the drag queen thing because he has always had a more narrow opinion about them and was totally turned around after our conversation and thanked me for helping him understand it more. See, he had a question, he asked it, we talked about it and we parted both feeling more full and satisfied with human interaction.

Then, I got to end my day with my lovely mom, my little brother and his girlfriend/my friend/tap student and played bocce ball as we waited to watch the fireworks. I had other friends arrive and we all sat in the beauty of the moment, each of us with our own set of life issues, rage and understanding and as a family of life we took in the show and marveled at the beauty of the world around us as freedom rang through the night sky.

Never too old to learn...

I was 28 when I learned that you had to use both eyes when looking through a view master, or binoculars.. I know. I. Know. But I'm just a bit stupid most of the time...

I learned this lesson one evening while at some friends house looking at their 3d photos from a recent trip. I'm sitting around a table with A LOT of super smart people; so their reaction to my statement,'well, time to switch eyes, my left one is tired.' The room went silent before they gasped. Followed by,' you are joking right?' No. I wasn't joking. I've always looked through with just one eye because it makes my eyes ache when I try to use both. Yes, once again, my 'silliness' becomes the laugh track for the evening, which happened to stretch into months. Good thing I can take a joke.

At this time, I was working at Star of the Sea and on my lunch break I would go into the preschool room and look at all of the old Disney view masters I just never 'got' as a child. My mind was blown. I was finally seeing these things in 3d and finally understood what all the fuss was about as a child.

I try to do that when I am just out and about, looking at the 3D quality of the world we live in. I am always amazed when I can be looking at something and then I all of a sudden can see it more vastly. Seeing the depth of the tree line around this gorgeous town, looking at my friends and family as the complete beings they are rather than the stored idea of what my mind registers them as. Recognizing my back space as equally as my front space. For most of my life I have not really paid much attention to how the back half of me moves through this world. I was too wrapped up on the front half and trying to keep most of it covered up out of childhood silliness and fear. 

It is one of the things I work on a lot along my path of self awareness and discovery. I call it 'my unfolding' of the layers of guilt and shame, mostly from always wanting to keep myself covered across the belly and crotch. I have developed this spiral, diagonal hold from protecting everyone from my 'masculinity ', gayness and gut. It has always been the classic cross the leg and cross the arm and hunch to keep it under wrap thing.

Seriously, what was I thinking.

This year, I have started to see myself, and more importantly, feel myself within the space I occupy. One morning, while breaking my rule of not using a mirror, I stood and witnessed myself and I saw the physical strain my body has been under from all these years of straining to keep it together. So now the work begins. Now, I cut through that restraint and work on freeing my body, mind and soul from all those years of conditioning. But hey, now I get to go through my collection of 3D images I have logged away and really examine them and see what is really there in the depths. I'm sure it won't be as incredible and fun as looking at those Disney images, clicking my way to a happy ending; but it is me I'm talking about so I am sure it will be colorful regardless of the issue I'm observing.

That Sweet Pride Glow

I was so excited for pride this year! It was the first year I was going to get to share it with someone special and I simply vibrated with excitement. Then he broke up with me. 

Now, I had been preparing for this from the get go. I admit I'm a lot to handle, and I'm not talking about in my pants, that is all nut (wink). I am, also, not an experienced dater and I was swimming in fresh new waters with this one, so I was prepared. At the same time, I lived it so fully because it was all so new to me and being looked and and touched by someone that was really into me was a sensation foreign to this queen. 

So, when he told me that we were through I was able to accept his words with grace and step forward feeling fine.

Of course, my heart was sad. Yes, I cried. But I was,also, so thankful to have had the time that we had together. Funny thing, I had just written a letter to a friend and had talked about him...a lot; and, as I was peeing I thought that if we made it to August it would be the longest I'd ever dated anyone, 6 months. The phone rang.

I know right! My mantra upon hanging up was, "keep your heart open and continue stepping out and up and full of life." He unlocked a part of myself that hadn't been free since I was a child, I wasn't about to allow myself to shut it down or be heartsick about it. I was going to continue this glorious new aspect to my being and take it even further as I soar on!!

My friend, Nicholas, came down for the week (it had been planned long before the breakup, he didn't come to comfort me;)) for our Big Gay Skate Night at the Astoria Armory, our Astoria Pride, and to be in the commercial we were doing for Painted Lady Gin for North Coast Distilling. Yes, Daylight Cums is the spokes queen for the fabulous gin!!! It really is my favorite!!

For myself, roller skating is my soul dance! I feel myself in the sky as I glide across the surface of the world on my skates! This event was special too because I am hoping to have them once a month!! So, I had to be beautiful for the party!! I spent the day cooking food for the potluck and laying in the sun and dancing to happy beats!

Then, I put my face on and Nicholas and I headed out to art walk downtown.

I had THE time of my life!!!! Getting to stroll downtown and visit with my friends and family and take in art, hugs and laughter; my heart was bursting. I felt so alive to be out in the warmth of the sun and take in all the love being given to me. It really was just the best! 

Could have been my favorite moment, but then I got to the Armory and saw my niece!! She said, " I have never gotten to see you like this; and I love it a lot!" And then she hugged me and gazed at me with so much love I thought I might burst.

And the Shanghai Roller Dolls stopping to cheer me on!!!  Full I tell you.

The party was such a great hit! They are going to let us do it once a month!!!! Yay yay yay! I got to skate with my girl, Ronda, who I used to drive up to Portland with to go dancing back when we were younger. We just circled the room, holding hands, talking, laughing. Seeing so many friends taking to the floor, some for their first time, others for the first time in years; the joy was so abundant. We were skating and having fun and letting our spirits lift and giggle. Then, my niece takes my hand and we skate   and talk and laugh. I am telling you, I was vibrating with love! 

Nicholas in his wig and hot hot hot shorts!!! The best pride ever!!

Next morning, Sunday Market! Yes, go grab some goods for the episode filming on Wednesday. Wandered through, visiting with friends, hugging, laughing, hanging with family. So perfect!

I am so lucky. 

The episode was the conclusion to my pride celebration. I have missed doing these episodes so much. It has been a year and a half. Finally, I'm back in the studio/my kitchen. I spent the morning prepping all the yummy food and getting the deck set up for the party. I worked on my tan as I was roasting the veggies. Really the best tanning tool, 15 minute flips.

I got all dolled up. I wore the same outfit from the skate night because it made me feel so good. Camera crew arrived and we got to it.

Teri Yukki and Ginger Vitus showed up. Nicholas had to leave early.  Got all the filming done, I'll spare you the description since you will be able to see it shortly!!

And my brother showed up on his Harley so I could get a shot on the back holding a cross bow, a girl has her dreams.

And we sat and ate and drank Painted Lady gin and tonics and I just knew that this is the most magical place. I am so blessed to get to be surrounded by such compassion and beauty and laughter and life. I love my abundant family and all the gifts and lessons we bring to life in one another! 

Yours Always,

Daylight

Conversations with Sari #693,432

My best friend, Sari, and I were talking about coming out as a gay male, me, not her (wink). She said she had been trying to explain it to her sister, who believes that it is a choice to be gay, that it is not. Well, she wanted some help on how to explain something we shouldn't even have to explain.

At that moment I saw it, the answer unraveled itself from the chambers of guilt, pride and religion and revealed itself to me... My mouth opened and I said," Sari, I've got to remember what I'm about to say because all of life just made complete sense to me..."

"We are born pure of spirit, flesh and impression. We come into this world and spend the first part of it on our backs facing up, hearts completely open and allowing all to see and marvel at us. We sparkle and shine and coo and giggle because we are free.

Then it begins, just like the hands that hold us at the beginning, restrictions to our being are ingrained into the fascia of our physical being.

"He will be a perfect angle."

"He will grow up big and strong."

"He has a future."

"Don't do that Mark."

"Stop it! That's for girls."

"You are going to hell if you keep taking like that young man."

The litany of should's and shouldnt's begin being stamped upon our souls. It's not just the negative, but also the pressure to grow up and be good, to shine in God's presence, to achieve good grades, to be popular, skinny. Straight.

It all adds up.

At just a young age we are given these ideals to live by and we place them on our soul and sleeves  and after time it covers us. We become encased, it breathes with our skin and moves as we move and it is always holding us back or in check.

Until one day, something happens and you grow beyond the garment of shame or straightness, should's and shouldnt's and you feel the 'skin' shift and light seeps in... Now here is where it gets interesting...

Some of us will continue to pull it up and over to protect. A lifetime of pulling and protecting and nothing happens. You make it to the end, no mistakes, Ta-Dah. You missed the point, you didn't live because you knew you held back, out of whatever it was that held you back in life.

Then, there are those that feel that freedom, hear the cry of freedom and against everything that has been taught, choose to stand complete, free to be oneself, a return to infancy. That is how it felt to me to come out.

I got so sick of carrying around everyone's expectations of me, my own expectations and I said enough and let go.

You know what happened?

I finally found breath. I found my voice, my heartbeat and I knew I could never return. It is only that first word that is really shaky; and if you feel tears and a vibration deep inside, you are on your truth! It really isn't a gay thing; and I guess it is a choice. We all have to choose. Do I want to live as I was born? Free of everything. Or do I want to live as everyone teaches one should be and ignore the beat of my own heart, the beat my mother gave me, that her mother gave her and so on and so on until you get to the true beginning of the first heart beat being handed out with the breath of life.

I choose my reality. My truth. My heartbeat. And, Sari, I have known my entire life that I was gay,

that I was something other than what was normal. It takes strength, courage and a willingness to loose all support to speak ones truth. Mine just happened to be that I was gay. Does that make sense?"

And it does. To me, anyway, it does.

We are all born as we are, each unique in ones own way. If we are mindful, if our meditation takes us deep enough, we are shown our truth, our full potential. I have always chosen the more challenging road, I learn so much. I have learned to touch with feeling not impression. I savor the moments I get with other open hearts. I am always here for you, no matter what. You need a hug, I will hold you and listen to you in pure light without judgement. And, that's just how I was born. (Big smile).

It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that bling

I have always been one that loves to accessorize, and I don't mean just outfits(wink). I have always had this drive to hear the language of the world around me and do as it commands. Sometimes, it may be leaving scattered flowers along a path leading the way to a glorious magical moment. Maybe it is wearing my gold Isis wings on the beach or while roller skating along the water front. Why? You may wonder....because it feels fucking great!!

The first time I really took a brave step out and start to express my love for color and texture in an outfit, was my 8th grade graduation outfit. I worked gardening for store credit trade at Steven's Fine Men's Clothing, when it was still in Warrenton. My outfit was a fuchsia Polo shirt with a turquoise horse that was accompanied by a cashmere sweater of the same turquoise with the fuchsia horse (my aunt still has it, I pet it when I can...so soft now). My hair was feathered perfectly! My grandma had taken me down to Stylemasters, I always liked going there because the girls always told me how beautiful my hair was... Miss those days. We would also go to the Brass Rail for salads with blue cheese dressing, so good and house made croutons from rye bread! Anyway(sssss), that was my first big jump out from the gray, brown and navy blue life I had been in for those 9 years at Star. I remember being at my 20 year class reunion and someone had brought the photo and I just lost it! Sitting around the table, all us Star kids, gabbing like we were back in the cafeteria and the stories that came up, oh my!!! And then someone chimed in,"and there is Mark, always pushing the buttons and rules! I looked so pleased with myself.

You may be wondering what is this 'Mark' shit? Mark was my past, he was the perfect good boy, that really wasn't. He was the one who hid in the closet out of fear. Mark was damaged. His system was greatly flawed and so he was put away in a tidy box and walked away from. Marco is who I am. I had to claim myself from the wreckage of my life post rape, post attacks and post fear of everything. I couldn't be afraid anymore, I couldn't let it look over me and always threatening to strike. I decided to stand firm, turn around and great my fears and get to know them. I have many. My main issue was that I couldn't be alone. Couldn't walk places by myself, couldn't go to the store alone, I was crippled with fear and worked extra hard to not let anyone know I was freaking out because I didn't want anyone to know I was damaged goods.

Marco has been my greatest accessory!! He has made my every outfit pop! He has pushed me to grow further than Mark ever thought he could. Those two years in NYC taught me so much. The best lesson was learning to be alone. Sure, I was surrounded by people always, but you have to learn to take care of yourself and that that required finding a voice. I know I'm loud, but I'd scream words, I wanted to find my voice and to do that I had to speak up and own my words and more importantly my actions.

Over the years, I've tried just about everything on. I love the bling and the eye catching outfit! And I've tried them all. When I returned from NYC in 1996, I got another incredible accessory, her name was Stella and she was my mannequin! I really loved her so much! I was living across the street from Star of the Sea, in the 'Brady' apartment building. My apartment faced the school on 14th and it got to where I changed her outfits weekly! I would always debut them on Sunday mornings after the 8:30 mass. There I go pushing those boundaries again. I would love to sit off to the side, hidden, and take in the reactions!! The best we're always the cars backing back up the hill to get a second look. She was really something! She was also well know around

town. People would always ask after her. Then, people started leaving me outfits for her! I am serious. I ended up moving into a two bedroom so that I could make room for all of her stuff. It was my first drag lab! You do know I wore all those things myself, right!!

She helped me to start unlocking that feminine aspect of my being. 

And now, I have me, Daylight. I have stepped in it fully and have been swishing around for years. Each step I understand more. I love the getting dressed up, becoming complete. I feel so alive when I get to walk out the front door and out to someplace to be with my friends. As a queen, walking down the street to the bar to meet my friends..fear a distant life,still an echo, keeping me alert, like watching for elk.

What I have been discovering, the gout has really been assisting, is that my bling is my heart. It is my big red ruby. It has shown me that I require nothing. I don't even cringe when I'm called Mark anymore. I love how strong and brave he was and how he pushed me to be me! 

I am my greatest bling! I think that is why I always feel so comfortable in all the multiple types of outfits I choose to wear. The are all extensions of who I am and I got to express it. We all do. We owe it to ourselves to let our bling shine! That is what DRAGALUTION is all about. We may start feeling like we are 'dressing' up but after awhile you realize that what your are really doing is speaking your language with all of the textures, colors, patterns and sounds of your outfits. It becomes your voice, a means to communicate without words. Art.

I see you. I love watching you own yourself and making eye contact on the street. I love it when we have a moment of song, a hug, a big laugh, our hearts melting a little bit with each exhale. Let's make this our season of bling and shine bright for ourselves and one another.

If I should die before I wake, or another curious adventure of chub rub Davis

These past few weeks I have gotten to spend a lot of time with my siblings. It has been incredible. Oh, the stories that we talk about! Or, they ask me to tell them the story because I am the one with the memory and never forgets anything....it is a blessing and a curse. Now, my mother has always liked me to keep my big mouth shut because I have a tendency to just talk talk talk and say what is on my mind and not use a filter. It is a gift....that my mother would like to return (wink).

Anyway(ssss), I have always been a firm believer in talking. I think it is important to share our stories, good and bad, and understand one another a bit more than just surface chatter. I consider myself very lucky because I am surrounded by a community of friends that talk about just about anything. We laugh, we eeew, we cry and try to understand and judgement stays out of the room.

Many stories have been jumping up in my mind and one in particular is just begging to be told. This is one of those stories I really shouldn't tell because it is just too embarrassing but it has taught me so much. I believe it is the beginning of my path of shame that I wandered down for far too long. Ok. I'm gonna do this. It is much better than the shrimp story...

"If I should die before I wake I want you to know I've always been a slut. I guess that is a strong word. I have been sexually curious and explorative since about the age of 11.

It all started with a friend in the neighborhood. We were naturally thrust together because we were the chubby kids in the hood. But we did far more than eat together.. These stories have been bubbling up to the surface for years. I had a few I always remembered; like the time we were laying out in his backyard.

I was wearing my short shorts (blue with yellow trim, my gym shorts from Star of the Sea) and I had a boner and I was making it pulse for, we will call him Jimmy, and he thought it was so funny that he called his mom, who was gardening near by, over to see my neat trick.

In my mind, I knew it was a sin, yet, I maintained the essence of innocence as she came over to see my neat trick. I pulsed it for her, grinning through my bucked tooth shyness, my feathered hair being hit by the sun giving me a halo effect, which did not work. She said that it was not a trick I should be sharing and that we should go play.

We were always exploring/role playing.. One of our games  was for Jimmy to be waiting in the chicken coop in his deep backyard, and I would come over and pretend to be 'Tina' the neighbor girl coming over for a visit and we would make out and touch each other...with our eyes closed because then it wouldn't count. Yeah right. These scenarios varied from day to day but we made out and touched each other often.

We would also go into my hidden back closet with a flashlight and magnifying glass and examine our crotches for incoming pubic hairs because I had noticed a few of the boys in the locker room getting tufts of dark hair there and under their arms. I really wanted mine to grow in so I could be a sexy man like Bo or Luke Duke from the Duks of Hazzard. Or maybe like the sexy guys I would see in the YMCA locker room. I have always hated that my back and front chub never allowed my butt dimples or front v to ever show. I wanted them so bad.

I think the biggest blow in jimmy and my relationship came after I had moved from my one room with the hidden back closet and I moved into the North bedroom it was much larger. I was able do do my shell collection justice and spread it out. The closet, however, was a small project I had taken on and dad helped me build a cedar tongue and groove closet with one shelf. The problem was it was only 18-24 inches deep. Not really the space we were used to.

I built an extension tent to the closet. I used fancy sheets and fabric and poles and string to create a mystical tropical place where it was always warm and required us removing our clothing.

On one of our exploration sessions, Jimmy said he wanted to hump me. I asked him what he meant ( I was being schooled by nuns and told that just touching myself was a sin) and he said it means that I lay on my stomach and he would lay on top of me and rub his dick between my butt cheeks until he peed. And that is what we did.

I guess we were loud and as he was peeing between my butt cheeks, my dad drew back the flap of the tent and saw us both naked with Jimmy peeing between my cheeks. He said we needed to go outside and play. To this day, my dad has never mentioned the incident.

I never got punished. I don't know what was, if anything was, said to Jimmy's parents. I remember them moving soon after and I have never spoken to Jimmy again.

I think of him often. I wonder how he looks back on our time together. Or does he? It is strange I have felt ashamed for our relationship and my sexual orientation for years. I've felt dirty and perverted but never bad about it. We were innocent in so many ways. We were developing and exploring during a time when people just didn't talk about sex with their kids. All I knew was that everything I liked and desired I was going to burn in hell for all eternity. So, I kept my dirty perversions to myself and presented the world with a sweet perfect boy. But that isn't what the people saw. They all saw through me, years before I ever could and I can not for the life of me figure out why... Why I didn't, why I couldn't see. Blinded by my shame I was trapped in a shell of a body that was not me."