The Birthday Queen

Today marks my 45th year on this earth, this time around (wink).  5 years ago I had my 40th in the Columbian theater. It was reservation only and was to be a karaoke/lip sync competition; the winner walking away with a grand prize of Marco's Sex Book PDFMN; which was inspired by Madonnas Sex Book.  The party was amazing!! Balloons floating in the entrance with streamers hanging down, finger food in the VooDoo Room; family and friends- all of my worlds colliding at the same location for a party that was a mystery to everyone.

I can still recall the nervous excitement of my mom! She loves to see me perform, but she also knows how vulgar I can be;) her favorite (even though her favorite would have been for me to be a god boy without a foul tongue) phrase for me was, "rude, crude and vulgar." I always have been. I am pure in spirit, I just have a vulgar way of shining sometimes...I have just learned to allow both space within me.  I try to not be too ashamed of how I speak, sing, write or dance.  Even when I am singing about angry hand jobs, I do it with playful kindness in my heart. For me, artistic expression is all about working through all of my pent up fears, frustrations, laughter and sexuality issues. I believe that if we continue to find the strength to share our fears, questions and joys with one another our world is going to continue to blossom and release it's sweet drag stance ( that was to read: fragarance; but I love drag stance!!) to all and let them drink in the beauty of what we all have to share.

I felt that on the 25 of January, as a group of like 15, all dressed in our drag for the night; walked off my front porch and through downtown to the Columbian Theater for this years DRAGALUTION! It was a powerful moment for me and my greatest gift I have ever been given

DRAGALUTION EVE

I'm sitting at 'my spot' at the jetty.  I'm just taking it all in... Picture me sitting with a huge smile on my face as I let the warmth of the sun cut through the crisp air and sooth my soul.

On the drive out, I was singing along to the numbers in the show, visualizing the dances and feeling the moment; and I was hit by a rush of tears.  Tears of relief.  I'm my mind, I've been calling this show my therapy show.  I have used some very painful moments in my life as the basis for this show, I'm not saying this show is painful( wink)

On the contrary, it is a beautiful show, with some very sexy and honest moments..anyway, the tears were welcome...

And sitting here, at the beach, I am just full of so much love.  I feel good!!! 

I'm so excited to share this show with you! To get to dance for and with you! To have all of our combined energies vibrating in the theater and lifting Astoria off its axis for a moment in time.

Until tomorrow,

Yours always,

Daylight

Dancing it out, bitch

Hey y'all!! I don't know if it is because I'm about to have a birthday or my eyes are opening and I'm able to see the more hidden complexities of my patterned life; but this show is really opening my eyes to so much about who I am!! I love that about art!  And really, that is what I am making and putting on stage with the great performers I have with me for this DRAGALUTION!!!

I didn't plan it, but this show is really all about working through the suppressed issues of my sexual awakening and abusive situations I have been in, along with some incidents of being beaten up for living out loud; all with a sexy comedic twist- which is how it always helps me cope with the pain. By putting a little laughter in it, I find it easier to look at.

Anyway, last night, at rehearsal, we were working on the finale for the show; a new song, " the song of my life" and as we are going through the choreography, I had a moment where I almost fainted because the song and movement all unlocked something in me.....

The song was written while I was with my aunt and her friend at Salt Spring.  I got up one morning and my aunt said she had heard me singing in my sleep, she couldn't hear what I was singing, she just heard the song. I was stunned to hear I sing in my sleep and I wondered if it was the song of my life or just something random... The song was written that day.

Then, I get together with Tyler and Olaf who have put this amazing music together and we recorded the song.

One part in the song, I'm reflecting on the big attack in my life, which caused me to live in fear for about 10 years; almost directly after recording the song I run into said individual and realized he had no power over me anymore! It was an incredible moment.

I've lived by the thought that as we learn about ourselves, live our lives, we are able to see the patterns, or cycles, we get stuck in and by noticing the pattern we are able to step beyond it and be free of whatever was keeping us stuck in that loop.

This also struck me strongly last night as I was teaching the movement.  Sometimes I feel like I am just doing the same thing to different music. Theme and variation is one thing but I wonder if there is enough variation to my themes? I guess as soon as I figure out that pattern I will step beyond it too( internal wink).

I have pushed myself to bring you a show that is different than the last, but still recognizable as my work. I hope that you will love it!! For me, getting to be on stage and share myself with you in all the crazy ways I like to do is what makes me whole and feel most alive!! You feed my drive to live a full, expressive and creative sexy filled life and I thank you all so much for that!

Mush love and I hope to see you on January 25 at the Columbian Theater!

Facing an old fear

The most incredible moment took place in my day today:

I'm making these silly cut out mirrors for DRAGALUTION and was looking for adhesive aluminum. So, David and I went to utzingers true value cause they have everything you can think of!

Well, we are standing by the register waiting for some help when the biggest fear of my 1986-1996 came into focus... At that moment I had the whole frightening past he put me through flash before my eyes. The intimidation in the halls, the shoving in the lockers and down the stairs.  Having him follow me In his truck yelling the most hateful and evil things.  The night he came into McDonalds after a game when there were two buses of kids standing in there waiting to be served by me and two others and he comes in yelling " fag!" And everything else gay and hurtful to say as I'm waiting on people and me looking at him, swallowing my fear and tears and saying, " I don't care what you think of me because I don't value your opinion as a human." And him jumping across the counter to grab me and having to be pulled out of the restaurant by the managers on duty yelling he is going to kill me.. The moment he his standing behind me in Peter Pan on his tip goes so he could breathe down my neck which made it even more frightening whispering how I better watch my back because he was going to get me. Peeling out of the driveway scaring me to death.  And the day he ran me down on 8th and threw me to the ground and punched me and beat my face on the pavement until I got on my knees to oppologize for embarrassing him in front of his friends.  I had no choice but to beg him to forgive me.

Even though I had Dean and Sari as my constant body guards.  Honestly, I have so many that still to this day watch my back and know when they need to walk me home.  But Dean had my back and saved my ass more than once!! Still, I couldn't walk alone for 10 years because of him.  No matter how strong I was getting he still had so much fear driven into every fibre of my being.

I saw, no lived, all those moments in that flash of seeing him and I did not have one wavering moment of fear. I felt so chill and powerful and healed and free!!!!! It was incredible. And I said, " well hello (insert name)" bought my rubber cement and left feeling more incredible than I could even possibly imagine.

Ain't life grand!

Happy New Year!!

For the past dozen or so years, I have made it a ritual to take time and write down the aspects of who I am, what I'd like to change, how I relate to the world around me and I go to the forest or beach and read them out loud and burn it as a means of shedding the power I give things over my life.

It is always surprising what gets written down; since I'm not much for editing my thoughts and I am my own harshest critic, this year I have made two stacks of thoughts to burn and I have to tell you it is going to feel great to burn these thoughts away!!! I have shame written down 5 times, it just kept popping up:)

What This meditation has revealed most: at my true core I am an aggressive ass hole.  I work hard, every moment of every day, to silence the rage within my soul.  I have found many tools to aide me on my path to honesty, grace, kindness and love.  The most important one has been my prism theory: I look at the people and situations that bring me frustration as an extension of the light that shines from within me and I ask myself what it is about this person or frustrating situation that I recognize about myself and I use it as a means to find deeper compassion for those moments.  How is this me? How can I affect change?  Do I really need to be a bitch because this person is so removed that s/he can't fucking use their blinker or have enough common sense that it is just plain tacky to go into a restaurant with outside food or beverages and sit at a dirty table.

At those moments (and I generally win this game with myself) I take a deep breath, maybe hum a little tune and try to let it go. This last year I only had 4 moments at the cafe where I had to let my inner ass hole out and I am working for even less this year.

You see, I choose to live each day, no matter how hard it may be to do, with loving kindness towards others in the world around me. I choose to get dressed and present my best self every day. I choose to look at you and smile as we pass on the street. I choose to overcome my short comings in life to make sure I can have the best time and most fun possible I every day I get to live.

And it is with that spirit that I burn down those issues that keep me bound to my true nature of aggressive ass hole; I deserve better;)

And with that I hope that you all have a much easier time at finding the joy and bliss in your lives than I do in mine!!!!

I am determined to shine more brightly than I ever have before this year!

Love to you all!

The path to DRAGALUTION!!

The journey for this show is really pushing me in ways I hadn't anticipated! I am just loving the crew of performers I have! It is frustrating being the director/choreographer in regards to not being pissed off every time someone doesn't want to come to rehearsal; they aren't under contract so I can't force people to want to be at rehearsal... Personally, I live for it! I love being able to get together with these amazing people and craft dances and work on building a fierce show!!!

I was in a particularly pissed mood last night, the full moon didn't help things;), and really wanted to be able to finish the opening number, but that wasn't going to be possible with several people not coming to rehearsal. I'm not typing any of this to be a bitch, I'm just shedding light on my perspective as a frustrated choreographer and performer. 

On the walk to our amazing dance studio, the Astoria Arts and Movement Center, I felt like my hands were tied and that I was going to disappoint the cast members that did show up. I mean, I have the 'angry hand job' number floating in my mind but I hadn't had the time to work it out on my body to be able to teach it.  I was feeling extremely unprepared.  

Well, I reached deep into my patience center and pulled up all the creative strength my tired little mind and body could muster and we had the best fucking rehearsal!!!! The movement just snapped right out and before you knew it we had learned the whole number and we all felt fierce about it and we were all sweaty from the hard work and dancing!!!

It really taught me that it all happens as it needs to happen; it being what ever it needs to be....life is glorious that way. I let go of my frustrations and found a deeper grace and breath and went for it and it felt magnificent! I think I will try these tactics in the rest of my life and see what happens:)

I am grateful for each person I get to work with in this show and I accept the fact that people don't have the same drive as me; that doesn't mean that they are being rude to me or the rest of the cast for not being there, it just is as it needs to be. No judgment just the facts.

I am excited to see where this show leads us! I can't wait to share it with you all and hear what you think about it all!

And again, this isn't a bitch fest, I am just sharing how my mind and soul react to situations I am placed in.  You all know I love you crazy!!! Daylight

The path to DRAGALUTION

Hello there! Words and thoughts have been jumbled and confused as we start another rehearsal process for DRAGALUTION: Daylight and her sexy bastards-raw.

I am very excited for this show! Some of the numbers have been in my head for years, others random thoughts that have been nagging me for months and the songs just keep cuming:)

For this show, the cast will be performing as men.  It has raised many questions as to what is masculine?.. I am male, yet sometimes I feel more feminine ( and not just because I'm in drag).  It may be the way I'm sitting, maybe the way I enter a room, sip a drink... 

Then, to take the idea of being male and placing dance on it; for some it is just mind blowing.  It takes me back to writing my thesis for my MFA

in Dance; my focus was on the role of the male in dance and dance education. I did a lot of research on finding the strength within the vulnerability. The solo I learned was by Ted Shawn, the father of Modern Dance in America, O Brother Sun O Sister Moon.  It is the dance of Saint Francis. A powerful piece which requires immense vulnerability and strength.  It pushed me to find the core of my male strength and the grace of the heavens. 

I'm coming to discover that male is as male is.  It is unique to each male that is given a set of balls and testosterone to deal with.  It has nothing to do with appearance, some of the most butch men I know clipper off all body hair and wear Lycra tops to show off their amazing physiques.  Flannel and Romeos are no longer for the logger or fisherman, but for the practical fashion gay too:)  all lines are being crossed and things are obscured and we all stand around scratching our balls wondering 'what the fuck.'

And it is with that energy that I approach this show- what the fuck!! To me, to be male means to own who you are. To thrust forward into the world. Make a mess if I have to and not apologize for it but own it!! It is essential to find the strength and grace within ones own body and make it work for oneself; not an easy task but so worth the work. So, if I'm doing something and it feels 'gay' to me that doesn't mean it has to feel gay to you or be seen as gay by anyone- that is my projection. 

As a choreographer, I can only teach things as they manifest within my physical sphere of expression; and it is up to the people, the 'men' I'm working with to make it feel masculine. We can not all look the same! Thank goodness:) we have to all be willing to take what is given and make it our own. It is a tough order to place, but oh so satisfying when the boundaries of the mind are broken down and we are able to stand within our own flesh feeling not as we once were but as the creation of what we have worked so hard to express.

I love working with the artists in my family that I get to work with!!! We all trust that it will happen; we all know that what will cum will be awesome- if only just for us. If any of my family is reading this, know how much I love and respect you for going on this ride with me!!! And for everyone that is always showing me such love and support, I thank you to the moon and back! I am the man I am because of you!!! And I love the man/queen I am becoming!!!! Much love, Daylight

Tis the season

Hello all! I am getting ready to get in the shower and wash Marco away to transform into Daylight Cums for the filming of my holiday episode, 'Cooking with Daylight.'

The holiday season has been approaching me in a much different manner than years past. I am being reminded of the joy and excitement from my youth.  We would go and gather moss in the forest, which was our backyard (now known as Coast Guard Housing), for the manger scene. We would sing carols at night, light the Advent wreath, rehearse for the pageant  and spread cheer wherever we went and pray for a white Christmas.  I'm sure getting to spend Thanksgiving with my sister and her family had something to do with it; oh and getting the shout out that the Tom and Jerry batter is ready!!!

I just feel joy bubbling out of me this year, for no reason at all other than the fact that I can not contain it any longer.  I'm not talking seasonally, I'm feeling it as a full time ooze! Filled with creamy gooey hugs and fluttery happy sunsets and magical walks in the forest. 

I was with my best friend ( and I have many that all share that spot in my life) and her daughter and I was talking about how magical the sky looked and that I could just picture a unicorn riding through it sounding the end of another glorious day; or something like that (wink); well, the daughter told me I was silly that that isn't real... And it hit me..... My world has always been full of the wonder and fantasy of things beyond our own knowing.  I love that about myself. I like going in the forest and feeling the spirits and picturing how my life would be if I was a little fairy living in the forest. And then it hit me, again...... I am a little fairy living in the forest surrounded by magic and awesome incredible larger than life people and beauty that never gets old!!!! 

And that is what is running through my head right now as I get ready to hit post and the shower!!

Big love to you all!!! I will sparkle with you later! Maybe sing to each other on the street? Anything can happen in Astoria!!

A conversation with my aunt

My aunt has been a major guide and source of power and understanding along this crazy path of life I have been dancing down.  I have always been able to count on her to push me to find words to express myself more deeply.  I recognize that I have not been an easy child for my family.  I recognize that I am a strong willed individual and that my actions can cause discomfort, horror and shock all with heartfelt laughter. I know I bring confusion and in the same moment comfort.

I have always been and done these things. The last few months have been incredible for me! I have always been the memory for my family, one can always count on me to remember most details. So, this next statement is a strange one to type: recently, I have had the veil of my life removed and I have been able to glance and understand my life in ways I never imagined I could... The big shocker for me was how much of my life from about 11-22 I blocked out because it was too painful and shameful.  More on this in other posts.....

Well, I shared the Butterfly Fleet video with my aunt and she asked me many questions about my art, tattoos as being my armor I have put on myself, makeup and drag. I appreciated that she had taken the time to ask me these questions which brought me to a deeper place of thought about myself. I responded and she felt I should share what I had written her with you on this blog.  So..... Here we go:

Your questions are thoughts that I have continually. For this video, I wanted the brightness of the drag to counter the simplicity of my look. And it is designed to make one ponder... Which is the armor, is it something visible or is it soul felt?
I never know how the makeup will look when I start. I prefer the red lips for film because the softer pinks tend to wash me out and I love the drama and passion of red lips. 
The tattoos... My journey is this:
Each one has been an aspect of my unfolding, my discovery of my journey, trials, joys and spirit. I never intended to be a tattooed man, but it has happened. The most important aspect of my relationship with my tattoo art is that it has provided me with the tools to see beyond the shame of my life and disgust of my physical appearance I have harbored for so long . I can look at myself with joy now.
Also, I like how it ripples the world around me. I am a kind, generous, loving, honest, hardworking man and when people see tattoos there is a different list of adjectives that run through ones mind.  I find that it helps to break down barriers in ways I couldn't imagine and I love when people ask me about them and I tell the story of the particular tattoo in question and the understanding shared is glorious.
I've spent my life trying to make people happy and apologizing for every step. I have found my soul beat and I follow its tune down my path of light and love... The tattoos help me tell my story:)
Does any of this make sense?
Thank you for asking the questions so that I could find the words to express how I feel.
Marco

With that, I shall leave you for now:) we start rehearsals for DRAGALUTION 2 on Monday!!! The show will be January 25!!!

The video my aunt and I were discussing is on the home page of Daylightcums.com:)

Big hugs to you all and I look forward to everything ahead!!!!

Love,

Daylight

Mini Daylight and I!!!

I love this so much!!! Norma you are a perfect mini daylight!!!