I used to be straight (continued)

"I had a dream, a dream about pussy, baby"

2 nights ago. I was engaged in the sexual act of eating out and since I've been off of candy, it was a candy pussy with a big old jaw breaker for a clit:) it was kind of a birthday cupcake kind of deal where it was made from red velvet cake and had glittery juicy frosting and that big jaw breaker just glistening in the warm sunlight as the woman it was attached to had her arms tied behind her back and she is encouraging me to give into my cravings and eat my treat like a good little boy.. She knows me all too well, is working her sweet charms on me trying to get me to just lick the clit. I know one taste of sugar and I will eat her cupcake pussy for breakfast, lunch and dinner and all in one chew and swallow the jawbreaker whole. I must be strong!!!

The woman is known to me but her face is never revealed. It's a thing of beauty and a horror all at once. I know I have deep love for this woman but I am unable to fulfill her requests no matter how she begs for it.

The sense of desperation is all too familiar to me. Being the boy that has always craved perfection and approval from my parents, my mother especially, I have always pushed myself to do things to make it all alright and bring a smile to my mothers face.

Don't get me wrong, my parents love me!!! They have put up with my boundary pushing my entire life and I have been pushing that one since I could breathe. Even when I try to do good, I always manage to screw things up, and not in a good way.  The case of my engagement will prove to be such a tale.

In telling this, I mean no disrespect to anyone, it was a very difficult time and many people got wounded along this journey. This is my story and how it went down from my point of view.....

I fell in love with her fast and hard! She was so glamorous, wore Paris, had amazing huge hair and was so caring and sweet and we both smoked the same cigarettes:)

Of course there were major issues: I was Catholic, she was Mormon. We didn't care, but our families did. He mom made THE best tuna casserole!!! Crumbled potato chips and all. Her mom even ironed the sheets before she put them on the bed. It was a dream come true to me. 

I proposed on her 20th birthday at hug point. I packed a picnic in my vintage picnic basket, got a red and white checkered table cloth, champagne and glasses and set out to make the most romantic of gestures to her. Sure we had only been dating two and a half months but I could feel it and I knew it was now or never for me:) looking back, the whole scene was just too gay for words. It worked, she said yes and now what?

Well, her family was pissed; my family was pissed. " how will you raise the babies" "what faith will they be" " our two faiths don't blend well" where will you live" endless litanies were sung on both sides.

There came a point when she moved into our house. I set up my basement room for her and I moved into my brothers room while he was in the hospital dealing with his anorexia.

All at once these things happened:

I apply and get accepted into the Culinary Institute in Ny.

We are both in 42nd Street, the musical 'hello'

She drops out 

I get the lead

We are in family therapy for my brother

I am the cause of his troubles because he saw how everyone treated my from being fat and he never wanted to suffer that

I find his trunk

Each evening went down like this:

I'd get home from work or rehearsal and go down to her room and read The Chronicals of Narnia to her as I let my fingers do the walking. I would say good night and go to my brothers room and open the trunk and unfold the mysteries of gay porn as I turned the pages and allowed my own fingers do the walking.... What was happening to me!? How can this be?! I'm engaged to be married, I can't be gay.... I'll look at just one more magazine befor I go to sleep.. Sleep, yeah right. Tortured hell for me! Visions of hard dicks, furry men and bloody female parts.  I never quite recovered from some of the things I had to do to understand what it was to be a woman. I pulled on a few strings, if you know what I mean and I was all too familiar with Ronald McDonald face:) it got so bad when it was all said and done, I had to take tuna melts off of the menu because it was jus too much for my sensitive nose to bear. Sensitive nose, sensitive nose I had a super sensitive nose ( that is sung I the tune of Becky. Love ya girl!!!)

Back to the routine. I was falling. My world was crumbling and I didn't know how much longer I could keep my soul marble and fake my way through. It was so unfair to everyone. I was tormented and now I find out that my voice isn't strong enough for the high parts so they have another tenor step out and sing with me so I'd be heard (this was pre-body mic days). I was humiliated. Not only could I not fulfill my role as male in my personal life; my stage life was a weak unit too. So miserable.

Anyway, I have a plan materialize during one of my many sleepless nights: we will postpone the wedding until I graduate from culinary school. My speach was something like," we will postpone our wedding until I finish school.  We are both sooo young, you are only 20, let's take the two years, mature and grow and then get married."

She was not happy. Postpone=never baby.

She moved out while I was a work and I came home to a nice long letter. She tore me apart, I deserved it. In the letter she told me I should just tell the truth that I am gay and get on with it. She also said she was keeping the ring and turning it in for one more suitable for her finger. Whatever. I may have ruined her but I was free. Free!! Free, I tell you!

I still don't come out for over a year and a half and my brother does it for me.

I don't see her for a few years and when I do she makes sure I know she was sooo miserable she tried to kill herself. TWICE. I am sorry.  If you already knew I was gay why did it cause you so much pain? Better off without a gay husband, especially in Texas, which is where she ended up.

I've never done well in relationships. My main flaw is that I am a pleaser and will go to all lengths to make others happy. Which is not the key to a good relationship, and something I have been working so hard on overcoming. I have had many many years of therapy to work through my shit and telling this story is allowing me to finally be rid of the weight the pain has had on my being all these years.

I never meant to inflict pain. I never meant to be gay, it's just who I fucking am and I own my shit now:) too late for some things but not all;)

And this concludes my attempts at being straight. From that day forward I swished my gay walk with pride and determination and did so

until I fell on my face. But that is another story..

And the armor falls.....

I was laying poolside in Vegas, frustrated at the state of my finances, weight gain, and new need of reading glasses; surrounded by people who were wandering in control, charging it and maintaining their icy exteriors in the heat.  I was not having a potty party, it was quite the opposite. I was having a mind opening experience! 

I began watching how people moved. Where the weight was placed as they walked, how the arms didn't move and people only breathed from their belly buttons. And I saw it, I saw the answer to one of my life questions that I never have the words for to ask the question, but it is always nagging at me...I need to be free from my drive to control how I present myself. I move with a locked quality that keeps me from my free stride, the stride that gives it all away, my swish, my ' you want some fries with that shake' walk. I have been spending a lot of my time finally looking at myself with my teacher eyes and addressing he issues of my body that I choose to never look at because I generally can't bare to look at myself.

I have been unwinding the twisted spirals my body has fallen into over the years. I am discovering how to stand with my weight on both feet and how good it feels to breathe freely and fully feeling the three dimentional quality I so easily ignore.

The fin piece to the puzzle fell into place as I am watching people move around the pool. People being brave, wearing bait hint suits that they normally won't, all types of bodies there to soak up the warmth and escape the reality of their worlds. Vegas is awesome for that!  At the same time that these people are parading themselves around with the air of ' I don't care what these fuckers think because I'll never see them again' (at least that was playing in my mind) I see the restraint in their movements, arms held at the side, so swing no grace, just bodies moving through space. And that is when it hit me: let go. Stop holding on to the body and not allowing it to swing and ride the currents of the rhythmn of time and space. The final piece, let go and be free. 

It's hard to do, to walk and allow the arms to swing. I tried it out I one of the evenings I was walking on the strip back to Mandalay Bay. I chose not to hold on but to breathe fully, feel my feel against the ground and allow my body to swing gas I went. Felt real good. Then, I noticed I had stopped swinging, back to lockdown walk, tall and graceful true, but no life.

So, I began again being awRe of how I was moving allowing myself to let go even though my subconscious mind was trying to cling to the armor of my frozen gait and in that heat too.

I was starting to get the hang of it and then I heard, ' work it girl' and instead of doing my usual not acknowledging the shout outs and whistles; I did a look back turn and smile and kept the swing alive all the way back home.

By letting that go, I feel softer, more loving and honest than I have ever felt. The trick is to keep it flowing. I like the feeling of the swing when I walk. I like the feeling of filling my lungs full and allowing my soul some sunshine. I feel boundless and I have the attitude of FUCK IT! Not pissed off fuck it, but a fuck it that says fuck it I'm going to have a blast living in this moment and not feel like I need to keep myself compartmentalized so as to not make a ripple. 

I say fuck it to all of my rules that have kept me precise, I want to move like nature, like the wind in a storm at the beach, or across a field in August. I say fuck it to not feeling like I should hold myself back.

I am letting go and the most incredible part is the fact that I feel my heart beating more clearly and honestly than ever before!!

I'll see ya on the streets!!!

I was once straight

I was once straight. No, really I was.  I needed to be. I didn't really come out until I was 21ish, so the years before that I was straight (I know, right). I was even engaged, but I'll save that for another time. I want to tell you about my attempt at being a dude during the spring on 1988.

I was only the city league volleyball team, we liked to party, a lot. I can't really remember why, but we were having a group camping trip out at Fort Stevens and we were tearing it up on the sand hill side of the lake. I had been making my 'moves' on (we will call her 'sweetie') sweetie for awhile and my buddies were pushing me to make the move on her on this trip. I was nervous as fuck. How was I going to do this? I kind of liked her, but only in the regards to her hair and outfits, I was in now way attracted, but I was hopeful that she would be blurred by my charm, Drakkar Noir, and feathered hair... She won't notice the braces or the swish.

I knew I was going to need some liquid courage so I had a buddy buy me a fifth of tequila and a 2 liter of my personal favorite, California Cooler!!! I miss the days of being to buy a 2 liter of a wine cooler! We went out on the rubber boat on the lake and I guzzled the tequila in 3 swigs and started in on the California Cooler, finished that real quick and burped nice and loud, the echo was awesome.

By the time we got back to shore I was feeling G O O D! I mustered up the courage to ask her to go on a walk with me. She said yes. Fuck. Now I will have to go through with it. We are walking along, I am so wasted. I remember going to hold her hand, poor sweetie turned and was all like," what are you doing?"

I was like,'I'm trying to hold your hand...!i want you.... Let's kiss...'

She shoved me with that eew type of energy and was like, 'you are gay.'

WHA. WHA. How could she I'm thinking. My actions were something like: no I'm not! I'm going to grab you and kiss you and prove once and for all that I am straight.  Remember, I'm totally drunk right now. So I go in for the kiss and I know I must have looked the freakish scared and angry boy with braces and feathered hair trying to be straight and wishing I didn't have to go throughwith this but I just needed to.. It was a breaking point for me and probably one of my top ten lowest moments I can kind of remember.

She wiggled and slapped and freaked and called me names so I pushed her into the bushes and turned on my heels and swish staggered back to the group and then all hell breaks loose.

My other friend, "darling" was sitting on a table and was getting in my face about how stupid I was being and how drunk I was and I'm sure a bunch of other shit that I can't remember because I was so drunk. I all I remember was saying I hated her, yelling some more and then we slapped each other and I stormed off heading for the camp site.

I don't know how I made it back, all I remember is crawling and seeing A 12, A 14, A16, A 18, A 20 and then A22.

According to my brother, who had borrowed my car to go cruise the gut it seaside, when he got back he was calling out for me and all he heard was a,"hhheeelllppp mmmeeee" over and over again. I had managed to get into the tent and zip it back up and when he opened it he said I was laying in a sea of vomit. I HAD PUKED EVERYWHERE AND ON EVERYTHING!!!

Next thing I remember was waking up and seeing a huge fire. Oh my fuck they are going to burn me. But no, it was just the bon fire and I was wrapped in vomit soaked sleeping bags and shoved under the picnic table. Perfect. I passed out and woke to the sound of chirping birds and feeling pretty good considering. I snuck out and drove away from my shame.

I was humiliated and since I couldn't remember most things for the next few days, weeks and for some things years, people filled me in and teased me about it all. It was not uncommon to be walking along and hear someone moan out 'hhheeelllppp mmmeeee.' 

I was able to mend some wounds with most people, but I still have never felt good about that situation. I even had several friends 'intervene' and give me the talk about coming out.. Maybe consider the fact I might be gay. Who me? No. Never. I'm straight, I just haven't found the right girl yet. 

Yeah right. But then I did, and a good Mormon girl too. 

A perfect day

Today was THE most perfect day! It started at 8 sitting in the backyard drinking French press and having hash browns and eggs in the sun with Becky. It is my favorite thing, the morning sun and coffee. Astoria is a special place and when the sun is out it just does something to me. The veil of illusion drops and I see clearly and deeply and tap into that earth vibration that just makes me want to strut and skate and hug every person I see..

After breakfast, I began my transformation into Daylight for the last bit of filming Mister Smith had for us to do on the Drag Queen Rap video. I put together a fierce outfit! Acid washed denim elastic waisted coveralls that I turned into hot shorts and sleeveless sexy goodness worthy of a queen:) I always know it is a good outfit when I get a giggle out of Mister Smith. It has become something I strive for:)

He picked me up and we went to the Pacific Pride gas station for some gas pumping good times. I love that I did all this under the Pacific Pride banner in front of the pumps and behind my boom box! The only thing missing was the car. But wait, that will be arriving shortly; in the mean time, Mister Smith filmed me dancing and working it for the camera in the gorgeous sunshine. It was a funny scene as the gas station is open, but it is a self pumper so no employees are there, however, the owner did drive up and ask what we were doing. I introduced myself and Mister Smith and explained what we were doing and he let us continue. 

During one of the takes, we had to stop because two different big rigs pulled up to fuel up.. I just bent down and picked up my boom box and moved out of the way; acting like it was just another day. Which it was!!! This is the way I get to spend my days going out and making music videos in drag!! Love it so..

Eric pulled up in his sexy green machine and we filmed the last bit at the station.

Then, we went back to my place, I slipped into something a bit more comfortable- my sweats and a tank top and off to the beach we went to film the last shot which was of Marco shot dead in the head laying in the sand. We did this at Fort Stevens while other people were enjoying playing on the beach and exploring the sites, I was on my back, with blood dripping from my head. We did stand and take it all in before we left the wonderfully windy beach.

After that adventure, I did another quick change and hustled down to get a quick roller skate in before my afternoon massage. I have been craving a skate with my new skates!! 

I put a skate playlist together and hit the waterfront.  It was perfection! Granted, I felt awkward on the skates being that they were new and it was my first skate since September. I was soaring in the heavens. That is how I feel when I skate. It may be my favorite thing to do. I didn't have time to work on my turns but I skated down to 39th and back to Salon Verve running into many friends along the way! Most of the time it is a high five as we pass but I did manage to get a few hugs too;)

I never tire of looking at the river. It is such a powerful force and so gorgeous and always changing.

After my massage, I headed over the big bridge to hang with some friends and over to their family's house

for dinner. It was such an awesome time! We made these crazy yummy taco salad things that were just what I had been craving but didn't even realize it!

On the drive home, I was on the bridge, Astoria glowing in the distance and the darkness was such a way that it made the road like smoke only being solid directly in my sight line. It was so present. Unfolding as I needed it. I felt so supported in a moment when it looked like I was surrounded by nothingness. 

What a day! I am so lucky to get to live in the truth of the moment and within the openness and honesty of my soul and I am so gratefull to every person that I get to spend moments with in paradise. Here is to a fabulous spring!!!

Candy Whore

I am a candy whore!! I mean it! I have always craved candy... As Willie Nelson would say, "you are always on my mind" 

I can remember as far back as being an altar boy at Saint Mary's ( I know right! Me growing up in Saint Mary's... Hey girl) and one Sunday- now this was back pre-braces, buck toothed, chub rub Mark with the shiny feathered hair- I am ringing the bells for the offering and all I can do is think about how good the Bit-O-Honey is going to taste in my mouth when I can get home to it.... My mouth was so wet, dripping and I was distracted; so much so I remember Father Alstock having to look back at me because I missed my cue for the raising of the chalice. I was so embarrassed to miss my cue my chubby cheeks got even rosier;)

Anyway, I have had a very long and secret, and not so secret love affair with candy. Many if you know my favorites (ranked in no particular order): peanut M and M, starburst, sour patch kids, Swedish fish, Salmaiki; milk duds, licorice, reces peanut butter cups, jugyfruits, kit kat, snickers, lemon heads, dots.... I LOVE me some candy!!!!

You all have seen me eat candy, we share it often... Oh, the risen are my favorite mouth wetting candy for sure!!  But that is only the amount I want you to see. For everything I have eaten with you I guarantee I have snuck more before we got together just to make sure I could control myself around you, especially in public.

Some days, I can eat up to 3 candy full package items within a single sitting:) my favorite combo is usually: sour patch kids, watermelon sour patch kids and peanut m and m... I will eat one full package of the sour patch kids and start in with the m and m before we get home from the store; then I open the other sour patch kid and switch between the two packs until they are gone.

When I lived in New York in the 1990's, we lived in a 4 story brownstone walk up on 56th and 9th. There was a store 3 doors from our entrance and every day when I walked by on my way home I would pick up cigs and candy to bring home; only I would buy extra that I would cram eat before I got to the front door of the building so I wouldn't have to let my room mates know how much candy I really ate. This was a daily event. I am a candy WHORE!

Working at the Columbian Cafe is the worst because I have the snack bar right there and I hear it call my name while I am working in the cafe. On a good day I will escape with just a little box of lemon heads; on a bender day it's a box of those while I decide what else I should take which usually ends in a snickers (now that they come divided in 2 it makes it so easy to share) I eat one half and will cut the other half into slices to share and I'll put a box of m and m's in my pocket to snack on while I get ready to prepare really fresh yummy food...something I'm kind of known for...

My friend Chris laughed at me when I was explaining my situation and embarrassment tonight after work. I'll try to get it right (but I can't type as well as he tells a story): " dude. You are saying that you are embarrassed to have people know how much candy you have? You who isn't shy about anything are covering this up... That is fucked up... I condensed the story.

I'm like, "yeah, I'm embarrassed about how much candy I sneak and I have recognized my pattern and I am stopping it. I am remembering that I feel best when I eat well, make my food, juice my juice and lay off the fucking C.A.N.D.Y. Baby!!!!" 

I am taking control and ridding myself of the burden of hiding all that candy mouth dumping by not doing it any more.

Don't get me wrong, I will still enjoy candy, I just won't be a whore for it and hide my obsession;) I will enjoy it less frequently and maybe more in the form of chocolate that is salty and rich...

Now, next I need to curb my desires for those damn blended coffee drinks.. I just can not help myself and I really do think havin two in one day is a bit much;) probably 6 a week is too many too. Seriously, I have an issue with these tasty sweet treats.

It's like when I decided I wanted to start eating more healthy and work off some of the Oreo, toasted graham cracker with peanut butter, marshmallow peanut butter and chocolate chip melted in the microwave mixed with frosted flakes with heavy cream that I had been accumulating... I decided to eat only things from the farm; so I started eating mostly cheese, butter (which had to be sliced as thick as cheese), eggs and milk.. I was soo gassy... Which remindes

me of my Star of the Sea fart story in the 7th grade while listening to Noah's Arc as told by Bill Cosby on the record player- but I'll save that for another time;)

Back to me, the candy whore, I am rinsing my shit out and getting it tight again so I can roll on the water front in my new skates without "rolling" down the water front... Know what I mean baby;) 

Today was my 4th day without candy.  It is tough. I was in the cafe tonight and I had to ignore the call. I've told Josh to not let me go in the theater for candy.. He can totally keep me out of there!! Love you all!!!! Type at you later! If you see me out and about say hey and give me a hug:)

Love, 

Daylight

The Alley Way

Today has been such an ultimate treat! I was given one of those moments I will cherish for years:) we are in the process of filming the Drag Queen Rap music video; we will be sharing it at the August 8 DRAGALUTION!! Colin Smith had a vision and we are role playing it for the camera.

Back to today, we filmed the "alley" scene. You know, the one by Erickson's Floral and Paramount Drugs. The scene opens with 3 of the kings playing dice and then Daylight, that's me, appears and a whole scene, including a slap across the face happens. Well, it's a public thouroughfare and there was some foot traffic and someone called the cops. 

Just minutes before a few cast members suggested it would be funny to go across the way and film people and their reactions as I stand on the corner looking like a hooker and see how long it takes the cops to show up ..

The camera is rolling, dice are being rolled, money tossed and me standing like a hooker and the cops appear just like that!!! It was so awesome:) apparently someone called in that gambeling  was going on in the alley! Then, another cop car pulled up and they were there for part of the filming.

Everyone was really nice. We just told them we were filming a video and he smiled and left us to it.

Throughout the shoot, people came by to see what was happening; shop owners came out and said, "hi" and blew kisses. Tourists even stopped and asked to take photos.  I love Astoria so much!!!

After all the group filming was done, Colin Smith and I did some solo shots ( no not that kind of a solo shot) of Me walking the streets of Astoria. We were in front of the Wet Dog, I was staring pensively into the grease waste dumpster-searching the meaning on life and being sad that the answers were not there....a car pulls up and a sweet older couple ask if they could capture my photo.. Well, of course.. The man says, " now give me a nice big smile honey." Took the photo then said," you are beautiful." And he blew me a kiss as he drove away. 

While all this is happening we have all the families, in the Wet Dog,

rubbernecking from their seats to watch the show; especially as I walk down the slippery dock to the next spot.

The best was standing on the corner of 10th and Marine Drive and hitch hiking with my thumb out and flirting with the passing spring break traffic. It was awesome! The double takes and giggles made my heart swell. I was truly doing my part as gayor of Astoria by boosting their spirits or boiling blood as they drove through our fair city.

I totally missed it, because I was waving to passing cars on our walk back, but the guests in Himani were doing that classic group take as someone passes; can't block shit that perfect;)

Anyway, of course I was totally nervous being out in broad daylight, the shroud of darkness is always so much more comforting to walk around in; but I had such a grand time and as I type this I feel so fortunate to live in such an incredible place and get to be surrounded by art forward, smart, crazy loving people that come out and encourage this old queen to keep it up, and by up I mean the work;).

True confessions

Hey y'all!! So, I'm laying in bed thinking about my life, visualizing the show in August, pondering the awesomeness of the music video we are filming right now; realizing how lucky I am to get to live the life I get to live and giggling about how silly I can be:) 

Some nights, when I can't sleep, I picture myself standing on the back porch of 1435 3rd, my childhood home, and I will kind of run glide to the edge of the forest and do a visual tour of the forts we built, the meditation field of lilly of the valley with my meditation bench where I would go and sit alone and pray like the good little boy I was (wink). We had 3 forts as a neighborhood and then I had two separate ones I had for myself because sometimes I just needed to get away from everyone and silence my demons so that I could continue to be the good little boy.. I love this visual tour. That forest was our second home. 

Sometimes I go through each room of the house and picture myself standing in the kitchen, looking out at the raspberry bushes as I wait for my chocolate chip, marshmallow and peanut butter to stop spinning in the microwave so I can eat my post paper route treat..

I go to many places like this, homes I have had in my life and remember the lessons and the sensations of how my life felt.

Tonight ( I'm sharing this next part with you because I was thinking of telling it at the show but I'd love your opinion on whether I should tell it or not) , my story takese back to when I moved back from New York in 1996, I had my great apartment across the street from Star of the Sea, I had Stella, my mannequin and sounding board for my life and the River Theater was being formed and I was on the team to bring the Summerstock season to life! It was such an awesome time and one that I block out because of how embarrassed I was from that time in my life. 

As many of you know, I enjoy the party, back then I did quite a bit. On opening night, I decided to party it up:) I put on my black vynl pants, my black mesh shirt, body glitter, platform shoes and a lot of gel in my hair... I was one fierce club kid stepping out to party in my home town and Stella approved;)

Well, I may have drank too much and maybe took a pain pill for extra fun... I went to the cafe to have Uriah prepare me a prawn meal and partake in some red wine, this was pre-voodoo room cafe, so cocktails were not an option.. Then, I made my way to the theater for the show....

Got there in time for the opening of the doors and the mingling with all the fun people out to celebrate...

I'm getting to my true confession and the embarrassing and stupid and strange thing I have done..... Don't hate me.. Please...remember I was young and returning from a lot of hurt and facing the pain of my past and trying to find courage to try and live true.... Interesting fact: even though I was like TOTALLY  gay, I still was not comfortable with it and I tried to keep a lid on something that I couldn't contain, but I tried because I just really wanted to make my parents happy, because I was a good little boy.

Here we go:

So I go over to the bar next door to have more drinks with my friends and we are sitting at the table that is visible right when a person walks in.. Well, I'm going on and on because I'm drunk and the pill, I love to call her Vicki, ( this is also the part of the story when I start laughing as I tell it mostly because I amSO stupid) was starting to say hey. I'm in the middle of a sentence and all of a sudden my head is springing up and back really fast, what the fuck.... My friends were all, " are you ok?" " you just hit your head to the table and sprang back up." 

I'm all yeah I'm fine.... Then it happens again only I go flying back in my chair having a fucking pass the fuck out kind of seizure thing that is so frightening when someone is having to watch it.... I feel so terrible still for putting those of you that were there through that... I come to and I'm on the floor and everyone is hovering over me saying that the ambulance is on the way... No fucking way. Fuck times 5000 is running through my brain as I'm trying to think of a way out of this situation. I blurt out (and I do this because I don't want anyone to know of the drugs I was on), " I think I'm allergic to the shrimp I just are and it's making me sick, please grab someone from next door and they can just drive me home.... No way I was getting in that ambulance... I was being driven away as we saw the lights approaching... I was humiliated... But not as much as the next day when people started coming over to bring me treats and take care of me as I recovered from being sick from the shrimp. I couldn't tell the truth.... I was too ashamed.  I wasn't able to really ever show my face I the bar again.. I went back much later, months, but I never felt comfortable because of what I had put the employees and my friends through.

I dedicated myself to my role of being allergic to shellfish, I added crab as a punishment, as well as even making sure I lived the lie to myself- I never once cheated in these 17 years of the lie. Even when I moved away and started over in other places I maintained that lie because I could not live with the humiliation of what I had done and how I lied to make myself look less bad. I am one stupid mother fucker.

Just this year, I was faced with a situation where I was with some people in a terribly frightening and awkward situation and the truth came out. In that moment I realized that I could lie no longer.  My curtain came down and I was able to leave the role behind..

What drives one to do such a thing? Wouldn't I have been much better off telling the truth and saving the whatever it may be that I thrust on all those people? And why on earth was it a good idea to live the lie for 17 fucking years??

Finally telling the truth on that was huge. After the first time of revealing the truth, I did go to some friends and tell them I really could eat shrimp and went through with it and told the story, the true story. I have many friends that tease me about it, testing me in public because I'm still uncomfortable with confronting the truth of my situation.... I take it because I've earned the jokes.

I lived that lie almost as long as the lie of being straight;) that one went on into the 20+ year mark;)

I feel comforted and nervous sharing this darkness with you, but I am working at being a more open, loving and honest human so it's best to just be done with it.. It was my past and I have finally had the foresight to let go of the lie and step forward on my path of playful benediction.

I really do hope you will still want to be my friend and celebrate this life, this now with me!

I send out my deepest heartfelt apologies to anyone I hurt through this time in my life...

Humbly and yours always,

Daylight

Fat Tuesday

Hey y'all!!! I have been in New Orleans for the last week enjoying the charged season of Mardi Gras as we raced to today! I have been planning this adventure for months with my friend Jeanine.  She and Uriah have a house mere blocks from the French Quarter and we have been planning our fun times while here:)

There are a few things you should know:

I love to travel.

I have a very sensitive system, especially with food that I love making me sick.

When I travel, I like to pretend that I am a normal human that can eat whatever I'd like and not suffer from it...wrong!

In April it will be a year ago that I gave up gluten to ease the inflammation in my body, especially my lower back, so you can imagine the shock and horror I've been putting myself through this last week!

My first meal was at Coops for the fried chicken that I dream about!!! The next morning we had grits with shrimp and sausage. Ribs and Mac and cheese at the Joint, the other place I dream about. Then there were all of the house parties with amazing spreads of food, so many sandwiches and baguettes with cheeses and spinach dip...fuck.  I've missed all these things so much! 

Each morning we start out by leaving the house and walking to Envie for a coffee for our walk through the quarter, while we wait for Molly's to open so we can enjoy a frozen Irish coffee, which I must say is to die for!!! Then home to make breakfast, change into our parade gear and head out for all the action.

I have seen SO many parades! Such a fun experience, standing on the side of a road with people all dressed up, holding our drinks in one hand and waving and begging to be noticed so we can score a really great strand of beads, or a shoe, or a coconut!!! It's really all in the eye contact mixed with a bit of open loving aggression;)

I've been bloating up and up as the days have passed.. I've had my usual 3 toilet births a day but I've been swelling up and not in the way I like....

I'm only saying this because I hate feeling bloated when I'm supposed to be a glamor queen and last night I was to perform, thank goodness fringe is so forgiving!!!

Jeanine was able to hook me up with a gig through Tru, a fabulous queen that is her neighbor. Meg's has a show Monday nights and Tru said that I should come down with her and speak with Rusty about getting to do a number! The cards were in my favor and I got to do one number... As I'm freezing my ass off walking downto the club I found myself happy for the extra bloat warmth;) until I took the stage and realized how slowed down I moved.. This bitch had to work hard.

The evening was a blast and I woke this morning, Fat Tuesday, to the call for French toast before we all ventured out in the pouring down cold fucking rain... 

What's one more day I say to myself as I shove a second piece of French toast down my throat... Not so much.. Two blocks into our wet walk I am hit with that old familiar feeling I've been so happy to be free of- my chest burn gas bloat miserable dead roadent reminder that I am delicate and need to pay attention. So of course I had to try to wash it away with a delicious Reuben and fries!! I never learn. I did hold myself back from eating the rack of lamb and asparagus and salad we had for dinner.  I sat at the table wrapped in a blanket so no one could see how sickly bloated and miserable I was/ still am;)

Jeanine just laid on my bed, which is convienently located in the kitchen;) I'm serious!, and we were talking about it and I mentioned that I weighed myself this morning after my first toilet birth and was horrified to see I had gained 8 pounds in one week!!! She replied, " well, it's just stupid to weigh yourself on FAT Tuesday!" Duh what was I thinking.....

I am excited about the lesson I'm taking home from this trip!! I'm identifying yet another pattern that I've been stuck in and I am freeing myself from the pressure of having to eat what I crave; I'm going to eat what I need and what makes me feel best. 

Does this mean I will never have fried chicken, ribs and French toast again. French toast never again!  I can guarantee that;) fried chicken and ribs will find their way into my mouth again I know that, but I will be much smarter at the rate and frequency I do so;)

This has been such a great trip for me! I have L.O.V.E. Loved my time!!! And I am so sxcited to be home and get back to me and what I love to do; teach, cook and put on a show and party for y'all!!!!

Much love and a big sloppy kiss,

Daylight

Daylight and the Dark Forest Minstrels

Today was the Dark Arts Festival at the Fort George.  It is their stout beer festival which is the stage for music, local artists of all styles and a community of people that gather to celebrate it all.

I was asked to be a part of the celebration this year and we brought our minstrel ways to the fort.  I have been excited about this for quite some time!  We have been rehearsing and planning our costumes and anxious to share our magic of music, dance and expression... Coming on the heels of such a powerful full moon and having it pour down rain and blow like a dickens was putting a damper on my mood until I snapped out of it and remembered that we are Astorians and this storm could not stop our beating feet!

I had so many incredible moments.... 

Tyler and Olaf in their Union Jack suits with head dresses and face makeup playing music that just gets in you. Tim on the bull horn with his harmonica taped to it making everything all right!

We had a parade route that we took each time we did our "act" if you will.. We visualized us beginning in darkness and ending in light as a visual pathway.  We carved and danced and twirled through the people, burning palo santo and blessing the space...the second time we had staffs and we went through and cleared the energy of the winter to bring space for the light of spring.. And our final parade was the arrival of spring with our fluttering wings and flower pedals showered upon our friends as we all danced in celebration... Each time we did our thing we were greeted with so much love and excitement.  It was truly awesome!!!!

Then, there was all of the down time and wandering and visiting and having people want to have a photo taken or just share a moment of time, all walls down and just say, " yeah" life here really is the best!  Kids coming up with their parents to have their pictures taken with a drag queen dressed in Victorian  drag... My heart swelled and melted.  My perspective has shifted further.....

I think my highlight may have been getting to sit in the still life exhibit and be drawn and photographed... Taking that moment to stop and just lounge in my glory and not hide a thing and just let people take it in... Getting to sit there with Cameron, my goddess momma who has been walking at my side and sharing in this life art experience and we are sitting there, our spirits dancing in that space..... Glorious

And coming into the space at a later time and seeing Teresa glowing, her aura reaching out beyond the seats and calling me to her as I sat next to her and let that meditation wash over me and melt my soul just a bit more....

And then there was the moment when Cameron and Jessamyn took the floor and danced for us all!!!!! Their magic and beauty oozing out of them and bathing us all in their beauty.. It was magnificent....

And all of the glorious people and cheers of heartfelt good tidings. Seriously, I had the time of my life today and I ( god, the song from Dirty Dancing is trying so hard to jump out of my fingers and into this phrase right now)..

Anyway, I love you Astoria!!!! You carry me and love me in ways I have never been able to imagine:) I love you so, 

Daylight

A time for self love

I'm one of those people that always gets the comment, "I wish you had a partner, you are so amazing you need to be in love...." We have all had things like this said to us or played over in our heads on repeat until we forget the importance of loving oneself.

I used to do everything to try and find a man.  Some would call it desperate, others would laugh at my attempts.  I'm one that always puts it all out there.  I want people to know what they are getting, and it would, generally, scare them away.  Then, it got to the point where I would be sure to have sex on the first date because I knew I would scare him away anyway so I may as well get laid... And that never works for me because I am just too crazy in the sack, with a thin veil of nervousness ever since I was 25 and was told by a boyfriend while we were having sex that I should really lose my gut if we were going to continue dating- his hand was slapping my gut as he said this:)

I have always had a gut, even when I was working out all the time, dancing and partying like a good club kid I could just never manage to rid myself of my stretched out belly button and belly.  It has been my biggest self trigger flaw for 30 years. What the fuck!!

Anyway, I would commit to a gym, abuse diet supplements, starve myself, cheat the angles and distract with my huge personality...all this to try and find a man to love me.  I would always manage to attract the wrong guys, but I thought that they must be the right ones because they were the only ones; which always lead to an abusive situation.  

I turned into the 7 year monk.  Every 7 years I would try to date again, thinking this time I would have learned enough to make it work....And it wouldn't and I would spend another 7 years trying to recover from the abuse, alcohol and cigarettes I consumed to try and make it through.

I've only really had one relationship that worked and that lasted 6 months and it was fun and a challenge and everyone thought I was crazy because he was so much younger than I was.  But he got me and he pushed me and we are still amazing friends.

Winter 3 years ago, I was standing in the ocean trying to bring relief to my nerve pinched leg... It was cloudy and cold and I was standing there just pumping hatred and frustration into my being and the sun poked through and was shining down upon me, it was a heavenly moment, and I had one thought sing in my mind, " how can you expect your body to carry you through life when all you do is fill it with hatred, love it and it will bring you to where you need to be."

From that moment on, I have been dedicated to loving myself and discovering the beauty of me, flaws and all.  I have stopped doing things to catch a man's eye; instead I do things to fill my soul and body with warm gooey thoughts of how lucky I am to be able to have this time to understand who I am and what I need to feel fulfilled in my life.  It has brought me to a new level of understanding on who Marco is...

I was afraid to embark on this path, I felt very selfish. The reality is that I am dedicated to making myself shine with the beauty I have always been so afraid to share.  I am always on the verge of stepping out and allowing you to see me fully, something always holds me back and I never get to fully shine.... I am on that edge at this moment and I am asking myself to take that chance and shine, I'm hoping I won't cock block myself this time around...

As I type this, I realize that my cycle is repeating, it is my 7 year mark.  I recognize the pattern and I am letting go of it... I am here, I am full of love and I share my life freely.  Maybe I will get to know the loving touch of a man wanting to be with this freak show queen, maybe my knight will soar in on a unicorn and say he has been looking for me... All I do know is that I see myself and I smile when I look in the mirror knowing that I am doing my best to be my best and glorious self.  I have found the ability to love myself and that is something I had never been

able to achieve before!!