Happy Mid-Summer Festival Time!

"A mid-summer day in a fishing town; tonight we celebrate...."

Those are the opening words to Shanghaied in Astoria our very own local historical melodrama. Tonight is the Queens Coronation for our Scandinavian Queen, sadly it won't be me. I'm too old and I'm not really Scandinavian;)

That didn't stop me and my siblings from getting to be Scandinavian dancers and being part of this amazing bit of Astoria tradition. I was in 6th grade and began as a Nordic dancer and in high school was a Viking dancer. We had rehearsals on Tuesday nights at Shively Hall. I can still hear the music begin as we would practice and learn new dances. The dances told stories of harvests, romance and life. Little man in a fix was always one of my favorites!

Anyway(ssss), this time of year was always exciting! I always loved seeing all of the wild flowers that had been gathered by the princesses to make their boquettes to place under their pillows for dreams of a bright future with a loving man. I always joined in the tradition. I would linger around and 'tidy up' the scraps and sneak some into my blue and gray skor windbreaker for later to place under my pillow to dream of my Scandinavian prince.

The guys, which included me when I was I. High school, got to help with erecting the May pole. It was always just so distracting! All those Scandinavian men yanking the cords together to get the pole in the hole and locked in place. It was almost as satisfying as watching the tug of war between countries!! That was ALWAYS a not to miss event.

My favorite year was the year my BFF got to be Miss Findland (hey girl!!!). She asked me to be her flag bearer, which, let's face it, was the closest I would ever get to being a Scandinavian queen (wink). 

This was 1988, I was working at El Mundo for men in Seaside. I had an amazing out fit of a charcoal silk shirt, camel and black woven linen shorts with a long black bet that knotted and had silver on the tip and black scrunch socks with my penny loafers. It was a very good outfit and with my bleach banged hair and bold hair spray there was noting that could ruin my role.... Until I started sweating... Huge circles under my arms. I looked like I had been carrying a huge wet turkey under each arm....all those people watching. I never had to fight so hard to keep my arms down, me being Italian and 'theatrical' and all.

I digress.. After the queen is crowned, (it went to Iceland because tradition has it that whenever one is actually found she must be honored. My BFF had hands down the best speach and is a Finnish immigrant so really it should have gone to her, but that is my opinion), everyone would go out for the burning of the hexes! This was always my favorite, ever since I was a young boy this was the tradition for me. I remember one of the elders telling me that we burn the hexes as a symbol of things we want to be free from.  I usually burnt 5-12 depending;)

Then, we had the polka dance in the cafeteria and danced the night away. I was on the floor a lot. I loved dancing with the elders and my friends, of course, but I always felt so glamorous with the elders. 

There was this one couple that came from some place out of town; they were always there for the big dance Saturday night. They were both very good looking and two of the most polished performers I had ever seen. I hope they still attend.

Well, there was my friend Kevin that was INCREDIBLE! I always got him to show me moves, especially the hombo ( which I never could get). He was so powerful on the floor and I know he still dances!

It has been a long while since I've been to the festival, kind of broke my heart when it left the high school, never felt the same at the fair grounds. I may get to go this year. If not, I always have the memories in my soul and they pop back to life so fully in my muscle memory every time.

As I was driving out to get my first ever CSA, I had it all flash so strongly in my mind as the fox gloves waved at me as I drove down 202 on my way to 46 north farm.

I love so much that I was raised with the experiences of flower dreams, hexes, May pole dances and friends and family dressed in traditional costume celebrating heritage and pride. It is those conditioning moments and the rest of the life expanding experiences I am fortunate to be able to participate in that cause me to push beyond that which I'm familiar with in order to become more fully who I am.

This year has been huge in the shifting and understanding of who I am. This past week was incredible that way. I discovered that even though I am an open and expressive person, I am very guarded and have physically adjusted my posture to protect and that has lead to some of my chronic pain. I spoke it out loud, I understand what I must do and with this mid-summer as I burn my hexes I hope to allow my walls of protection around my soul to fall so that I may be able to experience my life more fully than ever before!

Astoria, I love you!!!!!

Seeing the 7 year pattern...or.....attempts at love and by love I mean love

So, I'm laid up in the backyard. I sprained my ankle watering the yard. Anyway(sssss), this time of year is always rough on me and every 7 years it is worse because it involves 2 overlapping pasts I have worked through/am working on/will continue to work on until I can recognize the pattern and step beyond.i am going attempt to convey the spiritual side of my being and alittle about my sexual life... The patterns are always swimming in my mind and I see them in my visual world too so finding words is going to be interesting... Here I go:

On any given day at any given moment I can see my life past, present, future and all the paths and connections to everything to it. It's all just there. It's why I'm so good at remembering things. Even though I'm good at letting go of things I still remember them. No hold over me,  just a bit of my history.

I recently mentioned that I am a survivor or rape. This time of year is the 'anniversary' of one of them.  So, I always get a bit reflective about my life. How it makes me feel. How far I've come being able to find love for myself again. This year has been the best yet!! Now, every 7 years, I get courageous enough to open myself up to the possibility of being in a relationship again.  My most successful one was 7 years ago and it lasted 6 months, which is a record for me:)

I've learned a lot. I've let go of a bunch of my fuckedisms.

I see myself. Flaws and all and I like who I am!

Except..this is a strange one to explain..because of all the incredible and close male relationships I have, I have trained myself to be able to disconnect myself from my cock. I severed that desire current so that I could be close without making my friends sexually uncomfortable. Which I know is weird because we are all so odd and sexually perverted and like to talk nasty. It gets awkward but we all know I mean no harm;) It has been my greatest meditation because I could never wish for a more incredible, tough, caring, talented, generous and funny loving group of friends I call my family. We really are so lucky to have what we have y'all!!!! I hope it's not strange that I'm talking about us, but it gets to the root of my issue....hehehe

BELIEVE IT OR NOT... In the not too far past, but far enough to be a memory.... I had the opportunity to hangout with a fella.  I know! Stop the presses....I'm talking about it. I made out with a man and I liked it!!!

And you know, I am one of those fuckers that I get so frustrated with on the daily...I SUCK FACE HARD IN PUBLIC AND MAYBE DO A LITTLE DRY GRIND. I just can't help myself. It's that 7 year itch I just can't get enough and I want to be on and in everything at once past present and future!!!!

Oh, you've maybe seen me do it before...

Well, we end up going to his place and I just get shy, and my 'I' I mean my dick. Oh, it's dripping with excitement it just isn't being given the permission to salute this beauty before me..

All of my training has made it really difficult to pay attention at the best show in town!!! Damnnnnn. I'm actually explaining all this to him as we are on the bed getting it on:) which I'm so proud of the fact I am addressing the issue of my shy penis.

I didn't hear from him again. But I've heard my beating heart and I remember what it feels like to feel alive again.

I'm reminded of the first time I felt after being raped, 12 years of no feeling, I was in Contact Improv. I've mentioned this before. The pattern is so clear and as soon as I can find that last thread connecting my mind to my cock I will be able to step away and be free and visit my 7 year issue no more...

I have my quest! I am a warrior and I will make my way through the terrain of my being and uncover the root and set it free!!! I'm mounting my unicorn and I soar glitter flying everywhere past presnt and future all in one breath.....

The swelling pride within

As pride approaches, I have been given the gift of knowledge of the advocates in my life from way back in Catholic school! I adore finding out parts of my past that affected me, yet I had no part in it at all.

I have a dear friend who I get to see every week or so, if our schedules cross as such. She was a parent at Star of the Sea and one of my ALL time favorite classy ladies ever!!! Anyway(ssssss), awhile back she was telling some girls how important it was to have a best gay friend, they are invaluable, and how my friends were lucky to have me as theirs. I'm the lucky one!! I asked, "ok, so did you know I was gay at Star?"

She laughs at me and replies,"oh honey, you were everyone's special little gay that we all fought so hard to protect." It got me deep...I told her I wish that someone would have let me in on it especially with the weekly reports from the priest about how sinful it was, as well as masterbation and not being a Catholic (that was directed to the 4 or 5 kids that were not Catholic but going to school with us). She said it was a different time and they thought it was better to shield me.. 

So today, I run into a friend who has a class that my favorite teacher from Star takes and they were talking about me.  She said she was the first one to mention something to my parents about the possibility of me being gay.. I acted all cool. I wanted to run home and verify with my mom if it was true.

She can't remember. I am the memory for my family, a role I love and cherish. This is what my mom said: " you have always been you. I only see people that way,

as they are."  I love her so much and it is true... She has always given all of her kids the power and freedom to be themselves, even if we are too afraid to do so.

She asked me many times if maybe I was....gay and I never wanted to disappoint her so I always skewed the truth. I didn't really fully come out to my parents until I was 31 and dating someone in town and wanted them to know first before the gossip bus pulled over to tell them;)

Our lives are our lives and they unfold as they will. I am grateful for how mine has lead me. After this news today, I wonder what my life would have looked like if my parents and my 5th grade teacher would have had that discussion with me... Would I have been brave enough to come out in this little fishing town then? Would I have found more joy? Been willing enough to allow myself to be open and love?

The truth is, it wasn't until winter term of 2001, at the UO, in Contact Improvisation that I understood that I can be touched and supported and loved. That bodies can move in space and spiral and lift and breathe; struggle to reach heights all the while gravity is pulling one towards the earth. It was there I found my heartbeat and I knew that I was finally in my body and free to live my life.

Recently, I have just felt that I am not enough in my life. I was standing and noticed that I could not feel my feet touching the earth. I felt like I just disappoint everyone. My feelings, I know, but I wanted to understand them. What I've gleaned is that I lost contact with myself, I allowed myself to be pulled down in the tides of my emotions and didn't realize all I had to do was stand up.

It is all we really have to do. Stand up. 

And so, I stand as I am, somedays glowing in perfection and other days not so much. I reach into the earth with my feet, to the heavens with my head and to the rest of the directions with my heart. 

Today, I expand my breath, I breathe from the fullness of my heart and move with the grace and beauty of who I am and I move with no other purpose but to be love. 

I used to be straight (continued)

"I had a dream, a dream about pussy, baby"

2 nights ago. I was engaged in the sexual act of eating out and since I've been off of candy, it was a candy pussy with a big old jaw breaker for a clit:) it was kind of a birthday cupcake kind of deal where it was made from red velvet cake and had glittery juicy frosting and that big jaw breaker just glistening in the warm sunlight as the woman it was attached to had her arms tied behind her back and she is encouraging me to give into my cravings and eat my treat like a good little boy.. She knows me all too well, is working her sweet charms on me trying to get me to just lick the clit. I know one taste of sugar and I will eat her cupcake pussy for breakfast, lunch and dinner and all in one chew and swallow the jawbreaker whole. I must be strong!!!

The woman is known to me but her face is never revealed. It's a thing of beauty and a horror all at once. I know I have deep love for this woman but I am unable to fulfill her requests no matter how she begs for it.

The sense of desperation is all too familiar to me. Being the boy that has always craved perfection and approval from my parents, my mother especially, I have always pushed myself to do things to make it all alright and bring a smile to my mothers face.

Don't get me wrong, my parents love me!!! They have put up with my boundary pushing my entire life and I have been pushing that one since I could breathe. Even when I try to do good, I always manage to screw things up, and not in a good way.  The case of my engagement will prove to be such a tale.

In telling this, I mean no disrespect to anyone, it was a very difficult time and many people got wounded along this journey. This is my story and how it went down from my point of view.....

I fell in love with her fast and hard! She was so glamorous, wore Paris, had amazing huge hair and was so caring and sweet and we both smoked the same cigarettes:)

Of course there were major issues: I was Catholic, she was Mormon. We didn't care, but our families did. He mom made THE best tuna casserole!!! Crumbled potato chips and all. Her mom even ironed the sheets before she put them on the bed. It was a dream come true to me. 

I proposed on her 20th birthday at hug point. I packed a picnic in my vintage picnic basket, got a red and white checkered table cloth, champagne and glasses and set out to make the most romantic of gestures to her. Sure we had only been dating two and a half months but I could feel it and I knew it was now or never for me:) looking back, the whole scene was just too gay for words. It worked, she said yes and now what?

Well, her family was pissed; my family was pissed. " how will you raise the babies" "what faith will they be" " our two faiths don't blend well" where will you live" endless litanies were sung on both sides.

There came a point when she moved into our house. I set up my basement room for her and I moved into my brothers room while he was in the hospital dealing with his anorexia.

All at once these things happened:

I apply and get accepted into the Culinary Institute in Ny.

We are both in 42nd Street, the musical 'hello'

She drops out 

I get the lead

We are in family therapy for my brother

I am the cause of his troubles because he saw how everyone treated my from being fat and he never wanted to suffer that

I find his trunk

Each evening went down like this:

I'd get home from work or rehearsal and go down to her room and read The Chronicals of Narnia to her as I let my fingers do the walking. I would say good night and go to my brothers room and open the trunk and unfold the mysteries of gay porn as I turned the pages and allowed my own fingers do the walking.... What was happening to me!? How can this be?! I'm engaged to be married, I can't be gay.... I'll look at just one more magazine befor I go to sleep.. Sleep, yeah right. Tortured hell for me! Visions of hard dicks, furry men and bloody female parts.  I never quite recovered from some of the things I had to do to understand what it was to be a woman. I pulled on a few strings, if you know what I mean and I was all too familiar with Ronald McDonald face:) it got so bad when it was all said and done, I had to take tuna melts off of the menu because it was jus too much for my sensitive nose to bear. Sensitive nose, sensitive nose I had a super sensitive nose ( that is sung I the tune of Becky. Love ya girl!!!)

Back to the routine. I was falling. My world was crumbling and I didn't know how much longer I could keep my soul marble and fake my way through. It was so unfair to everyone. I was tormented and now I find out that my voice isn't strong enough for the high parts so they have another tenor step out and sing with me so I'd be heard (this was pre-body mic days). I was humiliated. Not only could I not fulfill my role as male in my personal life; my stage life was a weak unit too. So miserable.

Anyway, I have a plan materialize during one of my many sleepless nights: we will postpone the wedding until I graduate from culinary school. My speach was something like," we will postpone our wedding until I finish school.  We are both sooo young, you are only 20, let's take the two years, mature and grow and then get married."

She was not happy. Postpone=never baby.

She moved out while I was a work and I came home to a nice long letter. She tore me apart, I deserved it. In the letter she told me I should just tell the truth that I am gay and get on with it. She also said she was keeping the ring and turning it in for one more suitable for her finger. Whatever. I may have ruined her but I was free. Free!! Free, I tell you!

I still don't come out for over a year and a half and my brother does it for me.

I don't see her for a few years and when I do she makes sure I know she was sooo miserable she tried to kill herself. TWICE. I am sorry.  If you already knew I was gay why did it cause you so much pain? Better off without a gay husband, especially in Texas, which is where she ended up.

I've never done well in relationships. My main flaw is that I am a pleaser and will go to all lengths to make others happy. Which is not the key to a good relationship, and something I have been working so hard on overcoming. I have had many many years of therapy to work through my shit and telling this story is allowing me to finally be rid of the weight the pain has had on my being all these years.

I never meant to inflict pain. I never meant to be gay, it's just who I fucking am and I own my shit now:) too late for some things but not all;)

And this concludes my attempts at being straight. From that day forward I swished my gay walk with pride and determination and did so

until I fell on my face. But that is another story..

And the armor falls.....

I was laying poolside in Vegas, frustrated at the state of my finances, weight gain, and new need of reading glasses; surrounded by people who were wandering in control, charging it and maintaining their icy exteriors in the heat.  I was not having a potty party, it was quite the opposite. I was having a mind opening experience! 

I began watching how people moved. Where the weight was placed as they walked, how the arms didn't move and people only breathed from their belly buttons. And I saw it, I saw the answer to one of my life questions that I never have the words for to ask the question, but it is always nagging at me...I need to be free from my drive to control how I present myself. I move with a locked quality that keeps me from my free stride, the stride that gives it all away, my swish, my ' you want some fries with that shake' walk. I have been spending a lot of my time finally looking at myself with my teacher eyes and addressing he issues of my body that I choose to never look at because I generally can't bare to look at myself.

I have been unwinding the twisted spirals my body has fallen into over the years. I am discovering how to stand with my weight on both feet and how good it feels to breathe freely and fully feeling the three dimentional quality I so easily ignore.

The fin piece to the puzzle fell into place as I am watching people move around the pool. People being brave, wearing bait hint suits that they normally won't, all types of bodies there to soak up the warmth and escape the reality of their worlds. Vegas is awesome for that!  At the same time that these people are parading themselves around with the air of ' I don't care what these fuckers think because I'll never see them again' (at least that was playing in my mind) I see the restraint in their movements, arms held at the side, so swing no grace, just bodies moving through space. And that is when it hit me: let go. Stop holding on to the body and not allowing it to swing and ride the currents of the rhythmn of time and space. The final piece, let go and be free. 

It's hard to do, to walk and allow the arms to swing. I tried it out I one of the evenings I was walking on the strip back to Mandalay Bay. I chose not to hold on but to breathe fully, feel my feel against the ground and allow my body to swing gas I went. Felt real good. Then, I noticed I had stopped swinging, back to lockdown walk, tall and graceful true, but no life.

So, I began again being awRe of how I was moving allowing myself to let go even though my subconscious mind was trying to cling to the armor of my frozen gait and in that heat too.

I was starting to get the hang of it and then I heard, ' work it girl' and instead of doing my usual not acknowledging the shout outs and whistles; I did a look back turn and smile and kept the swing alive all the way back home.

By letting that go, I feel softer, more loving and honest than I have ever felt. The trick is to keep it flowing. I like the feeling of the swing when I walk. I like the feeling of filling my lungs full and allowing my soul some sunshine. I feel boundless and I have the attitude of FUCK IT! Not pissed off fuck it, but a fuck it that says fuck it I'm going to have a blast living in this moment and not feel like I need to keep myself compartmentalized so as to not make a ripple. 

I say fuck it to all of my rules that have kept me precise, I want to move like nature, like the wind in a storm at the beach, or across a field in August. I say fuck it to not feeling like I should hold myself back.

I am letting go and the most incredible part is the fact that I feel my heart beating more clearly and honestly than ever before!!

I'll see ya on the streets!!!

I was once straight

I was once straight. No, really I was.  I needed to be. I didn't really come out until I was 21ish, so the years before that I was straight (I know, right). I was even engaged, but I'll save that for another time. I want to tell you about my attempt at being a dude during the spring on 1988.

I was only the city league volleyball team, we liked to party, a lot. I can't really remember why, but we were having a group camping trip out at Fort Stevens and we were tearing it up on the sand hill side of the lake. I had been making my 'moves' on (we will call her 'sweetie') sweetie for awhile and my buddies were pushing me to make the move on her on this trip. I was nervous as fuck. How was I going to do this? I kind of liked her, but only in the regards to her hair and outfits, I was in now way attracted, but I was hopeful that she would be blurred by my charm, Drakkar Noir, and feathered hair... She won't notice the braces or the swish.

I knew I was going to need some liquid courage so I had a buddy buy me a fifth of tequila and a 2 liter of my personal favorite, California Cooler!!! I miss the days of being to buy a 2 liter of a wine cooler! We went out on the rubber boat on the lake and I guzzled the tequila in 3 swigs and started in on the California Cooler, finished that real quick and burped nice and loud, the echo was awesome.

By the time we got back to shore I was feeling G O O D! I mustered up the courage to ask her to go on a walk with me. She said yes. Fuck. Now I will have to go through with it. We are walking along, I am so wasted. I remember going to hold her hand, poor sweetie turned and was all like," what are you doing?"

I was like,'I'm trying to hold your hand...!i want you.... Let's kiss...'

She shoved me with that eew type of energy and was like, 'you are gay.'

WHA. WHA. How could she I'm thinking. My actions were something like: no I'm not! I'm going to grab you and kiss you and prove once and for all that I am straight.  Remember, I'm totally drunk right now. So I go in for the kiss and I know I must have looked the freakish scared and angry boy with braces and feathered hair trying to be straight and wishing I didn't have to go throughwith this but I just needed to.. It was a breaking point for me and probably one of my top ten lowest moments I can kind of remember.

She wiggled and slapped and freaked and called me names so I pushed her into the bushes and turned on my heels and swish staggered back to the group and then all hell breaks loose.

My other friend, "darling" was sitting on a table and was getting in my face about how stupid I was being and how drunk I was and I'm sure a bunch of other shit that I can't remember because I was so drunk. I all I remember was saying I hated her, yelling some more and then we slapped each other and I stormed off heading for the camp site.

I don't know how I made it back, all I remember is crawling and seeing A 12, A 14, A16, A 18, A 20 and then A22.

According to my brother, who had borrowed my car to go cruise the gut it seaside, when he got back he was calling out for me and all he heard was a,"hhheeelllppp mmmeeee" over and over again. I had managed to get into the tent and zip it back up and when he opened it he said I was laying in a sea of vomit. I HAD PUKED EVERYWHERE AND ON EVERYTHING!!!

Next thing I remember was waking up and seeing a huge fire. Oh my fuck they are going to burn me. But no, it was just the bon fire and I was wrapped in vomit soaked sleeping bags and shoved under the picnic table. Perfect. I passed out and woke to the sound of chirping birds and feeling pretty good considering. I snuck out and drove away from my shame.

I was humiliated and since I couldn't remember most things for the next few days, weeks and for some things years, people filled me in and teased me about it all. It was not uncommon to be walking along and hear someone moan out 'hhheeelllppp mmmeeee.' 

I was able to mend some wounds with most people, but I still have never felt good about that situation. I even had several friends 'intervene' and give me the talk about coming out.. Maybe consider the fact I might be gay. Who me? No. Never. I'm straight, I just haven't found the right girl yet. 

Yeah right. But then I did, and a good Mormon girl too. 

A perfect day

Today was THE most perfect day! It started at 8 sitting in the backyard drinking French press and having hash browns and eggs in the sun with Becky. It is my favorite thing, the morning sun and coffee. Astoria is a special place and when the sun is out it just does something to me. The veil of illusion drops and I see clearly and deeply and tap into that earth vibration that just makes me want to strut and skate and hug every person I see..

After breakfast, I began my transformation into Daylight for the last bit of filming Mister Smith had for us to do on the Drag Queen Rap video. I put together a fierce outfit! Acid washed denim elastic waisted coveralls that I turned into hot shorts and sleeveless sexy goodness worthy of a queen:) I always know it is a good outfit when I get a giggle out of Mister Smith. It has become something I strive for:)

He picked me up and we went to the Pacific Pride gas station for some gas pumping good times. I love that I did all this under the Pacific Pride banner in front of the pumps and behind my boom box! The only thing missing was the car. But wait, that will be arriving shortly; in the mean time, Mister Smith filmed me dancing and working it for the camera in the gorgeous sunshine. It was a funny scene as the gas station is open, but it is a self pumper so no employees are there, however, the owner did drive up and ask what we were doing. I introduced myself and Mister Smith and explained what we were doing and he let us continue. 

During one of the takes, we had to stop because two different big rigs pulled up to fuel up.. I just bent down and picked up my boom box and moved out of the way; acting like it was just another day. Which it was!!! This is the way I get to spend my days going out and making music videos in drag!! Love it so..

Eric pulled up in his sexy green machine and we filmed the last bit at the station.

Then, we went back to my place, I slipped into something a bit more comfortable- my sweats and a tank top and off to the beach we went to film the last shot which was of Marco shot dead in the head laying in the sand. We did this at Fort Stevens while other people were enjoying playing on the beach and exploring the sites, I was on my back, with blood dripping from my head. We did stand and take it all in before we left the wonderfully windy beach.

After that adventure, I did another quick change and hustled down to get a quick roller skate in before my afternoon massage. I have been craving a skate with my new skates!! 

I put a skate playlist together and hit the waterfront.  It was perfection! Granted, I felt awkward on the skates being that they were new and it was my first skate since September. I was soaring in the heavens. That is how I feel when I skate. It may be my favorite thing to do. I didn't have time to work on my turns but I skated down to 39th and back to Salon Verve running into many friends along the way! Most of the time it is a high five as we pass but I did manage to get a few hugs too;)

I never tire of looking at the river. It is such a powerful force and so gorgeous and always changing.

After my massage, I headed over the big bridge to hang with some friends and over to their family's house

for dinner. It was such an awesome time! We made these crazy yummy taco salad things that were just what I had been craving but didn't even realize it!

On the drive home, I was on the bridge, Astoria glowing in the distance and the darkness was such a way that it made the road like smoke only being solid directly in my sight line. It was so present. Unfolding as I needed it. I felt so supported in a moment when it looked like I was surrounded by nothingness. 

What a day! I am so lucky to get to live in the truth of the moment and within the openness and honesty of my soul and I am so gratefull to every person that I get to spend moments with in paradise. Here is to a fabulous spring!!!

Candy Whore

I am a candy whore!! I mean it! I have always craved candy... As Willie Nelson would say, "you are always on my mind" 

I can remember as far back as being an altar boy at Saint Mary's ( I know right! Me growing up in Saint Mary's... Hey girl) and one Sunday- now this was back pre-braces, buck toothed, chub rub Mark with the shiny feathered hair- I am ringing the bells for the offering and all I can do is think about how good the Bit-O-Honey is going to taste in my mouth when I can get home to it.... My mouth was so wet, dripping and I was distracted; so much so I remember Father Alstock having to look back at me because I missed my cue for the raising of the chalice. I was so embarrassed to miss my cue my chubby cheeks got even rosier;)

Anyway, I have had a very long and secret, and not so secret love affair with candy. Many if you know my favorites (ranked in no particular order): peanut M and M, starburst, sour patch kids, Swedish fish, Salmaiki; milk duds, licorice, reces peanut butter cups, jugyfruits, kit kat, snickers, lemon heads, dots.... I LOVE me some candy!!!!

You all have seen me eat candy, we share it often... Oh, the risen are my favorite mouth wetting candy for sure!!  But that is only the amount I want you to see. For everything I have eaten with you I guarantee I have snuck more before we got together just to make sure I could control myself around you, especially in public.

Some days, I can eat up to 3 candy full package items within a single sitting:) my favorite combo is usually: sour patch kids, watermelon sour patch kids and peanut m and m... I will eat one full package of the sour patch kids and start in with the m and m before we get home from the store; then I open the other sour patch kid and switch between the two packs until they are gone.

When I lived in New York in the 1990's, we lived in a 4 story brownstone walk up on 56th and 9th. There was a store 3 doors from our entrance and every day when I walked by on my way home I would pick up cigs and candy to bring home; only I would buy extra that I would cram eat before I got to the front door of the building so I wouldn't have to let my room mates know how much candy I really ate. This was a daily event. I am a candy WHORE!

Working at the Columbian Cafe is the worst because I have the snack bar right there and I hear it call my name while I am working in the cafe. On a good day I will escape with just a little box of lemon heads; on a bender day it's a box of those while I decide what else I should take which usually ends in a snickers (now that they come divided in 2 it makes it so easy to share) I eat one half and will cut the other half into slices to share and I'll put a box of m and m's in my pocket to snack on while I get ready to prepare really fresh yummy food...something I'm kind of known for...

My friend Chris laughed at me when I was explaining my situation and embarrassment tonight after work. I'll try to get it right (but I can't type as well as he tells a story): " dude. You are saying that you are embarrassed to have people know how much candy you have? You who isn't shy about anything are covering this up... That is fucked up... I condensed the story.

I'm like, "yeah, I'm embarrassed about how much candy I sneak and I have recognized my pattern and I am stopping it. I am remembering that I feel best when I eat well, make my food, juice my juice and lay off the fucking C.A.N.D.Y. Baby!!!!" 

I am taking control and ridding myself of the burden of hiding all that candy mouth dumping by not doing it any more.

Don't get me wrong, I will still enjoy candy, I just won't be a whore for it and hide my obsession;) I will enjoy it less frequently and maybe more in the form of chocolate that is salty and rich...

Now, next I need to curb my desires for those damn blended coffee drinks.. I just can not help myself and I really do think havin two in one day is a bit much;) probably 6 a week is too many too. Seriously, I have an issue with these tasty sweet treats.

It's like when I decided I wanted to start eating more healthy and work off some of the Oreo, toasted graham cracker with peanut butter, marshmallow peanut butter and chocolate chip melted in the microwave mixed with frosted flakes with heavy cream that I had been accumulating... I decided to eat only things from the farm; so I started eating mostly cheese, butter (which had to be sliced as thick as cheese), eggs and milk.. I was soo gassy... Which remindes

me of my Star of the Sea fart story in the 7th grade while listening to Noah's Arc as told by Bill Cosby on the record player- but I'll save that for another time;)

Back to me, the candy whore, I am rinsing my shit out and getting it tight again so I can roll on the water front in my new skates without "rolling" down the water front... Know what I mean baby;) 

Today was my 4th day without candy.  It is tough. I was in the cafe tonight and I had to ignore the call. I've told Josh to not let me go in the theater for candy.. He can totally keep me out of there!! Love you all!!!! Type at you later! If you see me out and about say hey and give me a hug:)

Love, 

Daylight

The Alley Way

Today has been such an ultimate treat! I was given one of those moments I will cherish for years:) we are in the process of filming the Drag Queen Rap music video; we will be sharing it at the August 8 DRAGALUTION!! Colin Smith had a vision and we are role playing it for the camera.

Back to today, we filmed the "alley" scene. You know, the one by Erickson's Floral and Paramount Drugs. The scene opens with 3 of the kings playing dice and then Daylight, that's me, appears and a whole scene, including a slap across the face happens. Well, it's a public thouroughfare and there was some foot traffic and someone called the cops. 

Just minutes before a few cast members suggested it would be funny to go across the way and film people and their reactions as I stand on the corner looking like a hooker and see how long it takes the cops to show up ..

The camera is rolling, dice are being rolled, money tossed and me standing like a hooker and the cops appear just like that!!! It was so awesome:) apparently someone called in that gambeling  was going on in the alley! Then, another cop car pulled up and they were there for part of the filming.

Everyone was really nice. We just told them we were filming a video and he smiled and left us to it.

Throughout the shoot, people came by to see what was happening; shop owners came out and said, "hi" and blew kisses. Tourists even stopped and asked to take photos.  I love Astoria so much!!!

After all the group filming was done, Colin Smith and I did some solo shots ( no not that kind of a solo shot) of Me walking the streets of Astoria. We were in front of the Wet Dog, I was staring pensively into the grease waste dumpster-searching the meaning on life and being sad that the answers were not there....a car pulls up and a sweet older couple ask if they could capture my photo.. Well, of course.. The man says, " now give me a nice big smile honey." Took the photo then said," you are beautiful." And he blew me a kiss as he drove away. 

While all this is happening we have all the families, in the Wet Dog,

rubbernecking from their seats to watch the show; especially as I walk down the slippery dock to the next spot.

The best was standing on the corner of 10th and Marine Drive and hitch hiking with my thumb out and flirting with the passing spring break traffic. It was awesome! The double takes and giggles made my heart swell. I was truly doing my part as gayor of Astoria by boosting their spirits or boiling blood as they drove through our fair city.

I totally missed it, because I was waving to passing cars on our walk back, but the guests in Himani were doing that classic group take as someone passes; can't block shit that perfect;)

Anyway, of course I was totally nervous being out in broad daylight, the shroud of darkness is always so much more comforting to walk around in; but I had such a grand time and as I type this I feel so fortunate to live in such an incredible place and get to be surrounded by art forward, smart, crazy loving people that come out and encourage this old queen to keep it up, and by up I mean the work;).

True confessions

Hey y'all!! So, I'm laying in bed thinking about my life, visualizing the show in August, pondering the awesomeness of the music video we are filming right now; realizing how lucky I am to get to live the life I get to live and giggling about how silly I can be:) 

Some nights, when I can't sleep, I picture myself standing on the back porch of 1435 3rd, my childhood home, and I will kind of run glide to the edge of the forest and do a visual tour of the forts we built, the meditation field of lilly of the valley with my meditation bench where I would go and sit alone and pray like the good little boy I was (wink). We had 3 forts as a neighborhood and then I had two separate ones I had for myself because sometimes I just needed to get away from everyone and silence my demons so that I could continue to be the good little boy.. I love this visual tour. That forest was our second home. 

Sometimes I go through each room of the house and picture myself standing in the kitchen, looking out at the raspberry bushes as I wait for my chocolate chip, marshmallow and peanut butter to stop spinning in the microwave so I can eat my post paper route treat..

I go to many places like this, homes I have had in my life and remember the lessons and the sensations of how my life felt.

Tonight ( I'm sharing this next part with you because I was thinking of telling it at the show but I'd love your opinion on whether I should tell it or not) , my story takese back to when I moved back from New York in 1996, I had my great apartment across the street from Star of the Sea, I had Stella, my mannequin and sounding board for my life and the River Theater was being formed and I was on the team to bring the Summerstock season to life! It was such an awesome time and one that I block out because of how embarrassed I was from that time in my life. 

As many of you know, I enjoy the party, back then I did quite a bit. On opening night, I decided to party it up:) I put on my black vynl pants, my black mesh shirt, body glitter, platform shoes and a lot of gel in my hair... I was one fierce club kid stepping out to party in my home town and Stella approved;)

Well, I may have drank too much and maybe took a pain pill for extra fun... I went to the cafe to have Uriah prepare me a prawn meal and partake in some red wine, this was pre-voodoo room cafe, so cocktails were not an option.. Then, I made my way to the theater for the show....

Got there in time for the opening of the doors and the mingling with all the fun people out to celebrate...

I'm getting to my true confession and the embarrassing and stupid and strange thing I have done..... Don't hate me.. Please...remember I was young and returning from a lot of hurt and facing the pain of my past and trying to find courage to try and live true.... Interesting fact: even though I was like TOTALLY  gay, I still was not comfortable with it and I tried to keep a lid on something that I couldn't contain, but I tried because I just really wanted to make my parents happy, because I was a good little boy.

Here we go:

So I go over to the bar next door to have more drinks with my friends and we are sitting at the table that is visible right when a person walks in.. Well, I'm going on and on because I'm drunk and the pill, I love to call her Vicki, ( this is also the part of the story when I start laughing as I tell it mostly because I amSO stupid) was starting to say hey. I'm in the middle of a sentence and all of a sudden my head is springing up and back really fast, what the fuck.... My friends were all, " are you ok?" " you just hit your head to the table and sprang back up." 

I'm all yeah I'm fine.... Then it happens again only I go flying back in my chair having a fucking pass the fuck out kind of seizure thing that is so frightening when someone is having to watch it.... I feel so terrible still for putting those of you that were there through that... I come to and I'm on the floor and everyone is hovering over me saying that the ambulance is on the way... No fucking way. Fuck times 5000 is running through my brain as I'm trying to think of a way out of this situation. I blurt out (and I do this because I don't want anyone to know of the drugs I was on), " I think I'm allergic to the shrimp I just are and it's making me sick, please grab someone from next door and they can just drive me home.... No way I was getting in that ambulance... I was being driven away as we saw the lights approaching... I was humiliated... But not as much as the next day when people started coming over to bring me treats and take care of me as I recovered from being sick from the shrimp. I couldn't tell the truth.... I was too ashamed.  I wasn't able to really ever show my face I the bar again.. I went back much later, months, but I never felt comfortable because of what I had put the employees and my friends through.

I dedicated myself to my role of being allergic to shellfish, I added crab as a punishment, as well as even making sure I lived the lie to myself- I never once cheated in these 17 years of the lie. Even when I moved away and started over in other places I maintained that lie because I could not live with the humiliation of what I had done and how I lied to make myself look less bad. I am one stupid mother fucker.

Just this year, I was faced with a situation where I was with some people in a terribly frightening and awkward situation and the truth came out. In that moment I realized that I could lie no longer.  My curtain came down and I was able to leave the role behind..

What drives one to do such a thing? Wouldn't I have been much better off telling the truth and saving the whatever it may be that I thrust on all those people? And why on earth was it a good idea to live the lie for 17 fucking years??

Finally telling the truth on that was huge. After the first time of revealing the truth, I did go to some friends and tell them I really could eat shrimp and went through with it and told the story, the true story. I have many friends that tease me about it, testing me in public because I'm still uncomfortable with confronting the truth of my situation.... I take it because I've earned the jokes.

I lived that lie almost as long as the lie of being straight;) that one went on into the 20+ year mark;)

I feel comforted and nervous sharing this darkness with you, but I am working at being a more open, loving and honest human so it's best to just be done with it.. It was my past and I have finally had the foresight to let go of the lie and step forward on my path of playful benediction.

I really do hope you will still want to be my friend and celebrate this life, this now with me!

I send out my deepest heartfelt apologies to anyone I hurt through this time in my life...

Humbly and yours always,

Daylight