On the couch post DRAGALUTION

Getting to August 8 was one of the most difficult journeys of my life. I was physically unable to walk weeks leading to the show and was set free from the pain long enough to take to the streets and the stage only to be cast back upon the golden green cushions on my couch. It has been here, stranded in my home, that I have come to face myself for the first time in my life. Fully and without recoil. I've had a huge revelation. It is a multi-fold revelation. I've glimpsed a few aspects of it all. I will start with this reoccurring flashback to my 11th year which almost seamlessly works into another aspect of my unfolding.

The flashback:

I know I've shared this before, so I'll fast forward through it. A summer birthday party 1980. All of the kids ( a combo of 4 or 5 Catholic families so usually enough for 2 teams) are playing football on the side yard. Well, all but me.... I'm too fat. I'm too slow. I always drop the ball. I run like a girl. There were always a multitude of reasons why I didn't get to play. I'm sitting on the brick wall by the kitchen eating an ice cream come cupcake when one of the moms asked why I wasn't playing. I told he. Next thing: the kids are being told that if they don't play with me, they will be punished...OR ELSE! 

From that day on, I knew that all the kids were just being nice to me.. OR ELSE. Here is where I discovered the root of the chip on my shoulder my mother always refered to. I just never saw it until yesterday.

I realized that was when I started pushing more fiercely than ever before. I went way over the too just to see how far they would go to avoid the OR ELSE. In many ways, it is what pushed me to be a leader. Being in a small town, I figured all the kids were given the OR ELSE memo. I worked hard to be on top only because it kept me from facing the reality that I was just 'chub rub Davis' who no one wanted on their team.

I do not begrudge the path. I am grateful for how I had to climb above it all. The thing I realize it has done is to condition me to always push, generally, the line. By doing that push, no matter how much I grew from it, I have isolated myself in a way that I can love without letting it sink into me.

I've been melting these past few years. I understand aspects of my resistance to intimacy in friendships and in sexual ways too. I see that I've pushed myself to be so self-propelling that I have made it nearly impossible to have space within my soul in order to never be picked again. This drive became my own OR ELSE.

Now, don't think that I have not had close loving relationships because I have so many of them. I've just never allowed them to penetrate into my soul for fear of being vulnerable and to be seen completely.

The thing is, it is I who has not seen. I've spent the last 34 years never looking at myself, only aspects of the whole. You, my friends, have taught me to do that through my journey as Daylight. Crazy. Right?!

This leads me to my next revelation:

Because of the

OR ELSE, I went places in my life I never would have gone. I had to face my fears so that no one would find my weakness. I have challenged, you, my friends from my boundary pushing. Y'all have seen me through so many phases of self expression and explosion. You have seen me through serious drinking and abusive relationships; MFA and NYC; platform shoes, mannequins, body glitter, blonde hair, red  hair, black hair to no hair. And most recently, as a big-ol-queen in a small fishing town and you support me, and love me and that has caused the shift for me. YOU HAVE BROUGHT ME TO MYSELF.

This rebel has come home and realized that it is time to allow you in. I will not push any longer. I will open and allow you within. I am ready to share myself with you. I can not thank you enough for sticking with me and pushing me to see myself. I feel as if the shell of my persona has finally split and has started to allow the essence of my being to take root and grow within the glowing light of your unrelenting affection. With an open heart I breathe my light fully for you.

Forever yours,

Daylight

Post Regatta

What an incredible weekend!!! I always get so nervous before a show and start to doubt every breath I take. This show in particular has really put me through my paces as a director, but more importantly as a performer.  I had to stop myself, almost every day, from canceling the show. It is just so hard on my body and I was not about to give up the heels;) and Daylight has so much to teach me. Mostly, grace under pressure..

Yes, it is true, I was having my very own pity party; I tried keeping it contained mostly in my head, but it made it's way to the surface on more than one occasion. The worst was two weeks from the show and me unable to walk. I had to cancel an entire week of work, hobble or crawl and just lay around doing nothing; which is something I am NOT very good at. I like keeping busy and being active in the community.

The months leading up to this week of collapse were heavy and heart sick months. I was not able to be as active as I like, my ass was falling, by belly growing and my hair getting thinner. Not to mention, that I was just not feeling worthy of much.

Then, like a flash of lightening, or an elk running in front of your racing car at midnight , I woke up and realized how I was forgetting my mission. I lost sight of the DRAGALUTION. How can I stand up and speak about taking chances and embracing who you are in the moment if I am picking myself apart in my mind and letting those picks fester like invisible leprosy covering my entire being. Consuming me from the inside out.

That is not what Daylight would have me do. Oh no, oh hell no. She would make me dress it up and get the fuck out of the house and walk it off. I HEARD HER YELLING, "WALK IT OF DAVIS, WALK IT OFF."

And I did just that!! Well, it was more of a crawl still. I started devising how the show would be if I was still in this condition.

My first move was to keep the rehearsals and really work with my stars to help them shine more brightly and without having to depend on me for visual reference. That week really was what we needed to take our show to the next level. It gave the cast the confidence in the movement to own their own steps and not to rely on me for what comes next!!!!

I had already re-worked the show with me and a walker, still in the heels of course, but it would have made the show much more comedic, which is a fabulous thing (and I almost did it even though I got my full range of motion back)..

That same week we were being interviewed by the Coast Weekend for the cover story on Regatta weekend; an enormous honor, especially with the editor herself writing it!!

And.... That very week the Conversation with Matt hit cyber space and it got my whole psychic being fluttering out of control.

I mean, I know I love this community, but hearing myself talk about it really hit home, my home town Astoria, Oregon!!

And that very week I got all of the paperwork in and filed to run for Ciry Council for Ward 3!!  THIS HAS ME VERY EXCITED!!! I will be making a public statement shortly (wink)...

And then, that same week, I got an award from Basic Rights Oregon for being a movement maker in our community!!!

I was feeling blissed out and so loved and supported.

It really is what gives me the strength to do what I do and to shine as I shine. Without the love and support from the people that reach out and touch my life and soul from all slopes of this planet, especially the ones in this community, I would not have nearly the courage I do to step out as I must.

Some say that me being a drag performance artist is going to be a huge road block on my path to City Council. My response is that I'm living my life in the open. I am not hiding anything about who I am as a community member. It is only one aspect of what I do. 

Anyway(ssss), the week of the show, I feel like a million bucks! The show is looking so tight and the music video is looping on my under eye lids, begging to be watched over and over again..... I love you Coln Smith and your vision and that we speak the same kind of art!!!!!

The night of the show, we are getting ready to shine. Friends are coming over to have help with their looks for the show and raise a glass of good cheer. One of my favorite parts is the 'parade' walk from our house to the theater!!! I think we had like 30 with us this year! As we approach the theater, the line has already begun and we mingle and hug as we make our way to back stage.

For this show, I did a few things differently, the big one was to have us all mingle pre-show and actually start our performance from the house and bring them all with us, energetically, back to the stage as we opened with 'hard cock life' a personal favorite!!

The other thing was that we had a few information tables in the lobby. One selling raffle tickets for the new teen center and the other for the Q center we will be opening in town!!! These are things that are needed in our town, things that have not really been supported in years past. It was a really good thing and both groups got their word out. That really is what it's all about... Being aware of what our community needs and working at making it happen. We can do anything when we work together...

And that is what DRAGALUTION is all about!! It's about loving one another despite our differences and to shine as brightly as we can as often as we feel comfortable doing so!!

It was evident Friday night, that OUR community is into it.. Almost every single person in the sold out theater was in costume!!!! That made my heart swell!

It was such an incredible night, so much overflowing love coming from every direction!

Then.... The Regatta Parade... We kind of got to lead the way, being at the front and all!!! We had a bubble machine and 46 North Farms supplied me with a ton of flower petals that we scattered as we fluttered through town, picking up people that wanted to join our celebration along the way.....

It's Monday, my body feels like I just got home from I don't know what but it kicked my ass;) and all I can do is smile and sink in to the joy I feel knowing we are all on the same page and so ready to be in this space together, helping one another grow, share and understand something greater than

us alone.

I am stronger from your love.

I thank you for supporting us and joining us on our DRAGALUTION !!!

I am always here for you

Ready to lend a hand

Give a hug

Lift you up!!

I am yours completely,

Daylght

Before the parade passes by

Regatta is just a few weeks away!!!! Last year, DRAGALUTION had a float in the Regatta parade and we won Presidents choice!!! It was quite the fluttering of emotions that day. I have the trophy hanging in the drag lab and each time I look at it I remember how exciting it was to put myself out there with my friends and allow everyone to see us in our happy glory; expressing our inner sparkle and waving at our friends and families as we rolled on by. It reminds me that everyday can feel that alive. All I have to do is bring it.

I signed up DRAGALUTION for a float again this year! And then I hesitated. You may wonder why. Well, let me tell you. I was told we could do the parade again but there could be no puffy vagina shirt and it can't say daylight cums because that is too offensive. Ok....I said thanks for letting me know and I just chose not to react to the situation. I thought about it a lot. " Nobody sensors me" was looping through my head. 

All of a sudden, I flash back to country fair about 6 years ago when I was wandering around in the dark and this army of white floating orbs came bouncing by being carried by people dressed in white satin with black balls clown suits and this woman was wandering with them shushing people loudly so that everyone would be quite as we watched the white balls bounce.... WELL... I was having none of that. No one shushes me I muttered to my friends as I took off running through the bouncing balls with my kimono fluttering behind me as I was consumed with uncontrollable laughter...

And then, I was pulled back to my present thought of just not doing the parade this year. This debate went on for a month. Mostly in my head but I did talk about it too because I just found it so silly. Maybe because I just didn't see anything wrong with the big pink fuzzy vagina. Most of us came out of one, it's familiar. The cums I get totally. Honestly, we didn't even have that until the last minute when a sign was made to stay 'DRAGALUTION' and the website: www.daylightcums.com was written in maybe 2 inch high letters at the bottom.

People don't get bothered or offended by men with guns marching down the streets but the gay guy with the fuzzy vagina that is just wrong. Wrong. Wrong I tell you:)

No one mentioned that it was the first time drag queens were in the parade, and we won. Nope. Just the fuzzy vagina. I think it is kind of sweet. 

The first thing you should know is I never set out to offend. I may enjoy pushing buttons and make people pause and think, but never offend. And the person and buttons I push the most are mine. It is no easy thing to walk out and be me. I get scared a lot, but I will not let that stop me. And being a big ol queen takes a whole other set of balls and they don't usually feel too good;)

Anyway(sssss), we are doing the parade!! There will be no fuzzy vagina or cums.  Our float is even better than last year and our dance will be more open and loving than you can possibly imagine. 

This float is about our DRAGALUTION, about our courage to march to the beating of our drums and allowing people to drink in our beauty no matter how shy or awkward we may feel. As always, I open my arms in invitation, if you feel like you want to sparkle with us in the parade, come join us in celebration of everything fabulous in our town!!! If you need help with costumes, Garbo's Vintage in Astoria is Co-sponsoring the parade and if you go in and mention you want to join us she will give you a deal!!!! 

I am just so excited about these next few weeks and getting to share some time with you all!! Catch you out there 

Love,

Daylight

My OCF upgrade

I have been trying to wrap my brain around the soul shift I have experienced this past week at the Oregon Country Fair.  I had anticipated the reunion with my fair family and was so anxious to have the time to reconnect with my essence.  For myself, going to the fair is being given the opportunity to shine more brightly than I normally get to and to flutter as I wish I could on a daily basis.

I went down a few days early so I could meet with some mentors and guides of my own and get some perspective. Monday evening, while visiting with a very dear friend and talking about a few others over whiskey and ginger, I was able to talk about my friend Jack Watson and how much I loved working with him and the wonderful shows we built together. 

The following morning I found out that he had passed on that night....I....he taught me so much and trusted in my strange and odd movement choices for choreography:) 

I had a coffee date with another guide and while sharing our stories several people that I worked with along side of Jack happened to come in and we were able to pay him tribute and share our loss together. 

I spent a lot of my pre-fair prep waiting for others to get their things done so that we could go and prepare for an intense undertaking for this year. Namely, we were taking over a very popular coffee booth for this year because it's organizer had passed on two weeks prior to the fair. It was exciting and so sad all in the same breath. 

The thing that go me was that not many people had heard of her passing so as we were building a new counter, rethinking the space and trying to keep our shit together on the cusp of a full moon in an incredible world known as the fair, we had to watch faces shift from pure joy to wavering and heart sick sorrow and shock. The falter and faint is always hard for me...having grown up in a household of underlying sorrow and being an altar boy at funerals I have learned to be around people in total grief. I learned not to react as I held the plate under quivering chins of mascara smeared faces walking two by two to receive communion. I learned to be ok with not being scared to death walking into the nursing home every weekend to see my grandma, I was taught to be a caregiver from a very young age and I have always lived to be of service to anyone in need. It is a gift I cherish deeply.

So, my fair went in a completely different direction than I thought it would. The crazy thing was that I was surrounded by so much tension and sorrow and all I had within me to give was joy. I was so full of love and patience and calm. It was the strangest thing, really it was.

And.... Our booth was a TOTAL UPGRADE!!! We had a balcony that was so cool.  My favorite part was on Saturday sitting up there with Melanie, Lillian and many other friends and blasting people down below with squirt guns filled with ice water to cool them off on the extremely hot day. People begged for it! Then, there was the fishing pole that we attached cookies to and had people catch them with their mouths. It was AWESOME and it made so many people stop, look up, participate and laugh.

Friday was incredible too! I got all Daylight dressed up, I even wore my heels for many hours and fluttered thorough the masses of people. I stood for many photos and had shared moments with hundreds of people, all of whom hugged this big old queen wandering the forest in search of other like minded spirits; I was surrounded.

The one thing that played over and over in my mind was a fight my mom and I had my summer before my senior year of high school. She told me I just walk around with this huge chip on my shoulder and I just need to let go of it. Hadn't thought of that in many years, and while I was strolling I tried to recall what put that chip there.

You see, the chip was really a means of hiding all of the pain and suffering I was going through because I couldn't stand the thought of making my mother worry or suffer any more than she already had.

I couldn't let her know I was being beaten up every day at school, that I was afraid for my life to be anywhere alone and that I not sure how I could possible survive another day in this scary world. 

So for me, the fair has always been my time to go and find a deeper means of strength so that I can be fueled up and have the strength and courage to stand within my being and shine without shame. This is no easy feat. Shame has been the under layer to most of the outfits of my life and in that forest I don't need my under things of shame.

This fair was a big one for me. I stepped way beyond any place I had ever hoped to be able to. I swished my little gay ass through that wonderful maze of people and I shared myself eye to eye and heart to heart with everyone.

And I realized that my DRAGALUTION is just such a mission in life. It is about finding the courage to be and to be fierce and fabulous and raw and beautiful and dirty and free and open and alive and peaceful.  We are so blessed to get to share our lives together, highs and lows and to listen, observe, participate and grow. I want you to see me in all of my light and darkness. I want to share my humanity and my mystical magical spirited self with you, everyday. 

All my love,

Daylight

Oregon Country Fair is calling

It's that time of year when my spirit gets really excited about making its journey to the Oregon Country Fair to re-charge and flutter with other spirits of the worlds:)

I always have a sign. It is a dragonfly. For the last year one finds me and spends a bit of time circling me and it's wing vibrations hit my ear drum with a, "we are so excited to be with you again! May you find what you are in search of and my the light always shine upon you." I get chills and warm and gooey each time it happens:)

This year, not only did I have an excited circling of dragonflies, yes plural, all vibrating the same thing, "Daylight... Daylight... It's important for you to be there this year. Bring your wings and fly with the Elders." I also unwrapped a perfectly preserved dragonfly from my head of butter lettuce that my friend, Teresa at 46 North Farm, had cut for me. He is proudly being held by a piece of amathyst on my altar.

Then, Isa stopped me the other day asking if she could use a pair of my wings at fair for her lawn dance with the elders at opening!!! Ah, the Universe does unfold in the most glorious ways. I was already planning on bringing my gold wings, and now I shall bring a few more and flutter with the Elders:) as you wish.

The fair has always assisted in helping me break free of the constraints I have about my image, spirit and the general way I find to hide myself from a true full view of who I really am. I am accepting the shadows of my being, they help me to see the glorious beauty of my light. What I love best is the open eye contact and heart to heart hugs without keeping the pelvis suspended behind, held by a fish hook in midair. We all know that hug. We want to embrace, but we keep our root chakra out of the way because we have been conditioned to keep those from getting near another. Heaven forbid there be actual contact. I have been a pro with this embrace for years. It's only been in the past 10 years that I have stopped holding back I my hugs. And I giggle each time I have a new hug do that... It is just so sweet and innocent in so many ways.

The fair is also where I learned to feel comfortable with my shirt off, especially while sitting down. And the last time I was there I went to the Ritz with my best friend Melanie and her daughter Lilian and we steamed and showered together with the rest of our fair family and it was one of the most soul cleansing, body opening experiences of my life. I can't even begin to tell you:)

Anyway(sss), this year, I have no expectations. I am not going to try to relive any particular moment. I will do as the dragonfly whispered, I will bring Daylght and together we will flutter or spirit song amongst the spirits of the fair and keep our hearts and eyes open as the path opens before us!!!

If you are at fair, I hope our paths cross so we can have a heart to heart hug and giggle. I'll be over by the liberty cup if you care to ask around.... Or follow the beat, we will collide.

Love,

Daylight

Happy Mid-Summer Festival Time!

"A mid-summer day in a fishing town; tonight we celebrate...."

Those are the opening words to Shanghaied in Astoria our very own local historical melodrama. Tonight is the Queens Coronation for our Scandinavian Queen, sadly it won't be me. I'm too old and I'm not really Scandinavian;)

That didn't stop me and my siblings from getting to be Scandinavian dancers and being part of this amazing bit of Astoria tradition. I was in 6th grade and began as a Nordic dancer and in high school was a Viking dancer. We had rehearsals on Tuesday nights at Shively Hall. I can still hear the music begin as we would practice and learn new dances. The dances told stories of harvests, romance and life. Little man in a fix was always one of my favorites!

Anyway(ssss), this time of year was always exciting! I always loved seeing all of the wild flowers that had been gathered by the princesses to make their boquettes to place under their pillows for dreams of a bright future with a loving man. I always joined in the tradition. I would linger around and 'tidy up' the scraps and sneak some into my blue and gray skor windbreaker for later to place under my pillow to dream of my Scandinavian prince.

The guys, which included me when I was I. High school, got to help with erecting the May pole. It was always just so distracting! All those Scandinavian men yanking the cords together to get the pole in the hole and locked in place. It was almost as satisfying as watching the tug of war between countries!! That was ALWAYS a not to miss event.

My favorite year was the year my BFF got to be Miss Findland (hey girl!!!). She asked me to be her flag bearer, which, let's face it, was the closest I would ever get to being a Scandinavian queen (wink). 

This was 1988, I was working at El Mundo for men in Seaside. I had an amazing out fit of a charcoal silk shirt, camel and black woven linen shorts with a long black bet that knotted and had silver on the tip and black scrunch socks with my penny loafers. It was a very good outfit and with my bleach banged hair and bold hair spray there was noting that could ruin my role.... Until I started sweating... Huge circles under my arms. I looked like I had been carrying a huge wet turkey under each arm....all those people watching. I never had to fight so hard to keep my arms down, me being Italian and 'theatrical' and all.

I digress.. After the queen is crowned, (it went to Iceland because tradition has it that whenever one is actually found she must be honored. My BFF had hands down the best speach and is a Finnish immigrant so really it should have gone to her, but that is my opinion), everyone would go out for the burning of the hexes! This was always my favorite, ever since I was a young boy this was the tradition for me. I remember one of the elders telling me that we burn the hexes as a symbol of things we want to be free from.  I usually burnt 5-12 depending;)

Then, we had the polka dance in the cafeteria and danced the night away. I was on the floor a lot. I loved dancing with the elders and my friends, of course, but I always felt so glamorous with the elders. 

There was this one couple that came from some place out of town; they were always there for the big dance Saturday night. They were both very good looking and two of the most polished performers I had ever seen. I hope they still attend.

Well, there was my friend Kevin that was INCREDIBLE! I always got him to show me moves, especially the hombo ( which I never could get). He was so powerful on the floor and I know he still dances!

It has been a long while since I've been to the festival, kind of broke my heart when it left the high school, never felt the same at the fair grounds. I may get to go this year. If not, I always have the memories in my soul and they pop back to life so fully in my muscle memory every time.

As I was driving out to get my first ever CSA, I had it all flash so strongly in my mind as the fox gloves waved at me as I drove down 202 on my way to 46 north farm.

I love so much that I was raised with the experiences of flower dreams, hexes, May pole dances and friends and family dressed in traditional costume celebrating heritage and pride. It is those conditioning moments and the rest of the life expanding experiences I am fortunate to be able to participate in that cause me to push beyond that which I'm familiar with in order to become more fully who I am.

This year has been huge in the shifting and understanding of who I am. This past week was incredible that way. I discovered that even though I am an open and expressive person, I am very guarded and have physically adjusted my posture to protect and that has lead to some of my chronic pain. I spoke it out loud, I understand what I must do and with this mid-summer as I burn my hexes I hope to allow my walls of protection around my soul to fall so that I may be able to experience my life more fully than ever before!

Astoria, I love you!!!!!

Seeing the 7 year pattern...or.....attempts at love and by love I mean love

So, I'm laid up in the backyard. I sprained my ankle watering the yard. Anyway(sssss), this time of year is always rough on me and every 7 years it is worse because it involves 2 overlapping pasts I have worked through/am working on/will continue to work on until I can recognize the pattern and step beyond.i am going attempt to convey the spiritual side of my being and alittle about my sexual life... The patterns are always swimming in my mind and I see them in my visual world too so finding words is going to be interesting... Here I go:

On any given day at any given moment I can see my life past, present, future and all the paths and connections to everything to it. It's all just there. It's why I'm so good at remembering things. Even though I'm good at letting go of things I still remember them. No hold over me,  just a bit of my history.

I recently mentioned that I am a survivor or rape. This time of year is the 'anniversary' of one of them.  So, I always get a bit reflective about my life. How it makes me feel. How far I've come being able to find love for myself again. This year has been the best yet!! Now, every 7 years, I get courageous enough to open myself up to the possibility of being in a relationship again.  My most successful one was 7 years ago and it lasted 6 months, which is a record for me:)

I've learned a lot. I've let go of a bunch of my fuckedisms.

I see myself. Flaws and all and I like who I am!

Except..this is a strange one to explain..because of all the incredible and close male relationships I have, I have trained myself to be able to disconnect myself from my cock. I severed that desire current so that I could be close without making my friends sexually uncomfortable. Which I know is weird because we are all so odd and sexually perverted and like to talk nasty. It gets awkward but we all know I mean no harm;) It has been my greatest meditation because I could never wish for a more incredible, tough, caring, talented, generous and funny loving group of friends I call my family. We really are so lucky to have what we have y'all!!!! I hope it's not strange that I'm talking about us, but it gets to the root of my issue....hehehe

BELIEVE IT OR NOT... In the not too far past, but far enough to be a memory.... I had the opportunity to hangout with a fella.  I know! Stop the presses....I'm talking about it. I made out with a man and I liked it!!!

And you know, I am one of those fuckers that I get so frustrated with on the daily...I SUCK FACE HARD IN PUBLIC AND MAYBE DO A LITTLE DRY GRIND. I just can't help myself. It's that 7 year itch I just can't get enough and I want to be on and in everything at once past present and future!!!!

Oh, you've maybe seen me do it before...

Well, we end up going to his place and I just get shy, and my 'I' I mean my dick. Oh, it's dripping with excitement it just isn't being given the permission to salute this beauty before me..

All of my training has made it really difficult to pay attention at the best show in town!!! Damnnnnn. I'm actually explaining all this to him as we are on the bed getting it on:) which I'm so proud of the fact I am addressing the issue of my shy penis.

I didn't hear from him again. But I've heard my beating heart and I remember what it feels like to feel alive again.

I'm reminded of the first time I felt after being raped, 12 years of no feeling, I was in Contact Improv. I've mentioned this before. The pattern is so clear and as soon as I can find that last thread connecting my mind to my cock I will be able to step away and be free and visit my 7 year issue no more...

I have my quest! I am a warrior and I will make my way through the terrain of my being and uncover the root and set it free!!! I'm mounting my unicorn and I soar glitter flying everywhere past presnt and future all in one breath.....

The swelling pride within

As pride approaches, I have been given the gift of knowledge of the advocates in my life from way back in Catholic school! I adore finding out parts of my past that affected me, yet I had no part in it at all.

I have a dear friend who I get to see every week or so, if our schedules cross as such. She was a parent at Star of the Sea and one of my ALL time favorite classy ladies ever!!! Anyway(ssssss), awhile back she was telling some girls how important it was to have a best gay friend, they are invaluable, and how my friends were lucky to have me as theirs. I'm the lucky one!! I asked, "ok, so did you know I was gay at Star?"

She laughs at me and replies,"oh honey, you were everyone's special little gay that we all fought so hard to protect." It got me deep...I told her I wish that someone would have let me in on it especially with the weekly reports from the priest about how sinful it was, as well as masterbation and not being a Catholic (that was directed to the 4 or 5 kids that were not Catholic but going to school with us). She said it was a different time and they thought it was better to shield me.. 

So today, I run into a friend who has a class that my favorite teacher from Star takes and they were talking about me.  She said she was the first one to mention something to my parents about the possibility of me being gay.. I acted all cool. I wanted to run home and verify with my mom if it was true.

She can't remember. I am the memory for my family, a role I love and cherish. This is what my mom said: " you have always been you. I only see people that way,

as they are."  I love her so much and it is true... She has always given all of her kids the power and freedom to be themselves, even if we are too afraid to do so.

She asked me many times if maybe I was....gay and I never wanted to disappoint her so I always skewed the truth. I didn't really fully come out to my parents until I was 31 and dating someone in town and wanted them to know first before the gossip bus pulled over to tell them;)

Our lives are our lives and they unfold as they will. I am grateful for how mine has lead me. After this news today, I wonder what my life would have looked like if my parents and my 5th grade teacher would have had that discussion with me... Would I have been brave enough to come out in this little fishing town then? Would I have found more joy? Been willing enough to allow myself to be open and love?

The truth is, it wasn't until winter term of 2001, at the UO, in Contact Improvisation that I understood that I can be touched and supported and loved. That bodies can move in space and spiral and lift and breathe; struggle to reach heights all the while gravity is pulling one towards the earth. It was there I found my heartbeat and I knew that I was finally in my body and free to live my life.

Recently, I have just felt that I am not enough in my life. I was standing and noticed that I could not feel my feet touching the earth. I felt like I just disappoint everyone. My feelings, I know, but I wanted to understand them. What I've gleaned is that I lost contact with myself, I allowed myself to be pulled down in the tides of my emotions and didn't realize all I had to do was stand up.

It is all we really have to do. Stand up. 

And so, I stand as I am, somedays glowing in perfection and other days not so much. I reach into the earth with my feet, to the heavens with my head and to the rest of the directions with my heart. 

Today, I expand my breath, I breathe from the fullness of my heart and move with the grace and beauty of who I am and I move with no other purpose but to be love. 

I used to be straight (continued)

"I had a dream, a dream about pussy, baby"

2 nights ago. I was engaged in the sexual act of eating out and since I've been off of candy, it was a candy pussy with a big old jaw breaker for a clit:) it was kind of a birthday cupcake kind of deal where it was made from red velvet cake and had glittery juicy frosting and that big jaw breaker just glistening in the warm sunlight as the woman it was attached to had her arms tied behind her back and she is encouraging me to give into my cravings and eat my treat like a good little boy.. She knows me all too well, is working her sweet charms on me trying to get me to just lick the clit. I know one taste of sugar and I will eat her cupcake pussy for breakfast, lunch and dinner and all in one chew and swallow the jawbreaker whole. I must be strong!!!

The woman is known to me but her face is never revealed. It's a thing of beauty and a horror all at once. I know I have deep love for this woman but I am unable to fulfill her requests no matter how she begs for it.

The sense of desperation is all too familiar to me. Being the boy that has always craved perfection and approval from my parents, my mother especially, I have always pushed myself to do things to make it all alright and bring a smile to my mothers face.

Don't get me wrong, my parents love me!!! They have put up with my boundary pushing my entire life and I have been pushing that one since I could breathe. Even when I try to do good, I always manage to screw things up, and not in a good way.  The case of my engagement will prove to be such a tale.

In telling this, I mean no disrespect to anyone, it was a very difficult time and many people got wounded along this journey. This is my story and how it went down from my point of view.....

I fell in love with her fast and hard! She was so glamorous, wore Paris, had amazing huge hair and was so caring and sweet and we both smoked the same cigarettes:)

Of course there were major issues: I was Catholic, she was Mormon. We didn't care, but our families did. He mom made THE best tuna casserole!!! Crumbled potato chips and all. Her mom even ironed the sheets before she put them on the bed. It was a dream come true to me. 

I proposed on her 20th birthday at hug point. I packed a picnic in my vintage picnic basket, got a red and white checkered table cloth, champagne and glasses and set out to make the most romantic of gestures to her. Sure we had only been dating two and a half months but I could feel it and I knew it was now or never for me:) looking back, the whole scene was just too gay for words. It worked, she said yes and now what?

Well, her family was pissed; my family was pissed. " how will you raise the babies" "what faith will they be" " our two faiths don't blend well" where will you live" endless litanies were sung on both sides.

There came a point when she moved into our house. I set up my basement room for her and I moved into my brothers room while he was in the hospital dealing with his anorexia.

All at once these things happened:

I apply and get accepted into the Culinary Institute in Ny.

We are both in 42nd Street, the musical 'hello'

She drops out 

I get the lead

We are in family therapy for my brother

I am the cause of his troubles because he saw how everyone treated my from being fat and he never wanted to suffer that

I find his trunk

Each evening went down like this:

I'd get home from work or rehearsal and go down to her room and read The Chronicals of Narnia to her as I let my fingers do the walking. I would say good night and go to my brothers room and open the trunk and unfold the mysteries of gay porn as I turned the pages and allowed my own fingers do the walking.... What was happening to me!? How can this be?! I'm engaged to be married, I can't be gay.... I'll look at just one more magazine befor I go to sleep.. Sleep, yeah right. Tortured hell for me! Visions of hard dicks, furry men and bloody female parts.  I never quite recovered from some of the things I had to do to understand what it was to be a woman. I pulled on a few strings, if you know what I mean and I was all too familiar with Ronald McDonald face:) it got so bad when it was all said and done, I had to take tuna melts off of the menu because it was jus too much for my sensitive nose to bear. Sensitive nose, sensitive nose I had a super sensitive nose ( that is sung I the tune of Becky. Love ya girl!!!)

Back to the routine. I was falling. My world was crumbling and I didn't know how much longer I could keep my soul marble and fake my way through. It was so unfair to everyone. I was tormented and now I find out that my voice isn't strong enough for the high parts so they have another tenor step out and sing with me so I'd be heard (this was pre-body mic days). I was humiliated. Not only could I not fulfill my role as male in my personal life; my stage life was a weak unit too. So miserable.

Anyway, I have a plan materialize during one of my many sleepless nights: we will postpone the wedding until I graduate from culinary school. My speach was something like," we will postpone our wedding until I finish school.  We are both sooo young, you are only 20, let's take the two years, mature and grow and then get married."

She was not happy. Postpone=never baby.

She moved out while I was a work and I came home to a nice long letter. She tore me apart, I deserved it. In the letter she told me I should just tell the truth that I am gay and get on with it. She also said she was keeping the ring and turning it in for one more suitable for her finger. Whatever. I may have ruined her but I was free. Free!! Free, I tell you!

I still don't come out for over a year and a half and my brother does it for me.

I don't see her for a few years and when I do she makes sure I know she was sooo miserable she tried to kill herself. TWICE. I am sorry.  If you already knew I was gay why did it cause you so much pain? Better off without a gay husband, especially in Texas, which is where she ended up.

I've never done well in relationships. My main flaw is that I am a pleaser and will go to all lengths to make others happy. Which is not the key to a good relationship, and something I have been working so hard on overcoming. I have had many many years of therapy to work through my shit and telling this story is allowing me to finally be rid of the weight the pain has had on my being all these years.

I never meant to inflict pain. I never meant to be gay, it's just who I fucking am and I own my shit now:) too late for some things but not all;)

And this concludes my attempts at being straight. From that day forward I swished my gay walk with pride and determination and did so

until I fell on my face. But that is another story..

And the armor falls.....

I was laying poolside in Vegas, frustrated at the state of my finances, weight gain, and new need of reading glasses; surrounded by people who were wandering in control, charging it and maintaining their icy exteriors in the heat.  I was not having a potty party, it was quite the opposite. I was having a mind opening experience! 

I began watching how people moved. Where the weight was placed as they walked, how the arms didn't move and people only breathed from their belly buttons. And I saw it, I saw the answer to one of my life questions that I never have the words for to ask the question, but it is always nagging at me...I need to be free from my drive to control how I present myself. I move with a locked quality that keeps me from my free stride, the stride that gives it all away, my swish, my ' you want some fries with that shake' walk. I have been spending a lot of my time finally looking at myself with my teacher eyes and addressing he issues of my body that I choose to never look at because I generally can't bare to look at myself.

I have been unwinding the twisted spirals my body has fallen into over the years. I am discovering how to stand with my weight on both feet and how good it feels to breathe freely and fully feeling the three dimentional quality I so easily ignore.

The fin piece to the puzzle fell into place as I am watching people move around the pool. People being brave, wearing bait hint suits that they normally won't, all types of bodies there to soak up the warmth and escape the reality of their worlds. Vegas is awesome for that!  At the same time that these people are parading themselves around with the air of ' I don't care what these fuckers think because I'll never see them again' (at least that was playing in my mind) I see the restraint in their movements, arms held at the side, so swing no grace, just bodies moving through space. And that is when it hit me: let go. Stop holding on to the body and not allowing it to swing and ride the currents of the rhythmn of time and space. The final piece, let go and be free. 

It's hard to do, to walk and allow the arms to swing. I tried it out I one of the evenings I was walking on the strip back to Mandalay Bay. I chose not to hold on but to breathe fully, feel my feel against the ground and allow my body to swing gas I went. Felt real good. Then, I noticed I had stopped swinging, back to lockdown walk, tall and graceful true, but no life.

So, I began again being awRe of how I was moving allowing myself to let go even though my subconscious mind was trying to cling to the armor of my frozen gait and in that heat too.

I was starting to get the hang of it and then I heard, ' work it girl' and instead of doing my usual not acknowledging the shout outs and whistles; I did a look back turn and smile and kept the swing alive all the way back home.

By letting that go, I feel softer, more loving and honest than I have ever felt. The trick is to keep it flowing. I like the feeling of the swing when I walk. I like the feeling of filling my lungs full and allowing my soul some sunshine. I feel boundless and I have the attitude of FUCK IT! Not pissed off fuck it, but a fuck it that says fuck it I'm going to have a blast living in this moment and not feel like I need to keep myself compartmentalized so as to not make a ripple. 

I say fuck it to all of my rules that have kept me precise, I want to move like nature, like the wind in a storm at the beach, or across a field in August. I say fuck it to not feeling like I should hold myself back.

I am letting go and the most incredible part is the fact that I feel my heart beating more clearly and honestly than ever before!!

I'll see ya on the streets!!!