Hold on

Recently, I've become aware of just how much I hold on. Hold on for dear life. Hold on until tomorrow. Hold on to the past. Hold my breath. Hold out for perfection, what a laugh. It all really hit me at my sisters wedding a few weeks ago....

She and I have been through a lot together. Sometimes I marvel at just what the human condition can endure. I was an emotional wreck leading up to the day; and for those of you that know, I prefer to be a rock in public... It all goes back to being strong and never let anyone seeing me weak. The sign of weakness would ruin me. It is really the reason I walk with such an elevated gait. I have always had to push myself above my fear otherwise I would have never ventured out into my life. Holding on to my fear by presenting fearless.

Anyway(s), I pretty much cried the whole day. Seeing my sister wrapped in the love of her family and friends and walking down the isle by dad, tears. Having her daughters light candles with them to join their bond, tears. Seeing her dance with the man she loves, tears of uncontrollable joy. I didn't realize how much I had been holding on until I realized I didn't have to do so any longer. And I fucking bawled in the gazebo as I let my armpits dry out while the line worked through the buffet.

My family is amazing. I am so lucky to come from such stock that we hold on for one another and guarantee that we find safety and love along each leg of our own journey. I'm getting sidetracked. Back to holding on. It seems like it is all I have ever done. It's like I'm always on countdown or something, but for what??? To start living my life? I'm pretty sure I do a pretty good job at doing that(wink). And sometimes I feel like I am living someone else's life. I mean, I know it is my life but sometimes I feel I am holding on so tight that there is no room for me to breathe because my grip is taking up so much fucking room.

I have been reminded of this even more as I encounter friends that are being brave and coming out and being proud of who they are and standing on new ground and facing their fears so as to not hold on to something they are not. To drop that fissade is one of the hardest things to do. To drop the veil around our own truths takes real courage. To stop worrying what others will think of oneself is so hard to do. So what do we do? We hold up the images we think people want to see so that we can protect who we truly are.

It is even more evident these days, as I date myself, as I see people (even families) hanging out but never interacting. Phones always in hand checking in and updating but never exchanging words. Lol lol lol but only via text, the world is silent and yet we all scream.

Posing for memories, but never living the moment. I know this is funny coming from a Davis, because we all know that our family is always ready for a photo;) we love to capture our joy. Hold on to the good times.

The reason I love to hug so much is because human interaction is important and I love that moment of breathing into another person and realizing the hug is so much better when I don't hold on. Knowing that I am not alone and that I am so lucky to have a life that allows me to share so deeply the love of life with others is a memory I want to hold on to. Yet, I choose not to because I love living the moment each and every time I get to hug you, holding on without clinging on for dear life.

Holding on for the next season, for the next pay period, for love, for my truth, for a better me.

I have had a rough year. Most of us

have had rough years. Holding on for a break. Thank goodness for the summer;) everyone has been telling me how great my tan is; and I always respond the same," well, I haven't been able to do much but crawl to the backyard and layout." It's not a joke. But I laugh about it because it is where I am at and I like to have fun, so I make the best of it. I held on to my heels all summer. I love them so much. I love how I feel in them. Dancing in them. Walking down the stairs in them. Walking down the streets of Astoria in them. And I have to let go. I let go, only to make room for more. Daylight is everywhere and I will be graceful no matter what stance I take;) oh, you will see!!  Our show DRAGALUTION 2015 is going to blow up your skirt and flutter your panties;)

I feel like I've been all over the place tonight. I'm, clearly, not holding on to form lol lol lol, the world is silent. 

The truth is out there;)

Daylight here;) how y'all doing? Myself, I've had a rough go at things and then Marco told me these silly rumors going all around about him and it just makes me giggle and want to tea bag a few folks. But I'm a lady, right, and I rise above. I always rise, I am Daylight!!!

Just so you know, the rumors, although flattering and so exciting are just NOT TRUE. I don't perpetuate false facts so I will not repeat the silly but flattering story. Instead, I'm going to tell you another silly and romantic (not) story.  This one came back like a photo you thought had been destroyed and yet there it is on Facebook for someone's throw back Thursday and clearly you had thrown more back than a Thursday from the looks of the photo.....

Anyway(ssss), I was visiting with my brother,Ken and his partner (Kevin) on the couch looking out at the river, thumbing through late 80's early 90's Playgirls, and just giggling at everything there is to giggle about.....and the subject of me being single came up along with one of my favorite punch lines from the 'first time I was raped' story ( which I have to make lite of from time to time, it is how I get over things). That line being,"and that is why I can't stand the smell of ylang ylang" (best said out loud). 

SO MY TALE:

I'm one of those guys that is just always single. Another part of my healing was putting up walls and talking nasty,it gave/gives me space. I've told you before of my 7 year dry spells. One of the first ones came the fall of 95' in Manhattan. I was hanging out with my room mate Kim and she found me the perfect man in the back of the looking section of the Village Voice. It should have stopped there but nnnoooo she had to pester me about it and convince me that I should call 'mister 6' dark and handsome, likes walks in Central Park, picnics, theater and laughter.' I had one condition: she and our friend Michelle were to tail me and we had a few signals worked out for emergency exit strategies:)

The day of the 'date' came and the girls cracked me up with their Peter Sellers meets the North Avenue Irregulars outfits of camel colored London fog raincoats, dark glasses and fedoras. I had never seen anything so perfect, that moment alone was worth the hell about to be unleashed on me.

He said I would know him by his purple bike and red beret, reason number two I should not have gone. Well.... Imagine my surprise to not see the man he described himself as but rather a 5'9" fella with a nose that would make Babs cry and the hair of Kenny G, but shorter and crammed under the beret, think Elaine from Steinfield. I still walked up to him and introduced myself. He seemed pleased. I followed him to the coffee shop ignoring my safety code for later.

He was really interesting and he asked such probing questions about my life prior to this moment with him. I talked, cause that is what I do when I am nervous in public. Well, and sweat sooo bad, and go buck toothed and play with the sugar bowl. I managed to keep my cool. It was hard to not laugh at the girls who were making gestures to me and wanting to go. I said my good bye, I almost never put out on the first date. I gave one of those awkward hugs where I don't let my penis near his so that there is the chance of tips touching, I didn't want him to think I was interested. Because I most certainly wasn't.  He, however, had different plans.

He called a few days later. He had some follow up questions. He opened with,"I wasn't completely honest with you the other day...." My eyes roll in my head as I reach for a cig.

"I am not just a Pegan, I am High Priest of the New York Pegans." My eyes continue to roll, I take a deep drag as I think ,'no, you're just HIGH'

And he continues with," I knew when I met you that you were going to be mine (I didn't know I had no choice) and I'm using my powers as High Priest to do a binding spell to make you mine for eternity." Am I really hearing all this bull shit... Then he goes on to say," I came home and did a sexual binding something or other (those are my words because I honestly can not remember what he called it because I was so stunned I still hadn't even hung up yet) ritual and made a painting of our love and I want to give it to you. Can I come over?" Ok here we go. I make an excuse to get off the phone and light another cig. Is this really my fucking life?

He actually calls a few days later.

He opens with," I can't give you the painting I made you."

I reply, without missing a beat,"what!!! You are just mean! Why even tell me about it?!" I was messing with him:)

"I was doing another sexual binding dance last night and I came on the painting and it is now sacred so it has to remain here." He responded in a tone of high English.

I inhale the rest of my cig and as I exhale I say," please never call me again!!!!!" And I hung up the phone and hit the bar. F.U.C.K.

Fast forward to June. I'm at Central Park skating at the roller disco that happens every weekend. As I'm leaving the smoking fine asses in hot shorts and Lycra to cross back home I spot a scene being set up. I instantly thought, "oh goodie!!! A play in the park."

I plop my skinny ass bleach blond club kid ass down on the grass and wait for the fun to begin. Then it hits me!!! It's summer solstice and this is the Pegan gathering and wouldn't you know it if that sun of a gun wasn't being carried in on a fucking throne carried by 8 muscle men.. Unbelievable. I think he saw me. I hoped that the hair color change threw him off my scent. I didn't wait to see, I swished it out if there quicker than a hooker on a zipper.

And that, my friends, is why I don't do online dating, hook ups or blind dates. They just get too weird too fast and it makes me feel not so funny inside and

out;)

On the couch post DRAGALUTION

Getting to August 8 was one of the most difficult journeys of my life. I was physically unable to walk weeks leading to the show and was set free from the pain long enough to take to the streets and the stage only to be cast back upon the golden green cushions on my couch. It has been here, stranded in my home, that I have come to face myself for the first time in my life. Fully and without recoil. I've had a huge revelation. It is a multi-fold revelation. I've glimpsed a few aspects of it all. I will start with this reoccurring flashback to my 11th year which almost seamlessly works into another aspect of my unfolding.

The flashback:

I know I've shared this before, so I'll fast forward through it. A summer birthday party 1980. All of the kids ( a combo of 4 or 5 Catholic families so usually enough for 2 teams) are playing football on the side yard. Well, all but me.... I'm too fat. I'm too slow. I always drop the ball. I run like a girl. There were always a multitude of reasons why I didn't get to play. I'm sitting on the brick wall by the kitchen eating an ice cream come cupcake when one of the moms asked why I wasn't playing. I told he. Next thing: the kids are being told that if they don't play with me, they will be punished...OR ELSE! 

From that day on, I knew that all the kids were just being nice to me.. OR ELSE. Here is where I discovered the root of the chip on my shoulder my mother always refered to. I just never saw it until yesterday.

I realized that was when I started pushing more fiercely than ever before. I went way over the too just to see how far they would go to avoid the OR ELSE. In many ways, it is what pushed me to be a leader. Being in a small town, I figured all the kids were given the OR ELSE memo. I worked hard to be on top only because it kept me from facing the reality that I was just 'chub rub Davis' who no one wanted on their team.

I do not begrudge the path. I am grateful for how I had to climb above it all. The thing I realize it has done is to condition me to always push, generally, the line. By doing that push, no matter how much I grew from it, I have isolated myself in a way that I can love without letting it sink into me.

I've been melting these past few years. I understand aspects of my resistance to intimacy in friendships and in sexual ways too. I see that I've pushed myself to be so self-propelling that I have made it nearly impossible to have space within my soul in order to never be picked again. This drive became my own OR ELSE.

Now, don't think that I have not had close loving relationships because I have so many of them. I've just never allowed them to penetrate into my soul for fear of being vulnerable and to be seen completely.

The thing is, it is I who has not seen. I've spent the last 34 years never looking at myself, only aspects of the whole. You, my friends, have taught me to do that through my journey as Daylight. Crazy. Right?!

This leads me to my next revelation:

Because of the

OR ELSE, I went places in my life I never would have gone. I had to face my fears so that no one would find my weakness. I have challenged, you, my friends from my boundary pushing. Y'all have seen me through so many phases of self expression and explosion. You have seen me through serious drinking and abusive relationships; MFA and NYC; platform shoes, mannequins, body glitter, blonde hair, red  hair, black hair to no hair. And most recently, as a big-ol-queen in a small fishing town and you support me, and love me and that has caused the shift for me. YOU HAVE BROUGHT ME TO MYSELF.

This rebel has come home and realized that it is time to allow you in. I will not push any longer. I will open and allow you within. I am ready to share myself with you. I can not thank you enough for sticking with me and pushing me to see myself. I feel as if the shell of my persona has finally split and has started to allow the essence of my being to take root and grow within the glowing light of your unrelenting affection. With an open heart I breathe my light fully for you.

Forever yours,

Daylight

Post Regatta

What an incredible weekend!!! I always get so nervous before a show and start to doubt every breath I take. This show in particular has really put me through my paces as a director, but more importantly as a performer.  I had to stop myself, almost every day, from canceling the show. It is just so hard on my body and I was not about to give up the heels;) and Daylight has so much to teach me. Mostly, grace under pressure..

Yes, it is true, I was having my very own pity party; I tried keeping it contained mostly in my head, but it made it's way to the surface on more than one occasion. The worst was two weeks from the show and me unable to walk. I had to cancel an entire week of work, hobble or crawl and just lay around doing nothing; which is something I am NOT very good at. I like keeping busy and being active in the community.

The months leading up to this week of collapse were heavy and heart sick months. I was not able to be as active as I like, my ass was falling, by belly growing and my hair getting thinner. Not to mention, that I was just not feeling worthy of much.

Then, like a flash of lightening, or an elk running in front of your racing car at midnight , I woke up and realized how I was forgetting my mission. I lost sight of the DRAGALUTION. How can I stand up and speak about taking chances and embracing who you are in the moment if I am picking myself apart in my mind and letting those picks fester like invisible leprosy covering my entire being. Consuming me from the inside out.

That is not what Daylight would have me do. Oh no, oh hell no. She would make me dress it up and get the fuck out of the house and walk it off. I HEARD HER YELLING, "WALK IT OF DAVIS, WALK IT OFF."

And I did just that!! Well, it was more of a crawl still. I started devising how the show would be if I was still in this condition.

My first move was to keep the rehearsals and really work with my stars to help them shine more brightly and without having to depend on me for visual reference. That week really was what we needed to take our show to the next level. It gave the cast the confidence in the movement to own their own steps and not to rely on me for what comes next!!!!

I had already re-worked the show with me and a walker, still in the heels of course, but it would have made the show much more comedic, which is a fabulous thing (and I almost did it even though I got my full range of motion back)..

That same week we were being interviewed by the Coast Weekend for the cover story on Regatta weekend; an enormous honor, especially with the editor herself writing it!!

And.... That very week the Conversation with Matt hit cyber space and it got my whole psychic being fluttering out of control.

I mean, I know I love this community, but hearing myself talk about it really hit home, my home town Astoria, Oregon!!

And that very week I got all of the paperwork in and filed to run for Ciry Council for Ward 3!!  THIS HAS ME VERY EXCITED!!! I will be making a public statement shortly (wink)...

And then, that same week, I got an award from Basic Rights Oregon for being a movement maker in our community!!!

I was feeling blissed out and so loved and supported.

It really is what gives me the strength to do what I do and to shine as I shine. Without the love and support from the people that reach out and touch my life and soul from all slopes of this planet, especially the ones in this community, I would not have nearly the courage I do to step out as I must.

Some say that me being a drag performance artist is going to be a huge road block on my path to City Council. My response is that I'm living my life in the open. I am not hiding anything about who I am as a community member. It is only one aspect of what I do. 

Anyway(ssss), the week of the show, I feel like a million bucks! The show is looking so tight and the music video is looping on my under eye lids, begging to be watched over and over again..... I love you Coln Smith and your vision and that we speak the same kind of art!!!!!

The night of the show, we are getting ready to shine. Friends are coming over to have help with their looks for the show and raise a glass of good cheer. One of my favorite parts is the 'parade' walk from our house to the theater!!! I think we had like 30 with us this year! As we approach the theater, the line has already begun and we mingle and hug as we make our way to back stage.

For this show, I did a few things differently, the big one was to have us all mingle pre-show and actually start our performance from the house and bring them all with us, energetically, back to the stage as we opened with 'hard cock life' a personal favorite!!

The other thing was that we had a few information tables in the lobby. One selling raffle tickets for the new teen center and the other for the Q center we will be opening in town!!! These are things that are needed in our town, things that have not really been supported in years past. It was a really good thing and both groups got their word out. That really is what it's all about... Being aware of what our community needs and working at making it happen. We can do anything when we work together...

And that is what DRAGALUTION is all about!! It's about loving one another despite our differences and to shine as brightly as we can as often as we feel comfortable doing so!!

It was evident Friday night, that OUR community is into it.. Almost every single person in the sold out theater was in costume!!!! That made my heart swell!

It was such an incredible night, so much overflowing love coming from every direction!

Then.... The Regatta Parade... We kind of got to lead the way, being at the front and all!!! We had a bubble machine and 46 North Farms supplied me with a ton of flower petals that we scattered as we fluttered through town, picking up people that wanted to join our celebration along the way.....

It's Monday, my body feels like I just got home from I don't know what but it kicked my ass;) and all I can do is smile and sink in to the joy I feel knowing we are all on the same page and so ready to be in this space together, helping one another grow, share and understand something greater than

us alone.

I am stronger from your love.

I thank you for supporting us and joining us on our DRAGALUTION !!!

I am always here for you

Ready to lend a hand

Give a hug

Lift you up!!

I am yours completely,

Daylght

Before the parade passes by

Regatta is just a few weeks away!!!! Last year, DRAGALUTION had a float in the Regatta parade and we won Presidents choice!!! It was quite the fluttering of emotions that day. I have the trophy hanging in the drag lab and each time I look at it I remember how exciting it was to put myself out there with my friends and allow everyone to see us in our happy glory; expressing our inner sparkle and waving at our friends and families as we rolled on by. It reminds me that everyday can feel that alive. All I have to do is bring it.

I signed up DRAGALUTION for a float again this year! And then I hesitated. You may wonder why. Well, let me tell you. I was told we could do the parade again but there could be no puffy vagina shirt and it can't say daylight cums because that is too offensive. Ok....I said thanks for letting me know and I just chose not to react to the situation. I thought about it a lot. " Nobody sensors me" was looping through my head. 

All of a sudden, I flash back to country fair about 6 years ago when I was wandering around in the dark and this army of white floating orbs came bouncing by being carried by people dressed in white satin with black balls clown suits and this woman was wandering with them shushing people loudly so that everyone would be quite as we watched the white balls bounce.... WELL... I was having none of that. No one shushes me I muttered to my friends as I took off running through the bouncing balls with my kimono fluttering behind me as I was consumed with uncontrollable laughter...

And then, I was pulled back to my present thought of just not doing the parade this year. This debate went on for a month. Mostly in my head but I did talk about it too because I just found it so silly. Maybe because I just didn't see anything wrong with the big pink fuzzy vagina. Most of us came out of one, it's familiar. The cums I get totally. Honestly, we didn't even have that until the last minute when a sign was made to stay 'DRAGALUTION' and the website: www.daylightcums.com was written in maybe 2 inch high letters at the bottom.

People don't get bothered or offended by men with guns marching down the streets but the gay guy with the fuzzy vagina that is just wrong. Wrong. Wrong I tell you:)

No one mentioned that it was the first time drag queens were in the parade, and we won. Nope. Just the fuzzy vagina. I think it is kind of sweet. 

The first thing you should know is I never set out to offend. I may enjoy pushing buttons and make people pause and think, but never offend. And the person and buttons I push the most are mine. It is no easy thing to walk out and be me. I get scared a lot, but I will not let that stop me. And being a big ol queen takes a whole other set of balls and they don't usually feel too good;)

Anyway(sssss), we are doing the parade!! There will be no fuzzy vagina or cums.  Our float is even better than last year and our dance will be more open and loving than you can possibly imagine. 

This float is about our DRAGALUTION, about our courage to march to the beating of our drums and allowing people to drink in our beauty no matter how shy or awkward we may feel. As always, I open my arms in invitation, if you feel like you want to sparkle with us in the parade, come join us in celebration of everything fabulous in our town!!! If you need help with costumes, Garbo's Vintage in Astoria is Co-sponsoring the parade and if you go in and mention you want to join us she will give you a deal!!!! 

I am just so excited about these next few weeks and getting to share some time with you all!! Catch you out there 

Love,

Daylight

My OCF upgrade

I have been trying to wrap my brain around the soul shift I have experienced this past week at the Oregon Country Fair.  I had anticipated the reunion with my fair family and was so anxious to have the time to reconnect with my essence.  For myself, going to the fair is being given the opportunity to shine more brightly than I normally get to and to flutter as I wish I could on a daily basis.

I went down a few days early so I could meet with some mentors and guides of my own and get some perspective. Monday evening, while visiting with a very dear friend and talking about a few others over whiskey and ginger, I was able to talk about my friend Jack Watson and how much I loved working with him and the wonderful shows we built together. 

The following morning I found out that he had passed on that night....I....he taught me so much and trusted in my strange and odd movement choices for choreography:) 

I had a coffee date with another guide and while sharing our stories several people that I worked with along side of Jack happened to come in and we were able to pay him tribute and share our loss together. 

I spent a lot of my pre-fair prep waiting for others to get their things done so that we could go and prepare for an intense undertaking for this year. Namely, we were taking over a very popular coffee booth for this year because it's organizer had passed on two weeks prior to the fair. It was exciting and so sad all in the same breath. 

The thing that go me was that not many people had heard of her passing so as we were building a new counter, rethinking the space and trying to keep our shit together on the cusp of a full moon in an incredible world known as the fair, we had to watch faces shift from pure joy to wavering and heart sick sorrow and shock. The falter and faint is always hard for me...having grown up in a household of underlying sorrow and being an altar boy at funerals I have learned to be around people in total grief. I learned not to react as I held the plate under quivering chins of mascara smeared faces walking two by two to receive communion. I learned to be ok with not being scared to death walking into the nursing home every weekend to see my grandma, I was taught to be a caregiver from a very young age and I have always lived to be of service to anyone in need. It is a gift I cherish deeply.

So, my fair went in a completely different direction than I thought it would. The crazy thing was that I was surrounded by so much tension and sorrow and all I had within me to give was joy. I was so full of love and patience and calm. It was the strangest thing, really it was.

And.... Our booth was a TOTAL UPGRADE!!! We had a balcony that was so cool.  My favorite part was on Saturday sitting up there with Melanie, Lillian and many other friends and blasting people down below with squirt guns filled with ice water to cool them off on the extremely hot day. People begged for it! Then, there was the fishing pole that we attached cookies to and had people catch them with their mouths. It was AWESOME and it made so many people stop, look up, participate and laugh.

Friday was incredible too! I got all Daylight dressed up, I even wore my heels for many hours and fluttered thorough the masses of people. I stood for many photos and had shared moments with hundreds of people, all of whom hugged this big old queen wandering the forest in search of other like minded spirits; I was surrounded.

The one thing that played over and over in my mind was a fight my mom and I had my summer before my senior year of high school. She told me I just walk around with this huge chip on my shoulder and I just need to let go of it. Hadn't thought of that in many years, and while I was strolling I tried to recall what put that chip there.

You see, the chip was really a means of hiding all of the pain and suffering I was going through because I couldn't stand the thought of making my mother worry or suffer any more than she already had.

I couldn't let her know I was being beaten up every day at school, that I was afraid for my life to be anywhere alone and that I not sure how I could possible survive another day in this scary world. 

So for me, the fair has always been my time to go and find a deeper means of strength so that I can be fueled up and have the strength and courage to stand within my being and shine without shame. This is no easy feat. Shame has been the under layer to most of the outfits of my life and in that forest I don't need my under things of shame.

This fair was a big one for me. I stepped way beyond any place I had ever hoped to be able to. I swished my little gay ass through that wonderful maze of people and I shared myself eye to eye and heart to heart with everyone.

And I realized that my DRAGALUTION is just such a mission in life. It is about finding the courage to be and to be fierce and fabulous and raw and beautiful and dirty and free and open and alive and peaceful.  We are so blessed to get to share our lives together, highs and lows and to listen, observe, participate and grow. I want you to see me in all of my light and darkness. I want to share my humanity and my mystical magical spirited self with you, everyday. 

All my love,

Daylight

Oregon Country Fair is calling

It's that time of year when my spirit gets really excited about making its journey to the Oregon Country Fair to re-charge and flutter with other spirits of the worlds:)

I always have a sign. It is a dragonfly. For the last year one finds me and spends a bit of time circling me and it's wing vibrations hit my ear drum with a, "we are so excited to be with you again! May you find what you are in search of and my the light always shine upon you." I get chills and warm and gooey each time it happens:)

This year, not only did I have an excited circling of dragonflies, yes plural, all vibrating the same thing, "Daylight... Daylight... It's important for you to be there this year. Bring your wings and fly with the Elders." I also unwrapped a perfectly preserved dragonfly from my head of butter lettuce that my friend, Teresa at 46 North Farm, had cut for me. He is proudly being held by a piece of amathyst on my altar.

Then, Isa stopped me the other day asking if she could use a pair of my wings at fair for her lawn dance with the elders at opening!!! Ah, the Universe does unfold in the most glorious ways. I was already planning on bringing my gold wings, and now I shall bring a few more and flutter with the Elders:) as you wish.

The fair has always assisted in helping me break free of the constraints I have about my image, spirit and the general way I find to hide myself from a true full view of who I really am. I am accepting the shadows of my being, they help me to see the glorious beauty of my light. What I love best is the open eye contact and heart to heart hugs without keeping the pelvis suspended behind, held by a fish hook in midair. We all know that hug. We want to embrace, but we keep our root chakra out of the way because we have been conditioned to keep those from getting near another. Heaven forbid there be actual contact. I have been a pro with this embrace for years. It's only been in the past 10 years that I have stopped holding back I my hugs. And I giggle each time I have a new hug do that... It is just so sweet and innocent in so many ways.

The fair is also where I learned to feel comfortable with my shirt off, especially while sitting down. And the last time I was there I went to the Ritz with my best friend Melanie and her daughter Lilian and we steamed and showered together with the rest of our fair family and it was one of the most soul cleansing, body opening experiences of my life. I can't even begin to tell you:)

Anyway(sss), this year, I have no expectations. I am not going to try to relive any particular moment. I will do as the dragonfly whispered, I will bring Daylght and together we will flutter or spirit song amongst the spirits of the fair and keep our hearts and eyes open as the path opens before us!!!

If you are at fair, I hope our paths cross so we can have a heart to heart hug and giggle. I'll be over by the liberty cup if you care to ask around.... Or follow the beat, we will collide.

Love,

Daylight

Happy Mid-Summer Festival Time!

"A mid-summer day in a fishing town; tonight we celebrate...."

Those are the opening words to Shanghaied in Astoria our very own local historical melodrama. Tonight is the Queens Coronation for our Scandinavian Queen, sadly it won't be me. I'm too old and I'm not really Scandinavian;)

That didn't stop me and my siblings from getting to be Scandinavian dancers and being part of this amazing bit of Astoria tradition. I was in 6th grade and began as a Nordic dancer and in high school was a Viking dancer. We had rehearsals on Tuesday nights at Shively Hall. I can still hear the music begin as we would practice and learn new dances. The dances told stories of harvests, romance and life. Little man in a fix was always one of my favorites!

Anyway(ssss), this time of year was always exciting! I always loved seeing all of the wild flowers that had been gathered by the princesses to make their boquettes to place under their pillows for dreams of a bright future with a loving man. I always joined in the tradition. I would linger around and 'tidy up' the scraps and sneak some into my blue and gray skor windbreaker for later to place under my pillow to dream of my Scandinavian prince.

The guys, which included me when I was I. High school, got to help with erecting the May pole. It was always just so distracting! All those Scandinavian men yanking the cords together to get the pole in the hole and locked in place. It was almost as satisfying as watching the tug of war between countries!! That was ALWAYS a not to miss event.

My favorite year was the year my BFF got to be Miss Findland (hey girl!!!). She asked me to be her flag bearer, which, let's face it, was the closest I would ever get to being a Scandinavian queen (wink). 

This was 1988, I was working at El Mundo for men in Seaside. I had an amazing out fit of a charcoal silk shirt, camel and black woven linen shorts with a long black bet that knotted and had silver on the tip and black scrunch socks with my penny loafers. It was a very good outfit and with my bleach banged hair and bold hair spray there was noting that could ruin my role.... Until I started sweating... Huge circles under my arms. I looked like I had been carrying a huge wet turkey under each arm....all those people watching. I never had to fight so hard to keep my arms down, me being Italian and 'theatrical' and all.

I digress.. After the queen is crowned, (it went to Iceland because tradition has it that whenever one is actually found she must be honored. My BFF had hands down the best speach and is a Finnish immigrant so really it should have gone to her, but that is my opinion), everyone would go out for the burning of the hexes! This was always my favorite, ever since I was a young boy this was the tradition for me. I remember one of the elders telling me that we burn the hexes as a symbol of things we want to be free from.  I usually burnt 5-12 depending;)

Then, we had the polka dance in the cafeteria and danced the night away. I was on the floor a lot. I loved dancing with the elders and my friends, of course, but I always felt so glamorous with the elders. 

There was this one couple that came from some place out of town; they were always there for the big dance Saturday night. They were both very good looking and two of the most polished performers I had ever seen. I hope they still attend.

Well, there was my friend Kevin that was INCREDIBLE! I always got him to show me moves, especially the hombo ( which I never could get). He was so powerful on the floor and I know he still dances!

It has been a long while since I've been to the festival, kind of broke my heart when it left the high school, never felt the same at the fair grounds. I may get to go this year. If not, I always have the memories in my soul and they pop back to life so fully in my muscle memory every time.

As I was driving out to get my first ever CSA, I had it all flash so strongly in my mind as the fox gloves waved at me as I drove down 202 on my way to 46 north farm.

I love so much that I was raised with the experiences of flower dreams, hexes, May pole dances and friends and family dressed in traditional costume celebrating heritage and pride. It is those conditioning moments and the rest of the life expanding experiences I am fortunate to be able to participate in that cause me to push beyond that which I'm familiar with in order to become more fully who I am.

This year has been huge in the shifting and understanding of who I am. This past week was incredible that way. I discovered that even though I am an open and expressive person, I am very guarded and have physically adjusted my posture to protect and that has lead to some of my chronic pain. I spoke it out loud, I understand what I must do and with this mid-summer as I burn my hexes I hope to allow my walls of protection around my soul to fall so that I may be able to experience my life more fully than ever before!

Astoria, I love you!!!!!

Seeing the 7 year pattern...or.....attempts at love and by love I mean love

So, I'm laid up in the backyard. I sprained my ankle watering the yard. Anyway(sssss), this time of year is always rough on me and every 7 years it is worse because it involves 2 overlapping pasts I have worked through/am working on/will continue to work on until I can recognize the pattern and step beyond.i am going attempt to convey the spiritual side of my being and alittle about my sexual life... The patterns are always swimming in my mind and I see them in my visual world too so finding words is going to be interesting... Here I go:

On any given day at any given moment I can see my life past, present, future and all the paths and connections to everything to it. It's all just there. It's why I'm so good at remembering things. Even though I'm good at letting go of things I still remember them. No hold over me,  just a bit of my history.

I recently mentioned that I am a survivor or rape. This time of year is the 'anniversary' of one of them.  So, I always get a bit reflective about my life. How it makes me feel. How far I've come being able to find love for myself again. This year has been the best yet!! Now, every 7 years, I get courageous enough to open myself up to the possibility of being in a relationship again.  My most successful one was 7 years ago and it lasted 6 months, which is a record for me:)

I've learned a lot. I've let go of a bunch of my fuckedisms.

I see myself. Flaws and all and I like who I am!

Except..this is a strange one to explain..because of all the incredible and close male relationships I have, I have trained myself to be able to disconnect myself from my cock. I severed that desire current so that I could be close without making my friends sexually uncomfortable. Which I know is weird because we are all so odd and sexually perverted and like to talk nasty. It gets awkward but we all know I mean no harm;) It has been my greatest meditation because I could never wish for a more incredible, tough, caring, talented, generous and funny loving group of friends I call my family. We really are so lucky to have what we have y'all!!!! I hope it's not strange that I'm talking about us, but it gets to the root of my issue....hehehe

BELIEVE IT OR NOT... In the not too far past, but far enough to be a memory.... I had the opportunity to hangout with a fella.  I know! Stop the presses....I'm talking about it. I made out with a man and I liked it!!!

And you know, I am one of those fuckers that I get so frustrated with on the daily...I SUCK FACE HARD IN PUBLIC AND MAYBE DO A LITTLE DRY GRIND. I just can't help myself. It's that 7 year itch I just can't get enough and I want to be on and in everything at once past present and future!!!!

Oh, you've maybe seen me do it before...

Well, we end up going to his place and I just get shy, and my 'I' I mean my dick. Oh, it's dripping with excitement it just isn't being given the permission to salute this beauty before me..

All of my training has made it really difficult to pay attention at the best show in town!!! Damnnnnn. I'm actually explaining all this to him as we are on the bed getting it on:) which I'm so proud of the fact I am addressing the issue of my shy penis.

I didn't hear from him again. But I've heard my beating heart and I remember what it feels like to feel alive again.

I'm reminded of the first time I felt after being raped, 12 years of no feeling, I was in Contact Improv. I've mentioned this before. The pattern is so clear and as soon as I can find that last thread connecting my mind to my cock I will be able to step away and be free and visit my 7 year issue no more...

I have my quest! I am a warrior and I will make my way through the terrain of my being and uncover the root and set it free!!! I'm mounting my unicorn and I soar glitter flying everywhere past presnt and future all in one breath.....

The swelling pride within

As pride approaches, I have been given the gift of knowledge of the advocates in my life from way back in Catholic school! I adore finding out parts of my past that affected me, yet I had no part in it at all.

I have a dear friend who I get to see every week or so, if our schedules cross as such. She was a parent at Star of the Sea and one of my ALL time favorite classy ladies ever!!! Anyway(ssssss), awhile back she was telling some girls how important it was to have a best gay friend, they are invaluable, and how my friends were lucky to have me as theirs. I'm the lucky one!! I asked, "ok, so did you know I was gay at Star?"

She laughs at me and replies,"oh honey, you were everyone's special little gay that we all fought so hard to protect." It got me deep...I told her I wish that someone would have let me in on it especially with the weekly reports from the priest about how sinful it was, as well as masterbation and not being a Catholic (that was directed to the 4 or 5 kids that were not Catholic but going to school with us). She said it was a different time and they thought it was better to shield me.. 

So today, I run into a friend who has a class that my favorite teacher from Star takes and they were talking about me.  She said she was the first one to mention something to my parents about the possibility of me being gay.. I acted all cool. I wanted to run home and verify with my mom if it was true.

She can't remember. I am the memory for my family, a role I love and cherish. This is what my mom said: " you have always been you. I only see people that way,

as they are."  I love her so much and it is true... She has always given all of her kids the power and freedom to be themselves, even if we are too afraid to do so.

She asked me many times if maybe I was....gay and I never wanted to disappoint her so I always skewed the truth. I didn't really fully come out to my parents until I was 31 and dating someone in town and wanted them to know first before the gossip bus pulled over to tell them;)

Our lives are our lives and they unfold as they will. I am grateful for how mine has lead me. After this news today, I wonder what my life would have looked like if my parents and my 5th grade teacher would have had that discussion with me... Would I have been brave enough to come out in this little fishing town then? Would I have found more joy? Been willing enough to allow myself to be open and love?

The truth is, it wasn't until winter term of 2001, at the UO, in Contact Improvisation that I understood that I can be touched and supported and loved. That bodies can move in space and spiral and lift and breathe; struggle to reach heights all the while gravity is pulling one towards the earth. It was there I found my heartbeat and I knew that I was finally in my body and free to live my life.

Recently, I have just felt that I am not enough in my life. I was standing and noticed that I could not feel my feet touching the earth. I felt like I just disappoint everyone. My feelings, I know, but I wanted to understand them. What I've gleaned is that I lost contact with myself, I allowed myself to be pulled down in the tides of my emotions and didn't realize all I had to do was stand up.

It is all we really have to do. Stand up. 

And so, I stand as I am, somedays glowing in perfection and other days not so much. I reach into the earth with my feet, to the heavens with my head and to the rest of the directions with my heart. 

Today, I expand my breath, I breathe from the fullness of my heart and move with the grace and beauty of who I am and I move with no other purpose but to be love.