The Hurl Curl and Related Mysteries

Most of you know I have serious talent when it comes to burping. Now, take that force and add a complete spinal ripple ending in a total Linda Blair exodus of vomit with a high powered vocal underscore and you have the hurl curl. I just really have a hard time holding back, so when I vomit it is a total body experience for everyone involved.

One of my favorite ones was at Boxxes. I had just finished my pantry shift at Benjamin's at the PacWest, my nick name was pantry princess, see even back then people saw my grace and beauty (insert buck toothed smile). I was waiting for my brother and some friends to go dancing next door at the Brig. I was on a carrot and celery diet, so my three double screwdrivers hit me hard and fast. Add that to the half dozen cigarettes I smoked while I waited for my friends, they were late, and the high level of anxiety I had sitting in a gay bar all by myself; it's no wonder Linda came for a visit. 

I had my mouth sweats happen, then I got a bit sweaty, which is nothing new, I always get nervous and sweaty in public. However, that combination is a tell tale sign of the approach of the hurl curl. I made my way to the bathroom. Of course the path is lined with uber sexy men against the wall working a hook up. Skin tight Levi's, hairy chests, vests and attitude lined the approach to the bathroom. As I start my nervous stumble to the toilet, I can not hold it back. Before I know it, my hands are up trying to hold back a force too great to be restrained, and I have carrots and celery and screwdriver shooting out between my fingers spraying all along the wall as I continue my hurl to the sink where I heave and heave filling the sink with a nice chop salad. It really is no wonder I can never get a date. Who would want to date that hot mess? 

It was the return from the bathroom that was the worst. The evil glares and bitchy squeals coming from the wall of masculinity. Judging me. Pushing me. Laughing. I just lit a cig and went to the otherside, where word of my escapade had not yet arrived, just like my friends. Fuck. I'll call that scene.

Next up, my adventures in dating land, staring me, a florist, two dogs, gravity bongs, Jaegermeister shots, whiskey sours, bangars and mash and a VHS of Northern Exposure. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Every day for six months. I know. But he loved me and dreamed of me.

It began on a lovely day in Astoria 1999, I went into a flower shop to buy myself my weekly boquette of flowers; a little thing I did for myself because I was worth the love. Anyway(sssss), as I approach the back counter this fella with long hair, wide ribbed camel colored cords and hemp necklace turned, made eye contact with me and fell back into the card stand knocking it over. I helped the fella up. He got all giddy and looked at me with his sweet blue eyes and proceeded to say, "Sorry about that. You just took my breath away. I have been having a dream about you for years and figured it was just someone I would never know and now here you are in front of me."

Pause..... I am a devout romantic. Always have been. He was tugging on my heart strings and my wheels were turning on our new found love. He dreamt about me, that means something. I will open my locked down heart and see what happens..... That was my instantaneous inner dialogue that allowed me to say," my name is Marco, want to get together after work and tell me more?"

I should add that this all happened at the end of one of my seven year cycles of trying romance. He came over that evening and I lived up to my true form which was to be sure to do it on the first date because if he discovers how much of a freak show I am he might now be back and at least I can have one fun ride.

We did it on my zebra faux fur comforter, under a ceiling of bamboo, and after a few drinks and an hour of making out and smoking. Tasty I know. I was excited though! He was in to me and that felt great. Mid thrust he says, "can we go to the shower to finish?" I guess. I hated my shower, it was in an awkward space in the basement and I always felt more dirty when I was done....

Fast forward a few months.

We saw each other everyday. This was our exact routine, hardly  any variation, ever:

I would sleep on his small bed smothered by his two dogs and him.

I would get up at 5 and go to work. 

Take my first break at 8, go pick him up for work ( he had no license).

He would have a shot or two of Jaegermeister and a gravity bong, I would join for the bong.

I would drop him at work and return for my day.

I'd go walk his dogs after work and clean up the mess from his puppy.

Pick him up at 5

He would give me a presnt or flowers every day.

We would go to Ship Inn

He would have 3 double whiskey sours, I would have single vodka crans.

I would have fish and chips, he would have bangars and mash.

We would smoke many cigarettes.

Next stop, 711 for a six pack to take to his place.

Clean the mess from the puppy

Gravity bong

A shot

Sit on the love seat with the two dogs and watch the same cassette of Northern Exposure as he told me he loved this show, the first time from his lips, the thousandth time to my ears. 

It was a long loop of Groundhog Day and it took me months to understand the pattern. It really was the always having to do it in the shower so he wouldn't pass out that really got to me. Or maybe how he always fell down the stairs. He loved me but could never remember our history together because he was always so fucked up. But he loved me.

I caught a reflection of myself one day while we were at it in the shower next to the heaps of dirty laundry on the floor, my body swollen from all the drinking and fried food and I hated myself. This wasn't love.

The thing was, he was so loved by people. He was the sweetest. But our relationship was not healthy and I was enabling him as I would match him and hold his hair at the toilet and try to keep his life in order.

I think the worst part was the humiliation of finding out he had been stealing from work. All of my gifts were hot items. Long time family friends. I still feel guilty when I see them.

Anyway(ssss), that was the year I met my savior, Melanie, and I got the hell out of town......

Just this past month I met this fella who was thinking of moving to town. He was told that he should meet me and I introduced him around and I tried to be his friend. He really is a sweet man, he totally reminds me of my exboyfriend from'99, but I pumped the breaks because his pattern was so strongly what I vowed to stay clear of. It brought back too many memories of sad and heavy times for me.

The interesting thing is that during the encounter with this present day ex, the former ex passed on. I feel such joy for him. To know he has been released from his struggles and pain brings a sense of relief for me. My problem is that I did love him so much and he was a pivotal part of my path but I could not make space for him in my life because of how our time together was. I guess the best part of that time together was that every time he looked at me with his blue eyes he was always seeing me for the first time and that joy was exquisite.

He was the reason I pulled my life together and saught out my own path. He is why I stopped being a heavy drinker, why I quit smoking cigarettes and why I took an interest in living my life and searching out eye to eye, heart to heart friendships. He pushed me down my path and helped me find breath in my stale soul. So for that, I honor his passing.

I've said good bye to my hurl curl life. I am always willing to demonstrate a dry heave version if you'd like but I'm not that person any longer.

I used to have an eating disorder, but then I found laxitives...or I've seen beyond the ring of fire..also know as I've learned a few things from this hard cock life

Vanity could have been the ruin of me.  

Vanity has been the ruin of me.

Vanity has been fuel to my life fire.

Vanity can ruin you or raise you up.

I've seen the dark side of my vanity..

And I can go dark.

I think one of my worst was coming out of my first run of fierceness in NYC in 1996. I was back in Astoria and needed to make every day a NYC day. I may have come home ruined, but I delivered. I learned from a very young age that I do best stepping out with my strong leg first. On days I felt less than what I think I should, I dressed  it up and made it comply to my image. 

A few months into my return, I noticed my cake waist expanding and my 29" that I snorted so hard for not even making it up past mid thigh. I wasn't walking my several miles a day in the city anymore, something about a small town just makes a girl want to drive. Maybe it was the yells. Hard to tell but my ass and gut were growing and I couldn't handle that.

I began my love affair with super dieters tea or 3 ballerina tea, depending on what was on sale. I was serious about my tea. The directions were something like: steep one bag of tea in an 8 ounce glass of hot water for 10 minutes. I, being the fierce bitch I was, did 3 bags in 6 ounces of hot water for 20 minutes. The results were an ass cramping good time. The cramps would start around 6 in the morning. I could not make morning farts without sitting on a toilet, because it worked that good!

A few months in, I had dropped my pounds, still had my little belly ( still do, it just likes me), and I knew to never trust a fart before noon. Most days, I would have nice whole pieces of undigested food floating in the toilet. What a miracle!!!

Two things happened within a few weeks of each other....

The first being, I was going to go to lunch with a friend, we were making plans and I was feeling just so fierce and I had a bit of a fart cramp.. A quick glance at the wall, almost 2, I am safe; I'll just let it out gently. I released that fart and felt it run down the inside of my legs. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I shat my pants and it was being absorbed by my socks, it was just water and lettuce after all.

Second, one morning I went to wipe and things just didn't feel right. Well duh, my ass hole was outside of my body.. Yeah, not cool. I just shoved that lining back up in there and prayed that it would just stay there.

It brought back terrible memories to me. I have such butt hole issues. Got to keep that shit clean, literally. The worst being, and I am proud of myself for sharing this, being intimate with my boyfriend of 1991, really the second guy I was ever with, and we are on his twin bed, Aveda candles burning, Julia Fordham playing. Porcelain in my head, his head you know where and all of a sudden my butt becomes a milk duds factory as I watch one land on the bed. You can imagine my horror. He grabs a tissue and cleans it right up assuring me it is natural. Right, if I'm sitting on a toilet or making shit bombs in the forest; but not while being intimate. 

I make light of it, but it has scared me for decades and one reason why I have intimacy issues. The other reason being a survivor of rape and just having moments of that shame outfit always on, like temple garments or something.

It makes me remember how my grandma, who was my best friend and soul mate and schizophrenic, would always make me bathe when I stayed over to get the filth off of me, so she could be around me. I just never feel like I rinse it off enough. I feel like all anyone sees is that filth. My mind plays the reel of filthy little fag over and over. I almost never hear it any more. But it does visit from time to time and on those days I invite it in and let it see just how fabulous and fierce I am!! Rise above baby.

This year has been fucking rough and as I peel away the layers of protective and shame infused layers I've hauled around with me; I remind myself that I always rise above. I always try to flow like water, never fighting, just going along for the ride. At the same time, I push push push on, push out, search within. Then it hit me: to be water and rise above I must swell like the river after a winter's melt. By releasing I allow myself to be supported by the shores and water ways that surround and guide me. Namely, YOU ALL. Your continual love and support allow me to melt and grow and uncover the truth of who I am and what I have to give. 

That feeling is so wonderful! Unbounded joy and bliss. And I am just a firm believer of letting it out, by not keeping my shame hidden, allowing light on it, I recognize that I needn't keep in the dark, skirting around the shadows, cheating my angles to appear more, or less, depending.

Here is to all of us as we love into our dark season! Me we continue to be the light we are to each other. I am always here for you; as I know you are for me! Grab me and hold on if you need me. 

Hold on

Recently, I've become aware of just how much I hold on. Hold on for dear life. Hold on until tomorrow. Hold on to the past. Hold my breath. Hold out for perfection, what a laugh. It all really hit me at my sisters wedding a few weeks ago....

She and I have been through a lot together. Sometimes I marvel at just what the human condition can endure. I was an emotional wreck leading up to the day; and for those of you that know, I prefer to be a rock in public... It all goes back to being strong and never let anyone seeing me weak. The sign of weakness would ruin me. It is really the reason I walk with such an elevated gait. I have always had to push myself above my fear otherwise I would have never ventured out into my life. Holding on to my fear by presenting fearless.

Anyway(s), I pretty much cried the whole day. Seeing my sister wrapped in the love of her family and friends and walking down the isle by dad, tears. Having her daughters light candles with them to join their bond, tears. Seeing her dance with the man she loves, tears of uncontrollable joy. I didn't realize how much I had been holding on until I realized I didn't have to do so any longer. And I fucking bawled in the gazebo as I let my armpits dry out while the line worked through the buffet.

My family is amazing. I am so lucky to come from such stock that we hold on for one another and guarantee that we find safety and love along each leg of our own journey. I'm getting sidetracked. Back to holding on. It seems like it is all I have ever done. It's like I'm always on countdown or something, but for what??? To start living my life? I'm pretty sure I do a pretty good job at doing that(wink). And sometimes I feel like I am living someone else's life. I mean, I know it is my life but sometimes I feel I am holding on so tight that there is no room for me to breathe because my grip is taking up so much fucking room.

I have been reminded of this even more as I encounter friends that are being brave and coming out and being proud of who they are and standing on new ground and facing their fears so as to not hold on to something they are not. To drop that fissade is one of the hardest things to do. To drop the veil around our own truths takes real courage. To stop worrying what others will think of oneself is so hard to do. So what do we do? We hold up the images we think people want to see so that we can protect who we truly are.

It is even more evident these days, as I date myself, as I see people (even families) hanging out but never interacting. Phones always in hand checking in and updating but never exchanging words. Lol lol lol but only via text, the world is silent and yet we all scream.

Posing for memories, but never living the moment. I know this is funny coming from a Davis, because we all know that our family is always ready for a photo;) we love to capture our joy. Hold on to the good times.

The reason I love to hug so much is because human interaction is important and I love that moment of breathing into another person and realizing the hug is so much better when I don't hold on. Knowing that I am not alone and that I am so lucky to have a life that allows me to share so deeply the love of life with others is a memory I want to hold on to. Yet, I choose not to because I love living the moment each and every time I get to hug you, holding on without clinging on for dear life.

Holding on for the next season, for the next pay period, for love, for my truth, for a better me.

I have had a rough year. Most of us

have had rough years. Holding on for a break. Thank goodness for the summer;) everyone has been telling me how great my tan is; and I always respond the same," well, I haven't been able to do much but crawl to the backyard and layout." It's not a joke. But I laugh about it because it is where I am at and I like to have fun, so I make the best of it. I held on to my heels all summer. I love them so much. I love how I feel in them. Dancing in them. Walking down the stairs in them. Walking down the streets of Astoria in them. And I have to let go. I let go, only to make room for more. Daylight is everywhere and I will be graceful no matter what stance I take;) oh, you will see!!  Our show DRAGALUTION 2015 is going to blow up your skirt and flutter your panties;)

I feel like I've been all over the place tonight. I'm, clearly, not holding on to form lol lol lol, the world is silent. 

The truth is out there;)

Daylight here;) how y'all doing? Myself, I've had a rough go at things and then Marco told me these silly rumors going all around about him and it just makes me giggle and want to tea bag a few folks. But I'm a lady, right, and I rise above. I always rise, I am Daylight!!!

Just so you know, the rumors, although flattering and so exciting are just NOT TRUE. I don't perpetuate false facts so I will not repeat the silly but flattering story. Instead, I'm going to tell you another silly and romantic (not) story.  This one came back like a photo you thought had been destroyed and yet there it is on Facebook for someone's throw back Thursday and clearly you had thrown more back than a Thursday from the looks of the photo.....

Anyway(ssss), I was visiting with my brother,Ken and his partner (Kevin) on the couch looking out at the river, thumbing through late 80's early 90's Playgirls, and just giggling at everything there is to giggle about.....and the subject of me being single came up along with one of my favorite punch lines from the 'first time I was raped' story ( which I have to make lite of from time to time, it is how I get over things). That line being,"and that is why I can't stand the smell of ylang ylang" (best said out loud). 

SO MY TALE:

I'm one of those guys that is just always single. Another part of my healing was putting up walls and talking nasty,it gave/gives me space. I've told you before of my 7 year dry spells. One of the first ones came the fall of 95' in Manhattan. I was hanging out with my room mate Kim and she found me the perfect man in the back of the looking section of the Village Voice. It should have stopped there but nnnoooo she had to pester me about it and convince me that I should call 'mister 6' dark and handsome, likes walks in Central Park, picnics, theater and laughter.' I had one condition: she and our friend Michelle were to tail me and we had a few signals worked out for emergency exit strategies:)

The day of the 'date' came and the girls cracked me up with their Peter Sellers meets the North Avenue Irregulars outfits of camel colored London fog raincoats, dark glasses and fedoras. I had never seen anything so perfect, that moment alone was worth the hell about to be unleashed on me.

He said I would know him by his purple bike and red beret, reason number two I should not have gone. Well.... Imagine my surprise to not see the man he described himself as but rather a 5'9" fella with a nose that would make Babs cry and the hair of Kenny G, but shorter and crammed under the beret, think Elaine from Steinfield. I still walked up to him and introduced myself. He seemed pleased. I followed him to the coffee shop ignoring my safety code for later.

He was really interesting and he asked such probing questions about my life prior to this moment with him. I talked, cause that is what I do when I am nervous in public. Well, and sweat sooo bad, and go buck toothed and play with the sugar bowl. I managed to keep my cool. It was hard to not laugh at the girls who were making gestures to me and wanting to go. I said my good bye, I almost never put out on the first date. I gave one of those awkward hugs where I don't let my penis near his so that there is the chance of tips touching, I didn't want him to think I was interested. Because I most certainly wasn't.  He, however, had different plans.

He called a few days later. He had some follow up questions. He opened with,"I wasn't completely honest with you the other day...." My eyes roll in my head as I reach for a cig.

"I am not just a Pegan, I am High Priest of the New York Pegans." My eyes continue to roll, I take a deep drag as I think ,'no, you're just HIGH'

And he continues with," I knew when I met you that you were going to be mine (I didn't know I had no choice) and I'm using my powers as High Priest to do a binding spell to make you mine for eternity." Am I really hearing all this bull shit... Then he goes on to say," I came home and did a sexual binding something or other (those are my words because I honestly can not remember what he called it because I was so stunned I still hadn't even hung up yet) ritual and made a painting of our love and I want to give it to you. Can I come over?" Ok here we go. I make an excuse to get off the phone and light another cig. Is this really my fucking life?

He actually calls a few days later.

He opens with," I can't give you the painting I made you."

I reply, without missing a beat,"what!!! You are just mean! Why even tell me about it?!" I was messing with him:)

"I was doing another sexual binding dance last night and I came on the painting and it is now sacred so it has to remain here." He responded in a tone of high English.

I inhale the rest of my cig and as I exhale I say," please never call me again!!!!!" And I hung up the phone and hit the bar. F.U.C.K.

Fast forward to June. I'm at Central Park skating at the roller disco that happens every weekend. As I'm leaving the smoking fine asses in hot shorts and Lycra to cross back home I spot a scene being set up. I instantly thought, "oh goodie!!! A play in the park."

I plop my skinny ass bleach blond club kid ass down on the grass and wait for the fun to begin. Then it hits me!!! It's summer solstice and this is the Pegan gathering and wouldn't you know it if that sun of a gun wasn't being carried in on a fucking throne carried by 8 muscle men.. Unbelievable. I think he saw me. I hoped that the hair color change threw him off my scent. I didn't wait to see, I swished it out if there quicker than a hooker on a zipper.

And that, my friends, is why I don't do online dating, hook ups or blind dates. They just get too weird too fast and it makes me feel not so funny inside and

out;)

On the couch post DRAGALUTION

Getting to August 8 was one of the most difficult journeys of my life. I was physically unable to walk weeks leading to the show and was set free from the pain long enough to take to the streets and the stage only to be cast back upon the golden green cushions on my couch. It has been here, stranded in my home, that I have come to face myself for the first time in my life. Fully and without recoil. I've had a huge revelation. It is a multi-fold revelation. I've glimpsed a few aspects of it all. I will start with this reoccurring flashback to my 11th year which almost seamlessly works into another aspect of my unfolding.

The flashback:

I know I've shared this before, so I'll fast forward through it. A summer birthday party 1980. All of the kids ( a combo of 4 or 5 Catholic families so usually enough for 2 teams) are playing football on the side yard. Well, all but me.... I'm too fat. I'm too slow. I always drop the ball. I run like a girl. There were always a multitude of reasons why I didn't get to play. I'm sitting on the brick wall by the kitchen eating an ice cream come cupcake when one of the moms asked why I wasn't playing. I told he. Next thing: the kids are being told that if they don't play with me, they will be punished...OR ELSE! 

From that day on, I knew that all the kids were just being nice to me.. OR ELSE. Here is where I discovered the root of the chip on my shoulder my mother always refered to. I just never saw it until yesterday.

I realized that was when I started pushing more fiercely than ever before. I went way over the too just to see how far they would go to avoid the OR ELSE. In many ways, it is what pushed me to be a leader. Being in a small town, I figured all the kids were given the OR ELSE memo. I worked hard to be on top only because it kept me from facing the reality that I was just 'chub rub Davis' who no one wanted on their team.

I do not begrudge the path. I am grateful for how I had to climb above it all. The thing I realize it has done is to condition me to always push, generally, the line. By doing that push, no matter how much I grew from it, I have isolated myself in a way that I can love without letting it sink into me.

I've been melting these past few years. I understand aspects of my resistance to intimacy in friendships and in sexual ways too. I see that I've pushed myself to be so self-propelling that I have made it nearly impossible to have space within my soul in order to never be picked again. This drive became my own OR ELSE.

Now, don't think that I have not had close loving relationships because I have so many of them. I've just never allowed them to penetrate into my soul for fear of being vulnerable and to be seen completely.

The thing is, it is I who has not seen. I've spent the last 34 years never looking at myself, only aspects of the whole. You, my friends, have taught me to do that through my journey as Daylight. Crazy. Right?!

This leads me to my next revelation:

Because of the

OR ELSE, I went places in my life I never would have gone. I had to face my fears so that no one would find my weakness. I have challenged, you, my friends from my boundary pushing. Y'all have seen me through so many phases of self expression and explosion. You have seen me through serious drinking and abusive relationships; MFA and NYC; platform shoes, mannequins, body glitter, blonde hair, red  hair, black hair to no hair. And most recently, as a big-ol-queen in a small fishing town and you support me, and love me and that has caused the shift for me. YOU HAVE BROUGHT ME TO MYSELF.

This rebel has come home and realized that it is time to allow you in. I will not push any longer. I will open and allow you within. I am ready to share myself with you. I can not thank you enough for sticking with me and pushing me to see myself. I feel as if the shell of my persona has finally split and has started to allow the essence of my being to take root and grow within the glowing light of your unrelenting affection. With an open heart I breathe my light fully for you.

Forever yours,

Daylight

Post Regatta

What an incredible weekend!!! I always get so nervous before a show and start to doubt every breath I take. This show in particular has really put me through my paces as a director, but more importantly as a performer.  I had to stop myself, almost every day, from canceling the show. It is just so hard on my body and I was not about to give up the heels;) and Daylight has so much to teach me. Mostly, grace under pressure..

Yes, it is true, I was having my very own pity party; I tried keeping it contained mostly in my head, but it made it's way to the surface on more than one occasion. The worst was two weeks from the show and me unable to walk. I had to cancel an entire week of work, hobble or crawl and just lay around doing nothing; which is something I am NOT very good at. I like keeping busy and being active in the community.

The months leading up to this week of collapse were heavy and heart sick months. I was not able to be as active as I like, my ass was falling, by belly growing and my hair getting thinner. Not to mention, that I was just not feeling worthy of much.

Then, like a flash of lightening, or an elk running in front of your racing car at midnight , I woke up and realized how I was forgetting my mission. I lost sight of the DRAGALUTION. How can I stand up and speak about taking chances and embracing who you are in the moment if I am picking myself apart in my mind and letting those picks fester like invisible leprosy covering my entire being. Consuming me from the inside out.

That is not what Daylight would have me do. Oh no, oh hell no. She would make me dress it up and get the fuck out of the house and walk it off. I HEARD HER YELLING, "WALK IT OF DAVIS, WALK IT OFF."

And I did just that!! Well, it was more of a crawl still. I started devising how the show would be if I was still in this condition.

My first move was to keep the rehearsals and really work with my stars to help them shine more brightly and without having to depend on me for visual reference. That week really was what we needed to take our show to the next level. It gave the cast the confidence in the movement to own their own steps and not to rely on me for what comes next!!!!

I had already re-worked the show with me and a walker, still in the heels of course, but it would have made the show much more comedic, which is a fabulous thing (and I almost did it even though I got my full range of motion back)..

That same week we were being interviewed by the Coast Weekend for the cover story on Regatta weekend; an enormous honor, especially with the editor herself writing it!!

And.... That very week the Conversation with Matt hit cyber space and it got my whole psychic being fluttering out of control.

I mean, I know I love this community, but hearing myself talk about it really hit home, my home town Astoria, Oregon!!

And that very week I got all of the paperwork in and filed to run for Ciry Council for Ward 3!!  THIS HAS ME VERY EXCITED!!! I will be making a public statement shortly (wink)...

And then, that same week, I got an award from Basic Rights Oregon for being a movement maker in our community!!!

I was feeling blissed out and so loved and supported.

It really is what gives me the strength to do what I do and to shine as I shine. Without the love and support from the people that reach out and touch my life and soul from all slopes of this planet, especially the ones in this community, I would not have nearly the courage I do to step out as I must.

Some say that me being a drag performance artist is going to be a huge road block on my path to City Council. My response is that I'm living my life in the open. I am not hiding anything about who I am as a community member. It is only one aspect of what I do. 

Anyway(ssss), the week of the show, I feel like a million bucks! The show is looking so tight and the music video is looping on my under eye lids, begging to be watched over and over again..... I love you Coln Smith and your vision and that we speak the same kind of art!!!!!

The night of the show, we are getting ready to shine. Friends are coming over to have help with their looks for the show and raise a glass of good cheer. One of my favorite parts is the 'parade' walk from our house to the theater!!! I think we had like 30 with us this year! As we approach the theater, the line has already begun and we mingle and hug as we make our way to back stage.

For this show, I did a few things differently, the big one was to have us all mingle pre-show and actually start our performance from the house and bring them all with us, energetically, back to the stage as we opened with 'hard cock life' a personal favorite!!

The other thing was that we had a few information tables in the lobby. One selling raffle tickets for the new teen center and the other for the Q center we will be opening in town!!! These are things that are needed in our town, things that have not really been supported in years past. It was a really good thing and both groups got their word out. That really is what it's all about... Being aware of what our community needs and working at making it happen. We can do anything when we work together...

And that is what DRAGALUTION is all about!! It's about loving one another despite our differences and to shine as brightly as we can as often as we feel comfortable doing so!!

It was evident Friday night, that OUR community is into it.. Almost every single person in the sold out theater was in costume!!!! That made my heart swell!

It was such an incredible night, so much overflowing love coming from every direction!

Then.... The Regatta Parade... We kind of got to lead the way, being at the front and all!!! We had a bubble machine and 46 North Farms supplied me with a ton of flower petals that we scattered as we fluttered through town, picking up people that wanted to join our celebration along the way.....

It's Monday, my body feels like I just got home from I don't know what but it kicked my ass;) and all I can do is smile and sink in to the joy I feel knowing we are all on the same page and so ready to be in this space together, helping one another grow, share and understand something greater than

us alone.

I am stronger from your love.

I thank you for supporting us and joining us on our DRAGALUTION !!!

I am always here for you

Ready to lend a hand

Give a hug

Lift you up!!

I am yours completely,

Daylght

Before the parade passes by

Regatta is just a few weeks away!!!! Last year, DRAGALUTION had a float in the Regatta parade and we won Presidents choice!!! It was quite the fluttering of emotions that day. I have the trophy hanging in the drag lab and each time I look at it I remember how exciting it was to put myself out there with my friends and allow everyone to see us in our happy glory; expressing our inner sparkle and waving at our friends and families as we rolled on by. It reminds me that everyday can feel that alive. All I have to do is bring it.

I signed up DRAGALUTION for a float again this year! And then I hesitated. You may wonder why. Well, let me tell you. I was told we could do the parade again but there could be no puffy vagina shirt and it can't say daylight cums because that is too offensive. Ok....I said thanks for letting me know and I just chose not to react to the situation. I thought about it a lot. " Nobody sensors me" was looping through my head. 

All of a sudden, I flash back to country fair about 6 years ago when I was wandering around in the dark and this army of white floating orbs came bouncing by being carried by people dressed in white satin with black balls clown suits and this woman was wandering with them shushing people loudly so that everyone would be quite as we watched the white balls bounce.... WELL... I was having none of that. No one shushes me I muttered to my friends as I took off running through the bouncing balls with my kimono fluttering behind me as I was consumed with uncontrollable laughter...

And then, I was pulled back to my present thought of just not doing the parade this year. This debate went on for a month. Mostly in my head but I did talk about it too because I just found it so silly. Maybe because I just didn't see anything wrong with the big pink fuzzy vagina. Most of us came out of one, it's familiar. The cums I get totally. Honestly, we didn't even have that until the last minute when a sign was made to stay 'DRAGALUTION' and the website: www.daylightcums.com was written in maybe 2 inch high letters at the bottom.

People don't get bothered or offended by men with guns marching down the streets but the gay guy with the fuzzy vagina that is just wrong. Wrong. Wrong I tell you:)

No one mentioned that it was the first time drag queens were in the parade, and we won. Nope. Just the fuzzy vagina. I think it is kind of sweet. 

The first thing you should know is I never set out to offend. I may enjoy pushing buttons and make people pause and think, but never offend. And the person and buttons I push the most are mine. It is no easy thing to walk out and be me. I get scared a lot, but I will not let that stop me. And being a big ol queen takes a whole other set of balls and they don't usually feel too good;)

Anyway(sssss), we are doing the parade!! There will be no fuzzy vagina or cums.  Our float is even better than last year and our dance will be more open and loving than you can possibly imagine. 

This float is about our DRAGALUTION, about our courage to march to the beating of our drums and allowing people to drink in our beauty no matter how shy or awkward we may feel. As always, I open my arms in invitation, if you feel like you want to sparkle with us in the parade, come join us in celebration of everything fabulous in our town!!! If you need help with costumes, Garbo's Vintage in Astoria is Co-sponsoring the parade and if you go in and mention you want to join us she will give you a deal!!!! 

I am just so excited about these next few weeks and getting to share some time with you all!! Catch you out there 

Love,

Daylight

My OCF upgrade

I have been trying to wrap my brain around the soul shift I have experienced this past week at the Oregon Country Fair.  I had anticipated the reunion with my fair family and was so anxious to have the time to reconnect with my essence.  For myself, going to the fair is being given the opportunity to shine more brightly than I normally get to and to flutter as I wish I could on a daily basis.

I went down a few days early so I could meet with some mentors and guides of my own and get some perspective. Monday evening, while visiting with a very dear friend and talking about a few others over whiskey and ginger, I was able to talk about my friend Jack Watson and how much I loved working with him and the wonderful shows we built together. 

The following morning I found out that he had passed on that night....I....he taught me so much and trusted in my strange and odd movement choices for choreography:) 

I had a coffee date with another guide and while sharing our stories several people that I worked with along side of Jack happened to come in and we were able to pay him tribute and share our loss together. 

I spent a lot of my pre-fair prep waiting for others to get their things done so that we could go and prepare for an intense undertaking for this year. Namely, we were taking over a very popular coffee booth for this year because it's organizer had passed on two weeks prior to the fair. It was exciting and so sad all in the same breath. 

The thing that go me was that not many people had heard of her passing so as we were building a new counter, rethinking the space and trying to keep our shit together on the cusp of a full moon in an incredible world known as the fair, we had to watch faces shift from pure joy to wavering and heart sick sorrow and shock. The falter and faint is always hard for me...having grown up in a household of underlying sorrow and being an altar boy at funerals I have learned to be around people in total grief. I learned not to react as I held the plate under quivering chins of mascara smeared faces walking two by two to receive communion. I learned to be ok with not being scared to death walking into the nursing home every weekend to see my grandma, I was taught to be a caregiver from a very young age and I have always lived to be of service to anyone in need. It is a gift I cherish deeply.

So, my fair went in a completely different direction than I thought it would. The crazy thing was that I was surrounded by so much tension and sorrow and all I had within me to give was joy. I was so full of love and patience and calm. It was the strangest thing, really it was.

And.... Our booth was a TOTAL UPGRADE!!! We had a balcony that was so cool.  My favorite part was on Saturday sitting up there with Melanie, Lillian and many other friends and blasting people down below with squirt guns filled with ice water to cool them off on the extremely hot day. People begged for it! Then, there was the fishing pole that we attached cookies to and had people catch them with their mouths. It was AWESOME and it made so many people stop, look up, participate and laugh.

Friday was incredible too! I got all Daylight dressed up, I even wore my heels for many hours and fluttered thorough the masses of people. I stood for many photos and had shared moments with hundreds of people, all of whom hugged this big old queen wandering the forest in search of other like minded spirits; I was surrounded.

The one thing that played over and over in my mind was a fight my mom and I had my summer before my senior year of high school. She told me I just walk around with this huge chip on my shoulder and I just need to let go of it. Hadn't thought of that in many years, and while I was strolling I tried to recall what put that chip there.

You see, the chip was really a means of hiding all of the pain and suffering I was going through because I couldn't stand the thought of making my mother worry or suffer any more than she already had.

I couldn't let her know I was being beaten up every day at school, that I was afraid for my life to be anywhere alone and that I not sure how I could possible survive another day in this scary world. 

So for me, the fair has always been my time to go and find a deeper means of strength so that I can be fueled up and have the strength and courage to stand within my being and shine without shame. This is no easy feat. Shame has been the under layer to most of the outfits of my life and in that forest I don't need my under things of shame.

This fair was a big one for me. I stepped way beyond any place I had ever hoped to be able to. I swished my little gay ass through that wonderful maze of people and I shared myself eye to eye and heart to heart with everyone.

And I realized that my DRAGALUTION is just such a mission in life. It is about finding the courage to be and to be fierce and fabulous and raw and beautiful and dirty and free and open and alive and peaceful.  We are so blessed to get to share our lives together, highs and lows and to listen, observe, participate and grow. I want you to see me in all of my light and darkness. I want to share my humanity and my mystical magical spirited self with you, everyday. 

All my love,

Daylight

Oregon Country Fair is calling

It's that time of year when my spirit gets really excited about making its journey to the Oregon Country Fair to re-charge and flutter with other spirits of the worlds:)

I always have a sign. It is a dragonfly. For the last year one finds me and spends a bit of time circling me and it's wing vibrations hit my ear drum with a, "we are so excited to be with you again! May you find what you are in search of and my the light always shine upon you." I get chills and warm and gooey each time it happens:)

This year, not only did I have an excited circling of dragonflies, yes plural, all vibrating the same thing, "Daylight... Daylight... It's important for you to be there this year. Bring your wings and fly with the Elders." I also unwrapped a perfectly preserved dragonfly from my head of butter lettuce that my friend, Teresa at 46 North Farm, had cut for me. He is proudly being held by a piece of amathyst on my altar.

Then, Isa stopped me the other day asking if she could use a pair of my wings at fair for her lawn dance with the elders at opening!!! Ah, the Universe does unfold in the most glorious ways. I was already planning on bringing my gold wings, and now I shall bring a few more and flutter with the Elders:) as you wish.

The fair has always assisted in helping me break free of the constraints I have about my image, spirit and the general way I find to hide myself from a true full view of who I really am. I am accepting the shadows of my being, they help me to see the glorious beauty of my light. What I love best is the open eye contact and heart to heart hugs without keeping the pelvis suspended behind, held by a fish hook in midair. We all know that hug. We want to embrace, but we keep our root chakra out of the way because we have been conditioned to keep those from getting near another. Heaven forbid there be actual contact. I have been a pro with this embrace for years. It's only been in the past 10 years that I have stopped holding back I my hugs. And I giggle each time I have a new hug do that... It is just so sweet and innocent in so many ways.

The fair is also where I learned to feel comfortable with my shirt off, especially while sitting down. And the last time I was there I went to the Ritz with my best friend Melanie and her daughter Lilian and we steamed and showered together with the rest of our fair family and it was one of the most soul cleansing, body opening experiences of my life. I can't even begin to tell you:)

Anyway(sss), this year, I have no expectations. I am not going to try to relive any particular moment. I will do as the dragonfly whispered, I will bring Daylght and together we will flutter or spirit song amongst the spirits of the fair and keep our hearts and eyes open as the path opens before us!!!

If you are at fair, I hope our paths cross so we can have a heart to heart hug and giggle. I'll be over by the liberty cup if you care to ask around.... Or follow the beat, we will collide.

Love,

Daylight

Happy Mid-Summer Festival Time!

"A mid-summer day in a fishing town; tonight we celebrate...."

Those are the opening words to Shanghaied in Astoria our very own local historical melodrama. Tonight is the Queens Coronation for our Scandinavian Queen, sadly it won't be me. I'm too old and I'm not really Scandinavian;)

That didn't stop me and my siblings from getting to be Scandinavian dancers and being part of this amazing bit of Astoria tradition. I was in 6th grade and began as a Nordic dancer and in high school was a Viking dancer. We had rehearsals on Tuesday nights at Shively Hall. I can still hear the music begin as we would practice and learn new dances. The dances told stories of harvests, romance and life. Little man in a fix was always one of my favorites!

Anyway(ssss), this time of year was always exciting! I always loved seeing all of the wild flowers that had been gathered by the princesses to make their boquettes to place under their pillows for dreams of a bright future with a loving man. I always joined in the tradition. I would linger around and 'tidy up' the scraps and sneak some into my blue and gray skor windbreaker for later to place under my pillow to dream of my Scandinavian prince.

The guys, which included me when I was I. High school, got to help with erecting the May pole. It was always just so distracting! All those Scandinavian men yanking the cords together to get the pole in the hole and locked in place. It was almost as satisfying as watching the tug of war between countries!! That was ALWAYS a not to miss event.

My favorite year was the year my BFF got to be Miss Findland (hey girl!!!). She asked me to be her flag bearer, which, let's face it, was the closest I would ever get to being a Scandinavian queen (wink). 

This was 1988, I was working at El Mundo for men in Seaside. I had an amazing out fit of a charcoal silk shirt, camel and black woven linen shorts with a long black bet that knotted and had silver on the tip and black scrunch socks with my penny loafers. It was a very good outfit and with my bleach banged hair and bold hair spray there was noting that could ruin my role.... Until I started sweating... Huge circles under my arms. I looked like I had been carrying a huge wet turkey under each arm....all those people watching. I never had to fight so hard to keep my arms down, me being Italian and 'theatrical' and all.

I digress.. After the queen is crowned, (it went to Iceland because tradition has it that whenever one is actually found she must be honored. My BFF had hands down the best speach and is a Finnish immigrant so really it should have gone to her, but that is my opinion), everyone would go out for the burning of the hexes! This was always my favorite, ever since I was a young boy this was the tradition for me. I remember one of the elders telling me that we burn the hexes as a symbol of things we want to be free from.  I usually burnt 5-12 depending;)

Then, we had the polka dance in the cafeteria and danced the night away. I was on the floor a lot. I loved dancing with the elders and my friends, of course, but I always felt so glamorous with the elders. 

There was this one couple that came from some place out of town; they were always there for the big dance Saturday night. They were both very good looking and two of the most polished performers I had ever seen. I hope they still attend.

Well, there was my friend Kevin that was INCREDIBLE! I always got him to show me moves, especially the hombo ( which I never could get). He was so powerful on the floor and I know he still dances!

It has been a long while since I've been to the festival, kind of broke my heart when it left the high school, never felt the same at the fair grounds. I may get to go this year. If not, I always have the memories in my soul and they pop back to life so fully in my muscle memory every time.

As I was driving out to get my first ever CSA, I had it all flash so strongly in my mind as the fox gloves waved at me as I drove down 202 on my way to 46 north farm.

I love so much that I was raised with the experiences of flower dreams, hexes, May pole dances and friends and family dressed in traditional costume celebrating heritage and pride. It is those conditioning moments and the rest of the life expanding experiences I am fortunate to be able to participate in that cause me to push beyond that which I'm familiar with in order to become more fully who I am.

This year has been huge in the shifting and understanding of who I am. This past week was incredible that way. I discovered that even though I am an open and expressive person, I am very guarded and have physically adjusted my posture to protect and that has lead to some of my chronic pain. I spoke it out loud, I understand what I must do and with this mid-summer as I burn my hexes I hope to allow my walls of protection around my soul to fall so that I may be able to experience my life more fully than ever before!

Astoria, I love you!!!!!