The Party Path...or my life of laughter

My dad is turning 80 this year and I have been looking for this old photo of him sitting on a burnt and fallen tree at Mount Angel Abbey dressed in his monk robe. It is one of my favorite photos of him! He used to have it hanging in the hall outside of his shop at Star. Oh, right... Yeah, my dad was a monk for many years before he left the mount and started his family in Astoria! True story.

Anyway(sss), I just keep my photos in shoe boxes, none are in order so it is always a fun stroll down memory lane when I am on the hunt for a photo. I actually love it, because I get to hold my life in my hands as I flip back and forth through all the years of good times and laughter.

I have always loved a good party! Seriously. It may have started when I was a young one mixing 7 and 7's for my great aunts and uncles while they played cards and listened to music on the record player, cigarettes burning. It was all so fancy to my eyes. One summer, I scored a serving cart and some amazing crystal decanters at the rummage sale and I would have friends over and serve us up fancy drinks, just iced tea or soda with rocks, it was really just about the container and getting to roll the cart into my room and I would push in the 8 track of Abba or Jesus Christ Superstar and have a happy hour dance party.  My room was always a gathering place for dance parties. When Purple Rain came out, I just about lost my mind dancing to that !!! Fun times.

It has been said in more than one occasion that if you are looking for a party, ask me. Flipping through those boxes, I get to see how fortunate I have been to have had the party pulse as my pulse for so long. 

When my brother, Ken, and I are together forget about it... We can bring it in ways you never dreamt possible. We used to have so much fun in Manhattan. Our favorite was always happy hour. There is something so sexy about watching the transition from work to play. Especially in a gay bar midtown. 

Barrage was our favorite gayborhood bar. So sexy, usually always great music and they served the Crystal Gayle, a frozen cosmopolitan, a total treat. The bartenders were so sexy and sweet and that always loved our party antics. Mario would always line up shots for us, yummy, and we would watch the parade of men come in and after the first drink the tie would come off.

One thing that has bothered me in recent years is that the bodies, although beautifully sculpted and nicely dressed, have lost the beat of the music. I would often marvel at how anyone could stand still when 'that' song was on. I mean we are gay right, we should be dancing and spreading joy and opening our hearts. Sometimes I felt like I was dancing around a wax museum of porn stars and brokers. One of my favorite things to do is to break down those barriers. I would just start dancing at my seat, try to get the chair dance going, such resistance. Ken would always join in, we would let out a few 'woops'and try to engage the people around us. Some people were just too cool for school. I always say it is because we are all afraid of our swish, however it may manifest and when you are looking for a hook up, forget about it, the photo can not blur; they must stay stationary and work their best angle.

Truth is, when we are getting nasty there is no perfect, there is just the moment we are in and it can get sweaty and nasty so why not bring it from the get go.. 

I don't know. It reminds me of my early gay days and going dancing at the Brig and sometimes it would just be me on the dance floor and men just standing looking so hot and sexy leaning on the wall or pressed against the bars, watching .. Baby, pull yourself from the wall and press on me. I want to see how we dance together how does your body find rhythm with mine? 

I've only had a few takers over the years, generally I am dirty dancing with my friends, and we dirty dance.. It really is the best. Work it out, dance it out! On my 25th birthday I took myself out for drinks and dancing. I started at the Duplex, loved watching people sing and the scene was always so bright and fun. I took a seat in the corner and watched. The bartender would have none of it, he was beating me at my game. He bought me drinks and made me move to the center of the bar, said I was too beautiful to be in th corner. Then, this gal comes running in from the Monster, across the street, for a quick drink. She was all confused as to why I was all alone and was determined to get me a man and yanked me across the street to go dancing. Her plan was we would dance and when I saw someone I liked we would circle it until he ended dancing with me. 

The plan worked! Before too long my arms were wrapped around a super sexy Latin man and our hips were moving in synchronized thrusts, swivels and sword fight. He went in for a kiss, alright. The best part was that my bracelet was stuck in the knit weave of his sweater vest (it was sexy) and I didn't want to snag it (I'm a real piece of work) my only option was to get closer to free it without being obvious. That involved more kissing which was one song too much and now we had to visit. We went out for pizza and rode the subway together. He had to go back to Queens, he lived with his grandma.  

Another great moment of photo delight was from my last year at UO and we had a going away dance party at John Henry's. It was 80's night, our favorite. That was the place to go to cut loose and I was with my dance and theater friends and we could let loose. The family we have and how we can be that free and trusting with one another, such joy it brings my simple little heart.

It is what I love about our shows and dance parties and skate nights. Our community is so supportive and loving that we are able to go places most never do and let our hearts open and sing in all the delights this world has to offer!!

Ken finally made it out for one of our dance parties. It brought us back to our purpose in life: to spread laughter and love. We may have cried a few times. The reality that this was us and we were out and celebrating and in our home town where none of this was ever possible for us growing up. It was a profound moment for us.

It is so awesome and strange having a gay brother and having us both traveled through our lives in such different ways. He has an incredible partner of almost 20 years, they have their house upstate and a booming business there and their place in the city and they are always so to the nines with every step they take. Then, there is me,  the gypsy queen, I have so much and nothing at the same time, I'm single always, except every 7 years. Yet, with our connection, I feel like I have had the longest best relationship ever, is it possible to be a soulmate to a sibling?, because that has how we have always felt. So connected. It is tough living so far from him. But we have our own journies and our paths pull us together as often as they can.

Which makes me so happy to think about being with him In The city mid-October for a week!!! My soul jumps thinking about our walks in CentralPark, going to Barrage, sitting together and spreading our joy the only way we know how one smile and hug at a time.

The art of falling

I'm not one that falls. Seriously, I'm just like a weeble, I'll wobble but I don't fall down. However, I love to fall... When it's choreographed (wink). It's one of my favorite things to teach in a dance class!! There is an art to the fall. One has to be willing to give into gravity and greet the earth. Doris Humphrey called it 'the arc between life and death.'

There is a moment of weightlessness before the pull of gravity takes over, and that sensation is one of the most incredible I've ever known. To have a soundless fall is glorious it is like sliding into home base only the playing field is a soothing lake of the most comfortable moss. Yummy for the body and soul!!

So, imagine my surprise when I had a doozy of a fall IN PUBLIC the other day!! Even funnier, I had just been having a visit with my family and we were talking about our dad's crowning moment of walking down in front of the coffee an and someone honking at him and he turns and waves and keeps on walking..... Right into a pole and got knocked out. We shouldn't laugh, really. But we just can't help it. It's funny. It was a family joke and ended up in charades almost as frequently as Mrs. Reed.

Well, I walk into the hotel to put up a poster for the big disco gay skate night on the 12th and I see a friend and I stop and give him a hug, the place is crowded and there is a group of beautiful ladies sitting on the other side of the lobby positioned to look at my extremely good looking friend and I turn to go after our hug and my big invisible hair gets me off balance from my swishy turn and my feet slip right up and out from under me and I slam down hard on the stairs and I try to immediately stand but the floor is wet so I have that great comedic moment of scrambling to stand like a baby deer on skates... EVERYONE is staring and I shake it off and ease out as gracefully as possible.

Usually if things happen like that, it's right after I say or think something rude, my instant karma check. That would happen to me all the time at the cafe, especially at this time of the year when I would get to that point of thinking,' if I have to be asked one more time where is the nearest ATM ' I may crack. But this day, I was floating in ease and joy. I was so happy to be wandering in the rain. Loving it! Shit happens.

I know those girls got a good giggle out of that and it probably opened the door for a more verbal flirt exchange with my super handsome friend. You are welcome.

But this fall wasn't one of my yummy falls. This one hurt, and at my age, I'm beginning to notice how I just don't bounce back as quickly as before.

It is as if the fall has me suspended in time. I'm still on the rebound and my feet will have me upright shortly and I will shimmy like nothing has happened. Right now, the sun is out and I've been sitting out back looking at how the yard has changed so much in just a few days. The wind brought down a branch, the cosmos have been knocked down, the bamboo is heavy from the rain and the prayer flags are stretched from the wind and rain their prayers being lifted and carried regardless of their appearance. And that sweet fall smell fills my entire being as the sun crosses the tree and kisses my face with sun. And I land.

A Million Dollar Cowboy Bar performance dream...or...if I just would have avoided the tomatoes and green beans...or...another time perhaps

I have had the same vision the last few days. It has been so vivid I can actually feel the air of the bar on my bare legs as I work across the dance floor at the Million Dollar Cowboy Bar, in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, which is where Becky and I will be heading in just a few hours to witness the awesomeness of a wedding of our friend, Lindsey to her man, Steve!!!

Can we say,'ROAD TRIP!!!!!' 

I have been looking forward to this trip! I love Jackson so much, I think about that place a lot and if it didn't snow, I'd maybe consider living there. I could live out my fantasy of being a forest ranger and riding a horse and having my broke back moment. I did, after all, go to forestry camp in the 7th grade because that is what I wanted to do when I grew up. That was such an intense experience for me. It was a several week long camp, hours from home and I had to bunk up with strangers (gasp). I remember arriving early and my family dropping me with the kitchen help who were already there; at least I'm comfortable in a kitchen. Then, my family is driving away and I am running down the dirt road, dust in my face, my bell bottoms flapping on my cankles, tears streaming my dust covered face and my siblings pressed against the back window crying back at me. It was our first time ever apart from one another. The kitchen lady comforted me with a snack and I got to set up my bunk early. Score.

The camp was fun! Definitely a boundary pusher for young chub rub Davis, but I never let them see me weak!! During the course of the camp we had so many adventures and educational experiences. I was the youngest at camp, most were juniors or seniors, so many crushes.. The camp ended in a competition. The categories: tree identification, double buck sawing, chain sawing, compass setting and choker setting. I got first place in all but choker setting, which I got third in. I was awarded most diligent. I left that camp stronger in so many ways. I really think it gave me so much strength and ability to rise above and just make it through. That seriously came out of left field. Wow.. Anyway(sss), back to my vision:

We are in Jackson, it is Friday night we have just had a great meal and now we are at the Cowboy Bar, I love this place!! The best part is that it is packed full of people. Cowboys in their button snap shirts (tucked in), belts on their jeans, cowboy boots, hats and manners. They all dance. Every single one of them!!  It really is a sight to behold because they are ALL good dancers and know how to lead their partner across the floor. So, Lindsey has arranged for CAZ Colins, or something like that (he played in there once and we were in love with him and his music and sexy ways! When he did his prince cover we all threw our panties to him), to play the party in the bar. Everyone is dancing. 

I had arranged with the manager to use the kitchen to get dressed and I go out in my black and white fringe number and walk right up to CAZ, give him a wet long kiss without messing my lipstick and take the microphone. There is a hush in the air. I hear Lindsey scream,'DAYLIGHT!!!!' I tell the crowd that it is the night before her special day and I was hoping that they would all allow me a moment to perform a number for her. The wedding party goes wild and there are a few bud light bottles raised in other parts of the bar.

I clear the dance floor, hit my mark and the manager hits play.... Dance ten, looks three begins. I step, slide, charleston and shimmy my way across the floor.. That ain't it kid, that ain't it, my eyes lock with Lindz. Tears in my soul as I smile bigger and shimmy to the beat. A 5,6,7,8 the time step, freeze. Grab a cab... Move through the final note and pose, energy through the fingertips and body, expand beyond my sphere of existence. The crowd goes wild!!! The band starts up and I am twirled from cowboy to cowboy being the most perfect follow ever, trusting in how they thrust and dip me across the floor. Lindsey and I slow dancing to purple rain as I wipe my lipstick from all over her face. We always said we would be the best couple if I wasn't so gay and she wasn't so strait. What are you going to do? Dance it out! That is our motto.

I just keep picturing this moment. How incredible it feels to get to perform for her in her old haunt, surrounded by the people that love her most. 

I actually told myself that if I was feeling well enough from the latest gout attack, I had some green beans and tomatoes, that I would bring my bag! The reality is, it ain't gonna happen. My heart is in the right place, but my knee is just too swollen still.

As I'm laying here, I hear the alternate wheel in my brain saying,' well, you did have a really great day today and by Friday you could be feeling pretty near perfect maybe you should pack your bag and bring it just in case... I mean it would suck if you didn't have it there and the time was perfect.'

And the other wheel,' and you could just be shot dead right there in the bar and what kind of a wedding gift is that to give to Lindsey?! Way to take her day away from her, you really are a selfish little bitch ain't ya?

'

What to do? What to do? I guess I'll just wait until morning and see what Daylight brings to the day!

The space between my ears

In the days leading up to DRAGALUTION, last Friday, I would continually run through the numbers in my mind. I would picture how it was all going to feel, kept my feet from touching the ground for days. Every moment has exceeded every scenario my mind had painted!!!

So many favorite and important moments; I'll list a few:

Melanie, Austin and Lillian making the trip from Eugene to be with us, for the parade especially!

Nicholas making the trip from Portland and bringing the fiercest version of Annya Allnight EVER!!!!

Fuck you Jerry!!! Becky bringing Jerry so to life and dominating the world with her style and grace!!!

David being able to do the show. And dominating her solo debut!!!!

Katie having to sit this one out, last minute.

Spending the day with Pierce setting up the sound system

Having my Cums family gathered and getting to ride the GlamTram down to the show, making a few loops around town, waving, laughing, hugging and dancing.

Stopping at Supper Club to hug Katrina and T!! A ritual of mine.

Getting off at the theater and seeing so many people gathered to get in to the show; almost everyone dressed up!

This show was important form me, my return to the stage after the year break to heal so that I could do this.

Attitude check!

FUCK YOU BITCH!!! Still rings through my ears and soul.

All these moments have been swirling through the space between my ears.

The show.

What?!?! It was the first time I actually felt like I nailed a performance. I didn't disappoint myself. Big accomplishment (wink).the thrill of standing with our backs to you while Sofanda Dykes cooed us with love for sale. Applause. Applause applause!

Hey big spender! That feeling looping in my soul!

This is how the show went for me... Perfection within the flawed fibre of the world, there were issues, but none that would tear me down.

Drag lessons 101 killed me!!! Still laughing! Ginger, you are perfection!!

All the standing ovations! Melt my little heart.

The after party, dancing, hugging, laughing and discussing.

Seeing Cloud come into focus at the snack bar! He may have missed the show, but he made it for the rest of the festivities!! And by festivities, I mean Regatta Parade!!!

This year, DRAGALUTION and the Lower Columbia Q Center joined forces and we all walked together and rode the float, spreading our love and brightness with no apologies. None. All the love there! The families and friends that gathered to walk with us and celebrate love wins! Because it always does.

I keep thinking of the bravery of the young ones, straight, gay, lesbian, transgender, our elders, each of us surrounded in bright colors of love and light!

Letting the bubble machine, dance tunes and flower petals line the streets where we pass!

The incredible beauty of most of us covered in Holi powder from India making us that much brighter.

The people that came by to be covered in our love, our blessings.

The thrill of rolling through town and seeing friends and family along the sides cheering us along and showering us in love!!! Incredible. There are always those moments, and times when I realize how important it is to be present in life, and that really rang true towards the end of the parade, right by the Fort George, when I saw one of my favorite people from childhood and I gave her a shout out and she rolled her eyes and head at me, not uncommon. I asked her why. She yelled back that," it is because of you and your kind that I don't bring my grandchildren to the parade anymore." I just wrapped her in love and light and kept moving. Broke my heart to hear those words.

It also solidified the purpose of being present in life. Doesn't just have to be in large groups, but to be present as an individual human, sharing space with other humans. Take everything away, and we are all the same.

I've included Ann in my meditations, hoping that she will awaken in this life time and understand that love covers more ground than hatred. That understanding always leads the way and that we are all family. All of us.

Her words only gave me more purpose and vitality. I am on the right path.

I was so moved by how glorious we all were floating down the streets of Astoria and

how great it felt for us all to gather and walk with our hearts open and not apologizing for being our incredible selves!!

All these things have been occupying the space between my ears as I come down from the rush of love we all created together this weekend!!! Let us keep our brightness shinning and surround those that oppose us with warm golden light to help melt the shell of fear conditioning has placed there. Love is the way! And I love you all, all the way!!! Thank you for lifting me up and sparkeling so fiercely with me!!

All my love,

Daylight

The road to DRAGALUTION, or watching my past be torn down each step of the way, or how service club saved my life

I walk to work. I walk just about everywhere these days; and honestly, it has been faster than driving this summer. Right?!?! Part of my walk to work involves my playlist. For the last few months, it has been the numbers from the show coming up on the 7th of August at the Columbian Theater!! Other times, I have my walking playlist. I like a nice beat with an undertone push. Something that grounds me and moves me forward.

On work days, I usually stop by Rusty Cup to see Kristy and flirt and talk a little dirty, laugh loudly take my iced chai and swish down the street. It really gets me going.

I am such a Hoover Upright that I'm usually done with my drink by the time I leave her shop or by the time I hit the red garbage can by the Armory.

I practice this thing called, 'movement visualization', I watch myself performing the number while I am walking. It is a great mind body exercise!! Of course, I always hit a beat here and there and always mouth along, overemphasizing my mouth so it will read from a distance. The looks I get some days!! Cracks me up.

Anyway(sssss), I always walk past the football field, the old one, right across from where the fairgrounds used to be, miss those days. As you may have noticed, they are tearing it down. Watching this journey brought back so many memories for me...

It was always so tough and rough at the football games. I loved to go, but it was just too much for sensitive little me. I joined the service club and it changed my life! I had a purpose at the games, I sold hot dogs, popcorn, soda and candy and got to watch the games!! Yay!!  And on brave days, I would journey over, in my blue and gray Skor windbreaker jacket, swish swish swishing all the way up to sit near the band and watch the cheerleaders do their cheers. "Fishermen sailed the seven seas and brought them to their knees." Or something like that! Oh to be a cheerleader! In another life! Or decade (wink). 

Because this queen is ending the show with a cheer dance with pom poms  and all!!! So, here I am walking down the street, lip syncing to 'when love takes over' picturing my little Moonshine singing out and cheering proud and I just can't help myself, I have to finish out the phrase right there on the street. I love my life!!

The other one that is hard not to dance along with is the number I am dancing with Pelvis Pressme. She has choreographed it for us and it is to my jam song that has been looping through my being the last 6-12 months. Was such a joy to add that to my rehearsal walk to work mix! Hells yeah!!!

When I get back on marine drive I always tone it down, just a bit because there is always just so much traffic. But you know, I already get the stares,  so it really ain't no thing to give them a bit more to gawk at. It helps build up my resilience on stage.

I have realized that I have always enjoyed the security of a counter or stage for public interactions. I truly am a shy person and that barrier, the fourth wall if you will, really does lend such a nice shield when needed. I know it was a main draw for me cooking at the Columbian Cafe for all those years; I got to be a part of the party but got to be a bit removed making it easier on my sensitive nature.

DRAGALUTION helps

me tear down that fourth wall further. I have found I don't like having that distance. I like being a part of the whole and our shows do that. They are interactive and all participating!!!

We are so excited to bring you this show on Friday!! It is really so fantastic and stunning!! Not my typical nasty(wink). It still pushes the boundaries but in a more open and loving it way!

As I watch the John Warren Field lose its shape, I welcome the transformation shaking my foundation and pushing my walls to oblivion. I am ready, I am Cumming for you, I am so into this next step, this leap onto the stage and into the air around us all!!

I can not wait to celebrate with you all on Friday!! See you there if not sooner!!

Much love and with an open heart,

Yours,

Daylight

From where I lay

I'm chilling in my bed, I can hear Back to the Future being played at the park above my house... Maybe it is from the paint fumes from being on my knees for my friend Chris all day, maybe it it is from getting to hang with two of my high school favorites today. Or... It could be the excitement building inside of me as we approach the night of DRAGALUTION on August 7, a few days away!!! All I know is I am drifting back in time and remembering the most fabulous evening of my 10 year high school reunion.

The year 1997. I had only been home from my two years in New York for a few months, almost a year really. I wasn't sure I wanted to attend my reunion, I mean, high school wasn't exactly my favorite experience. And... As part of my arrangement for having my tap studio in the basement of the Elks, I had to agreed to assisting in'entertainment' for the members. Well, the officers decided that they wanted to put on a drag show, with the officers as the queens. Ok. This really is happening. Am I having a whip it flash back? Am I really being asked to put on a drag show at the Elks? I'm in!!! hello!!

We had weeks of rehearsals, the wives wanted to get in on the fun too and they had re-written the lyrics for the Jet theme, from Westside Story, to 'when You're an Elk you're an Elk all the way.....' It was awesome and the all wore dark glasses, top hats and white t-shirts. The best part was that they also wanted to do a big group finally to 'we are family'. I was seriously in heaven. My favorite had to have been one of the fellas dressed as Shirley Temple doing 'on the good ship lolly pop' I still giggle inside everytime I run across that photo in my multi-decade photo box!!

On a whim one day at the cafe., I asked my super hot friend to be my date to the event and my reunion. He was/is straight but a total sport and was down for the fun times I had planned. I guess part of me was all, " I'm gonna show all those people I high school that they were right and I was really gay and I had a hot boyfriend so la la la la la..." None of it true. Even in the big apple, surrounded by ALL those gays and being on all the right guest lists, I still never found my true love, my shared heartbeat. I had returned from the city, ruined, depressed and broken. Couldn't show that reality, so I developed my own script and my buddy was willing to be my date and play.

He arrived at my place, those days I lived across from Star of the Sea,  I had my Stella in the window in a prom dress and I had 2 gorgeous vintage suits picked out for us to wear and we both wore platform shoes, some of my club kid gear that made it back with me. He wore my wingtip black ones and I went with the sling backs in suede.  He drove us in his old sexy truck. Got the door for me and everything. 

We stopped by the Elks first to see how the 'girls' were doing, had a few cocktails  and geared up to make an appearance at the reunion...

My date was perfection!!  We pulled up to the Red Lion Inn and he got the door and held my hand all the way in. I was about to shit my pants from nerves, just like every morning while watching 'Good Morning America' and making my Hershey squirt stops before I had to go to school... But his hand in mine calmed my heart and I was ready to play the part! I remember the first few gasps as we walked in with those platform shoes on and holding hands. I remember a few people rushing over, my date kissing me ON THE LIPS and saying he will grab us some drinks. I remember some of the more popular girls crowding around me and asking questions and the more popular girls surrounding my date and asking him questions. 

When he returned with our drinks; as he is kissing me on the neck, he lingers around my ear and whispers that he told them he met me when we were living in New York, fell in love with me and had to follow me home. My heart is screaming ,' why can't this be real!!!!' We stay for a few dances and make a grand exit telling the tale of the drag show at the Elks.

I floated on the drive to the show. I survived my reunion. Yeah, I had to role play it up, but I did it to own the strength of what I wanted them to see, not the person I really was at that point in time. Oddly, I felt great.

Shit hit the fan when we go to the Elks. The person doing the Madonna number wasn't going to go on. Got too nervous and embarrassed. Suddenly, I am being told that I have to go on and do a number. Me? You have got to be kidding... I haven't rehearsed anything. I have no costume. I'm drunk.

These were not good enough excuses. We were at the Elks. Hello!! Before I know it, one of the gals is slinging me her pantyhose rice tits, I'm running to the basement to strip my Mona out of her white princess Diana from Paradise Island dress and wig and I grab my Madonna CD and get ready to take the stage after Mama Cass.

My date escorts me out to the center spot as the music begins and twirls me out, pulls me in and dips me with a kiss. And away I went. I sold myself to the over 70 crowd sitting there with their meatballs on their little plates, sipping their whiskey and laughing with joy! I can do this, it's just like dancing in the club, only I don't get to be groped. Nailed it. Sat down with my date and watched Dolly tell us how she will always love us, I stir my vodka cranberry and take in the marvel of this night. My true homecoming. It felt like my big coming out to my peers. I was feeling good. Aittle too good if you know what I mean... Why do I always fall for the straight ones!!! Why do they/he have to tease. I ask to go.

When we pull up he says he is going to come up so he could leave the suit with me. Didn't want to ruin in. We walk in.. "Hey Stella!" What a night. We are at my bedroom door. I have 4 alder branches that reach from floor to ceiling at each corner of the bed with old chiffon curtains I got at the rummage sale hung down each side, fastened back with gold ropes and little birds suspended in the corners. Such a queen, I know. Standing there, feeling bucktoothed and goofy; he asks me to help him with the cuff links, yes. Then the jacket and vest... He asked if he could help me with mine and as he was taking my jacket off, he told me that he had had the best night and he was so grateful  finally be able to live out the crush he had always had on me. And with that, he kissed me on the lips and turned and walked out of my home. Stella, did you catch all that? I stand at the window with her as I watch him climb into his beater truck, his thick dark hair with flecks of silver tossing back as he glances up and locks eyes with me and he blows me a kiss as exhaust fills the air and he drives away in the cloud of smoke. My hand grabs Stella and I look at her perfect face and think about what outfit I will put on her tomorrow.. It is Sunday after all, my favorite day to change her and she was ready for a transformation!!

I remember hitting my pillow and running through all the moments of the night and what a night it was!!  I find myself doing that now, as I finish this story with you. What a life!!

I am so excited to take the stage with my family and perform for you all on the 7th of August!! I am so excited about the fun we create in this town and how we just keep going places and opening up more and more for one another. I love that about us, that we are willing to share and explore and transform and grow and support and learn to understand. I am proud to be part of this community!

Your deeply and forever,

Daylight Cums

Back from our palace at the Oregon Country Fair; also known as 'a return to the heart' or ' damn it feels amazing to be in my bed'

Hey there my loves! I just slid my exhausted body into my bed after a very long drive home from the country Fair! I always put clean sheets on my bed before I go out of town, so that I get to slide into something fresh when I return, it's just like always being sure to wear clean panties when going out, don't want to end in a wreck and have someone have to cut off my 'old' panties.

Anyway(ssss), fair is one of those things I look forward to every year. The freedom that surrounds that magical place is one of the ways I have found in my life that I can be my whole self and not even think of needing to feel guilty for being full of my spirit and letting it shine as it will. I was really excited for this year because I was bringing some of my family with me to work in the new booth! There were 9 of us, we made up half of our booths work force and we ruled out gorgeous palace perfectly. I kid you not, Dave, my friend who owns the booth, created an incredible palace for us to work and live at for the 5 days we were there!

I learn so much about myself while at fair. I recognize the fact that I can be a bitch, that if I just look up without focusing on the journey to eye contact that I can look like an evil queen and I learn to soften my resolve and breathe through things instead of responding with my 'snappish 'ways.

Case in point: our gorgeous new booth is in a new loop with many new venders and new camping places to live in. Most booths have their areas assigned to them for staff camping. We had a large crew and so we were in two locations. The one not behind our kitchen, housed 6 of us and was in an awkward location; well, it was awkward for some. There was a logical and clear path to where we were camping but one of the booth owners was really concerned with staking out his area so that it will always be his. It works like that. Anyway(ssss), Safi and Karen were so good at going to get the camp counselor to aid in this situation and try to find resolve. They were so good. Sari really is the most smooth and clear headed person I know. Her voice alone can diffuse a bomb.  She has talked me out of countless explosions, oh those glorious rage issues. The best part is, those spots were only guaranteed for this year and he has no guarantee of security in years to come. I might add, he was part of the ambiance entertainment crew; can't imagine him creating anything too soothing with how he treated us through all of the extremely calm, thoughtful and resolution based negotiations we had for TWO fucking days. We moved our camp. I was there to be with my fair family, not to be wedged into a corner, unable to move freely from my home out into the world. Nobody puts baby in the corner!!

Smudge break.

Honestly, it taught me so much. It made me realize how much I can not bare being trapped, unheard, invisible and disrespected. To the best of my abilities, I really do try to be a kind and loving human; really I do.

Those first two days were rough. We were stepping into a whole new world with this booth and walking up to it my breath was taken away with how big and beautiful it was.... And how much work we had left to do! And you know, it just happens. Keep plugging along and the work gets done and the party goes on the whole te. It was really incredible watching the dance pavilion being constructed at the same time.

Where I stood to make crepes. , I had a direct line with the stage and all of the performers and people there to dance and learn to dance. It was so beautiful, I just know I cried into a few crepes. The , to see my friends in the dance community up there performing! Heaven. I was blessed enough to be asked by my friend, N8, from Work Dance Company out of Eugene, to announce them when they were in the showcase! Yes! Hello!!

I think one of my favorite moments this year was getting to walk through the fair at night with Sari, David, Jared, Zach, Jessamyn, Andrea, Jordan, Sofie and Aidan and take them to my favorite spots. To show them the path through the darkness and arrive at the most incredible places!! Our first stop, and this is a tradition for me, was ravioli at Rising Moon. It is like dining at an Italian restaurant in the forest; also known as perfection. Them, we wandered to the Ritz to listen to music and see the lights in the trees; visit with friends. We stopped at Altered Space and breathed in together. We all laid in a field and gazed at the vastness of the skies after having just stood within the universe in energy park. Blew my heart and mind wide open.

One of my favorite things to do is to just wander in the dark alone and sense my way through this maze of life. I just love it! I love seeing people dressed how they wish, some with not much on; others with the most elaborate and thought out pieces of art. Life is art!! It is s means for us to find self expression and freedom from our fears.

Shedding those layers we carry around; often not even aware of the fact we have just been dragging what ever it may be that is holding us back or down around with us for how ever long that may be. The trick: once we recognize the pattern, we can step beyond it. It's being strong enough to see the pattern and being willing to break that chain and step beyond...(I just had 'chains of love' by Eurasure pop into my head).

I love all the laughter and music that vibrates through the fair. I love getting to openly make eye contact with people, strangers, someone with a magic that pulls you in. I love getting to work hard and bring love to those I meet along the way.

This fair was just so incredible for me!!! I ran into so many friends I haven't seen in years. I got to speak my heart and hear other hearts speak. I was blessed enough to witness my friends be swept up into the arms of Mother Nature and be soothed and cleared. I was able to shed some of my hurt and come home more vulnerable and open and ready for what fun and life changing situations shall present along my way. What I always step away from fair with is to challenge myself to keep that opening as I step back into the world that is slowly tuning itself out. I strive to stay open, to make eye contact, to hug morr, listen more, talk less and dance more.

Rage issues...or...chub rub davis and the revelation of being a childhood bully...or... How I let the stage transform my rage

I have spent many many years and countless hours in therapy and trust building situations to bring myself to a deeper understanding of why I do or think as I do. I recognize I have hurt people along my path just as I have been wounded along mine. And to any person I have ever hurt, I am sorry.

Yesterday, the 4th of July, I was at a family gathering picnic at the lake. It was the first time our three families had been together like this in years, and by years I mean decades. I was excited and nervous. Will I remember names? Can I borrow a car so I can leave when I feel ready? God, the last time I was at the lake with all these people, I was in my t-shirt as a bathing top phase of my teens. Could hold a good half a cup of liquid in my belly button. Am I going to be able to control my tongue and not cuss as I like? I mean, I really don't mind, but then I do. I respect these ladies and gents that all raised us. And for them, I like to keep my speech when I am around them. My old fashioned nature. However, I did not edit myself. I went as my big gay self. My favorite part was when I went to swim with my niece. I'm standing around the table with my mom, a bunch of my childhood friends and my niece and I remove my shirt and my friend says," better remove that fancy belt buckle too."

As I continued to remove my shorts, I replied,"oh, I wore my bathing suit." (With a wink). And I let the shorts drop and he replied," where is the rest of it?" And I said," in Europe." And walked smoothly to the lake and swam with my niece.

I was in heaven!!! The water was so warm and I was surrounded by beauty and the sound of laughter in the air.

Making it to shore, I splashed the three girls sitting on the dock. And one of the fellas yells," and that is why I stay clear of Mark in the water, he is a bully." Laughter. Me???? A bully??? I prefer prankster and rebel rouser. Playful even. As I was laying in the sun drying off, I kept running through the reels in my mind. Memory search: me as a bully... Files uploaded and uploaded. My system was overloading. Wow!! I guess I was a bully. But I felt like I was fighting for my place. I mean what kind of a person asks their school mates to help hold down a girls so I could steal a kiss? A bully. I mean, I secretly did I because I wanted her raspberry lipgloss on my lips. I was going crazy thinking about it and I did the only thing I could think of to do since she wouldn't let me try it.. I stole a kiss. My bad.

Or what about the time I gave the girl a tittle twister in the microfilm room my senior year because she knees me in the nuts? It was a reaction, but bully all the same. So sorry.

Over the years, I have trained myself to not react so fully in situations. I keep myself on a short leash. Hard to believe, I know but it is true. I have taught myself to be a proper human being. I hold doors for people. I, to the best of my abilities, respect my elders. I survey a situation and find the smoothest and best way through it. In my mind, I believe others have done the same; and when it appears they havent, my skin starts to boil. And it is over the most stupid stuff. For example, I do not understand how anyone can think it is ok and acceptable to bring outside food or beverage into another dining establishment.. It is just impolite, tacky and rude. It bothers me that people don't check to see if anyone is behind them when going through a doorway. I am always stunned when I watch a family sitting out sharing a meal and each person is on their own phone totally checked out. When did we stop caring for one another? 

See.. The rage. How many of us have thrown something when it isn't working right? How many of us tell off other drivers because they are driving like idiots?

The stage and performing has really provided me with skills to examine and understand my human condition and how I move through it. Choreography especially. I love putting my tap shoes on and just dancing it out . Finding a pattern within the frustrated rhythm coming from my shoes and letting the language unravel with every time step I hoof out. Oftentimes, when I am at my most frustrated, I will have a movement phrase that will repeat in my body and I move it until I get beyond it. I let gravity and momentum drive me through space and time as I unleash my rage and find the dance. The beauty within. We are lucky, we have the ability to see one another and recognize the similarities between us. That is why stories, movement, an image can affect us so profoundly. We feel. But we live in an age where we are tuning out and forgetting how to listen, how to see...

I was at a meeting the other day and we were talking about the float for the Regatta parade, and it came up that some people didn't want to walk with us because there will be drag queens involved and they just are not comfortable with that. I felt my tiger want to roar and lash out. I heard all of the snap backs I could rattle off. Instead, I took a breath and calmly replied,"that as a community, and in the context of this meeting by community I mean the LGBTQ community, now, more than ever we should be standing together and supporting the vast diversity within our population. Thank God! We are a family and we need to learn to work together, especially in this small town. I am usually one of the only ones that dresses in drag for the parade, and I'm sorry I can not make myself small to make you feel more comfortable. I will treat you with kindness and greet you with an open heart, but I will not make it small." Sorry.

Then

, last night, I was having a conversation with a new friend and he was curious about the drag queen thing because he has always had a more narrow opinion about them and was totally turned around after our conversation and thanked me for helping him understand it more. See, he had a question, he asked it, we talked about it and we parted both feeling more full and satisfied with human interaction.

Then, I got to end my day with my lovely mom, my little brother and his girlfriend/my friend/tap student and played bocce ball as we waited to watch the fireworks. I had other friends arrive and we all sat in the beauty of the moment, each of us with our own set of life issues, rage and understanding and as a family of life we took in the show and marveled at the beauty of the world around us as freedom rang through the night sky.

Never too old to learn...

I was 28 when I learned that you had to use both eyes when looking through a view master, or binoculars.. I know. I. Know. But I'm just a bit stupid most of the time...

I learned this lesson one evening while at some friends house looking at their 3d photos from a recent trip. I'm sitting around a table with A LOT of super smart people; so their reaction to my statement,'well, time to switch eyes, my left one is tired.' The room went silent before they gasped. Followed by,' you are joking right?' No. I wasn't joking. I've always looked through with just one eye because it makes my eyes ache when I try to use both. Yes, once again, my 'silliness' becomes the laugh track for the evening, which happened to stretch into months. Good thing I can take a joke.

At this time, I was working at Star of the Sea and on my lunch break I would go into the preschool room and look at all of the old Disney view masters I just never 'got' as a child. My mind was blown. I was finally seeing these things in 3d and finally understood what all the fuss was about as a child.

I try to do that when I am just out and about, looking at the 3D quality of the world we live in. I am always amazed when I can be looking at something and then I all of a sudden can see it more vastly. Seeing the depth of the tree line around this gorgeous town, looking at my friends and family as the complete beings they are rather than the stored idea of what my mind registers them as. Recognizing my back space as equally as my front space. For most of my life I have not really paid much attention to how the back half of me moves through this world. I was too wrapped up on the front half and trying to keep most of it covered up out of childhood silliness and fear. 

It is one of the things I work on a lot along my path of self awareness and discovery. I call it 'my unfolding' of the layers of guilt and shame, mostly from always wanting to keep myself covered across the belly and crotch. I have developed this spiral, diagonal hold from protecting everyone from my 'masculinity ', gayness and gut. It has always been the classic cross the leg and cross the arm and hunch to keep it under wrap thing.

Seriously, what was I thinking.

This year, I have started to see myself, and more importantly, feel myself within the space I occupy. One morning, while breaking my rule of not using a mirror, I stood and witnessed myself and I saw the physical strain my body has been under from all these years of straining to keep it together. So now the work begins. Now, I cut through that restraint and work on freeing my body, mind and soul from all those years of conditioning. But hey, now I get to go through my collection of 3D images I have logged away and really examine them and see what is really there in the depths. I'm sure it won't be as incredible and fun as looking at those Disney images, clicking my way to a happy ending; but it is me I'm talking about so I am sure it will be colorful regardless of the issue I'm observing.

That Sweet Pride Glow

I was so excited for pride this year! It was the first year I was going to get to share it with someone special and I simply vibrated with excitement. Then he broke up with me. 

Now, I had been preparing for this from the get go. I admit I'm a lot to handle, and I'm not talking about in my pants, that is all nut (wink). I am, also, not an experienced dater and I was swimming in fresh new waters with this one, so I was prepared. At the same time, I lived it so fully because it was all so new to me and being looked and and touched by someone that was really into me was a sensation foreign to this queen. 

So, when he told me that we were through I was able to accept his words with grace and step forward feeling fine.

Of course, my heart was sad. Yes, I cried. But I was,also, so thankful to have had the time that we had together. Funny thing, I had just written a letter to a friend and had talked about him...a lot; and, as I was peeing I thought that if we made it to August it would be the longest I'd ever dated anyone, 6 months. The phone rang.

I know right! My mantra upon hanging up was, "keep your heart open and continue stepping out and up and full of life." He unlocked a part of myself that hadn't been free since I was a child, I wasn't about to allow myself to shut it down or be heartsick about it. I was going to continue this glorious new aspect to my being and take it even further as I soar on!!

My friend, Nicholas, came down for the week (it had been planned long before the breakup, he didn't come to comfort me;)) for our Big Gay Skate Night at the Astoria Armory, our Astoria Pride, and to be in the commercial we were doing for Painted Lady Gin for North Coast Distilling. Yes, Daylight Cums is the spokes queen for the fabulous gin!!! It really is my favorite!!

For myself, roller skating is my soul dance! I feel myself in the sky as I glide across the surface of the world on my skates! This event was special too because I am hoping to have them once a month!! So, I had to be beautiful for the party!! I spent the day cooking food for the potluck and laying in the sun and dancing to happy beats!

Then, I put my face on and Nicholas and I headed out to art walk downtown.

I had THE time of my life!!!! Getting to stroll downtown and visit with my friends and family and take in art, hugs and laughter; my heart was bursting. I felt so alive to be out in the warmth of the sun and take in all the love being given to me. It really was just the best! 

Could have been my favorite moment, but then I got to the Armory and saw my niece!! She said, " I have never gotten to see you like this; and I love it a lot!" And then she hugged me and gazed at me with so much love I thought I might burst.

And the Shanghai Roller Dolls stopping to cheer me on!!!  Full I tell you.

The party was such a great hit! They are going to let us do it once a month!!!! Yay yay yay! I got to skate with my girl, Ronda, who I used to drive up to Portland with to go dancing back when we were younger. We just circled the room, holding hands, talking, laughing. Seeing so many friends taking to the floor, some for their first time, others for the first time in years; the joy was so abundant. We were skating and having fun and letting our spirits lift and giggle. Then, my niece takes my hand and we skate   and talk and laugh. I am telling you, I was vibrating with love! 

Nicholas in his wig and hot hot hot shorts!!! The best pride ever!!

Next morning, Sunday Market! Yes, go grab some goods for the episode filming on Wednesday. Wandered through, visiting with friends, hugging, laughing, hanging with family. So perfect!

I am so lucky. 

The episode was the conclusion to my pride celebration. I have missed doing these episodes so much. It has been a year and a half. Finally, I'm back in the studio/my kitchen. I spent the morning prepping all the yummy food and getting the deck set up for the party. I worked on my tan as I was roasting the veggies. Really the best tanning tool, 15 minute flips.

I got all dolled up. I wore the same outfit from the skate night because it made me feel so good. Camera crew arrived and we got to it.

Teri Yukki and Ginger Vitus showed up. Nicholas had to leave early.  Got all the filming done, I'll spare you the description since you will be able to see it shortly!!

And my brother showed up on his Harley so I could get a shot on the back holding a cross bow, a girl has her dreams.

And we sat and ate and drank Painted Lady gin and tonics and I just knew that this is the most magical place. I am so blessed to get to be surrounded by such compassion and beauty and laughter and life. I love my abundant family and all the gifts and lessons we bring to life in one another! 

Yours Always,

Daylight