Dark (F)Arts and Other Noises

Greetings from the other side my loves!! The other side of what, you may wonder....Good question. You will have to bare with me as I find my stride on my new keyboard!! The past few years, I have been typing all my blogs from the trusty phone, so my other eight fingers are trying to remember this fun act of typing!

I think it is so funny that the same day I get my computer, I get a coat from my mom too.  It is funny to me because the coat is the same color and makes the same sounds as the coat I would wear in typing class in high school.  It was my security blanket, in many ways.  My mom, also, gave me a gorgeous black and silver fancy scarf. She said, "And this is for Daylight, I think she could use it for something."  Melt my heart.

It has been like that a lot lately.  Not just from my mom, but from many people in our lovely little town of Astoria.  People giving me a hug and telling me that they see me and what I do and they appreciate me for it.  People sending me emails saying the same.  I can not even begin to express how these moments are the fuel I need to continue on with my journey.  I always say we all do it together, we are an incredible team!!!  There are those of us that are willing to be the face of things and others that make up the limbs, the torso, the skin; and all of us make  the heart beat.  We bring breath into the world together.

The beautiful thing for me, is to watch how our roles shift and grow and the more time that passes, these parts that we make up to create a whole; begin to transform and be able to be supported on its own and so on and so on.... just like that old Prell Shampoo commercial.  

This weekend was the Festival of Dark Arts at the Fort George.  The past few years, we have been there as Daylight and the Dark Forest Minstrels.  The parading we did around the buildings amongst the people everyone taking in the fun and celebration of the moment.  This year, we were not all able to be there and our troupe took on a different form.

In my process, I was going to say as an artist, but really as a human, I find that it is so satisfying to not hold onto things.  I always change up my shows, try to mix up how I teach, what I teach, how I walk places, how I interact with others; so finding out we were a band without a band was like finding out that we are at 5 minutes to curtain and we still haven't run the whole show.... You just have to run with it. 

And we did!!! It was raining hard too and I wasn't about to get my fur wet so we stayed on the stage and did our own blessing and sharing of the space.  It is always a challenge to allow myself to go to the places I need to go, in public, with strangers watching.  Our shows are always different because they are filled with people we know and love and the support is boundless and electric and soul saving.  The Lovell room, not so much; and yet, it was everything.

At one point, I was with Cameron and we were hawks circling the space and sending out our call to the Universe, to the Great Spirit, to God, to the Goddess, to All beings that we were here and blessing this ground and asking for guidance and wisdom as we danced through our experience.  Derek's drumming leading the pulse of our hearts and beings.  Andrea carving through and showering the space with her golden light.  Jessamyn and I finding one another mid air and joining our bodies for a succulent descent to earth as the dance continued on.  Golden light filling the space at the dawn of the Dark Arts. Poetry in motion.  My life in real time.  Our heart beats as one and all.

Holding space all day.  Being mesmerized by Cameron as she did her dance for us; me kneeling and taking in the breathtaking clarity of her movement, seeing the electricity of her being shining out and blessing us all. Jessamyn leading us through the passions and mysteries and subtleties  of the body. Each movement bringing us all closer to understanding how glorious life can be.  Beholding the sweet fragrance of life manifest in her powerful presence.  All of us held in that moment, her sword cutting through to the truth of existence, that we are all here together and that our passion given life through kindness and love is all we need to break down the walls.

I needed that moment; to feel that wholeness. The day had been so incredible up to this point.  So much wonder and question.  A drag queen at a beer festival, should only make you wonder. Right (wink).  The first time in the bathroom was the best, pissing at the urinal is always a moment of pause for a fellow pisser; as I was leaving the bathroom a guy passed me and double took me and checked the sign on the door just to make sure.  I told him he was in the right place.  Directly after that, a mom, with a baby on her back, asked if her daughter could ask me a question. Totally!! I love questions. "Are you a boy or a girl?" I smiled and knelt down and said,"I am a man and I am a drag performer and when I do that I dress as Daylight; and she is a woman."
She holds me in her eyes and says," You look like a princess." Made me so happy.  Her mom and I had a moment and off I was swept in the sea of beer and beards.

Back at the altar, Ali Alt started his set and he kept me on the dance floor grooving to the beats and letting myself be seen and just dancing it out.  Dancing beyond my fears and the looks and sneers of beer drinkers from out of town.  Dancing my soul with the ones that felt the moment and found their way to the space I was in and we shared the sounds and the time and knew we were in it to win it.  Ericka, a gal I met that day, letting it all out with me.  The room a glow in gold and lavender, people join in, people wanting photos, hugs, a dance a spanking and a blessing.

One woman came to me and said I was her hero for life.  She came back with her husband and their friends and we all danced and hugged and celebrated unity and beauty and beer.  As the joy festival continued, the darkness began to be more visible in the corners and slashing through the space of the room.  The looks got longer and less kind. The circling began.  Brought me back to too many memories.   Too much violence and fear.  I have learned that just because I go forward with an open and loving heart and trust in human kindness, doesn't mean others do, and I can feel out a room and I have learned when it is time to duck out.

I did it graciously and without anyone knowing I had left the building.  I was feeling crushed down and couldn't let that feeling destroy me so I went to the Astoria Coop and bought a water and finally got to meet Lulu!!!!!! She lifted me up from the ground and I dusted myself off and headed out into the rain, wet pelt and all.  I knew my brother was going to be at Supper Club, so I stopped by to say hi and have a moment with T!! She lifted me up even further.

Back on the street, the wind blowing so dramatically, blowing my kimono in ways I have always dreamed of; I felt so glorious and mysterious wandering downtown, alone, heart open and one foot in front of the other.  Becky and her squeeze, even though I got her face wet from my pelt, got my heart shining again and I heard the gypsy's call and my feet found their way to the warmth of her space and the embrace of Vicki and David.  We did a little photo shoot to commemorate my first time in the shop.  I always love a good photo shoot!!!

Charlotte and the gang were my last stop on my journey home as I let the wind lead me home.  Head held high, heart open, one foot in front of the other as I pass the library and walk up exchange the fading light wanting to bring a pause to my step as I say no; just one more step beyond my comfort zone as I get one step closer to home.  I don't know what really happened to me; but I do know that I have grown from the experience.  I recognize that just because I feel safe, the guard is always on duty to step in when a situation needs to be remedied. 

I know that I am everything with your love.  I know I am stronger from knowing you.  I know that bravery is within all of us in our own ways as we deal with what this life hands out to us.  Are we going to walk on with open hearts and kindness or bitterness and fear?  Are we going to hug it out or fight it out? I know I am going to keep on dancing it out and taking every moment I can with you.

Endlessly yours,
Daylight

Learning through meaningful experiences #gettingoutofmyownway

For some odd reason, this evening, the eve of my 47th birthday, I am guided to my palo santo wood and a nice end of the year smudge. This is idea occurs as I am washing my teeth. 

Returning to my room, I grabbed my stick and struck a match, placed it to the candle on my special space in my room and as I stood there holding the palo santo to the flame; I watched the aspects of my life warm to the light.

I saw the people that are my protectors and guides smiling at me and encouraging me on. 

I go into my smudge dance and invite the tensions, lessons, joys, pains and fears to leave me, making room for more life. As I near the end of my dance, I am drawn to my baby book. Mom and dad gave it back to me when they sold the house some years back. I place it on my bed and start looking through the pages of announcements, news of the times and cards going up to my 9th birthday.

There is an old Columbia Press from 1976, 40 years ago with a nice photo of me and some others from Star of the Sea

"Learning through meaningful experiences"It really is the title to my life book. I know I've always said its going to be 'I Should Have Known' but this just rings so true!

The caption below my photo reads:"The purpose of Star of the Sea School is to educate the whole person with value awareness." 

Value awareness, I love it!! 40 years ago, little me a poster child for value awareness. And I'm still fighting on.

It wasn't until this very moment, in fact, it is what is driving me to write these words to you on the eve of my birthday, because I don't know if I will see it as clearly as I do at this very moment.

Sitting here, I flashed to the moment at the end of singing 'My Way' and mom jumping out of her seat, unable to contain her joy for me, her gay son in his gold glittered feather collar and tap shoes. Her little gay son who is always pushing on and pushing out. The gay son that would always tone it down when mom is around, try to cover up, the whole loop of shame rants that would scream through my mind all dropped away in that moment.

It's taken almost a month to process that moment and the shift I feel has happened within me. I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed for them for having me. 

I know that is a strange statement but I've always felt like a bit of a disappointment, like I was bummed for so long because I couldn't be the man that they had dreamt I'd be.

These are my issues, these have been my projections on them because they love me so openly and fully that it is a mystery on why it has taken me so long to step out of my own way.

This is game changing intel!! This is mind and soul blowing great news. This is my ticker tape parade and I'll march  my band out, I'll beat my drum...

The Awakening

As we step through the forest, I feel the moist moss and decaying debris beneath my feet, I feel the crisp breeze blow through my hair and between my legs, providing me with a deeper thrill for adventure. Your hand, however, is the one thing I am most aware of. It is so strong and rough, signs of a lifetime of hard work, at the same time, your touch is so gentle and assuring; as if I'm being lead by the most spry spirit of the forest.

Your smell is like leather mixed with vanilla and tobacco and a lingering of camp fire. Your stride strong and wide, I almost struggle to keep up, but the sight of your thighs and ass in your brown leather pants keeps me on your tail. I just can't help myself. 

As we make our way to the rise, you turn to me, your blue eyes quenching my thirst, your smile leading me on. You speak," We will rest at the crest of this hill, Queen Daylight. I will answer your questions then."

Queen Daylight?? As we make it to the rise, a sparkle catches my eye, I follow and see an incredible sight!! A table set beneath a pavilion of linen and gold, lavender and rosemary fill the air. As we reach the table, he pulls out my chair and bows with such a flourish, I do feel like a queen. Hawk takes the seat to my right and pours me a glass of water and presents me with a meal of fruits and cheese. As Hawk bites into a strawberry, I ask,"Where are we going? Why did you call me queen?"

Wiping the juice from his cleft chin, he holds me in his eyes and replies,"We are heading just beyond this valley over the coast range to have an audience with The Oracle. He had heard of your Awakening and had me leave his side to wait for your emergence and bring you to him. It was foretold that upon your Awakening you would be given your quest and once completed, ascend to your throne as Queen Daylight, the Warrior Queen of Love."

"You are joking right?! How am I fit for a quest? I have no training in protecting myself or finding whatever it is I am to find... Who am I to question anything? I did just sprout right up out of the earth after my visit with the man at the waters edge. Oh my god, it is all coming back to me. Yielding to the water and the song it gave my soul; being pushed to the edge of everything I have known and surrendering to the pressure, allowing myself to be transported and transformed as the ancestors, holding me through their rock forms as I was carried down stream and away. Parts of me carried to the sea, parts absorbed into the shore, carried away on the wings of birds and the fur on animals, photosynthesis. I was given to the whole and the mysteries of life the seed of knowledge that sprouted me up and out and into your presence.!" 

I rise excitedly and exclaim,"we must leave at once!! I have many things to speak to The Oracle about."

That said, I stride forward knowing exactly where we were going, the heart beat of The Oracle finding rhythm with my own, pulling me on. As we step on, Hawk turns and nods; I look back and see the few squirrels and rabbits that were along the shrub line move towards the table and shift into human form. Wawawawhat??? The veil has been lifted, my eyes see beyond. Glorious to behold! As I turn back to the trail, I notice that Hawk has taken lead again, I'm not complaining, great view and it's the carrot I'd want to have dangled in front of me leading me on.

Our journey is effortless. By nightfall, we are making our way down from the coast range, I hear music in the distance, drums and violin, the smell of roasting food fills the air as the music and my heart beat pulls us on.

This scene is odd. As we move back into the woods, the area has a strange murky quality to it, the air is thick and moist, every so often an abandoned car occupies space amongst the trees, covered in moss and decay. I feel like I am walking through very old sacred ground. The cars are not junk, but rather monuments from the past. As my vision widens, I notice more than just cars. We are walking through an ancient town, there are light poles, chimneys, partial walls, walkways.

Hawk indicated with his right hand that we are going just 'across the street', I already know that. I can see The Oracle's aura from where I stand. It's glow and vibration filling the space around us. Such presence.

As we step down age worn stairs, we enter an old courtyard that has multiple levels and each level is a living quarter. A large fire pit burns in the center and just beyond I see The Oracle, sitting on a very large mound of pillows and furs. The Oracle is in heavy robes of green and blue velvet trimmed in silver and gold, an open chest heavy with crystals and bones and feathers. Laughter thunders out as we step into the room.

to be continued....

Just Touching Down

I've just landed! I have been soaring in the heavens from our time together New Year's Eve. As I've been suspended in space from all the love, I have been allowing my senses to relive the feel of that magical night.

It all really began this past week as we got the sound equipment in the theater and all of the members of our show gathered for our first run through Monday night. I had hopes that what I had assembled would be all I had pictured it to be and my dreams were satisfied beyond measure. I love the rehearsal process, watching each of us find our footing through our nerves and excitement so that we can bring the best we have forward the night of the show!!

The day of our show, I went down early and made the 'Drag Queen Punch' and Jeanine and I did some last minute cleaning and planning before our final dress. 

The excitement was building!!! After the final run, Sari and I took a drive out to the beach to do our New Year ritual; after many attempts, we found a spot that wasn't too windy for our lighter and we burnt away. It was a strong reflection of the year: so many things heaped on and loaded tight and all we can do is find the patience, shelter and courage to stay the course to completion. Together we are all stronger.

I was made so aware of that at the show.

I got home in time to make some veggies and rice and begin the transformation into Daylight Cums, Queen for the evening. David and I had been working and reworking my hair for a month to get it to be the vision of perfection I was wishing for. We nailed it!!!

At 7:30, the pre-party house guests arrived for some cheer befor the Glamtram came to pick us up at 8:30. We had drinks and smoke and many photos!!!

Then, it was time to go!! We all boarded the Glamtram and rode into town with Vogue dancing us through the streets. I always have to swing by the Supper Club, to see T and the girls, it is tradition!! Love them all so much!!!

My heart is a flutter, I'm so nervous because this show is so personal and heartfelt and I wanted to be able to be my authentic self on stage, and sometimes ego likes to get in the way...and my mom was coming and that meant more than I could let on, because I needed to keep it together until after the show.

It was so cold, we opened the doors early. Our newly formed Lower Columbia Q Center had our table set up with information and joy to share and I stood by the door and got to greet everyone as they entered!!

I was wrapped so beautifully in hundreds of embraces!! The thing that grabbed me about the gathering was how much childhood family and friends and Astoria locals were there and my friends that traveled from Portland and beyond to be there with us!!!! Aaron and Vince and the Roman clan,  Colleen and Kevin, Vicki and Dave, Nicholas and Shane!! Becky Becky Becky!!!!! Ryan and Jorge, the three of us celebrating our 3 year anniversary of friendship!!!! Scott and Michael Foster!! Sari and Dean!!!! Dana and Grim! Steven and Lisa!!!The names keep on going and going!!! Briony behind the lense and Josh, Steven, Damien and Marine dancing along!!!

Backstage, before the show, we formed a circle and soaked up the love and excitement and grounded ourselves into the moment so that we could step on the stage in our truth and bring you the show we want to send into the New Year! Having Mags and Shay performing with me again!!! My heart:) Summer finally taking the stage! Suzi joining us with her skills and finesse!! Kim, Andrea, Jessamyn, Josh, Dinah and David!!! Jeff on sound!!!! Dan on lights, River and Jeanine. Sofie!! Bryan and Tara!! Josh Baer at the bar!! My Jell-O shot gals: Alison, Sarah, Kendra, Sofie! GRETCHEN! And the mistress of the balcony, Norma!!!!

Showtime!!!!

We take the stage, fans out, lights and music go..."let me entertain you...."

I can't even begin to describe the feeling of being up there and feeling the support!!

I mentioned how we were going to take all of the pains and joys and frustrations and challenges from this past year and release them with every clap and cheer so we can make room for the path of this new year. My mom delivered them to me when she jumped up to hug me. That moment has been replaying in my soul. The tears that have been flowing.... I'm getting ahead of myself.

After the opening number, Jared took to the stage and started us on the path to amazing music and song!!!! I sat next to mom and she grabbed her tissue to wipe the tears from my face, which just about brought on more tears. Next up, we had the wonderful Martin charm us with his voice!

Then, Teri Yuki and Ginger Vitus took to the stage and performed their song!!! So proud of those two!! And, I turned over the microphone  to my co-hostess, Dida!! Can not even begin to express my gratitude and joy at having her on the stage with us!!! Seriously.

Aleesha warmed our hearts with her song and Daric rocked us out of our seats as he filled the room with his song! Jessamyn and I lead us to intermission with the dance she choreographed for us!!!

Act 2, had me nervous. The death of butterfly. It was poetic in many ways.

Sen had asked me to perform some arias from Madame Butterfly, and I asked him if we could do it for the show. This was a challenge for me. Learning to sing the songs in Italian so that I could convey the tragic story. I have always been quite fan of opera, and this seemed the perfect way to share it with the community. Then, into the Butterfly Fleet video!! Thank you Tyler Little!!

Sofonda Dykes took the stage with her Goldfinger and Zora Backdoora and Bustin Cherry sang  'baby it's cold outside' as we did a pass the hat for the warming center!! We raised $650 for them!!!! Thank you!

Dida sang her final song and welcomed our special guest to the stage, Marco!

He hasn't performed in almost 7 years! He has allowed me to take center stage and hasn't complained once and as a gift, I allowed him to perform because it meant so much to him!!

He stood up there in his gold glittered tipped feather coat and talked about his throat chakra and how this year has been about his voice and his truth and he worked on a song to share with us. He sang 'My Way' a song his mom had been wanting him to sing for years.

The crowd loved him right then, everyone was on their feet at the end and then the most unexpected and beautiful thing happened:

Mom jumped up from her seat with tears down  her face and grabbed me in an embrace of such total love and acceptance that the whole room felt it and within that hug she had given me everything we had bee releasing from the year and I accepted it into my heart, wiped my tears and we gave you one last family bow and one last big finish dance number withTAP!!!!! And I soared away and took to the heavens with all that love and pain and joy and sorrow and I opened myself to the heavens and allowed it to release and the stars soaked it up and I shimmered in their beauty as I gently floated back to earth so much stronger and more grounded than I have ever felt.

I can not even begin to express my gratitude for all that you all do for me!!! I love more deeply and honestly because of you.

And mom, I can not even tell you how much you being there and celebrating with us meant not only to me, but the rest of the community as well. You are the mother of the year according to more than just me!!! I love you!!

As we wander through this New Year, let us all keep in mind the support we all shared for each other and bring that to our daily lives and continue to blossom in the amazing community most know as Astoria, and we know a home!!

Completely yours,

Daylight

Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together or.....trembling before you

Truth be told, I am an extremely emotional person. Years of having to be an altarboy for funerals and weddings helped curb me of my constant flow of tears. I could hold my little plate to catch the crumbs under the most grief ridden, mascara stained face without even a dampening around my eyes.

This trick, or gift, came in handy for me with all the years of abuse, physically and verbally. You will never see me crumble. No, not me. I am strong and I will save my tears for the privacy of my own room or beach thank you very much.

As I remove more of my protective gear, I find the surge of emotions rush over me more freely and I enjoy welcoming a nice waterfall from my eyes.

Some days, I just can't help myself. I will be sitting in a room with friends and just feel so blessed to be surrounded and supported by so many wonderful and loving people and my eyes swell.

Just today, while walking to work, rehearsing a few numbers as I strutted down the street, a particular song came on and I found myself within the moment of the number... I should pause here to say that while I walk rehearse, I use movement visualization, I picture myself in the moment of the performance so I can feel the depth of the movement. I usually place visual memories of all our bodies in the theater, the energy in the room just lifting us up and supporting us. That love!!!

So, I'm having that moment, working on this particular number, a number I'm really doing for my mom, and now she is actually going to see it live and it got my heart fluttering and I had to chant my,"keep it together keep it together keep it together" while I was working on the song so that I wouldn't cry. However, in this moment, I let the tears fall, because it felt so good. And, it's good practice to make it through the tears, especially in front of all of you.

So, if you see me crying, know they are tears of joy from us all being together ringing in the new year!!!!

It has been a tough year for all of us and we have made it through. We have weathered the storm, faced our demons, loss, change, so much change. And we are at the point where we can examine what we faced and bid it a farewell as we ready our hearts and minds for this amazing year ahead of us!! We are stronger together and the more open and loving we can be with one another the more peace and joy we will find along our paths! I will be looking for you.

All my love as we move forward,

Daylight

The visitor at the beach

 I find myself sitting at the beach, again, on my rock; the place I allow myself to stand unguarded and vulnerable to the world and the powers that be. It is the place I am able to see just how small I truly am in the scope of the world. Oftentimes, things seem so massive, life and problems too big to even face, fear pushing me down and causing my soul to shrink. Not here, at the jetty, the salt air filling my lungs, the wind caressing my skin and the sound of the waves finding their way into my heartbeat and within that moment of connection I see beyond myself and the world and recognize that we all roll with the tides. Some days we are on the high, other days the low but it is always shifting and changing and moving on.

As I sit there feeling the screams within subside and my shields drop as the warmth of the rocks seep into my core, grounding me, the crack of the waves trembling the very place I sit. The sun breaks through, glorious rays of light jumping free and making the ocean appear to be mercury so thick and silver and oddly gold. The sky takes my breath away and the bird soaring in the sky grabs my attention. It is so large and graceful and its wings carry the bird across the water towards shore, towards me.

I think nothing of it, birds soaring over head always fills me with excitement and awe. This bird was approaching me, however, as in flying right to me, descending to my very spot at the jetty. As it makes its final descent, I am able to see past the blinding brilliance in the sky and I notice that the bird is actually a man; it is you, the man I have been coming here to hold space for in your absence. 

You land before me, wings turning into arms and they wrap me in an embrace I have been craving these past many years. As you hold me, I allow myself to be held and to hold you; I breathe in, grabbing the rich aroma of you... Smells I've missed. I can feel your ancestors in a drum circle around us as our embrace lifts me from the earth as you whip me through the sky with your touch.

You let go of me, but still stay connected, taking me in with your eyes. Oh how I've missed your pools of blue. The depths they took me to, always thinking there would be a shore to rest upon, the reality is last time I gazed into your eyes way nearly 20 years ago. 

Do you recall our first meeting? We met before we ever met. In that space between worlds, me looking for my guide and you appearing from the forest guiding me along my way. You stepped forward, caught me with your eyes and I was pulled towards you, a pull which turned to flight and I landed on the middle of three branches facing north, I looked down at you, only you are me looking up at me and I was a hawk facing north.

Our first physical encounter was from across the street as you caught my eye at the corner of 11th and Marine Drive, you held me in your gaze as you walked right to the cafe door. I remember being in the back kitchen silently freaking out in the mirror trying to figure out why or how you were real??? I pull myself together and walk out front.

There you are, sitting at number 7, in your red and white checked Italian tablecloth shirt, couldn't mistake those eyes. I'm trembling as I place a menu down and ask you what brought you to the cafe. You smile and say, "I came here to find you." My heart. In my mind, I'm jumping over the counter and making love to you without holding back; I can feel your eyes on me sensing the same scenario as I continue my work.

We go on like that, pulled in to each other...

On our third date, I tell you of my vision, you tell me of your Indian heritage and that your name is Hawk Facing North. I'm so wet right then, I can feel you so deeply inside of me and I in you and we never even did it.

You opened my heart and my eyes in so many incredible ways and then, you vanished without a trace and my heart still searches for you.

As the years have passed, the memory of your smell has faded. I can still feel your skin beneath my hand if I dare to go that deep. I feel your breath on my neck, guiding me on still.

You have visited me in that in between place, twice. Each time, encouraging me to continue to let go and open my heart and trust that my feet and soul will take me to where I need to be.

I used to pray that they would lead me back to you. I kept my porch light on for you every night for 7 years. I held vigil for you until the day I realized I was also holding my breath. Actually, you whispered that in my ear.

You holding me, right here at the beach, brought all that into focus for me. I don't know what I was hoping for.. I guess a guide and a lover. I'll take the guide. You have helped me to understand so much in this life. 

As you look into me, I feel my fortress wash away with the rolling tide. You tell me I needn't be an army of one any longer. That I must trust my breath and my voice and my heart and step on with as much openness I can sustain.

You, here, now makes me realize that as much as I have brought to my breath and my present moment, I have found that I have been suspended and separated by the fortress of my being. I thought I was free and flowing but the reality is that I was still bound. Well, that is what my mind

lead me to believe. I can see that I am not bound, that I am free to move as I must, it was just a trick of the eye.

You remind me of the importance of community and how there should be no restraint, no ignorance, no blind eye. We are all one, we are all here finding our breath and our heart beats and paths and if we would just look up and out, we would discover that we are not alone in any one thing that we do because we are all connected, drawn to the places that bring us more deeply home.

And as I sit at my spot on the rocks, taking in the lessons I have been given, I am reminded of the guidance you have given me in all these years I felt you had abandoned me, to you, my sweet David, I allow my heart to open more fully and allow all the sweet salt air to refresh my soul for the next part of this journey.

As the storm rages

The other morning, while I was walking to work in the wind and rain, I was overwhelmed by the electricity and rage in the air; violence washed over me and tried to grab hold and the Doctor Seuss tree out front of the Daily Astorian, waved its long arms and encouraged me to just let it roll off of me like the rain and not hold onto the rage.

I have spent many many years curbing my rage. It is an aspect of my being that I have never been comfortable with. This past year, has taught me to surrender to the rage, and what I found as I gave into it, was that it dissolved and washed away with the tides.

It's a mystery, there is an emptiness within me, where I kept it locked down for so long, and within that emptiness, I have found a calm and peace that is so satisfying.

I think what brought the shift along was my need to find patience and kindness for myself; something that has never been easy for me. As a perfectionist and former human who lived for guilt, self doubt and bottled up rage, it was always easiest for me to let my quick witted tongue and attitude slash through the air and strike at will. I hated it and loved it at the same time. 

In conversation, I would always have my mind racing for what to respond with never really hearing what was being said. 

There is an art to listening; a skill we should all focus on. It's has gotten to a point where it seems like no one can listen because we are all too busy tuning in and freaking out. I feel like we all need to take time out and breathe together and find the rhythm of our breaths and then, take another moment to allow that stillness to sink into our souls and the, take a moment to look each other in the eye and recognize that we are all the same. We are all just trying to make the best of it, it being our journey through life.

Some of us are worse off than others, but the reality is that we all crave the same thing; we have just forgotten what it is we are really searching for because life has turned into a race and we don't even know what the prize is, all we know is we have to keep going and moving past those in front of us and not even acknowledge one another when we have that moment of being side by side.

Fear pushes us along, and we never look back at it because we have been trained to not look at our fears, keep running from them.

This year, I stopped running and I turned around and looked at my fears and I actually let them touch me and hold me and I found that they were not as frightening as I had been lead to believe.

Since I stopped, I find I am not winded any longer, my shoulders have begun to relax because I'm not using them as a shield from keeping my fear and things I don't want to deal with a way. And, as they have released, I have noticed my heart expand and my capacity for patience, breath, love and laughter has grown.

We all have our points in time we get locked into; maybe a moment when we felt most alive, a moment of total disaster, rage, confusion, infancy. For myself, it spans from 18-21. The years I truly learned to guard myself and put on my armor and try to walk brave even though every step caused my soul to quiver within out of fear of being beaten down one more time.

But through that guarding of myself, I allowed myself to continually play the game of master and servant, me being the servant, only it wasn't nearly as sexy as the song made me feel(wink). Too many years of abusive relationships because it was what I knew.

About 3 years ago, I learned to not react in fights but to listen and respond in kindness. It was so strange the first time I did it; I remember it so well, it was a New Year's Eve event we were doing at the cafe and Uriah and I could really get into it, and I stopped myself from it. I just told him that I wouldn't raise my voice with him like that anymore. Something shifted in me, in our relationship, and the hold was gone.

I decided to try it more often, I tried to lower my guard and allow my fragile being some air.

It feels so good, being free from that conflict within. I love that I can see people now and not duck and run or puff and strut to avoid actual interaction. 

So, as the storm blows and the waters rise and the vibrations get electric, I let my shoulders drop and I walk with the elements and let it shake the shackles from my being and let myself go breathless knowing that I have the skills to fill myself back up and trust in the journey.

The art of the lip sync...embodying the role and the sacred art of not upstaging oneself

As you know, we are in rehearsals for our Daylight and Friends New Years Eve Celebration; and practice makes perfect. I am so blessed to have the family I have; the one I was born into for sure!!! And the one I gave birth to most definitely!! I really appreciate how hard they are willing to work! Just today, I started my day rehearsing with 3 different people. The first rehearsal was for the opening of act 2, don't want to give it away, so I will just say it is in Italian (wink).

So, for the last several weeks I have been letting the music seep into my being. I am faced with a few challenges: well, I'm not an opera singer for starters. The piece goes from deep fond longing love to the decision to commit suicide in order to provide the others a greater chance at happiness. There is a certain vulnerability that has to be reached and waded through to make it to that point. For myself, I have lost way too many friends to suicide and I have compassion for people who get to that edge of everything and it seems like the only option. I have stood on that edge with several people encouraging them through the pain to be able to stay with us in the living world. We can only encourage we can never enforce.

I have been taking all of those memories and breathing with those friends as I work on this role. The trick is to not allow it to take hold of me. Sometimes, it can get a bit too inner woven with the fibers of my own being and I have to remind myself of that. The heaviness is so intense. Especially coupled with the intensity of where I have been this past year, this is a highly therapeutic piece for me to be working on... Am I sharing too much? I don't think so. It's like a fart, better out than in.

The other aspect for this particular piece is to learn the meaning of each word I lip sync. What is it she is singing here? I can feel it in the music, but to express it well, it must be understood and embodied.  The song becomes my world. I see the smoke rising, I watch him climb the hill to me as I hide to tease and out of fear of dying at first sight of him. I breathe into the floor and out of the top of my head as I allow the memories of my friends past to surge through me giving me the understanding I need to lip sync my way through to the end.

It is also a challenge rehearsing out of costume. I find it a strong tool. I work to find the honesty of the tale from the inside out. So what if I have a beard right now, I did just shave it off...but still, I must allow the flight and passion of the voice I am embodying to lead me through the range of emotions just craving to be expressed. 

I battle with this a lot. Especially, during rehearsals, Marco will be out chilling with his friends and all of a sudden here she is!!!! Daylight just takes over. It is usually in the shift of a position or maybe a song or attitude that gets turned on.  Makes me giggle every time; this is all part of the show, the masterpiece of life. I work hard at keeping my two worlds separate. When I am Daylight, I do my best to be fully realized, Marco is in third person. And now that I have had such a run, Marco has the pleasure of speaking of me in third person when he is discussing our shows.

I mean, right now, he is leading the rehearsals, so it has been interesting watching the show develop from a bystander perspective. That all changes this week. It is all part of the gout game. Sometimes he is just too physically in pain to allow me stage time, so I sit it out while he wrestles through it all, trying to gain strength so that I, Daylight Cums, can always be fully charged when I take to the stage. He really is so thoughtful. Bless.

Anyway(sssss), what was I even talking about? Oh right. The art of the lip sync. So, the piece I am working on is stunning, just dripping in emotion and finality. The problem is, this particular singer, and I am really trying not to give too much away, really butchers the piece. Don't get me wrong, it is gorgeous, it lifts and carries the listener; that is what she is incredible at; her diction is just not all that. So, I'm learning how to say it all so that I may let it all go and fall into the spaces in between the notes so that I can live in the moment of the music.

This right here is what I love most about rehearsing. We only get to perform it once, but we dedicate hours upon hours in rehearsals to get it right. Learning from our mistakes, picking up our cues each time we run a piece. Learning every subtle nuance of whatever it may be that we are working on so that we can give you the best time you could have ever hoped for. 

That is what I love about my life. I love practicing so that I can get it right. I love the joy I get from every mistake I make in rehearsals; I always try to hold onto that so I can be a part of the final product. And by product I mean performance and by performance I mean life.

We are all in rehearsals together figuring out this silly game of life. We get multiple roles in our lives to help inform as we audition for the next role. Always searching out the challenging roles because they always bring the most growth.

Ah, the theatre. Have to love it!!!

It's that time of year....the art of letting go...or, if your panties are in a bunch, take them off

It's that time of year when I usually start with my writing up my things about my life and myself that I need to let go of or work on. For many many years, Sari and I would take the time out and write our 'intentions' down and we would go some place in nature, usually near running water and we would say them out loud as we burnt each one. We did this as a means of letting go of this or that. Over the years, we have shared this tradition with other close people in our lives. It really is such an incredible experience. 

I usually have the same 10 or 15 strips of paper and maybe another 10 of new things I want to rid myself of.. An always evolving list.  This year, I have just realize that I have let go of almost all of my issues that I burn every year. I'm serious. This year has pushed me to the edge of everything I have ever known and I had to keep letting go of my issues so that I could have the strength to hold myself together as I went through this transformation.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've still got my stuff to work on. However, I can't begin to express how freeing it is to recognize that I am done with this and that.

Most of what I have had to let go of have been my cravings; I have ALWAYS been insatiable, I just can't ever get enough. This rings true specifically to food, candy and alcohol. Three of my absolute favorite things!! My death row meal would be chicken strips with blue cheese dressing and honey mustard dressing, a double whiskey ginger or 3 a peanut butter hot fudge sundae with extra toppings and a pack of sour patch kids. Or, and peanut m and m's, starbursts, a bowl of tiramisu, a Caesar salad and a rare fillet mignon.Having been forced to remove them from my equation of life; has given me so much freedom. I didn't recognize that until this very moment when I was gathering my list of things to write.

My entire life has revolved around food and the service industry. Every aspect of it. So, I've felt a bit like a tourist discovering a whole new world (cue the Aladin soundtrack). It has been almost a year of discovering how to navigate through this new territory; and I'm starting to get the hang of it. I'm not as nervous as I was, the bucked teeth and feathered hair only pop into focus every now and again. I know you've seen it;)

I'm kind of excited, I've been so focused on the pain and frustration that I didn't recognize the sweet feel of the wind on me as I sat relaxed taking in the moment. There are two to add to my list: let go of the pain, especially the phantom pain. Allow the frustration to be there, get to know it so that it is no longer a frustration, but an understanding. I'm going to add shame to the list, it is one that has been on there from the beginning. The shame of being me. All those years of yells, attacks, church, fears and jeers need to roll of of me as water as I allow myself to be carried by the currents of my life. I'm going to find my bouyancy so that I can be one with the water and rise and fall with the tide, my boarders always changing as I roll on, just like the Columbia rolls on.

I am not trying to sound sappy, I am really just blown away by this sense of freedom I feel right now. I feel like I've won, even though I've lost so much.  And... Add the fact that we have been in rehearsals for our New Years eve celebration and creating and rehearsing and taking ideas from the head and placing them on my body and the bodies of my family of performers; first being awkward and unsure and them, bam, there it is girl!! Work! YAAS queens YAAS!!! I'm being challenged for this show too; I'm learning a few new numbers, and pushing myself to express in ways I don't normally do. Feels good!!

I'm I know it is still like a month away, but I am so excited for this NYE!!! Having us all together in the Columbian Theater, us performing for you, you cheering us on, giving us the life force we all require. That ebb and flow of emotions and bodies dancing through the space. Each time, my favorite moment is being surrounded by all of that love and positivity. We've got each other. That feeling of all our hearts pulsing in that room, fills me in ways I can't even begin to express. But it carries me on and on and on and when I feel down or beat up; I just place myself in that circle of light on the stage and I feel you all deep inside of me and all around me and I know I've got this. I hope that you feel the same. Because I send it out to you all on the daily. Really I do. Our community is one of my greatest purposes and pleasures in life! Couldn't ask for a better town to love on!!! 

As we move forward, as the days darken and the pressures surround us; let's us all remember how lucky we really are to have found our place and our heart beat and may we continue to look out for and love one another!! 

You have mine,

Daylight

Breaking the fear barrier....or how I choose the good over the bad..or#bitchgetoffmypole

This time of year always brings me deeper inside. I guess there is less daylight to have me wandering around with my head in the clouds and the flowers; and it it gives me the opportunity to look within and sort out this shit I call life (wink).

I suppose it all began the other evening while I was finally able to assume the position at the altar and take it all in. The candles were lit, the lava lamp flowing, incense in the air and my heart open to the moment and what each breath would reveal. I kept hearing a teachers voice,"Just stay. You want to move, just stay. You think you are done, just stay a bit longer, one more breath." I hear another," lift up through your (the sandscrit phrase goes here) abdomanals and feel your root chakra opening to the space you are sitting on, breathe with the earth." 

I have to call Nicholas. I want to move; just stay. A multitude of reasons to move get in my space and with every breath, I stay. I have had a hard time sitting in my silence, in my head and heart; there has been so much this year from every angle, tempo and dimension. The first thing that pops up is the negative. Why? Why do I always first see the negative? The inner dialogue began," you can't even do what you were going to do this year. Can't  even keep your promise to take the year off from doing stuff. Remember you were going to rest and heal. Yeah, but the moments were right and I had suspended moments in time where I was able to do, and I did and I loved it. Yeah, but you have been a total fucking hot mess all year. Come on, you have been living in sweats for almost a year. Sure, they are cute and fashionable. However, they are bloody sweats!!! Enough already." 

I stayed, I let that tape run without holding onto it or judging it; just letting it run itself out. Next, I saw fluttering of all the wonderful moments of this past year jump in and out of focus as I allowed my vision to melt into the golden glow of the lava lamp, it's slow motion ooze up and down and around, reminding me of my quest of the slug method. Taking it easy and just doing what I can do.

And I did just do that!! I took it easy and I got to be a part of countless incredible heart melting and magical moments. I had been afraid that I would miss out on life if I slowed down to take care of my life. What I have found is that I am living my life fully and completely. I exist within the highs and lows, I have become water and I shift with the tides as the moon and sun tilt us through this dance of life.

I flash to the day I drove myself to parking lot A, and I took 30 minutes to be able to climb up that dune and down to the beach so I could put my frail and inflamed body in the soothing crisp roll of the ocean. I stood there, wanting to be curled into a ball of misery on the sand, I stood on both legs and allowed my breath to flow through me and into the soft sand supporting me; the sun poked through and showered its warmth and beauty upon me, Marco being showered in Daylight. I heard the voices," how can you expect your body to support you when all you do is fill it with fear, hatred and frustration? " from that moment on, to the best of my abilities, I fill myself with only love and kindness. Don't get me wrong, I push and challenge myself, but I don't judge myself or play the negative tapes any more. Those have been discarded. Sure they want to pop up, just like at the beginning of this meditation, but I do not hold on to them or give them power over me in my life.

I do the same with actions, words or intentions towards me. That it your shit not mine. I'm not going to beat myself up because you don't like me, or think I'm too tacky, to loud, to honest or gay. No. Ann, those are your fears not mine.

I lived in fear of myself most of my life. Afraid to shine. As Zora Backdoora says in'Daylight Savings Time'," Daylight, I get it. You are Daylight and its your time to shine." Amen sister! I mean daughter.

Then the words of Nelson Mandela dance across my soul," why should we make ourselves small to make others feel more comfortable." Why indeed.

I like living at my full potency. Right now, my full potential is taking it slow, being more honest and open in my life and taking to the stage as often as I can. I breathe.

I stay.