The storm inside

I have found myself speachless the last week... I have words, thoughts and emotions but finding the breath and air to support them has rendered me speachless.

This time of year is like that.  The other day, I went for a hike in the forest and I was taken aback by how gorgeous and vibrant it all was, and at the same time I noticed how fall is upon us and things are dying back for the winter to come back larger and more glorious than the year before.

I find myself in a similar situation. I love my life so much! I love my work, the people I get to spend my time with; the art I get to express and the time I get alone to reflect and breathe.

Yet, at the same time, my entire world is shifting.... My housemate and soul sister/goddess of everything divine in the world is moving out to begin her new chapter I her glorious life.  My best friend, and I do have many ( wink with a full heart) is moving here from Eugene to start her life here and we have plans, she has plans, I have plans... We all have plans... And it gets a bit scary.  I can't help but find myself perfectly calm.  I know my footing and my balance and grace and I can count on those things to keep me stable as the foundation beneath me shifts to make room for the growth occurring .  It is nothing to fear, it is everything to embrace.  The thrill of the unknown is what makes the best stories.. It is what causes ones heart to beat true so that one knows where it is and what excitement sounds and feels like...

This time of year has always filled me with anxiety.  Fall is a time of nesting and preparing for the still of winter, and it is also the time of year we are forced to step with new shoes and outfits into our fall worlds of school, work or what have you.... At a time when all we really want is a break we have to tap into our inner charms and humility and embark on another journey that we may not be ready for but we brave it none the less because it is what we are taught to do...

This year is different for me..... I feel so alive and so positive and open and honest and centered and grounded and supported and loved and heard and for each of those things I feel I am prepared to give back doubly if not more.

I cherish my relationships and I want you all to know that I am here!!! I hear... I listen... I respond.. I feel.. I am.. I wait.. I see.. I breathe.. I sit in the comfort of being alive and accepting myself flaws and all.. I am ready to dance the dance of the heart and earth and sky and water with you! I am ready to walk in the wet forest with you and feel the moist firmness of the earth beneath our feet. I am ready to go to the ocean and shout our names and our truths and fears to the horizon and beyond. I am ready to sit I peace with you, to get freaky with you, to cry, laugh, scream, burp and just be with you..

I am always here as Marco or Daylight. I am here. Let's all stand tall this fall and push a bit beyond our comfort zones and see what we can learn and do together!!!

Sending you all a big warm hug and a smile

Daylight 

Tonight 

Tonight

I Cum Portland tonight

Just for you

love,

Daylight Cums

Hello Darlings,
I have been on holiday in Canada, resting in the sun, yes it is true, and taking some needed time to reflect and do some art.  It is time to start working on the next show and song lyrics just don't write themselves (wink wink).

Most of the time I reflected... On Friday, I am going to be having my debut in Portland! I will be participating in a wonderful theatrical experience called Testify.  So, I have been thinking about my testimonial, what do I want to share, how do I want to present myself....The thing is, I just want to have the courage to be brave enough to present myself.  I want to be.  These last few years have provided me with so much growth as a human and as a performance artist.  
The other afternoon, I was standing on a deck over the ocean, the sun so hot and my body drying after jumping into the salty cold water that made me feel so whole.  As I stood there I was breathing into my feet and out of the top of my head feeling as expansive as I could and I saw my life in the strangest of ways....
I have always been this little seed that had been scattered into an area of rough terrain, never feeling courageous enough to allow water and the light to find me and help me grow.  For many years, I was just kind of kicked around the rocks always finding a place to hide from the light and the call to grow.  Courage comes at its own pace and mine took years to appear.  Many people laugh when I tell them how shy and afraid I am.  It is the truth.  I have always been afraid.  Afraid of being myself.  You know this I have mentioned it before so we won't bother with the details.
What I do know is that I finally figured a few things out and I trusted enough to let the moisture and the light find me and something scary and amazing began to happen.  I felt my outer shell begin to let go and something from my core began to grow and shift, as delicate as I was I pushed up against the soil and also down into the earth.  I expanded my space and grew.  I was even more scared, I didn't have my protection anymore, nowhere to hide.  I was delicate and shy as I rose to the surface.  And then it hit me, the glorious feel of the sun on my new flesh.  I felt so alive!  What a gift I had given myself.  Truly.
Astoria has molded me in ways I never even realized.  Through the shoving and pushing (even the pushing of friends encouraging me to come out) I have been given the strength to take a chance and grow.
Sure, I get nervous walking out my door.  Sure, I think it is odd that people still yell faggot as I walk down the street (As if I didn't know.  Hello I'm wearing gold satin hot shorts and glitter in my chest hair).  But I never let it stop me.  Each day I have the opportunity to remember how awesome and incredible the sun felt on my face the first time I chanced to look up and out, and I put that quality to my step as I walk down the street.
And I remember this even more as I strap on those six inch heels and head out the door to shine as Daylight.  I am ready for you Portland!!!!  You were my host when I came out as a young boy finding his way through the dance beats at Brig and Boxxes in 1991 and now I am coming to you as Daylight and I am ready to continue our dance.  Let's have a blast.  Let's say hello to one another and celebrate that we have an opportunity to share and grow together!  As Virginia Slims say, "We've come a long way baby!"
I will see you on Friday at Testify and maybe out dancing!  Remember, I'm shy please say "Hi."
With baited breath and glossed lips,
Daylight Cums

Today, I was so lucky to be taken to the forest to look for wild mushrooms (the kind you cook...wink, wink).  This was the first time, after all of the years of getting to cook them, that I was actually taken to the source and able to see them popping out of the ground and peeking through underbrush and forest debris.  I was moved...I can not believe that it was my first time!  The craziest part, and I can't say where this all happened or I will be punished, was that the first place we went was in an area that I had helped plant in the 4th grade.  Our school, Star of the Sea, went out to the clear cut and re-planted the area and today I stood within it and ducked as I walked.  It was glorious.
Then, the mushrooms appeared.  Little golden nuggets of goodness.  We spent about an hour wandering up the hillside and I was continually brought to my knees to welcome another one to my bag.  The boys said we got quite a haul and as we were heading out we heard a distant cry for us to look over here; and boy howdy, it was a feast for the eyes!!!  I was a bit weak in the knees seeing so many glowing from the earth begging to be taken home for our meal.  I heard the call and liberated them from the soil and told them of all the wonderful things I was going to do to them when we got home.  First, I will lay them out and take photos of them.  Second, I will brush them clean.  Third, I will cook them with loving care with garlic, onion, serrano pepper, corn and basil and lay them on a bed of arugula topped with raw goats milk feta and avocado.  I will finish by closing my eyes and savor the sensation running across my tongue and through my body.  It will be a feast to remember.  Actually, if you are still reading....in the next few days I am filming the second cooking episode and I am going to cook them as I did this evening so that you can share in the experience as well!!!
Back to the forest, as we were leaving from the awesome spot, I heard another call and rounded an old stump and there, going down the hillside were lobster mushrooms!!!!! Oh my goodness!!!!  Their color against the dark richness of the earth was something to behold.  All in all we had a fabulous haul and the meal was so incredible, if I do say so myself.  I love sharing food with friends and this took it all to a new level.  Going out and collecting the food first!!  
Moments like these are important to share with our friends.  Being out in nature, be it a walk, a sit at the beach, maybe even a swing on a swing in the park; these are the moments we need to have so that we can move forward with honesty and grace in our days.  Hugging our friends, sitting and not talking, sharing space being there in laughter and tears; those are the ways we grow and deepen our abilities to understand more than who we are but how connected we are with one another.  Our friendships should be more than just the good times.  It is the more difficult times that we are given the chance to grow, to expand.  Those connections are what we need to survive.  Just like the way that the mushrooms grow together in community, without the right elements we are nothing.  There is no chance to grow.  And we should all be courageous enough to grow, even if it just means that we will be a nice meal for someone, or a punch line to someones joke or the comforting shoulder to a friend in need.   
I see you.
With love, 
Daylight

p.s. The first episode will be up soon!  And stay tuned to how you can be invited over to partake in the eating of the food that gets made for the show.  

I have had the most fabulous week!!  Last night, I met a group of my lady friends down at the VooDoo Room for drinks and laughs.  One of the ladies lives in the house my grandma lived in across the street from my childhood home on 3rd St.  
Well, we were all talking about food and dressing up and grand parents and growing up and I suddenly had the most incredible memory flood my senses....
I would spend weekend nights over at my grandma's house to keep her company.  We always had the best of times.  My room held some of her greatest treasures:  Her back brace, which I would put on to remind myself of the pain she must have gone through wearing that contraption after her surgery.  It was a crazy thing, bent aluminum and hard plastic guards across the front and back with straps to hold it in place.  It was like a mini walker converted to bring support to those recovering from back surgery.  I still liked to wear it.  Then there were her mink pill box caps with the brown netting that came down over the eyes to add mystery to any ensemble.  Her mink collar coats were hung in there with care and my favorite, her red high heeled shoes sitting there always begging me to try them on.... And I did often (wink).
Most weekends, I would dress up in one of her dresses and put on the heels, while they still fit, and I would go to her room and next to her plastic etched frame of the Virgin Mary were her little sample tubes of lipstick from Avon that we would always have around for her.  I think they were handy to have when she was in the nursing home.  She always liked to have her lipstick on.  It was a thing I loved to do for her when I would visit her at the home; I would powder her face and do her lips while we listened to Mario Lanzo.
Anyway, after I got dressed and put on my lips.....I can't believe I am telling this story... It is one I have not shared with people until last night and now I want to share it with you.
After I was dressed, we would sit and watch the Lawarence Welk Show and sing along and dance together in the front room.  It was just the best.  Grandma knew me the best.  She got me long before I ever got me and she always encouraged me to express myself when I was with her.  Such grand times we had.
The rest of the time we would spend in the kitchen cooking.  She loved to teach me the family secrets and would quiz me on my skills and my spelling words weekly.
The short time she lived in that little house are memories that I cherish so.  She was my best friend and the time that I got with her I will never forget.  I do feel that she helped to mold my creation of Daylight Cums too.  I have had so many influences...

The other great aspect of this weekend was that we filmed my first episode for "Cooking with Daylight" which will be monthly cooking lessons that I will post on the website.  It is exciting!!!!  Today, I had several friends that stopped by to enjoy the food that I prepared and we sat in the back garden feasting and laughing and sharing stories and it just filled my heart with such love.  It is why I love food so.  The sharing is more than just for consumption, it is about love, and lessons and listening and laughing and learning more about our friends.  
Then, I was lucky enough to get to go to another friends house, sit on the deck and watch the sunset, listening to lovely music being played, eat salad, grilled Ahi tuna and a chantrelle dumpling soup to die for AND visit with a friend I had not seen in many years and many other dear friends and laugh and look at the view and take it all in together!
This is what it is all about.  Taking the time to spend moments with people you love.  Even if it is just for a short while, it is time well spent and fuel to carry the soul further down the path.

I look forward to my encounters every day.  I look forward to running into you while I am out and about or in unexpected places.  I love it when you pop into my mind and I take a moment to give you a mental shout out.  I love it when I think of you when I see your favorite things, hear your favorite song, smell your scent.  I love that I have the love that I have from you everyday giving me the strength and courage to live as big and true as I dare. 

Love,
Daylight 

Yesterday, I was having a visit with my parents and some life long family friends at Street 14 and the conversation was on how awesome it was for me to have a float in the Regatta Parade with my drag family and friends!  As we were sitting around the table passing my phone around looking at the photos, I realized that something was absent in my life that I had never sensed before...
Shame.
I felt so warm and so full sitting there with people that have raised me and helped raise me and I wasn't nervous or embarrassed for who I am for the first time in my life!!!!
I had not realized until that moment how much shame has ruled over me.  The voices that echo in my head as I do things.  Shame on you Mark.  Mark Davis go to the hall right now!  Nuns slapping my hands with rulers, pulling me by my ears and always trying to silence the expression coming out of my mouth and body.  I have always been ashamed to be myself and I have fought those voices out of my head and gone on against the tide.
What has been so hard for me is that I have never wanted to disappoint my family, my mother especially.  I have always worked on being a good son, brother and friend.  I was raised with so much faith and love and fear sometimes it made it hard to know how or where my heart was beating.
I remember being 11 and being over at birthday party with all of the families we rolled with in those days, and everyone was playing ball in the field and I went to play and the kids didn't want me to play with them.  I was heavier and sports were never my forte, so I was the one that was always last picked and played outfield and so on.  Anyway, the moms came out and told the kids that they had to play with me or they would be punished.  So they let me play.  All I felt was shame, shame for making them play with me.  From that day on, I felt alone.  I knew that they were only nice to me because they didn't want to get in trouble.  I believe that became the chip I carried on my shoulders for many years, well into my 30's for sure.  Add that to the shame of being a scared little gay boy that didn't even know what it meant other than burning in hell and wow it is a fun party.
I remember that same year, sitting with my grandmother in the living room as she watched her Billy Graham Sunday program.  I was actually in her wheel chair, she was in the rocker holding my cat, Patches, and Billy was asking us to pray with him to beg to be healed from our suffering and I instinctively placed my hands on my crotch and prayed so hard that I would be free of this shame so that I would be more lovable and clean.  Thank goodness that prayer was never answered because I love how I have evolved and who I am!  At 44 I feel good to say this.
Daylight Cums has taught me to embody my essence and to not be afraid to be myself.   She taught me to be able to look in the mirror and not see the chub rub, buck toothed, feather haired closeted gay boy rape survivor that wore a coat of many colors that was all woven with shame and fear.  She gave me new eyes to see how lucky I am to have been through what I have been through and be able to stand with the grace and strength that I have earned and discovered about myself.  She has brought me home to who Mark was all those years ago.  The Mark I shoved down out of shame.  The Mark I pulled out of the muck of my youth and renamed as Marco when I first began to stand tall within myself in 1994, but still lacked the self respect and love I needed to feel alive.
In essence, that really is what my Dragalution is all about.  It is a revolution against our fears and obstacles that are placed upon us by society and our own doing in order to blend and not make a ripple.  Those ripples are what make life textured and rich and varied.  I am so grateful that I have been able to see this truth about myself and to be able to finally walk away from my shame and be. " I am.  I am who I am and no one, nobody can tell me I'm not.  I am who I am and you can't squelch the flight in me."

My best friend says, "I think the day Daylight Cums was born was on October 31, 1989."  She was in beauty school, dressed as a zombie hairdresser, and I was dressed as Prince and was so pissed because everyone thought I was 
Whitney Houston!  I still wasn't out and I could handle being ambiguously sexy Prince but I wasn't strong enough to own the power of Whitney!!

My grandmother always told people that I was a born entertainer.  She said, "When he was three years old he got up in front of the swing band playing in the auditorium and faced everyone and started dancing for us all."  I remember that moment in my life; the thrill of the big band behind me driving my soul and my body across the floor as my feet lead the way.  I search for that sensation every day.

 The first time I ever attempted drag was my first year living in New York City, 56 and 9th Ave.  I still couldn't completely commit to drag so I called myself 'an androgynous kitchen queen.  I had a black sequined tube dress, my platform shoes, shaved body, and a head dress made from steel wool, chop sticks and Mardi Gras  beads.  I only wore it at home, I was too nervous to take my art out the door.

The year I moved back from NYC, 1996, I dressed as Dolly Parton.  I wore the same dress from my first Halloween (this time I stuffed my front with loaves of round bread from Danish Maid bakery and put a mushroom tip on top as a nipple and wrapped the whole thing in saran wrap- the bread was so soft to squish them in the wrap was so comforting), wore a huge blond wig and heels, long red nails and a swish.  Coming home to Astoria from my two years in NYC I was a big-ol-queen!  I know I always have been, but I was swish-a-rific!  That was my first coming out as an adult in my home town.  I still can feel the fear and excitement shaking through my body as I walked down to the party at the American Legion.  It was a magical night.

In 1997, I was doing a lot of choreography, teaching tap and trying to find myself through the happy hour drinks and cigarettes I would consume to try to silence the scream within my being to explode on to the scene and shine.  Each time I would muster up enough courage to speak my heart talk or allow my armor to soften and show my being, something would hold me back.  It was mostly myself.  I didn't want to offend anyone, or make people uncomfortable.  I already did that in my day to day life, my art would really make it difficult for me.
That year, I had my tap studio in the basement of the Elks and part of my rent was to help them do performances.  They asked me to put a drag show together for them, the officers would be the queens and I would direct/choreograph the show.  It was awesome!  Rehearsals were so fun and watching the nerves dissolve as the weeks went by was a beautiful thing to behold.  The best part was that the show was on the same evening as my 10 year class reunion.  How perfect was that!!!  I asked the sexiest man I knew to be my date to the prom and the show and he played it up the whole evening, so much I longed for it to be true (wink). 
At the show, the person that was to do the Madonna number chickened out, so I had to go on and that marked the first drag performance I did in Astoria.

2001 I returned to school.  I moved to Eugene and got my Master of Fine Arts in Dance from the University of Oregon.  I went to school on a quest for credibility for my ar; a craving to have an education, to be able to teach, to share and to help others find their art.  The six years I spent there have formed me and given me a strong foundation to stand up and express through my art without question or restraint.

For me, Daylight Cums has always been shining in my soul, encouraging me to find my way, to find my strength to stand tall as a queen and ascend to the throne she was born for.  On my 40th birthday, I held a Karaoke/Lip sync competition; asking my friends to come and perform with me and have a party.  Daylight first showed her shy face that night lip syncing to Barbara Streisand's "somewhere" dressed in a Kimono and big Geisha wig.  That night was a strong Barbara night.  I also did my acapella remix of a few of her songs starting with "Papa, can you here me...." That fluttering pushed me.  

The next year, I did another show.  I had auditions and my family came into existence.  We rehearsed twice a week and put a show together.  Then, we did another show... Each one, I stepped closer to Daylight Cums.  And Halloween 2012, Daylight had her debut in New Orleans, parading through the streets of the city fluttering for all to see and bringing the dance, the party and the hugs to any that would ask.

Dragalution began January 2013!!!! I formed my family of queens, male and female/ gay and straight.  We are on this journey together.  I feel like  I have arrived!!!  My quest is clear. 

The most amazing moment of my life was the Regatta Parade last weekend!  i was so nervous going into it.  What was I thinking putting a drag float in the parade!  I flashed back and forth between the yells of hatred I get and the yells of love I get.  Love always wins out.  I refuse to ever let my fear show.  I knew I had to shine and walk with grace and beauty.  I had to be in the moment to allow Daylight her moment and let her walk through the parade with the banner bearers carrying our banner of President's Trophy!!!!!  And the love that was given as we danced and fluttered through the street of Astoria, the streets I had known so much fear on, in 6 inch heels, gold sequins and pink opalescent Isis wings.  The most glorious day I have ever know.
The unfolding has begun.  Let us dance and live and grow together!!
I am going to keep sharing and listening and moving forward, down the path. Let's shine......Let's find our IndepenDANCE.

I just have to say that being a part of the Astoria Regatta with a float presenting Dragalution to the community was a soul warming and intense experience...My eyes are still wet and my feet are blistered and I love it!!
Thank you Astoria for your love and support and spirit!  
And to win the President's Trophy for the float!  Amazing!
Thank you thank you thank you

Celebrating my indepenDANCE to be me. Free to celebrate the independence of me.

    This all stems from the amazing strength I saw in drag queens when I was first discovering the hidden heart beat within my soul that was helping me to see the truth of my path as a gay male.  The strength, beauty, courage and general badassness that the drag queens demonstrated have always resounded in my soul.  If we all were to look within ourselves and discover our hidden queen (which is really our hidden self expressive art made larger than life for others to see and be amazed by) and bring it out to oneself and one's friends I believe that our world would be a much happier, colorful and loving place.
   Being daring  enough to step beyond my sphere of comfort and feeling the sensation of being pushed beyond my discomfort with situations and just breathing in the present moment of life.  Not worrying about what is thought about me, but rather what I feel about my life and how can I best represent that in my life within the social world I live in.  To find the beauty in trust within myself and my relationships.  To realize that life and friends are there for it all, not just the good stuff.  To remember that I am worth fighting for.  That I am worth the life I want to live and the art I am.  To recognize when I am filling myself with fear, hatred and self-doubt and turn it into love, light and something positive.  Cellular life is responsive, fill the bod with goodness not hatred.  Honor the truth of my mistakes and learn from the truth of the actions I put upon others in my daily life and interactions.

So without further ado it's time to start the Dragalution!