I think it is so funny that the same day I get my computer, I get a coat from my mom too. It is funny to me because the coat is the same color and makes the same sounds as the coat I would wear in typing class in high school. It was my security blanket, in many ways. My mom, also, gave me a gorgeous black and silver fancy scarf. She said, "And this is for Daylight, I think she could use it for something." Melt my heart.
It has been like that a lot lately. Not just from my mom, but from many people in our lovely little town of Astoria. People giving me a hug and telling me that they see me and what I do and they appreciate me for it. People sending me emails saying the same. I can not even begin to express how these moments are the fuel I need to continue on with my journey. I always say we all do it together, we are an incredible team!!! There are those of us that are willing to be the face of things and others that make up the limbs, the torso, the skin; and all of us make the heart beat. We bring breath into the world together.
The beautiful thing for me, is to watch how our roles shift and grow and the more time that passes, these parts that we make up to create a whole; begin to transform and be able to be supported on its own and so on and so on.... just like that old Prell Shampoo commercial.
This weekend was the Festival of Dark Arts at the Fort George. The past few years, we have been there as Daylight and the Dark Forest Minstrels. The parading we did around the buildings amongst the people everyone taking in the fun and celebration of the moment. This year, we were not all able to be there and our troupe took on a different form.
In my process, I was going to say as an artist, but really as a human, I find that it is so satisfying to not hold onto things. I always change up my shows, try to mix up how I teach, what I teach, how I walk places, how I interact with others; so finding out we were a band without a band was like finding out that we are at 5 minutes to curtain and we still haven't run the whole show.... You just have to run with it.
And we did!!! It was raining hard too and I wasn't about to get my fur wet so we stayed on the stage and did our own blessing and sharing of the space. It is always a challenge to allow myself to go to the places I need to go, in public, with strangers watching. Our shows are always different because they are filled with people we know and love and the support is boundless and electric and soul saving. The Lovell room, not so much; and yet, it was everything.
At one point, I was with Cameron and we were hawks circling the space and sending out our call to the Universe, to the Great Spirit, to God, to the Goddess, to All beings that we were here and blessing this ground and asking for guidance and wisdom as we danced through our experience. Derek's drumming leading the pulse of our hearts and beings. Andrea carving through and showering the space with her golden light. Jessamyn and I finding one another mid air and joining our bodies for a succulent descent to earth as the dance continued on. Golden light filling the space at the dawn of the Dark Arts. Poetry in motion. My life in real time. Our heart beats as one and all.
Holding space all day. Being mesmerized by Cameron as she did her dance for us; me kneeling and taking in the breathtaking clarity of her movement, seeing the electricity of her being shining out and blessing us all. Jessamyn leading us through the passions and mysteries and subtleties of the body. Each movement bringing us all closer to understanding how glorious life can be. Beholding the sweet fragrance of life manifest in her powerful presence. All of us held in that moment, her sword cutting through to the truth of existence, that we are all here together and that our passion given life through kindness and love is all we need to break down the walls.
I needed that moment; to feel that wholeness. The day had been so incredible up to this point. So much wonder and question. A drag queen at a beer festival, should only make you wonder. Right (wink). The first time in the bathroom was the best, pissing at the urinal is always a moment of pause for a fellow pisser; as I was leaving the bathroom a guy passed me and double took me and checked the sign on the door just to make sure. I told him he was in the right place. Directly after that, a mom, with a baby on her back, asked if her daughter could ask me a question. Totally!! I love questions. "Are you a boy or a girl?" I smiled and knelt down and said,"I am a man and I am a drag performer and when I do that I dress as Daylight; and she is a woman."
She holds me in her eyes and says," You look like a princess." Made me so happy. Her mom and I had a moment and off I was swept in the sea of beer and beards.
Back at the altar, Ali Alt started his set and he kept me on the dance floor grooving to the beats and letting myself be seen and just dancing it out. Dancing beyond my fears and the looks and sneers of beer drinkers from out of town. Dancing my soul with the ones that felt the moment and found their way to the space I was in and we shared the sounds and the time and knew we were in it to win it. Ericka, a gal I met that day, letting it all out with me. The room a glow in gold and lavender, people join in, people wanting photos, hugs, a dance a spanking and a blessing.
One woman came to me and said I was her hero for life. She came back with her husband and their friends and we all danced and hugged and celebrated unity and beauty and beer. As the joy festival continued, the darkness began to be more visible in the corners and slashing through the space of the room. The looks got longer and less kind. The circling began. Brought me back to too many memories. Too much violence and fear. I have learned that just because I go forward with an open and loving heart and trust in human kindness, doesn't mean others do, and I can feel out a room and I have learned when it is time to duck out.
I did it graciously and without anyone knowing I had left the building. I was feeling crushed down and couldn't let that feeling destroy me so I went to the Astoria Coop and bought a water and finally got to meet Lulu!!!!!! She lifted me up from the ground and I dusted myself off and headed out into the rain, wet pelt and all. I knew my brother was going to be at Supper Club, so I stopped by to say hi and have a moment with T!! She lifted me up even further.
Back on the street, the wind blowing so dramatically, blowing my kimono in ways I have always dreamed of; I felt so glorious and mysterious wandering downtown, alone, heart open and one foot in front of the other. Becky and her squeeze, even though I got her face wet from my pelt, got my heart shining again and I heard the gypsy's call and my feet found their way to the warmth of her space and the embrace of Vicki and David. We did a little photo shoot to commemorate my first time in the shop. I always love a good photo shoot!!!
Charlotte and the gang were my last stop on my journey home as I let the wind lead me home. Head held high, heart open, one foot in front of the other as I pass the library and walk up exchange the fading light wanting to bring a pause to my step as I say no; just one more step beyond my comfort zone as I get one step closer to home. I don't know what really happened to me; but I do know that I have grown from the experience. I recognize that just because I feel safe, the guard is always on duty to step in when a situation needs to be remedied.
I know that I am everything with your love. I know I am stronger from knowing you. I know that bravery is within all of us in our own ways as we deal with what this life hands out to us. Are we going to walk on with open hearts and kindness or bitterness and fear? Are we going to hug it out or fight it out? I know I am going to keep on dancing it out and taking every moment I can with you.
Endlessly yours,
Daylight
