Some say 'Battle' I say 'life'

Hey there!!! I am getting excited about this season!!! So many wonderful things are on the horizon. I can not even begin to tell you how incredible it has been to be back in rehearsal with my Cums family!!!

This has been the true test for me, taking it easy and not pushing like I like to do (wink). I have been cautious and almost timid in my approach to my pelvic thrusts and step ball changes. I am speaking choreography people, not bedroom; although that does cum up later;)

Anyway(sss), last weekend was the Shorty Shorts Queer Film Festival that we hosted at the Columbian Theater. I was really excited because Shitney Houston was in town and I've been wishing that for a long time. I wanted to be my most fabulous!! I was brave and wore an outfit I've never worn; Becky actually cut like 8 inches off maybe 10 minutes before Tim and I walked out the door. It was just too long, you know me... Barely covering the ass is how I like it! I also wore my new wig (compliments of Nicholas) and I wanted to wear me heels... They had been calling to me for weeks and they were being given a chance to come out for the night. I was really only going to be sitting in them and standing for photos;)

Well! Let me tell you!! Putting those babies on was like triggering a memory switch and all of my rotators and adductors remembered what it felt like to work and work it we did! I seriously hadn't felt this physically on my feet for months!

Made it through the night, got all cleaned up and I was sliding into bed and I knelt in to give Tim a kiss and my knee popped in the way I have been craving for since Christmas!! I woke on Sunday feeling the best I have in 2 years!!

I'm keeping myself in check. I'm pausing, not pushing. Ready to run, but stopping to smell the roses instead. 

This morning, I went to town with Becky and I put up posters around town for Daylight's Dance Explosion, and had the most wonderful conversations with the people I get to share my life with!! The support in this community is incredible.

One of my conversations was about the battle we must endure in life. I have to always remind myself that we all have our things, the challenges that have made us the people we are. What I appreciate are the ones that are willing to share their stories to help others along our way. Finding understanding through hearing other people's stories is a connection I always value. One of the biggest, I'll call it a mantra because I do use it to ground myself, lessons I've learned is: we can encourage but never enforce. I remind myself this daily. I can only encourage, never enforce. I learned that one in therapy years ago. 

Talk therapy is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. It should be a part of our self care pampering. For example, this year I released a wall I had had up for 30 years and I thought I had dropped that shit years ago. Nope, it was there, shielding my heart and keeping me distant. What the hell?! I was walking in battle and didn't even realize I was moving in attack mode. It's like that moment in the day when the shoulders release and you weren't even aware that they were being held.

Some days my nerves get the better of me...I have to check myself, emotionally/soulfully, before I head out into the world. Do I have the means to be myself today? Can I do this? Sometimes, I have to change my outfit, or forget the hat. Do I really 'need' the gold glitter eyeliner? (I do, of course, but I'd rather not have the gawkments).

I most always win, but I have developed a knack for feeling the vibe before I head out. It's just like how friends know when they need to walk with me home. You can just feel it in the air. I can't tell you how many times Sari has jumped over a booth to protect me!!! It is why I don't go into certain places in town. I kind of believe that once I get my life threatened in a place, I don't really need to go back.  Astoria has changed so much in my life time here, it is so much easier to be openly gay than it was before I came out and was coming out in the late 80's/early 90's. But there are still days where the vibe I pick up on is one of homophobia. I still get called fag quite a bit by passing rigs, and I can tell when someone doesn't want to help me when I walk into some shops. 

We all have our ways we find security in being in public. Handheld devices have made it so easy to be out and not have to even need to acknowledge anyone or anything.  For myself, I've got my strut playlist which I play to keep my feet moving when they want to stop. I take the headphones out downtown, unless I'm in a hurry, because I really enjoy smiling and saying hi to my friends and visitors when I pass them on the street. It is one of the things I really love about Astoria, it's ok to smile at people on the street. 

I've noticed that since I've let go of that wall I was holding up and didn't even know it, that I am able to see more into how I step in the world. I really do enjoy a good flutter, I like to dart and glide, soar, skip and dance on the wind. I like to feel my connection to the earth and when I exhale I do picture light bursting throughout every pore of my being expanding my capacity to be.

This IS going to be a great summer!!! I can just feel it so deep within me!!! And....August 7...DRAGALUTION WILL RETURN TO OUR HOME STAGE AT THE COLUMBIAN for a fabulous Regatta weekend show!!! I know!!! I can not wait! And we will be in the parade again and I hope you will consider walking, riding, dancing and joining us:) it really is the best time!

I guess what I'm really getting at is it is really incredible to live in a town where people look out for one another so that we can work at being ourselves. I want you to know I always have your back. I will always step up for you and if you need someone to chime in for you.. I can get LOUD, REAL LOUD.  Now is the time we need to use our voices and continue to grow and bring the change that we keep help fostering to grow! We are all worth it! 

That's entertainment

I have always loved to entertain!! In our neighborhood, up on 3rd, all of us kids were always up to fun times. One of my first entertaining attempts happened in our backyard, on the basketball court my dad had poured for Steven and Lisa to practice their hoops. For me, it was my stage!! And, tanning spot because it got so damn hot, and I practiced my skate moves.

Which leads me to my first 'show', a roller skating presentation of some ABBA songs. We had practiced our moves and invited the neighborhood to come and join in the show.  What I recall is people gathered on the sunny hill, I'm

sure I served lemonade and sun tea, have always been able to count on me to be a proper hostess. Seriously, at 11 years old, I had my own tea service cart in my room with old crystal decanters that I would fill with soda, tang and ice and serve my friends when they came over to listen to the ABBA 8 track and we would have a proper happy hour.

Anyway(ssss), back to the roller skating show.. We were awesome! What I loved most was looking out and seeing the joy and brightness on the faces gathered there. Those expressions and the way it made me feel inside was the beginning of my quest to entertain and spread joy. 

That summer, I enrolled in a clown class up at Clatsop Community College. I was hoping for more material, inspiration. What I learned was to take what I had inside of me, make it bigger than myself and to express it without apology.

It felt incredible! I was the only kid in the class, typical for me. Being the shy boy I was, it was a incredible challenge for me it it gave me the skills to carry on.

How was I to know those skills would help me throughout my journey.

Especially in high school. I may have been pushed, shoved, spit on, beat up and verbally attacked; but they only got bright smiles from me and I always landed on my feet with pizzazz.

Since I was Catholic, in high school I had to go to these classes, CCD, to continue my path to confirmation. I used it also as a tool to hold dances in the auditorium at Star of the Sea. Creating the perfect playlist became a passion of mine. I remember sitting for hours with my tape recorder ready to capture a dance remix from the radio. Listening for those songs that grab my soul and lift me up.

Creating the mix for dances with the right amount of slow songs, placed just so was such a fun challenge. My neighbor, Heidi, and I loved to craft these things.

In those days, I'd grab the speakers and equipment from all the great rummage sale merchandise dad would have storing up for the big June sale in the gym.

We would make decorations and snacks and punch and hope for a big turnout. I knew the reality, we were the Catholic kids having a dance at the grade school, it would most likely be us and a few others. I never cared, as long as the music was good and I could dance without being bullied I was golden!!

As I grew up, the parties evolved. I would throw themed dinner parties, cocktail parties, Halloween parties and impromptu dance parties wherever I could!!!

There is no greater medicine than dancing it out!! Sometimes we feel it and other times the feeling is trapped beneath the issues in our lives and the dance wants out, but we have forgotten how to release our joy.

I moved back to Astoria for two reasons: first, because I feel most alive in this incredible place and second, to share the joy and bliss of dance and unlocking our souls that have been conditioned to be in lockdown so as not to be judged.

DRAGALUTION is my medicine. These parties are what I love to share, because the bubbling up that happens when we all gather and allow ourselves to be larger than we are and dress up our inner whatever we wish to express and we come together to dance, and laugh and shine and grow. This is the magic of our lives. This is the magic of Astoria!! 

We have the opportunity each and everyday to step out and shine for ourselves and one another. Some days are tougher than others; let's face it, even the sun sets and gets tucked behind clouds and fog; but it shines within.

In all honesty, our last party in January, I was trapped behind a thick fog bank, but the show still went on. That's entertainment!! It was a true test for me, having to perform injured and depressed, but it taught me to find a new way to access my bliss, my dance and my benediction. And I was able to shine in a different way for you. What got me through was seeing your bright and glorious faces surrounding me and filling me with joy and laughter!!!

That said, we have DAYLIGHT'S DANCE EXPLOSION WITH DJ GRAY MATTER on May 2 at the AAMC!!!!!!!

This is going to be an incredible party!!! We have new numbers to dance for you!! Music to move our bodies and souls with!!! Great drinks! And, most importantly, an opportunity for us all to let our freak flags fly and dance it out bitches!!!!!!

And.... I am extra excited because my brother, Ken, who has yet to experience one of our parties is coming!!!!! 

I can't wait to shine with tall!!! You are the reason these parties happen!

As always, if you see me on the street, say hi!!! 

All my love,

Daylight

The Spring Within

I have been having the best time working in the backyard! It feels so good to work with the soil, see what is coming up, what hasn't survived, and what is to come. I have my garden protocol: 1. I stop and just take it all in, just open my gaze and try to absorb it all. 2. I start pulling up the horse tails from the lava rock, hawk altar, Lovey drinking bath (a site to behold!! I'm giggling just typing this. She has to almost stand on her front tippy toes and stretch her neck to get the right angle to tap that tongue in that nice rain water..adorns). 

I'm one that actually loves the look of horse tails. I find the way they dance with the wind so beautiful and soothing. So, I just pull the bulk of them out and leave sweet little stands of them throughout the waterfall of ivy that slowly falls towards the house. Natural selection by my hand. Sometimes, it makes me feel weird, like I'm doing a really bad thing saying that this one can stay but that one has to go. 

And, why am I trained to see that weed or the other two or three native weed/plants as something I should not allow to be growing in my yard, where it is clearly doing so well?

3.After I finish with the horse tails, I wander across the stage to the arugula garden and marvel at the clump of forget me nots taking over. I give them leave until the bloom, then I'll thin them out.  The azalea grabs my attention with its browning and sticky blossoms begging me to free them from their slow embarrassing drop to the ground. As quickly as I can I am 'dead heading' them as my old boss Mister Speake used to tell me. I hear him a lot when I'm in the garden. It brings me comfort.

4.I'm finally growing some sweet peas this year!! They are my favorite...sigh. Time to plant. I have some starts and some seeds. Working my hands in the soil is my meditation. Feeling the richness, and in other spots the clay and rocks. All of it there and fostering growth of all things. Mother Earth does not discriminate about who can grow where. If you can make it up and out, do it!!

5. I recognize myself as the seed I've placed in the soil, it is up to the seed to make the push to the surface. Sometimes we feel like it is too much. It is hard work growing and pushing past the earth above us. Maybe we get stuck, or we have to grow up and around another root and we break the surface but don't look as good as we should. Will we make the 'you can stay' list? 

We are all worthy of growth. We are worth taking that chance and pushing up and out and fluttering and

growing in the light of the sun and the kiss of the breeze...dear God, I just heard Karen Carprnter singing in the back of my mind. I love being me!! And by me I mean gay, because honey, I just have the best time (wink). Even when I am scared to walk out, I walk out tall and proud and when I feel the pressure of the words that get uttered, I just breathe into my feet and reach for the earth as I remember that I am still growing and I can push up and out and over this too. Ain't life grand!

As always, if we pass on the street, or anywhere, know that I see you and I love you and the beauty you bring to this glorious town we live in.

The Path of the Fool, or The Art of Letting Go and Trusting

In Tarot, I always appreciate when the fool card appears. It reminds me to always trust, to never give up and to continue down the path no matter how unfamiliar, dangerous and scary it may be.

These past few months have pushed me along the edge of my path in ways I never imagined I could survive.  I have been balancing on the edge not knowing how to move forward. At that moment, I had to face myself and recognize that I must continue in ways unfamiliar to me. I had to let go of everything that I've held onto and trust that I would not fall. My masks were removed, my clothing left on the rubble behind me. Naked, I scaled along the edge of my existence holding on for relief and the hope that I would be on solid ground again.

What I discovered was that I felt totally equipped to go on. I was not sure as to who I was in the moment, because nothing about me felt familiar; yet, I knew I was more myself than ever before.

And then I looked up, a man was standing before me, his arm extended to take my hand. Working at not covering myself, I accept and allow him to guide me across this nasty ridge.

He was comfortable from the moment our hands touched. I didn't know what was more frightening, hanging on for dear life or finding comfort in his gaze.

For those of you that know me, I'm called 'the monk' for a reason... I fly solo. Meeting this man has changed my perspective. I want to understand this me I'm becoming. This new fool, willing to trust and fall into another's arms. 

It brings me back to 2002, Winter term at the University of Oregon, needing to take a dance improvisation class; I decided on contact improvisation. The name alone scared me....contact. What?? What I discovered was that my body and soul had been starved of contact for years. To give into the trust and allow another person, often a stranger, to roll and support, lift and carry me through space and time was a sensation I didn't even realize I was missing in my life. 

The extra bounce in my step and sparkle on the air around me is due to finding that quality with the new man in my life, Tim. He has brought me to my breath, my heart beat and my desire to understand and discover more. His presence in my life has brought me to the edge and I see sky expanding beyond my understanding and I know I am to trust, to let go and to soar with him. Along the current of the wind we are carried and the air is sweet and warm and he is flying by my side taking it all in with me as we expand into the unknown; knowing that this is exactly where we need to be.

My past is no more. My skin has been shed and I am alive in this new body. I know not where we may touch down, I'm comfortable in the flight and also know that I am more grounded than I can ever recall. As the Warrior Queen, I am blessed to have found a warrior to carve out this path with. As frightening as it is to open up and share my vulnerability, I am grateful to be given the opportunity to be able to do so in this life time and especially with a man that sees me in the fullness of my being, flaws and all; and he is willing to share his vulnerability with means I find that priceless beyond measure.

To the journey my loves! May we all continue to grow and shine in the beauty and knowledge of who we are and how lucky we all are to have one another.

All my love,

Daylight