Learning through meaningful experiences #gettingoutofmyownway

For some odd reason, this evening, the eve of my 47th birthday, I am guided to my palo santo wood and a nice end of the year smudge. This is idea occurs as I am washing my teeth. 

Returning to my room, I grabbed my stick and struck a match, placed it to the candle on my special space in my room and as I stood there holding the palo santo to the flame; I watched the aspects of my life warm to the light.

I saw the people that are my protectors and guides smiling at me and encouraging me on. 

I go into my smudge dance and invite the tensions, lessons, joys, pains and fears to leave me, making room for more life. As I near the end of my dance, I am drawn to my baby book. Mom and dad gave it back to me when they sold the house some years back. I place it on my bed and start looking through the pages of announcements, news of the times and cards going up to my 9th birthday.

There is an old Columbia Press from 1976, 40 years ago with a nice photo of me and some others from Star of the Sea

"Learning through meaningful experiences"It really is the title to my life book. I know I've always said its going to be 'I Should Have Known' but this just rings so true!

The caption below my photo reads:"The purpose of Star of the Sea School is to educate the whole person with value awareness." 

Value awareness, I love it!! 40 years ago, little me a poster child for value awareness. And I'm still fighting on.

It wasn't until this very moment, in fact, it is what is driving me to write these words to you on the eve of my birthday, because I don't know if I will see it as clearly as I do at this very moment.

Sitting here, I flashed to the moment at the end of singing 'My Way' and mom jumping out of her seat, unable to contain her joy for me, her gay son in his gold glittered feather collar and tap shoes. Her little gay son who is always pushing on and pushing out. The gay son that would always tone it down when mom is around, try to cover up, the whole loop of shame rants that would scream through my mind all dropped away in that moment.

It's taken almost a month to process that moment and the shift I feel has happened within me. I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed for them for having me. 

I know that is a strange statement but I've always felt like a bit of a disappointment, like I was bummed for so long because I couldn't be the man that they had dreamt I'd be.

These are my issues, these have been my projections on them because they love me so openly and fully that it is a mystery on why it has taken me so long to step out of my own way.

This is game changing intel!! This is mind and soul blowing great news. This is my ticker tape parade and I'll march  my band out, I'll beat my drum...

The Awakening

As we step through the forest, I feel the moist moss and decaying debris beneath my feet, I feel the crisp breeze blow through my hair and between my legs, providing me with a deeper thrill for adventure. Your hand, however, is the one thing I am most aware of. It is so strong and rough, signs of a lifetime of hard work, at the same time, your touch is so gentle and assuring; as if I'm being lead by the most spry spirit of the forest.

Your smell is like leather mixed with vanilla and tobacco and a lingering of camp fire. Your stride strong and wide, I almost struggle to keep up, but the sight of your thighs and ass in your brown leather pants keeps me on your tail. I just can't help myself. 

As we make our way to the rise, you turn to me, your blue eyes quenching my thirst, your smile leading me on. You speak," We will rest at the crest of this hill, Queen Daylight. I will answer your questions then."

Queen Daylight?? As we make it to the rise, a sparkle catches my eye, I follow and see an incredible sight!! A table set beneath a pavilion of linen and gold, lavender and rosemary fill the air. As we reach the table, he pulls out my chair and bows with such a flourish, I do feel like a queen. Hawk takes the seat to my right and pours me a glass of water and presents me with a meal of fruits and cheese. As Hawk bites into a strawberry, I ask,"Where are we going? Why did you call me queen?"

Wiping the juice from his cleft chin, he holds me in his eyes and replies,"We are heading just beyond this valley over the coast range to have an audience with The Oracle. He had heard of your Awakening and had me leave his side to wait for your emergence and bring you to him. It was foretold that upon your Awakening you would be given your quest and once completed, ascend to your throne as Queen Daylight, the Warrior Queen of Love."

"You are joking right?! How am I fit for a quest? I have no training in protecting myself or finding whatever it is I am to find... Who am I to question anything? I did just sprout right up out of the earth after my visit with the man at the waters edge. Oh my god, it is all coming back to me. Yielding to the water and the song it gave my soul; being pushed to the edge of everything I have known and surrendering to the pressure, allowing myself to be transported and transformed as the ancestors, holding me through their rock forms as I was carried down stream and away. Parts of me carried to the sea, parts absorbed into the shore, carried away on the wings of birds and the fur on animals, photosynthesis. I was given to the whole and the mysteries of life the seed of knowledge that sprouted me up and out and into your presence.!" 

I rise excitedly and exclaim,"we must leave at once!! I have many things to speak to The Oracle about."

That said, I stride forward knowing exactly where we were going, the heart beat of The Oracle finding rhythm with my own, pulling me on. As we step on, Hawk turns and nods; I look back and see the few squirrels and rabbits that were along the shrub line move towards the table and shift into human form. Wawawawhat??? The veil has been lifted, my eyes see beyond. Glorious to behold! As I turn back to the trail, I notice that Hawk has taken lead again, I'm not complaining, great view and it's the carrot I'd want to have dangled in front of me leading me on.

Our journey is effortless. By nightfall, we are making our way down from the coast range, I hear music in the distance, drums and violin, the smell of roasting food fills the air as the music and my heart beat pulls us on.

This scene is odd. As we move back into the woods, the area has a strange murky quality to it, the air is thick and moist, every so often an abandoned car occupies space amongst the trees, covered in moss and decay. I feel like I am walking through very old sacred ground. The cars are not junk, but rather monuments from the past. As my vision widens, I notice more than just cars. We are walking through an ancient town, there are light poles, chimneys, partial walls, walkways.

Hawk indicated with his right hand that we are going just 'across the street', I already know that. I can see The Oracle's aura from where I stand. It's glow and vibration filling the space around us. Such presence.

As we step down age worn stairs, we enter an old courtyard that has multiple levels and each level is a living quarter. A large fire pit burns in the center and just beyond I see The Oracle, sitting on a very large mound of pillows and furs. The Oracle is in heavy robes of green and blue velvet trimmed in silver and gold, an open chest heavy with crystals and bones and feathers. Laughter thunders out as we step into the room.

to be continued....

Just Touching Down

I've just landed! I have been soaring in the heavens from our time together New Year's Eve. As I've been suspended in space from all the love, I have been allowing my senses to relive the feel of that magical night.

It all really began this past week as we got the sound equipment in the theater and all of the members of our show gathered for our first run through Monday night. I had hopes that what I had assembled would be all I had pictured it to be and my dreams were satisfied beyond measure. I love the rehearsal process, watching each of us find our footing through our nerves and excitement so that we can bring the best we have forward the night of the show!!

The day of our show, I went down early and made the 'Drag Queen Punch' and Jeanine and I did some last minute cleaning and planning before our final dress. 

The excitement was building!!! After the final run, Sari and I took a drive out to the beach to do our New Year ritual; after many attempts, we found a spot that wasn't too windy for our lighter and we burnt away. It was a strong reflection of the year: so many things heaped on and loaded tight and all we can do is find the patience, shelter and courage to stay the course to completion. Together we are all stronger.

I was made so aware of that at the show.

I got home in time to make some veggies and rice and begin the transformation into Daylight Cums, Queen for the evening. David and I had been working and reworking my hair for a month to get it to be the vision of perfection I was wishing for. We nailed it!!!

At 7:30, the pre-party house guests arrived for some cheer befor the Glamtram came to pick us up at 8:30. We had drinks and smoke and many photos!!!

Then, it was time to go!! We all boarded the Glamtram and rode into town with Vogue dancing us through the streets. I always have to swing by the Supper Club, to see T and the girls, it is tradition!! Love them all so much!!!

My heart is a flutter, I'm so nervous because this show is so personal and heartfelt and I wanted to be able to be my authentic self on stage, and sometimes ego likes to get in the way...and my mom was coming and that meant more than I could let on, because I needed to keep it together until after the show.

It was so cold, we opened the doors early. Our newly formed Lower Columbia Q Center had our table set up with information and joy to share and I stood by the door and got to greet everyone as they entered!!

I was wrapped so beautifully in hundreds of embraces!! The thing that grabbed me about the gathering was how much childhood family and friends and Astoria locals were there and my friends that traveled from Portland and beyond to be there with us!!!! Aaron and Vince and the Roman clan,  Colleen and Kevin, Vicki and Dave, Nicholas and Shane!! Becky Becky Becky!!!!! Ryan and Jorge, the three of us celebrating our 3 year anniversary of friendship!!!! Scott and Michael Foster!! Sari and Dean!!!! Dana and Grim! Steven and Lisa!!!The names keep on going and going!!! Briony behind the lense and Josh, Steven, Damien and Marine dancing along!!!

Backstage, before the show, we formed a circle and soaked up the love and excitement and grounded ourselves into the moment so that we could step on the stage in our truth and bring you the show we want to send into the New Year! Having Mags and Shay performing with me again!!! My heart:) Summer finally taking the stage! Suzi joining us with her skills and finesse!! Kim, Andrea, Jessamyn, Josh, Dinah and David!!! Jeff on sound!!!! Dan on lights, River and Jeanine. Sofie!! Bryan and Tara!! Josh Baer at the bar!! My Jell-O shot gals: Alison, Sarah, Kendra, Sofie! GRETCHEN! And the mistress of the balcony, Norma!!!!

Showtime!!!!

We take the stage, fans out, lights and music go..."let me entertain you...."

I can't even begin to describe the feeling of being up there and feeling the support!!

I mentioned how we were going to take all of the pains and joys and frustrations and challenges from this past year and release them with every clap and cheer so we can make room for the path of this new year. My mom delivered them to me when she jumped up to hug me. That moment has been replaying in my soul. The tears that have been flowing.... I'm getting ahead of myself.

After the opening number, Jared took to the stage and started us on the path to amazing music and song!!!! I sat next to mom and she grabbed her tissue to wipe the tears from my face, which just about brought on more tears. Next up, we had the wonderful Martin charm us with his voice!

Then, Teri Yuki and Ginger Vitus took to the stage and performed their song!!! So proud of those two!! And, I turned over the microphone  to my co-hostess, Dida!! Can not even begin to express my gratitude and joy at having her on the stage with us!!! Seriously.

Aleesha warmed our hearts with her song and Daric rocked us out of our seats as he filled the room with his song! Jessamyn and I lead us to intermission with the dance she choreographed for us!!!

Act 2, had me nervous. The death of butterfly. It was poetic in many ways.

Sen had asked me to perform some arias from Madame Butterfly, and I asked him if we could do it for the show. This was a challenge for me. Learning to sing the songs in Italian so that I could convey the tragic story. I have always been quite fan of opera, and this seemed the perfect way to share it with the community. Then, into the Butterfly Fleet video!! Thank you Tyler Little!!

Sofonda Dykes took the stage with her Goldfinger and Zora Backdoora and Bustin Cherry sang  'baby it's cold outside' as we did a pass the hat for the warming center!! We raised $650 for them!!!! Thank you!

Dida sang her final song and welcomed our special guest to the stage, Marco!

He hasn't performed in almost 7 years! He has allowed me to take center stage and hasn't complained once and as a gift, I allowed him to perform because it meant so much to him!!

He stood up there in his gold glittered tipped feather coat and talked about his throat chakra and how this year has been about his voice and his truth and he worked on a song to share with us. He sang 'My Way' a song his mom had been wanting him to sing for years.

The crowd loved him right then, everyone was on their feet at the end and then the most unexpected and beautiful thing happened:

Mom jumped up from her seat with tears down  her face and grabbed me in an embrace of such total love and acceptance that the whole room felt it and within that hug she had given me everything we had bee releasing from the year and I accepted it into my heart, wiped my tears and we gave you one last family bow and one last big finish dance number withTAP!!!!! And I soared away and took to the heavens with all that love and pain and joy and sorrow and I opened myself to the heavens and allowed it to release and the stars soaked it up and I shimmered in their beauty as I gently floated back to earth so much stronger and more grounded than I have ever felt.

I can not even begin to express my gratitude for all that you all do for me!!! I love more deeply and honestly because of you.

And mom, I can not even tell you how much you being there and celebrating with us meant not only to me, but the rest of the community as well. You are the mother of the year according to more than just me!!! I love you!!

As we wander through this New Year, let us all keep in mind the support we all shared for each other and bring that to our daily lives and continue to blossom in the amazing community most know as Astoria, and we know a home!!

Completely yours,

Daylight