Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together or.....trembling before you

Truth be told, I am an extremely emotional person. Years of having to be an altarboy for funerals and weddings helped curb me of my constant flow of tears. I could hold my little plate to catch the crumbs under the most grief ridden, mascara stained face without even a dampening around my eyes.

This trick, or gift, came in handy for me with all the years of abuse, physically and verbally. You will never see me crumble. No, not me. I am strong and I will save my tears for the privacy of my own room or beach thank you very much.

As I remove more of my protective gear, I find the surge of emotions rush over me more freely and I enjoy welcoming a nice waterfall from my eyes.

Some days, I just can't help myself. I will be sitting in a room with friends and just feel so blessed to be surrounded and supported by so many wonderful and loving people and my eyes swell.

Just today, while walking to work, rehearsing a few numbers as I strutted down the street, a particular song came on and I found myself within the moment of the number... I should pause here to say that while I walk rehearse, I use movement visualization, I picture myself in the moment of the performance so I can feel the depth of the movement. I usually place visual memories of all our bodies in the theater, the energy in the room just lifting us up and supporting us. That love!!!

So, I'm having that moment, working on this particular number, a number I'm really doing for my mom, and now she is actually going to see it live and it got my heart fluttering and I had to chant my,"keep it together keep it together keep it together" while I was working on the song so that I wouldn't cry. However, in this moment, I let the tears fall, because it felt so good. And, it's good practice to make it through the tears, especially in front of all of you.

So, if you see me crying, know they are tears of joy from us all being together ringing in the new year!!!!

It has been a tough year for all of us and we have made it through. We have weathered the storm, faced our demons, loss, change, so much change. And we are at the point where we can examine what we faced and bid it a farewell as we ready our hearts and minds for this amazing year ahead of us!! We are stronger together and the more open and loving we can be with one another the more peace and joy we will find along our paths! I will be looking for you.

All my love as we move forward,

Daylight

The visitor at the beach

 I find myself sitting at the beach, again, on my rock; the place I allow myself to stand unguarded and vulnerable to the world and the powers that be. It is the place I am able to see just how small I truly am in the scope of the world. Oftentimes, things seem so massive, life and problems too big to even face, fear pushing me down and causing my soul to shrink. Not here, at the jetty, the salt air filling my lungs, the wind caressing my skin and the sound of the waves finding their way into my heartbeat and within that moment of connection I see beyond myself and the world and recognize that we all roll with the tides. Some days we are on the high, other days the low but it is always shifting and changing and moving on.

As I sit there feeling the screams within subside and my shields drop as the warmth of the rocks seep into my core, grounding me, the crack of the waves trembling the very place I sit. The sun breaks through, glorious rays of light jumping free and making the ocean appear to be mercury so thick and silver and oddly gold. The sky takes my breath away and the bird soaring in the sky grabs my attention. It is so large and graceful and its wings carry the bird across the water towards shore, towards me.

I think nothing of it, birds soaring over head always fills me with excitement and awe. This bird was approaching me, however, as in flying right to me, descending to my very spot at the jetty. As it makes its final descent, I am able to see past the blinding brilliance in the sky and I notice that the bird is actually a man; it is you, the man I have been coming here to hold space for in your absence. 

You land before me, wings turning into arms and they wrap me in an embrace I have been craving these past many years. As you hold me, I allow myself to be held and to hold you; I breathe in, grabbing the rich aroma of you... Smells I've missed. I can feel your ancestors in a drum circle around us as our embrace lifts me from the earth as you whip me through the sky with your touch.

You let go of me, but still stay connected, taking me in with your eyes. Oh how I've missed your pools of blue. The depths they took me to, always thinking there would be a shore to rest upon, the reality is last time I gazed into your eyes way nearly 20 years ago. 

Do you recall our first meeting? We met before we ever met. In that space between worlds, me looking for my guide and you appearing from the forest guiding me along my way. You stepped forward, caught me with your eyes and I was pulled towards you, a pull which turned to flight and I landed on the middle of three branches facing north, I looked down at you, only you are me looking up at me and I was a hawk facing north.

Our first physical encounter was from across the street as you caught my eye at the corner of 11th and Marine Drive, you held me in your gaze as you walked right to the cafe door. I remember being in the back kitchen silently freaking out in the mirror trying to figure out why or how you were real??? I pull myself together and walk out front.

There you are, sitting at number 7, in your red and white checked Italian tablecloth shirt, couldn't mistake those eyes. I'm trembling as I place a menu down and ask you what brought you to the cafe. You smile and say, "I came here to find you." My heart. In my mind, I'm jumping over the counter and making love to you without holding back; I can feel your eyes on me sensing the same scenario as I continue my work.

We go on like that, pulled in to each other...

On our third date, I tell you of my vision, you tell me of your Indian heritage and that your name is Hawk Facing North. I'm so wet right then, I can feel you so deeply inside of me and I in you and we never even did it.

You opened my heart and my eyes in so many incredible ways and then, you vanished without a trace and my heart still searches for you.

As the years have passed, the memory of your smell has faded. I can still feel your skin beneath my hand if I dare to go that deep. I feel your breath on my neck, guiding me on still.

You have visited me in that in between place, twice. Each time, encouraging me to continue to let go and open my heart and trust that my feet and soul will take me to where I need to be.

I used to pray that they would lead me back to you. I kept my porch light on for you every night for 7 years. I held vigil for you until the day I realized I was also holding my breath. Actually, you whispered that in my ear.

You holding me, right here at the beach, brought all that into focus for me. I don't know what I was hoping for.. I guess a guide and a lover. I'll take the guide. You have helped me to understand so much in this life. 

As you look into me, I feel my fortress wash away with the rolling tide. You tell me I needn't be an army of one any longer. That I must trust my breath and my voice and my heart and step on with as much openness I can sustain.

You, here, now makes me realize that as much as I have brought to my breath and my present moment, I have found that I have been suspended and separated by the fortress of my being. I thought I was free and flowing but the reality is that I was still bound. Well, that is what my mind

lead me to believe. I can see that I am not bound, that I am free to move as I must, it was just a trick of the eye.

You remind me of the importance of community and how there should be no restraint, no ignorance, no blind eye. We are all one, we are all here finding our breath and our heart beats and paths and if we would just look up and out, we would discover that we are not alone in any one thing that we do because we are all connected, drawn to the places that bring us more deeply home.

And as I sit at my spot on the rocks, taking in the lessons I have been given, I am reminded of the guidance you have given me in all these years I felt you had abandoned me, to you, my sweet David, I allow my heart to open more fully and allow all the sweet salt air to refresh my soul for the next part of this journey.

As the storm rages

The other morning, while I was walking to work in the wind and rain, I was overwhelmed by the electricity and rage in the air; violence washed over me and tried to grab hold and the Doctor Seuss tree out front of the Daily Astorian, waved its long arms and encouraged me to just let it roll off of me like the rain and not hold onto the rage.

I have spent many many years curbing my rage. It is an aspect of my being that I have never been comfortable with. This past year, has taught me to surrender to the rage, and what I found as I gave into it, was that it dissolved and washed away with the tides.

It's a mystery, there is an emptiness within me, where I kept it locked down for so long, and within that emptiness, I have found a calm and peace that is so satisfying.

I think what brought the shift along was my need to find patience and kindness for myself; something that has never been easy for me. As a perfectionist and former human who lived for guilt, self doubt and bottled up rage, it was always easiest for me to let my quick witted tongue and attitude slash through the air and strike at will. I hated it and loved it at the same time. 

In conversation, I would always have my mind racing for what to respond with never really hearing what was being said. 

There is an art to listening; a skill we should all focus on. It's has gotten to a point where it seems like no one can listen because we are all too busy tuning in and freaking out. I feel like we all need to take time out and breathe together and find the rhythm of our breaths and then, take another moment to allow that stillness to sink into our souls and the, take a moment to look each other in the eye and recognize that we are all the same. We are all just trying to make the best of it, it being our journey through life.

Some of us are worse off than others, but the reality is that we all crave the same thing; we have just forgotten what it is we are really searching for because life has turned into a race and we don't even know what the prize is, all we know is we have to keep going and moving past those in front of us and not even acknowledge one another when we have that moment of being side by side.

Fear pushes us along, and we never look back at it because we have been trained to not look at our fears, keep running from them.

This year, I stopped running and I turned around and looked at my fears and I actually let them touch me and hold me and I found that they were not as frightening as I had been lead to believe.

Since I stopped, I find I am not winded any longer, my shoulders have begun to relax because I'm not using them as a shield from keeping my fear and things I don't want to deal with a way. And, as they have released, I have noticed my heart expand and my capacity for patience, breath, love and laughter has grown.

We all have our points in time we get locked into; maybe a moment when we felt most alive, a moment of total disaster, rage, confusion, infancy. For myself, it spans from 18-21. The years I truly learned to guard myself and put on my armor and try to walk brave even though every step caused my soul to quiver within out of fear of being beaten down one more time.

But through that guarding of myself, I allowed myself to continually play the game of master and servant, me being the servant, only it wasn't nearly as sexy as the song made me feel(wink). Too many years of abusive relationships because it was what I knew.

About 3 years ago, I learned to not react in fights but to listen and respond in kindness. It was so strange the first time I did it; I remember it so well, it was a New Year's Eve event we were doing at the cafe and Uriah and I could really get into it, and I stopped myself from it. I just told him that I wouldn't raise my voice with him like that anymore. Something shifted in me, in our relationship, and the hold was gone.

I decided to try it more often, I tried to lower my guard and allow my fragile being some air.

It feels so good, being free from that conflict within. I love that I can see people now and not duck and run or puff and strut to avoid actual interaction. 

So, as the storm blows and the waters rise and the vibrations get electric, I let my shoulders drop and I walk with the elements and let it shake the shackles from my being and let myself go breathless knowing that I have the skills to fill myself back up and trust in the journey.

The art of the lip sync...embodying the role and the sacred art of not upstaging oneself

As you know, we are in rehearsals for our Daylight and Friends New Years Eve Celebration; and practice makes perfect. I am so blessed to have the family I have; the one I was born into for sure!!! And the one I gave birth to most definitely!! I really appreciate how hard they are willing to work! Just today, I started my day rehearsing with 3 different people. The first rehearsal was for the opening of act 2, don't want to give it away, so I will just say it is in Italian (wink).

So, for the last several weeks I have been letting the music seep into my being. I am faced with a few challenges: well, I'm not an opera singer for starters. The piece goes from deep fond longing love to the decision to commit suicide in order to provide the others a greater chance at happiness. There is a certain vulnerability that has to be reached and waded through to make it to that point. For myself, I have lost way too many friends to suicide and I have compassion for people who get to that edge of everything and it seems like the only option. I have stood on that edge with several people encouraging them through the pain to be able to stay with us in the living world. We can only encourage we can never enforce.

I have been taking all of those memories and breathing with those friends as I work on this role. The trick is to not allow it to take hold of me. Sometimes, it can get a bit too inner woven with the fibers of my own being and I have to remind myself of that. The heaviness is so intense. Especially coupled with the intensity of where I have been this past year, this is a highly therapeutic piece for me to be working on... Am I sharing too much? I don't think so. It's like a fart, better out than in.

The other aspect for this particular piece is to learn the meaning of each word I lip sync. What is it she is singing here? I can feel it in the music, but to express it well, it must be understood and embodied.  The song becomes my world. I see the smoke rising, I watch him climb the hill to me as I hide to tease and out of fear of dying at first sight of him. I breathe into the floor and out of the top of my head as I allow the memories of my friends past to surge through me giving me the understanding I need to lip sync my way through to the end.

It is also a challenge rehearsing out of costume. I find it a strong tool. I work to find the honesty of the tale from the inside out. So what if I have a beard right now, I did just shave it off...but still, I must allow the flight and passion of the voice I am embodying to lead me through the range of emotions just craving to be expressed. 

I battle with this a lot. Especially, during rehearsals, Marco will be out chilling with his friends and all of a sudden here she is!!!! Daylight just takes over. It is usually in the shift of a position or maybe a song or attitude that gets turned on.  Makes me giggle every time; this is all part of the show, the masterpiece of life. I work hard at keeping my two worlds separate. When I am Daylight, I do my best to be fully realized, Marco is in third person. And now that I have had such a run, Marco has the pleasure of speaking of me in third person when he is discussing our shows.

I mean, right now, he is leading the rehearsals, so it has been interesting watching the show develop from a bystander perspective. That all changes this week. It is all part of the gout game. Sometimes he is just too physically in pain to allow me stage time, so I sit it out while he wrestles through it all, trying to gain strength so that I, Daylight Cums, can always be fully charged when I take to the stage. He really is so thoughtful. Bless.

Anyway(sssss), what was I even talking about? Oh right. The art of the lip sync. So, the piece I am working on is stunning, just dripping in emotion and finality. The problem is, this particular singer, and I am really trying not to give too much away, really butchers the piece. Don't get me wrong, it is gorgeous, it lifts and carries the listener; that is what she is incredible at; her diction is just not all that. So, I'm learning how to say it all so that I may let it all go and fall into the spaces in between the notes so that I can live in the moment of the music.

This right here is what I love most about rehearsing. We only get to perform it once, but we dedicate hours upon hours in rehearsals to get it right. Learning from our mistakes, picking up our cues each time we run a piece. Learning every subtle nuance of whatever it may be that we are working on so that we can give you the best time you could have ever hoped for. 

That is what I love about my life. I love practicing so that I can get it right. I love the joy I get from every mistake I make in rehearsals; I always try to hold onto that so I can be a part of the final product. And by product I mean performance and by performance I mean life.

We are all in rehearsals together figuring out this silly game of life. We get multiple roles in our lives to help inform as we audition for the next role. Always searching out the challenging roles because they always bring the most growth.

Ah, the theatre. Have to love it!!!

It's that time of year....the art of letting go...or, if your panties are in a bunch, take them off

It's that time of year when I usually start with my writing up my things about my life and myself that I need to let go of or work on. For many many years, Sari and I would take the time out and write our 'intentions' down and we would go some place in nature, usually near running water and we would say them out loud as we burnt each one. We did this as a means of letting go of this or that. Over the years, we have shared this tradition with other close people in our lives. It really is such an incredible experience. 

I usually have the same 10 or 15 strips of paper and maybe another 10 of new things I want to rid myself of.. An always evolving list.  This year, I have just realize that I have let go of almost all of my issues that I burn every year. I'm serious. This year has pushed me to the edge of everything I have ever known and I had to keep letting go of my issues so that I could have the strength to hold myself together as I went through this transformation.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've still got my stuff to work on. However, I can't begin to express how freeing it is to recognize that I am done with this and that.

Most of what I have had to let go of have been my cravings; I have ALWAYS been insatiable, I just can't ever get enough. This rings true specifically to food, candy and alcohol. Three of my absolute favorite things!! My death row meal would be chicken strips with blue cheese dressing and honey mustard dressing, a double whiskey ginger or 3 a peanut butter hot fudge sundae with extra toppings and a pack of sour patch kids. Or, and peanut m and m's, starbursts, a bowl of tiramisu, a Caesar salad and a rare fillet mignon.Having been forced to remove them from my equation of life; has given me so much freedom. I didn't recognize that until this very moment when I was gathering my list of things to write.

My entire life has revolved around food and the service industry. Every aspect of it. So, I've felt a bit like a tourist discovering a whole new world (cue the Aladin soundtrack). It has been almost a year of discovering how to navigate through this new territory; and I'm starting to get the hang of it. I'm not as nervous as I was, the bucked teeth and feathered hair only pop into focus every now and again. I know you've seen it;)

I'm kind of excited, I've been so focused on the pain and frustration that I didn't recognize the sweet feel of the wind on me as I sat relaxed taking in the moment. There are two to add to my list: let go of the pain, especially the phantom pain. Allow the frustration to be there, get to know it so that it is no longer a frustration, but an understanding. I'm going to add shame to the list, it is one that has been on there from the beginning. The shame of being me. All those years of yells, attacks, church, fears and jeers need to roll of of me as water as I allow myself to be carried by the currents of my life. I'm going to find my bouyancy so that I can be one with the water and rise and fall with the tide, my boarders always changing as I roll on, just like the Columbia rolls on.

I am not trying to sound sappy, I am really just blown away by this sense of freedom I feel right now. I feel like I've won, even though I've lost so much.  And... Add the fact that we have been in rehearsals for our New Years eve celebration and creating and rehearsing and taking ideas from the head and placing them on my body and the bodies of my family of performers; first being awkward and unsure and them, bam, there it is girl!! Work! YAAS queens YAAS!!! I'm being challenged for this show too; I'm learning a few new numbers, and pushing myself to express in ways I don't normally do. Feels good!!

I'm I know it is still like a month away, but I am so excited for this NYE!!! Having us all together in the Columbian Theater, us performing for you, you cheering us on, giving us the life force we all require. That ebb and flow of emotions and bodies dancing through the space. Each time, my favorite moment is being surrounded by all of that love and positivity. We've got each other. That feeling of all our hearts pulsing in that room, fills me in ways I can't even begin to express. But it carries me on and on and on and when I feel down or beat up; I just place myself in that circle of light on the stage and I feel you all deep inside of me and all around me and I know I've got this. I hope that you feel the same. Because I send it out to you all on the daily. Really I do. Our community is one of my greatest purposes and pleasures in life! Couldn't ask for a better town to love on!!! 

As we move forward, as the days darken and the pressures surround us; let's us all remember how lucky we really are to have found our place and our heart beat and may we continue to look out for and love one another!! 

You have mine,

Daylight

Breaking the fear barrier....or how I choose the good over the bad..or#bitchgetoffmypole

This time of year always brings me deeper inside. I guess there is less daylight to have me wandering around with my head in the clouds and the flowers; and it it gives me the opportunity to look within and sort out this shit I call life (wink).

I suppose it all began the other evening while I was finally able to assume the position at the altar and take it all in. The candles were lit, the lava lamp flowing, incense in the air and my heart open to the moment and what each breath would reveal. I kept hearing a teachers voice,"Just stay. You want to move, just stay. You think you are done, just stay a bit longer, one more breath." I hear another," lift up through your (the sandscrit phrase goes here) abdomanals and feel your root chakra opening to the space you are sitting on, breathe with the earth." 

I have to call Nicholas. I want to move; just stay. A multitude of reasons to move get in my space and with every breath, I stay. I have had a hard time sitting in my silence, in my head and heart; there has been so much this year from every angle, tempo and dimension. The first thing that pops up is the negative. Why? Why do I always first see the negative? The inner dialogue began," you can't even do what you were going to do this year. Can't  even keep your promise to take the year off from doing stuff. Remember you were going to rest and heal. Yeah, but the moments were right and I had suspended moments in time where I was able to do, and I did and I loved it. Yeah, but you have been a total fucking hot mess all year. Come on, you have been living in sweats for almost a year. Sure, they are cute and fashionable. However, they are bloody sweats!!! Enough already." 

I stayed, I let that tape run without holding onto it or judging it; just letting it run itself out. Next, I saw fluttering of all the wonderful moments of this past year jump in and out of focus as I allowed my vision to melt into the golden glow of the lava lamp, it's slow motion ooze up and down and around, reminding me of my quest of the slug method. Taking it easy and just doing what I can do.

And I did just do that!! I took it easy and I got to be a part of countless incredible heart melting and magical moments. I had been afraid that I would miss out on life if I slowed down to take care of my life. What I have found is that I am living my life fully and completely. I exist within the highs and lows, I have become water and I shift with the tides as the moon and sun tilt us through this dance of life.

I flash to the day I drove myself to parking lot A, and I took 30 minutes to be able to climb up that dune and down to the beach so I could put my frail and inflamed body in the soothing crisp roll of the ocean. I stood there, wanting to be curled into a ball of misery on the sand, I stood on both legs and allowed my breath to flow through me and into the soft sand supporting me; the sun poked through and showered its warmth and beauty upon me, Marco being showered in Daylight. I heard the voices," how can you expect your body to support you when all you do is fill it with fear, hatred and frustration? " from that moment on, to the best of my abilities, I fill myself with only love and kindness. Don't get me wrong, I push and challenge myself, but I don't judge myself or play the negative tapes any more. Those have been discarded. Sure they want to pop up, just like at the beginning of this meditation, but I do not hold on to them or give them power over me in my life.

I do the same with actions, words or intentions towards me. That it your shit not mine. I'm not going to beat myself up because you don't like me, or think I'm too tacky, to loud, to honest or gay. No. Ann, those are your fears not mine.

I lived in fear of myself most of my life. Afraid to shine. As Zora Backdoora says in'Daylight Savings Time'," Daylight, I get it. You are Daylight and its your time to shine." Amen sister! I mean daughter.

Then the words of Nelson Mandela dance across my soul," why should we make ourselves small to make others feel more comfortable." Why indeed.

I like living at my full potency. Right now, my full potential is taking it slow, being more honest and open in my life and taking to the stage as often as I can. I breathe.

I stay.

Her name was something like Claudette Beatrice Bernadette Shutthedoor...or memory triggers from CentralPark and beyond...or, truth is, I'm just afraid

While visiting my brother, Ken, in New York, I kept having the funniest and awkward flashes to my days of living in that city in the mid 90's. Smells are strong triggers for me. My first one came when I was crossing the street at 56 and 9th Ave and I saw the ghost of me dragging 2 rolling suit cases and a military bag filled with laundry to the corner laundry where I would drink my coffee blonde and sweet and eat a bagel with cream cheese, smoke many cigarettes and watch the laundry and the world go by one load at a time. The laundromat is now a bank, whatever.

9th Ave has changed so much! It is a hot spot to be, not the frightening dark place it used to feel like; and there are more buildings now??? Anyway(sss)...

We stopped in the Salloon to see his friend bar tending. This is one of the spots Ken would go with his friend for their happy hour drinks. While there I realized that was the spot where I met up with the boy that I made out with on my birthday at Monster; who lived with his grandma in Queens and had the super straight pubes. That booth in the back was where we met up to go at it again. What is it with me and public making out? Those were the days.

I've always picked them young. I've been teased about it for years. I think my favorite was when I first started working at Cafe Mozart on 96 and Columbus, it was a very interesting restaurant. It was Mafia run for sure, super sexy owners and managers with thick accents and thighs and eyelashes and lips for days. The most dreamy men. But they needed people on the books, you know, who payed taxes..by the end of my first week I was made a manager and we just had too much fun! We were a crazy group of kids who LOVED to party and that is what we did. I made my best club connections there; we were on many guest lists to the clubs so we didn't have to wait in the long lines.

One day, I was slicing a piece of cheese cake when the general manager, so damn hot, told me I would be training a new barista. Funny story, when I first started working there the way they made espresso drinks was the most frightening and uncivil way to respect the beverage. There was a hose from the machine that was placed in a gallon jug and you turned the knob and it would 'froth ' the milk but it just looked like how my milk would look when I would use my straw and fill it with big bubbles. I could not take it. This is New York City right? We should be serving the best, not the worst espresso. Since I had such great training from the first espresso machine Astoria ever had at the Columbian cafe, I trained everyone how to do it right. All it took was for me to make one for the owner and let him taste my milky goodness in his mouth. He was mine!!

So, my new barista arrived and I had to sit down for a second because he was the most gorgeous creature I had ever seen; he turned me on in ways I had never known. His English was pretty good, he learned it all from Madonna. Seriously, he knew all of her songs by heart and at the end of his first shift after spending hours looking into his huge gorgeous eyes that were hedged with the most luscious lashes and sharing multiple cigarettes, he started singing Madonna to me while we closed and I knew I was his.

He came home with me that night. My rule had always been to hook up on the first night so at least I would get laid before the person realized how big a freak I was and ran the other way. My room situation was interesting because I shared it with another fella and it was divided by a simple curtain of faux red velvet, not the best for sound control. I had a boom box and Madonna, it's all good. This is New York City right? ( it was our catch phrase for like 6 months or a year). So we are on my half of the room, my bed was a piece of 2 inch foam I had gotten on a dumpster diving adventure, it was how we furnished the place, until I got my first credit card and then it was all 1-800-MATTRESS!! But for this dream boat of a young man, it was the foam pad on the floor. 

We started with him doing the whole erotica album while we chain smoked and made out and then we got it on. His words made my mind numb, his eyes had me so gagaed out and his body.. And then he finished and rolled off to sleep and left me to fend for myself. I hate that. Help a dude out man. He WAS 18, I could teach him. Our pattern was like this: work, home, sing, sex and sleep. And party party party.  After about a month, I finally got him to let me go to his place on the upper west side. 

He lived with this old woman, Claudette Beatrice Bernadette Shutthedoor, who rented the place and then rented her rooms out to people for high rent. The place was frightening! And I've seen some scary places in my time, but this was the absolute worst place I had ever been and I found it fascinating.

Her living room was at one time nice, same furniture for like 20 years, never moved. I could tell by the mound of dirt and cigarette ash that surrounded everything, including the TV trays. She had huge ashtrays on each arm of her chair and she only drank rum out of the little individual bottles which were over the entire surface of the what I could only hope was carpet.

The kitchen, I can't even relive that moment. I throw up just thinking of the nasty smell of the fridge. Cockroaches not even hiding, they were hanging out watching us make out over a pile of pizza boxes and take out menus.

His room was worse. He slept on a single camping cot and had mounds of clothes and garbage every where; I now understand why he always wants to stay with me. The only good part was that he introduced me to his favors singer from Israel, Rita. Amazing voice and he translated while she sang and it made me so horney. That bed. I already had weight issues and I felt like the two of us on there were going to break it, the cockroaches would have a good laugh for sure. As I am getting ready to do a perfect 10 dismount, he stops me by grabbing my gut and telling me I need to get rid of this for him.

Well, I never.. Actually, I always... Thank goodness for Coke. That got the weight off fast and I got so much done and just partied partied partied. It kept him around for awhile. At like 4 months I find out that even though he had been living with me because I couldn't stand him being there with that frightening woman; he had 4 other guys he was fucking, excuse me? Yeah, I do t play like that. He loved the convenience of me and all the fun we had, but he wanted to be with other men too. He was just sleeping his way to fame. Bitch get off my pole. 

I gave him an ultimatum which he didn't hold to and came back to find all his shit in plastic garbage bags outside the door with the deadbolt latched so he couldn't get in. It took all my strength to resist his pleas and batting eyes, but I was strong and sent him packing and fired his ass too. They always say,'don't shit where you eat' true true.

As frustrating as it was, he really was such a fun moment in my wheel of time. 

Why do the negative words and actions linger longer than the positive ones? What is it easier to hold on to 'you should really get rid of that' instead of 'you have the most beautiful hair'? Why do I give my power away to be accepted? Why do I choose not to react? I think I got so used to being beaten down that to find the path to my own being has made me very afraid. And so I do things like make it bigger, not my gut, my personality and I lift my rib cage higher and I assume the gait of confidence and grace but always on guard for the comment to make me shrink. That shell keeping me protected but also separate from my true being and my true feelings. 

I like to think I'm smarter now; in many ways I am. But that fear still follows me around no matter how strong and connected I become to myself, it still picks at me just under the surface, I choose to look at it as encouragement to keep going. I work hard each and every day to make my fear my friend and most days we go to bed in each other's arms and other days it's like a parking boot has been attached to my gut and everyone knows what that means...

These memories are always such great tools; reminders to not hold on, but to go free without a care in the world as to what anyone thinks. I like that they all make me laugh, I see no shame in any of it and THAT is a good thing for sure. I recognize that I need to get over myself before I can see the beauty and vastness of the skies beyond my borders and I am so excited to venture on and see where I land..

Taking to the streets of Manhattan

I'm in New York spending a week with my brother Ken and his partner, Kevin. It's been a number of years since I have been back for a visit and the fall has always been one of my favorite times of year to be here. When we get together, we like to just be, no real plans just head out and see where the day will take us. It's always moments like these that I truly grasp how incredible it is to have a gay brother. It always adds to our fun adventures.

Our first outing found us in CentralPark, it has always been one of our favorite places to go. We are avid people watches, some may say I even gawk-rubberneck davis was an old nickname-(really I'm just absorbing it all), and the park is the perfect place. The day was so perfect, the sun was out, people were running, the bleachers were being set up for the marathon next week, the smell of the roasting nuts filling the air and boom boxes sending out a beat as street performers get the crowds to gather, violins under the stairs and sun bathers all around. 

We walked home past our first home on 56th and 8th Ave, saw how much has changed yet stayed the same. The familiarity of walking those streets still deeply woven into the cellular memory of my being. We ended with a stroll down Broadway to 47th to scope out some shots for my photo shoot the following day. I figured since we are doing a Daylight and Friends New Years Eve show at the Columbian Theater, I must have a picture of me in Times Square for the poster, just the way my mind works (wink). 

The next day, what a gorgeous day it was! We started with a walk over to SAKS because a girl needs to walk through the shoe floor just because. Heaven. Then, we strolled up to Bergdorf Goodmans to check out the windows, always a must.. Especially at the holiday season. To our wonder and awe, the windows were done in celebration of the opening of Crimson Peaks and they were unbelievable!!! I'm still drooling thinking about it.

Next, we were on the train down to Union Sauare to get produce for our meals, what a great outing!! After a power nap, we went to our old favorite neighborhood bar, Barrage, for a Crystal Gayle, which is a frozen cosmopolitan, delicious!!  

The time was right, we headed home and got the girl all dressed up to take Times Square!!! 

Walking down the street pulled me back to the first time I introduced myself to the world, on the streets of New Orleans 3 years ago! That was a trip, wandering through the French Quarter with Becky, Jeanine, Uriah, and the rest of our crew. It was a glorious parade and I felt my spirit bursting and floating around me. I had the gold Isis wings and I fluttered down thos streets with my friends as we made new ones with every person who wanted to stop and have a photo and a hug. My favorite was a group of young girls asking me if I was dressed as Beyoncé, I laughed and loved it, and introduced myself as Daylight! But maybe it was getting to have a dance moment with a one man band as a crowd gathered to cheer on the magic!

That memory was pulsing through me as I made my first few strides down the street, I was feeling a touch shy. I get that way. Once we hit the square and I found my light, the rest was just flirting and flitting. Had some photos taken with people taking in the sites and wondering once again if I was supposed to be Beyoncé or Lady Gaga.. 'You are so sweet; no I'm just a girl out on the town. My name is Daylight Cums.'

Our next stop was to return to Barrage, then hit Flaming Saddles and go to Therapy.  We took our time and when the moment hit we took a photo. This may be my favorite:

Everywhere we went people stopped to admire, comment or share a hug. This little town girl was feeling so much love! At Therapy so many people wondered when I was performing. 'Oh, I'm not performing tonight sweetie, I'm just here to take it all in.' And boy did I. A girls got to have her trashy moment.

We watched some of the big top show. Had such a great time. What I swished away with was the knowledge that even though I am a small town queen and nickle and dime our shows together, we put out a show that is just as fierce as anything I saw here.  Often, I feel I need to apologize for myself, apologize for being a low budget act. Kind of like when I was in school and had to present a movement piece for my composition class and I would inevitably begin with my disclaimer of not being on top of my game and I am sorry. Apologizing for something I hadn't even done yet and what kind of set up is that for anyone? Why give them permission to note the 'flaw' before it even happens. And doesn't that give me permission to not give my best.??

Thos are those challenges I have chosen to give up and being out last night and shining as I do, I felt nothing but at ease and at home with every stride I took down the streets of this powerful city. What the streets rumbled to me was that 'I am, I am who I am and no one can tell me I'm not...' I feel as I have been dipped in the rejuvenating waters of my being and I feel the rush of what me and my family of Cums has to bring forward to our community and all those that feel that rhythm too, the rhythm of our Dragalution and the beauty our bodies dancing down the streets strong in the beauty of who we are brings to our incredible town of Astoria.

I'm loving you and can't wait to drink you all in!

Yours,

Daylight

Boners will be boners, or, highway through the danger zone

My 8th grade year was pretty intense, in all the right and uncomfortable ways!! I got in trouble way too often and our 8th grade teacher always punished us by moving our desks next to his and by placing the person that I was having conflict with, right next to me. Torture.

It was so worth it!! The summer before, I had managed to slip a few romance western novels in my box of goodies from helping at the rummage sale and I hid them at my 'secret' fort in the woods and would wander up there to read the sexy words that painted the most incredible pictures in my mind. I thought it would be more fun to write one involving characters similar to ones I knew in my little world; only it would be sexy town!! I asked this 'girl' friend of mine is she wanted to write it with me and we spent some time on our book project. We got excited and would share little snippets to our desk mates, that got me in trouble because I just can not whisper!

While we were working on our book and learning how to type computer code on our Texas Instruments computers, I struggled with my issues of my assthighs eating my boxer shorts every step I took and sitting down made it worse and I was so sensitive down there,. I would go to the bathroom to pull them (literally) out of my ass and that always made my dick tickle even more and I would end up lurking in the bathroom until it calmed down. 

One of my duties at recess was to sit at the base of the stairs near the church and watch for 'the gut ' so that my friends could make out. I loved watching them make out, until they started covering up because they hated me watching. Couldn't help myself, I was gathering intel for my book.

I did the same in high school; I think it is the prerequisite for having fag hags, we have to start by standing guard for our ladies since the action wasn't happening for me unless it was with my special loving sheets that always felt so great against my mounting shame (wink). But seriously, in those days it was my shame. I couldn't pray the gay away, but I learned how to do laundry and never get caught  playing with myself. 

I had a few neighborhood buddies that I would go and walk the piles at the dump looking for old porn mags. I would always looking for the ones with couples so I could at least stare at what I wanted to see. I had a few select pages that I would keep folded up and tucked in a corner of my closet for those special viewing moments everyday. That is, until my mom found them, she was detailed in her searches, all those murder mysteries!!

Mornings were always the worst for me, I'd have diarrhea everyday, have to get up during Good Morning America' and snap one out so trying to get beyond my fear of the day. Please don't let anyone spit on me today. Snap. Please don't let me be shoved down the stairs again? Snap snap snap. Please no boners at school. Snap, wipe, flush, tuck wash and walk. Love you mom. The ride was with our family friend in the VW bus, which gave me a boner every ride to school and I would have to try to adjust under my ring binder so that I might be able to exit the van with no notice. Usually worked, but I would still have to walk with my books and binder held across my crotch, making my walk to the building scream even more. I would have to duck into the choir room and wait for the cool down before finishing my walk of terror to my locker. Thank goodness for the French room, always my safe haven.

P.E. was just awful!! Having to run laps in my gym shorts watching all the guys flopping around in theirs always go me too intrigued and I would have to feign a side cramp and take a breather to let it settle down.  Then, I would be in class and flash to the locker room and that would always be when the bell rang and I would have to hang back and wait to make my exit.

It never gets easier, sure, they become less frequent, maybe. Over 45 the quality definitely changes and sometimes you are caught holding a rod that melts at the slightest shift of thought. Interesting.

I'm still gathering material for that book. My erotic pen has continued to touch paper and press out words crafted to arouse and intrigue and ignite the senses. Sometimes, they are too nasty and I put those aside for a much later date.

As I was walking along today, it struck me that I have never been as happy as I am right now. Things are so different for me, I kind of love it and I am so grateful that I have allowed myself to take this lifetime to be with myself and learn what pleases me and fills me with delight. So many people are always looking out for and praying for my man to come along. I love that. Who knows, maybe he will; until such times, I have the most fulfilling and loving relationship with myself going that has made my heart expand in ways I never knew possible. And as that thought vibrated through my being, I got a tickle on my tip that let me know that everything will be just fine!!! Then

, I had to stop and catch my breath. 

The Party Path...or my life of laughter

My dad is turning 80 this year and I have been looking for this old photo of him sitting on a burnt and fallen tree at Mount Angel Abbey dressed in his monk robe. It is one of my favorite photos of him! He used to have it hanging in the hall outside of his shop at Star. Oh, right... Yeah, my dad was a monk for many years before he left the mount and started his family in Astoria! True story.

Anyway(sss), I just keep my photos in shoe boxes, none are in order so it is always a fun stroll down memory lane when I am on the hunt for a photo. I actually love it, because I get to hold my life in my hands as I flip back and forth through all the years of good times and laughter.

I have always loved a good party! Seriously. It may have started when I was a young one mixing 7 and 7's for my great aunts and uncles while they played cards and listened to music on the record player, cigarettes burning. It was all so fancy to my eyes. One summer, I scored a serving cart and some amazing crystal decanters at the rummage sale and I would have friends over and serve us up fancy drinks, just iced tea or soda with rocks, it was really just about the container and getting to roll the cart into my room and I would push in the 8 track of Abba or Jesus Christ Superstar and have a happy hour dance party.  My room was always a gathering place for dance parties. When Purple Rain came out, I just about lost my mind dancing to that !!! Fun times.

It has been said in more than one occasion that if you are looking for a party, ask me. Flipping through those boxes, I get to see how fortunate I have been to have had the party pulse as my pulse for so long. 

When my brother, Ken, and I are together forget about it... We can bring it in ways you never dreamt possible. We used to have so much fun in Manhattan. Our favorite was always happy hour. There is something so sexy about watching the transition from work to play. Especially in a gay bar midtown. 

Barrage was our favorite gayborhood bar. So sexy, usually always great music and they served the Crystal Gayle, a frozen cosmopolitan, a total treat. The bartenders were so sexy and sweet and that always loved our party antics. Mario would always line up shots for us, yummy, and we would watch the parade of men come in and after the first drink the tie would come off.

One thing that has bothered me in recent years is that the bodies, although beautifully sculpted and nicely dressed, have lost the beat of the music. I would often marvel at how anyone could stand still when 'that' song was on. I mean we are gay right, we should be dancing and spreading joy and opening our hearts. Sometimes I felt like I was dancing around a wax museum of porn stars and brokers. One of my favorite things to do is to break down those barriers. I would just start dancing at my seat, try to get the chair dance going, such resistance. Ken would always join in, we would let out a few 'woops'and try to engage the people around us. Some people were just too cool for school. I always say it is because we are all afraid of our swish, however it may manifest and when you are looking for a hook up, forget about it, the photo can not blur; they must stay stationary and work their best angle.

Truth is, when we are getting nasty there is no perfect, there is just the moment we are in and it can get sweaty and nasty so why not bring it from the get go.. 

I don't know. It reminds me of my early gay days and going dancing at the Brig and sometimes it would just be me on the dance floor and men just standing looking so hot and sexy leaning on the wall or pressed against the bars, watching .. Baby, pull yourself from the wall and press on me. I want to see how we dance together how does your body find rhythm with mine? 

I've only had a few takers over the years, generally I am dirty dancing with my friends, and we dirty dance.. It really is the best. Work it out, dance it out! On my 25th birthday I took myself out for drinks and dancing. I started at the Duplex, loved watching people sing and the scene was always so bright and fun. I took a seat in the corner and watched. The bartender would have none of it, he was beating me at my game. He bought me drinks and made me move to the center of the bar, said I was too beautiful to be in th corner. Then, this gal comes running in from the Monster, across the street, for a quick drink. She was all confused as to why I was all alone and was determined to get me a man and yanked me across the street to go dancing. Her plan was we would dance and when I saw someone I liked we would circle it until he ended dancing with me. 

The plan worked! Before too long my arms were wrapped around a super sexy Latin man and our hips were moving in synchronized thrusts, swivels and sword fight. He went in for a kiss, alright. The best part was that my bracelet was stuck in the knit weave of his sweater vest (it was sexy) and I didn't want to snag it (I'm a real piece of work) my only option was to get closer to free it without being obvious. That involved more kissing which was one song too much and now we had to visit. We went out for pizza and rode the subway together. He had to go back to Queens, he lived with his grandma.  

Another great moment of photo delight was from my last year at UO and we had a going away dance party at John Henry's. It was 80's night, our favorite. That was the place to go to cut loose and I was with my dance and theater friends and we could let loose. The family we have and how we can be that free and trusting with one another, such joy it brings my simple little heart.

It is what I love about our shows and dance parties and skate nights. Our community is so supportive and loving that we are able to go places most never do and let our hearts open and sing in all the delights this world has to offer!!

Ken finally made it out for one of our dance parties. It brought us back to our purpose in life: to spread laughter and love. We may have cried a few times. The reality that this was us and we were out and celebrating and in our home town where none of this was ever possible for us growing up. It was a profound moment for us.

It is so awesome and strange having a gay brother and having us both traveled through our lives in such different ways. He has an incredible partner of almost 20 years, they have their house upstate and a booming business there and their place in the city and they are always so to the nines with every step they take. Then, there is me,  the gypsy queen, I have so much and nothing at the same time, I'm single always, except every 7 years. Yet, with our connection, I feel like I have had the longest best relationship ever, is it possible to be a soulmate to a sibling?, because that has how we have always felt. So connected. It is tough living so far from him. But we have our own journies and our paths pull us together as often as they can.

Which makes me so happy to think about being with him In The city mid-October for a week!!! My soul jumps thinking about our walks in CentralPark, going to Barrage, sitting together and spreading our joy the only way we know how one smile and hug at a time.

The art of falling

I'm not one that falls. Seriously, I'm just like a weeble, I'll wobble but I don't fall down. However, I love to fall... When it's choreographed (wink). It's one of my favorite things to teach in a dance class!! There is an art to the fall. One has to be willing to give into gravity and greet the earth. Doris Humphrey called it 'the arc between life and death.'

There is a moment of weightlessness before the pull of gravity takes over, and that sensation is one of the most incredible I've ever known. To have a soundless fall is glorious it is like sliding into home base only the playing field is a soothing lake of the most comfortable moss. Yummy for the body and soul!!

So, imagine my surprise when I had a doozy of a fall IN PUBLIC the other day!! Even funnier, I had just been having a visit with my family and we were talking about our dad's crowning moment of walking down in front of the coffee an and someone honking at him and he turns and waves and keeps on walking..... Right into a pole and got knocked out. We shouldn't laugh, really. But we just can't help it. It's funny. It was a family joke and ended up in charades almost as frequently as Mrs. Reed.

Well, I walk into the hotel to put up a poster for the big disco gay skate night on the 12th and I see a friend and I stop and give him a hug, the place is crowded and there is a group of beautiful ladies sitting on the other side of the lobby positioned to look at my extremely good looking friend and I turn to go after our hug and my big invisible hair gets me off balance from my swishy turn and my feet slip right up and out from under me and I slam down hard on the stairs and I try to immediately stand but the floor is wet so I have that great comedic moment of scrambling to stand like a baby deer on skates... EVERYONE is staring and I shake it off and ease out as gracefully as possible.

Usually if things happen like that, it's right after I say or think something rude, my instant karma check. That would happen to me all the time at the cafe, especially at this time of the year when I would get to that point of thinking,' if I have to be asked one more time where is the nearest ATM ' I may crack. But this day, I was floating in ease and joy. I was so happy to be wandering in the rain. Loving it! Shit happens.

I know those girls got a good giggle out of that and it probably opened the door for a more verbal flirt exchange with my super handsome friend. You are welcome.

But this fall wasn't one of my yummy falls. This one hurt, and at my age, I'm beginning to notice how I just don't bounce back as quickly as before.

It is as if the fall has me suspended in time. I'm still on the rebound and my feet will have me upright shortly and I will shimmy like nothing has happened. Right now, the sun is out and I've been sitting out back looking at how the yard has changed so much in just a few days. The wind brought down a branch, the cosmos have been knocked down, the bamboo is heavy from the rain and the prayer flags are stretched from the wind and rain their prayers being lifted and carried regardless of their appearance. And that sweet fall smell fills my entire being as the sun crosses the tree and kisses my face with sun. And I land.

A Million Dollar Cowboy Bar performance dream...or...if I just would have avoided the tomatoes and green beans...or...another time perhaps

I have had the same vision the last few days. It has been so vivid I can actually feel the air of the bar on my bare legs as I work across the dance floor at the Million Dollar Cowboy Bar, in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, which is where Becky and I will be heading in just a few hours to witness the awesomeness of a wedding of our friend, Lindsey to her man, Steve!!!

Can we say,'ROAD TRIP!!!!!' 

I have been looking forward to this trip! I love Jackson so much, I think about that place a lot and if it didn't snow, I'd maybe consider living there. I could live out my fantasy of being a forest ranger and riding a horse and having my broke back moment. I did, after all, go to forestry camp in the 7th grade because that is what I wanted to do when I grew up. That was such an intense experience for me. It was a several week long camp, hours from home and I had to bunk up with strangers (gasp). I remember arriving early and my family dropping me with the kitchen help who were already there; at least I'm comfortable in a kitchen. Then, my family is driving away and I am running down the dirt road, dust in my face, my bell bottoms flapping on my cankles, tears streaming my dust covered face and my siblings pressed against the back window crying back at me. It was our first time ever apart from one another. The kitchen lady comforted me with a snack and I got to set up my bunk early. Score.

The camp was fun! Definitely a boundary pusher for young chub rub Davis, but I never let them see me weak!! During the course of the camp we had so many adventures and educational experiences. I was the youngest at camp, most were juniors or seniors, so many crushes.. The camp ended in a competition. The categories: tree identification, double buck sawing, chain sawing, compass setting and choker setting. I got first place in all but choker setting, which I got third in. I was awarded most diligent. I left that camp stronger in so many ways. I really think it gave me so much strength and ability to rise above and just make it through. That seriously came out of left field. Wow.. Anyway(sss), back to my vision:

We are in Jackson, it is Friday night we have just had a great meal and now we are at the Cowboy Bar, I love this place!! The best part is that it is packed full of people. Cowboys in their button snap shirts (tucked in), belts on their jeans, cowboy boots, hats and manners. They all dance. Every single one of them!!  It really is a sight to behold because they are ALL good dancers and know how to lead their partner across the floor. So, Lindsey has arranged for CAZ Colins, or something like that (he played in there once and we were in love with him and his music and sexy ways! When he did his prince cover we all threw our panties to him), to play the party in the bar. Everyone is dancing. 

I had arranged with the manager to use the kitchen to get dressed and I go out in my black and white fringe number and walk right up to CAZ, give him a wet long kiss without messing my lipstick and take the microphone. There is a hush in the air. I hear Lindsey scream,'DAYLIGHT!!!!' I tell the crowd that it is the night before her special day and I was hoping that they would all allow me a moment to perform a number for her. The wedding party goes wild and there are a few bud light bottles raised in other parts of the bar.

I clear the dance floor, hit my mark and the manager hits play.... Dance ten, looks three begins. I step, slide, charleston and shimmy my way across the floor.. That ain't it kid, that ain't it, my eyes lock with Lindz. Tears in my soul as I smile bigger and shimmy to the beat. A 5,6,7,8 the time step, freeze. Grab a cab... Move through the final note and pose, energy through the fingertips and body, expand beyond my sphere of existence. The crowd goes wild!!! The band starts up and I am twirled from cowboy to cowboy being the most perfect follow ever, trusting in how they thrust and dip me across the floor. Lindsey and I slow dancing to purple rain as I wipe my lipstick from all over her face. We always said we would be the best couple if I wasn't so gay and she wasn't so strait. What are you going to do? Dance it out! That is our motto.

I just keep picturing this moment. How incredible it feels to get to perform for her in her old haunt, surrounded by the people that love her most. 

I actually told myself that if I was feeling well enough from the latest gout attack, I had some green beans and tomatoes, that I would bring my bag! The reality is, it ain't gonna happen. My heart is in the right place, but my knee is just too swollen still.

As I'm laying here, I hear the alternate wheel in my brain saying,' well, you did have a really great day today and by Friday you could be feeling pretty near perfect maybe you should pack your bag and bring it just in case... I mean it would suck if you didn't have it there and the time was perfect.'

And the other wheel,' and you could just be shot dead right there in the bar and what kind of a wedding gift is that to give to Lindsey?! Way to take her day away from her, you really are a selfish little bitch ain't ya?

'

What to do? What to do? I guess I'll just wait until morning and see what Daylight brings to the day!

The space between my ears

In the days leading up to DRAGALUTION, last Friday, I would continually run through the numbers in my mind. I would picture how it was all going to feel, kept my feet from touching the ground for days. Every moment has exceeded every scenario my mind had painted!!!

So many favorite and important moments; I'll list a few:

Melanie, Austin and Lillian making the trip from Eugene to be with us, for the parade especially!

Nicholas making the trip from Portland and bringing the fiercest version of Annya Allnight EVER!!!!

Fuck you Jerry!!! Becky bringing Jerry so to life and dominating the world with her style and grace!!!

David being able to do the show. And dominating her solo debut!!!!

Katie having to sit this one out, last minute.

Spending the day with Pierce setting up the sound system

Having my Cums family gathered and getting to ride the GlamTram down to the show, making a few loops around town, waving, laughing, hugging and dancing.

Stopping at Supper Club to hug Katrina and T!! A ritual of mine.

Getting off at the theater and seeing so many people gathered to get in to the show; almost everyone dressed up!

This show was important form me, my return to the stage after the year break to heal so that I could do this.

Attitude check!

FUCK YOU BITCH!!! Still rings through my ears and soul.

All these moments have been swirling through the space between my ears.

The show.

What?!?! It was the first time I actually felt like I nailed a performance. I didn't disappoint myself. Big accomplishment (wink).the thrill of standing with our backs to you while Sofanda Dykes cooed us with love for sale. Applause. Applause applause!

Hey big spender! That feeling looping in my soul!

This is how the show went for me... Perfection within the flawed fibre of the world, there were issues, but none that would tear me down.

Drag lessons 101 killed me!!! Still laughing! Ginger, you are perfection!!

All the standing ovations! Melt my little heart.

The after party, dancing, hugging, laughing and discussing.

Seeing Cloud come into focus at the snack bar! He may have missed the show, but he made it for the rest of the festivities!! And by festivities, I mean Regatta Parade!!!

This year, DRAGALUTION and the Lower Columbia Q Center joined forces and we all walked together and rode the float, spreading our love and brightness with no apologies. None. All the love there! The families and friends that gathered to walk with us and celebrate love wins! Because it always does.

I keep thinking of the bravery of the young ones, straight, gay, lesbian, transgender, our elders, each of us surrounded in bright colors of love and light!

Letting the bubble machine, dance tunes and flower petals line the streets where we pass!

The incredible beauty of most of us covered in Holi powder from India making us that much brighter.

The people that came by to be covered in our love, our blessings.

The thrill of rolling through town and seeing friends and family along the sides cheering us along and showering us in love!!! Incredible. There are always those moments, and times when I realize how important it is to be present in life, and that really rang true towards the end of the parade, right by the Fort George, when I saw one of my favorite people from childhood and I gave her a shout out and she rolled her eyes and head at me, not uncommon. I asked her why. She yelled back that," it is because of you and your kind that I don't bring my grandchildren to the parade anymore." I just wrapped her in love and light and kept moving. Broke my heart to hear those words.

It also solidified the purpose of being present in life. Doesn't just have to be in large groups, but to be present as an individual human, sharing space with other humans. Take everything away, and we are all the same.

I've included Ann in my meditations, hoping that she will awaken in this life time and understand that love covers more ground than hatred. That understanding always leads the way and that we are all family. All of us.

Her words only gave me more purpose and vitality. I am on the right path.

I was so moved by how glorious we all were floating down the streets of Astoria and

how great it felt for us all to gather and walk with our hearts open and not apologizing for being our incredible selves!!

All these things have been occupying the space between my ears as I come down from the rush of love we all created together this weekend!!! Let us keep our brightness shinning and surround those that oppose us with warm golden light to help melt the shell of fear conditioning has placed there. Love is the way! And I love you all, all the way!!! Thank you for lifting me up and sparkeling so fiercely with me!!

All my love,

Daylight

The road to DRAGALUTION, or watching my past be torn down each step of the way, or how service club saved my life

I walk to work. I walk just about everywhere these days; and honestly, it has been faster than driving this summer. Right?!?! Part of my walk to work involves my playlist. For the last few months, it has been the numbers from the show coming up on the 7th of August at the Columbian Theater!! Other times, I have my walking playlist. I like a nice beat with an undertone push. Something that grounds me and moves me forward.

On work days, I usually stop by Rusty Cup to see Kristy and flirt and talk a little dirty, laugh loudly take my iced chai and swish down the street. It really gets me going.

I am such a Hoover Upright that I'm usually done with my drink by the time I leave her shop or by the time I hit the red garbage can by the Armory.

I practice this thing called, 'movement visualization', I watch myself performing the number while I am walking. It is a great mind body exercise!! Of course, I always hit a beat here and there and always mouth along, overemphasizing my mouth so it will read from a distance. The looks I get some days!! Cracks me up.

Anyway(sssss), I always walk past the football field, the old one, right across from where the fairgrounds used to be, miss those days. As you may have noticed, they are tearing it down. Watching this journey brought back so many memories for me...

It was always so tough and rough at the football games. I loved to go, but it was just too much for sensitive little me. I joined the service club and it changed my life! I had a purpose at the games, I sold hot dogs, popcorn, soda and candy and got to watch the games!! Yay!!  And on brave days, I would journey over, in my blue and gray Skor windbreaker jacket, swish swish swishing all the way up to sit near the band and watch the cheerleaders do their cheers. "Fishermen sailed the seven seas and brought them to their knees." Or something like that! Oh to be a cheerleader! In another life! Or decade (wink). 

Because this queen is ending the show with a cheer dance with pom poms  and all!!! So, here I am walking down the street, lip syncing to 'when love takes over' picturing my little Moonshine singing out and cheering proud and I just can't help myself, I have to finish out the phrase right there on the street. I love my life!!

The other one that is hard not to dance along with is the number I am dancing with Pelvis Pressme. She has choreographed it for us and it is to my jam song that has been looping through my being the last 6-12 months. Was such a joy to add that to my rehearsal walk to work mix! Hells yeah!!!

When I get back on marine drive I always tone it down, just a bit because there is always just so much traffic. But you know, I already get the stares,  so it really ain't no thing to give them a bit more to gawk at. It helps build up my resilience on stage.

I have realized that I have always enjoyed the security of a counter or stage for public interactions. I truly am a shy person and that barrier, the fourth wall if you will, really does lend such a nice shield when needed. I know it was a main draw for me cooking at the Columbian Cafe for all those years; I got to be a part of the party but got to be a bit removed making it easier on my sensitive nature.

DRAGALUTION helps

me tear down that fourth wall further. I have found I don't like having that distance. I like being a part of the whole and our shows do that. They are interactive and all participating!!!

We are so excited to bring you this show on Friday!! It is really so fantastic and stunning!! Not my typical nasty(wink). It still pushes the boundaries but in a more open and loving it way!

As I watch the John Warren Field lose its shape, I welcome the transformation shaking my foundation and pushing my walls to oblivion. I am ready, I am Cumming for you, I am so into this next step, this leap onto the stage and into the air around us all!!

I can not wait to celebrate with you all on Friday!! See you there if not sooner!!

Much love and with an open heart,

Yours,

Daylight

From where I lay

I'm chilling in my bed, I can hear Back to the Future being played at the park above my house... Maybe it is from the paint fumes from being on my knees for my friend Chris all day, maybe it it is from getting to hang with two of my high school favorites today. Or... It could be the excitement building inside of me as we approach the night of DRAGALUTION on August 7, a few days away!!! All I know is I am drifting back in time and remembering the most fabulous evening of my 10 year high school reunion.

The year 1997. I had only been home from my two years in New York for a few months, almost a year really. I wasn't sure I wanted to attend my reunion, I mean, high school wasn't exactly my favorite experience. And... As part of my arrangement for having my tap studio in the basement of the Elks, I had to agreed to assisting in'entertainment' for the members. Well, the officers decided that they wanted to put on a drag show, with the officers as the queens. Ok. This really is happening. Am I having a whip it flash back? Am I really being asked to put on a drag show at the Elks? I'm in!!! hello!!

We had weeks of rehearsals, the wives wanted to get in on the fun too and they had re-written the lyrics for the Jet theme, from Westside Story, to 'when You're an Elk you're an Elk all the way.....' It was awesome and the all wore dark glasses, top hats and white t-shirts. The best part was that they also wanted to do a big group finally to 'we are family'. I was seriously in heaven. My favorite had to have been one of the fellas dressed as Shirley Temple doing 'on the good ship lolly pop' I still giggle inside everytime I run across that photo in my multi-decade photo box!!

On a whim one day at the cafe., I asked my super hot friend to be my date to the event and my reunion. He was/is straight but a total sport and was down for the fun times I had planned. I guess part of me was all, " I'm gonna show all those people I high school that they were right and I was really gay and I had a hot boyfriend so la la la la la..." None of it true. Even in the big apple, surrounded by ALL those gays and being on all the right guest lists, I still never found my true love, my shared heartbeat. I had returned from the city, ruined, depressed and broken. Couldn't show that reality, so I developed my own script and my buddy was willing to be my date and play.

He arrived at my place, those days I lived across from Star of the Sea,  I had my Stella in the window in a prom dress and I had 2 gorgeous vintage suits picked out for us to wear and we both wore platform shoes, some of my club kid gear that made it back with me. He wore my wingtip black ones and I went with the sling backs in suede.  He drove us in his old sexy truck. Got the door for me and everything. 

We stopped by the Elks first to see how the 'girls' were doing, had a few cocktails  and geared up to make an appearance at the reunion...

My date was perfection!!  We pulled up to the Red Lion Inn and he got the door and held my hand all the way in. I was about to shit my pants from nerves, just like every morning while watching 'Good Morning America' and making my Hershey squirt stops before I had to go to school... But his hand in mine calmed my heart and I was ready to play the part! I remember the first few gasps as we walked in with those platform shoes on and holding hands. I remember a few people rushing over, my date kissing me ON THE LIPS and saying he will grab us some drinks. I remember some of the more popular girls crowding around me and asking questions and the more popular girls surrounding my date and asking him questions. 

When he returned with our drinks; as he is kissing me on the neck, he lingers around my ear and whispers that he told them he met me when we were living in New York, fell in love with me and had to follow me home. My heart is screaming ,' why can't this be real!!!!' We stay for a few dances and make a grand exit telling the tale of the drag show at the Elks.

I floated on the drive to the show. I survived my reunion. Yeah, I had to role play it up, but I did it to own the strength of what I wanted them to see, not the person I really was at that point in time. Oddly, I felt great.

Shit hit the fan when we go to the Elks. The person doing the Madonna number wasn't going to go on. Got too nervous and embarrassed. Suddenly, I am being told that I have to go on and do a number. Me? You have got to be kidding... I haven't rehearsed anything. I have no costume. I'm drunk.

These were not good enough excuses. We were at the Elks. Hello!! Before I know it, one of the gals is slinging me her pantyhose rice tits, I'm running to the basement to strip my Mona out of her white princess Diana from Paradise Island dress and wig and I grab my Madonna CD and get ready to take the stage after Mama Cass.

My date escorts me out to the center spot as the music begins and twirls me out, pulls me in and dips me with a kiss. And away I went. I sold myself to the over 70 crowd sitting there with their meatballs on their little plates, sipping their whiskey and laughing with joy! I can do this, it's just like dancing in the club, only I don't get to be groped. Nailed it. Sat down with my date and watched Dolly tell us how she will always love us, I stir my vodka cranberry and take in the marvel of this night. My true homecoming. It felt like my big coming out to my peers. I was feeling good. Aittle too good if you know what I mean... Why do I always fall for the straight ones!!! Why do they/he have to tease. I ask to go.

When we pull up he says he is going to come up so he could leave the suit with me. Didn't want to ruin in. We walk in.. "Hey Stella!" What a night. We are at my bedroom door. I have 4 alder branches that reach from floor to ceiling at each corner of the bed with old chiffon curtains I got at the rummage sale hung down each side, fastened back with gold ropes and little birds suspended in the corners. Such a queen, I know. Standing there, feeling bucktoothed and goofy; he asks me to help him with the cuff links, yes. Then the jacket and vest... He asked if he could help me with mine and as he was taking my jacket off, he told me that he had had the best night and he was so grateful  finally be able to live out the crush he had always had on me. And with that, he kissed me on the lips and turned and walked out of my home. Stella, did you catch all that? I stand at the window with her as I watch him climb into his beater truck, his thick dark hair with flecks of silver tossing back as he glances up and locks eyes with me and he blows me a kiss as exhaust fills the air and he drives away in the cloud of smoke. My hand grabs Stella and I look at her perfect face and think about what outfit I will put on her tomorrow.. It is Sunday after all, my favorite day to change her and she was ready for a transformation!!

I remember hitting my pillow and running through all the moments of the night and what a night it was!!  I find myself doing that now, as I finish this story with you. What a life!!

I am so excited to take the stage with my family and perform for you all on the 7th of August!! I am so excited about the fun we create in this town and how we just keep going places and opening up more and more for one another. I love that about us, that we are willing to share and explore and transform and grow and support and learn to understand. I am proud to be part of this community!

Your deeply and forever,

Daylight Cums

Back from our palace at the Oregon Country Fair; also known as 'a return to the heart' or ' damn it feels amazing to be in my bed'

Hey there my loves! I just slid my exhausted body into my bed after a very long drive home from the country Fair! I always put clean sheets on my bed before I go out of town, so that I get to slide into something fresh when I return, it's just like always being sure to wear clean panties when going out, don't want to end in a wreck and have someone have to cut off my 'old' panties.

Anyway(ssss), fair is one of those things I look forward to every year. The freedom that surrounds that magical place is one of the ways I have found in my life that I can be my whole self and not even think of needing to feel guilty for being full of my spirit and letting it shine as it will. I was really excited for this year because I was bringing some of my family with me to work in the new booth! There were 9 of us, we made up half of our booths work force and we ruled out gorgeous palace perfectly. I kid you not, Dave, my friend who owns the booth, created an incredible palace for us to work and live at for the 5 days we were there!

I learn so much about myself while at fair. I recognize the fact that I can be a bitch, that if I just look up without focusing on the journey to eye contact that I can look like an evil queen and I learn to soften my resolve and breathe through things instead of responding with my 'snappish 'ways.

Case in point: our gorgeous new booth is in a new loop with many new venders and new camping places to live in. Most booths have their areas assigned to them for staff camping. We had a large crew and so we were in two locations. The one not behind our kitchen, housed 6 of us and was in an awkward location; well, it was awkward for some. There was a logical and clear path to where we were camping but one of the booth owners was really concerned with staking out his area so that it will always be his. It works like that. Anyway(ssss), Safi and Karen were so good at going to get the camp counselor to aid in this situation and try to find resolve. They were so good. Sari really is the most smooth and clear headed person I know. Her voice alone can diffuse a bomb.  She has talked me out of countless explosions, oh those glorious rage issues. The best part is, those spots were only guaranteed for this year and he has no guarantee of security in years to come. I might add, he was part of the ambiance entertainment crew; can't imagine him creating anything too soothing with how he treated us through all of the extremely calm, thoughtful and resolution based negotiations we had for TWO fucking days. We moved our camp. I was there to be with my fair family, not to be wedged into a corner, unable to move freely from my home out into the world. Nobody puts baby in the corner!!

Smudge break.

Honestly, it taught me so much. It made me realize how much I can not bare being trapped, unheard, invisible and disrespected. To the best of my abilities, I really do try to be a kind and loving human; really I do.

Those first two days were rough. We were stepping into a whole new world with this booth and walking up to it my breath was taken away with how big and beautiful it was.... And how much work we had left to do! And you know, it just happens. Keep plugging along and the work gets done and the party goes on the whole te. It was really incredible watching the dance pavilion being constructed at the same time.

Where I stood to make crepes. , I had a direct line with the stage and all of the performers and people there to dance and learn to dance. It was so beautiful, I just know I cried into a few crepes. The , to see my friends in the dance community up there performing! Heaven. I was blessed enough to be asked by my friend, N8, from Work Dance Company out of Eugene, to announce them when they were in the showcase! Yes! Hello!!

I think one of my favorite moments this year was getting to walk through the fair at night with Sari, David, Jared, Zach, Jessamyn, Andrea, Jordan, Sofie and Aidan and take them to my favorite spots. To show them the path through the darkness and arrive at the most incredible places!! Our first stop, and this is a tradition for me, was ravioli at Rising Moon. It is like dining at an Italian restaurant in the forest; also known as perfection. Them, we wandered to the Ritz to listen to music and see the lights in the trees; visit with friends. We stopped at Altered Space and breathed in together. We all laid in a field and gazed at the vastness of the skies after having just stood within the universe in energy park. Blew my heart and mind wide open.

One of my favorite things to do is to just wander in the dark alone and sense my way through this maze of life. I just love it! I love seeing people dressed how they wish, some with not much on; others with the most elaborate and thought out pieces of art. Life is art!! It is s means for us to find self expression and freedom from our fears.

Shedding those layers we carry around; often not even aware of the fact we have just been dragging what ever it may be that is holding us back or down around with us for how ever long that may be. The trick: once we recognize the pattern, we can step beyond it. It's being strong enough to see the pattern and being willing to break that chain and step beyond...(I just had 'chains of love' by Eurasure pop into my head).

I love all the laughter and music that vibrates through the fair. I love getting to openly make eye contact with people, strangers, someone with a magic that pulls you in. I love getting to work hard and bring love to those I meet along the way.

This fair was just so incredible for me!!! I ran into so many friends I haven't seen in years. I got to speak my heart and hear other hearts speak. I was blessed enough to witness my friends be swept up into the arms of Mother Nature and be soothed and cleared. I was able to shed some of my hurt and come home more vulnerable and open and ready for what fun and life changing situations shall present along my way. What I always step away from fair with is to challenge myself to keep that opening as I step back into the world that is slowly tuning itself out. I strive to stay open, to make eye contact, to hug morr, listen more, talk less and dance more.