From where I lay

I'm chilling in my bed, I can hear Back to the Future being played at the park above my house... Maybe it is from the paint fumes from being on my knees for my friend Chris all day, maybe it it is from getting to hang with two of my high school favorites today. Or... It could be the excitement building inside of me as we approach the night of DRAGALUTION on August 7, a few days away!!! All I know is I am drifting back in time and remembering the most fabulous evening of my 10 year high school reunion.

The year 1997. I had only been home from my two years in New York for a few months, almost a year really. I wasn't sure I wanted to attend my reunion, I mean, high school wasn't exactly my favorite experience. And... As part of my arrangement for having my tap studio in the basement of the Elks, I had to agreed to assisting in'entertainment' for the members. Well, the officers decided that they wanted to put on a drag show, with the officers as the queens. Ok. This really is happening. Am I having a whip it flash back? Am I really being asked to put on a drag show at the Elks? I'm in!!! hello!!

We had weeks of rehearsals, the wives wanted to get in on the fun too and they had re-written the lyrics for the Jet theme, from Westside Story, to 'when You're an Elk you're an Elk all the way.....' It was awesome and the all wore dark glasses, top hats and white t-shirts. The best part was that they also wanted to do a big group finally to 'we are family'. I was seriously in heaven. My favorite had to have been one of the fellas dressed as Shirley Temple doing 'on the good ship lolly pop' I still giggle inside everytime I run across that photo in my multi-decade photo box!!

On a whim one day at the cafe., I asked my super hot friend to be my date to the event and my reunion. He was/is straight but a total sport and was down for the fun times I had planned. I guess part of me was all, " I'm gonna show all those people I high school that they were right and I was really gay and I had a hot boyfriend so la la la la la..." None of it true. Even in the big apple, surrounded by ALL those gays and being on all the right guest lists, I still never found my true love, my shared heartbeat. I had returned from the city, ruined, depressed and broken. Couldn't show that reality, so I developed my own script and my buddy was willing to be my date and play.

He arrived at my place, those days I lived across from Star of the Sea,  I had my Stella in the window in a prom dress and I had 2 gorgeous vintage suits picked out for us to wear and we both wore platform shoes, some of my club kid gear that made it back with me. He wore my wingtip black ones and I went with the sling backs in suede.  He drove us in his old sexy truck. Got the door for me and everything. 

We stopped by the Elks first to see how the 'girls' were doing, had a few cocktails  and geared up to make an appearance at the reunion...

My date was perfection!!  We pulled up to the Red Lion Inn and he got the door and held my hand all the way in. I was about to shit my pants from nerves, just like every morning while watching 'Good Morning America' and making my Hershey squirt stops before I had to go to school... But his hand in mine calmed my heart and I was ready to play the part! I remember the first few gasps as we walked in with those platform shoes on and holding hands. I remember a few people rushing over, my date kissing me ON THE LIPS and saying he will grab us some drinks. I remember some of the more popular girls crowding around me and asking questions and the more popular girls surrounding my date and asking him questions. 

When he returned with our drinks; as he is kissing me on the neck, he lingers around my ear and whispers that he told them he met me when we were living in New York, fell in love with me and had to follow me home. My heart is screaming ,' why can't this be real!!!!' We stay for a few dances and make a grand exit telling the tale of the drag show at the Elks.

I floated on the drive to the show. I survived my reunion. Yeah, I had to role play it up, but I did it to own the strength of what I wanted them to see, not the person I really was at that point in time. Oddly, I felt great.

Shit hit the fan when we go to the Elks. The person doing the Madonna number wasn't going to go on. Got too nervous and embarrassed. Suddenly, I am being told that I have to go on and do a number. Me? You have got to be kidding... I haven't rehearsed anything. I have no costume. I'm drunk.

These were not good enough excuses. We were at the Elks. Hello!! Before I know it, one of the gals is slinging me her pantyhose rice tits, I'm running to the basement to strip my Mona out of her white princess Diana from Paradise Island dress and wig and I grab my Madonna CD and get ready to take the stage after Mama Cass.

My date escorts me out to the center spot as the music begins and twirls me out, pulls me in and dips me with a kiss. And away I went. I sold myself to the over 70 crowd sitting there with their meatballs on their little plates, sipping their whiskey and laughing with joy! I can do this, it's just like dancing in the club, only I don't get to be groped. Nailed it. Sat down with my date and watched Dolly tell us how she will always love us, I stir my vodka cranberry and take in the marvel of this night. My true homecoming. It felt like my big coming out to my peers. I was feeling good. Aittle too good if you know what I mean... Why do I always fall for the straight ones!!! Why do they/he have to tease. I ask to go.

When we pull up he says he is going to come up so he could leave the suit with me. Didn't want to ruin in. We walk in.. "Hey Stella!" What a night. We are at my bedroom door. I have 4 alder branches that reach from floor to ceiling at each corner of the bed with old chiffon curtains I got at the rummage sale hung down each side, fastened back with gold ropes and little birds suspended in the corners. Such a queen, I know. Standing there, feeling bucktoothed and goofy; he asks me to help him with the cuff links, yes. Then the jacket and vest... He asked if he could help me with mine and as he was taking my jacket off, he told me that he had had the best night and he was so grateful  finally be able to live out the crush he had always had on me. And with that, he kissed me on the lips and turned and walked out of my home. Stella, did you catch all that? I stand at the window with her as I watch him climb into his beater truck, his thick dark hair with flecks of silver tossing back as he glances up and locks eyes with me and he blows me a kiss as exhaust fills the air and he drives away in the cloud of smoke. My hand grabs Stella and I look at her perfect face and think about what outfit I will put on her tomorrow.. It is Sunday after all, my favorite day to change her and she was ready for a transformation!!

I remember hitting my pillow and running through all the moments of the night and what a night it was!!  I find myself doing that now, as I finish this story with you. What a life!!

I am so excited to take the stage with my family and perform for you all on the 7th of August!! I am so excited about the fun we create in this town and how we just keep going places and opening up more and more for one another. I love that about us, that we are willing to share and explore and transform and grow and support and learn to understand. I am proud to be part of this community!

Your deeply and forever,

Daylight Cums

Back from our palace at the Oregon Country Fair; also known as 'a return to the heart' or ' damn it feels amazing to be in my bed'

Hey there my loves! I just slid my exhausted body into my bed after a very long drive home from the country Fair! I always put clean sheets on my bed before I go out of town, so that I get to slide into something fresh when I return, it's just like always being sure to wear clean panties when going out, don't want to end in a wreck and have someone have to cut off my 'old' panties.

Anyway(ssss), fair is one of those things I look forward to every year. The freedom that surrounds that magical place is one of the ways I have found in my life that I can be my whole self and not even think of needing to feel guilty for being full of my spirit and letting it shine as it will. I was really excited for this year because I was bringing some of my family with me to work in the new booth! There were 9 of us, we made up half of our booths work force and we ruled out gorgeous palace perfectly. I kid you not, Dave, my friend who owns the booth, created an incredible palace for us to work and live at for the 5 days we were there!

I learn so much about myself while at fair. I recognize the fact that I can be a bitch, that if I just look up without focusing on the journey to eye contact that I can look like an evil queen and I learn to soften my resolve and breathe through things instead of responding with my 'snappish 'ways.

Case in point: our gorgeous new booth is in a new loop with many new venders and new camping places to live in. Most booths have their areas assigned to them for staff camping. We had a large crew and so we were in two locations. The one not behind our kitchen, housed 6 of us and was in an awkward location; well, it was awkward for some. There was a logical and clear path to where we were camping but one of the booth owners was really concerned with staking out his area so that it will always be his. It works like that. Anyway(ssss), Safi and Karen were so good at going to get the camp counselor to aid in this situation and try to find resolve. They were so good. Sari really is the most smooth and clear headed person I know. Her voice alone can diffuse a bomb.  She has talked me out of countless explosions, oh those glorious rage issues. The best part is, those spots were only guaranteed for this year and he has no guarantee of security in years to come. I might add, he was part of the ambiance entertainment crew; can't imagine him creating anything too soothing with how he treated us through all of the extremely calm, thoughtful and resolution based negotiations we had for TWO fucking days. We moved our camp. I was there to be with my fair family, not to be wedged into a corner, unable to move freely from my home out into the world. Nobody puts baby in the corner!!

Smudge break.

Honestly, it taught me so much. It made me realize how much I can not bare being trapped, unheard, invisible and disrespected. To the best of my abilities, I really do try to be a kind and loving human; really I do.

Those first two days were rough. We were stepping into a whole new world with this booth and walking up to it my breath was taken away with how big and beautiful it was.... And how much work we had left to do! And you know, it just happens. Keep plugging along and the work gets done and the party goes on the whole te. It was really incredible watching the dance pavilion being constructed at the same time.

Where I stood to make crepes. , I had a direct line with the stage and all of the performers and people there to dance and learn to dance. It was so beautiful, I just know I cried into a few crepes. The , to see my friends in the dance community up there performing! Heaven. I was blessed enough to be asked by my friend, N8, from Work Dance Company out of Eugene, to announce them when they were in the showcase! Yes! Hello!!

I think one of my favorite moments this year was getting to walk through the fair at night with Sari, David, Jared, Zach, Jessamyn, Andrea, Jordan, Sofie and Aidan and take them to my favorite spots. To show them the path through the darkness and arrive at the most incredible places!! Our first stop, and this is a tradition for me, was ravioli at Rising Moon. It is like dining at an Italian restaurant in the forest; also known as perfection. Them, we wandered to the Ritz to listen to music and see the lights in the trees; visit with friends. We stopped at Altered Space and breathed in together. We all laid in a field and gazed at the vastness of the skies after having just stood within the universe in energy park. Blew my heart and mind wide open.

One of my favorite things to do is to just wander in the dark alone and sense my way through this maze of life. I just love it! I love seeing people dressed how they wish, some with not much on; others with the most elaborate and thought out pieces of art. Life is art!! It is s means for us to find self expression and freedom from our fears.

Shedding those layers we carry around; often not even aware of the fact we have just been dragging what ever it may be that is holding us back or down around with us for how ever long that may be. The trick: once we recognize the pattern, we can step beyond it. It's being strong enough to see the pattern and being willing to break that chain and step beyond...(I just had 'chains of love' by Eurasure pop into my head).

I love all the laughter and music that vibrates through the fair. I love getting to openly make eye contact with people, strangers, someone with a magic that pulls you in. I love getting to work hard and bring love to those I meet along the way.

This fair was just so incredible for me!!! I ran into so many friends I haven't seen in years. I got to speak my heart and hear other hearts speak. I was blessed enough to witness my friends be swept up into the arms of Mother Nature and be soothed and cleared. I was able to shed some of my hurt and come home more vulnerable and open and ready for what fun and life changing situations shall present along my way. What I always step away from fair with is to challenge myself to keep that opening as I step back into the world that is slowly tuning itself out. I strive to stay open, to make eye contact, to hug morr, listen more, talk less and dance more.

Rage issues...or...chub rub davis and the revelation of being a childhood bully...or... How I let the stage transform my rage

I have spent many many years and countless hours in therapy and trust building situations to bring myself to a deeper understanding of why I do or think as I do. I recognize I have hurt people along my path just as I have been wounded along mine. And to any person I have ever hurt, I am sorry.

Yesterday, the 4th of July, I was at a family gathering picnic at the lake. It was the first time our three families had been together like this in years, and by years I mean decades. I was excited and nervous. Will I remember names? Can I borrow a car so I can leave when I feel ready? God, the last time I was at the lake with all these people, I was in my t-shirt as a bathing top phase of my teens. Could hold a good half a cup of liquid in my belly button. Am I going to be able to control my tongue and not cuss as I like? I mean, I really don't mind, but then I do. I respect these ladies and gents that all raised us. And for them, I like to keep my speech when I am around them. My old fashioned nature. However, I did not edit myself. I went as my big gay self. My favorite part was when I went to swim with my niece. I'm standing around the table with my mom, a bunch of my childhood friends and my niece and I remove my shirt and my friend says," better remove that fancy belt buckle too."

As I continued to remove my shorts, I replied,"oh, I wore my bathing suit." (With a wink). And I let the shorts drop and he replied," where is the rest of it?" And I said," in Europe." And walked smoothly to the lake and swam with my niece.

I was in heaven!!! The water was so warm and I was surrounded by beauty and the sound of laughter in the air.

Making it to shore, I splashed the three girls sitting on the dock. And one of the fellas yells," and that is why I stay clear of Mark in the water, he is a bully." Laughter. Me???? A bully??? I prefer prankster and rebel rouser. Playful even. As I was laying in the sun drying off, I kept running through the reels in my mind. Memory search: me as a bully... Files uploaded and uploaded. My system was overloading. Wow!! I guess I was a bully. But I felt like I was fighting for my place. I mean what kind of a person asks their school mates to help hold down a girls so I could steal a kiss? A bully. I mean, I secretly did I because I wanted her raspberry lipgloss on my lips. I was going crazy thinking about it and I did the only thing I could think of to do since she wouldn't let me try it.. I stole a kiss. My bad.

Or what about the time I gave the girl a tittle twister in the microfilm room my senior year because she knees me in the nuts? It was a reaction, but bully all the same. So sorry.

Over the years, I have trained myself to not react so fully in situations. I keep myself on a short leash. Hard to believe, I know but it is true. I have taught myself to be a proper human being. I hold doors for people. I, to the best of my abilities, respect my elders. I survey a situation and find the smoothest and best way through it. In my mind, I believe others have done the same; and when it appears they havent, my skin starts to boil. And it is over the most stupid stuff. For example, I do not understand how anyone can think it is ok and acceptable to bring outside food or beverage into another dining establishment.. It is just impolite, tacky and rude. It bothers me that people don't check to see if anyone is behind them when going through a doorway. I am always stunned when I watch a family sitting out sharing a meal and each person is on their own phone totally checked out. When did we stop caring for one another? 

See.. The rage. How many of us have thrown something when it isn't working right? How many of us tell off other drivers because they are driving like idiots?

The stage and performing has really provided me with skills to examine and understand my human condition and how I move through it. Choreography especially. I love putting my tap shoes on and just dancing it out . Finding a pattern within the frustrated rhythm coming from my shoes and letting the language unravel with every time step I hoof out. Oftentimes, when I am at my most frustrated, I will have a movement phrase that will repeat in my body and I move it until I get beyond it. I let gravity and momentum drive me through space and time as I unleash my rage and find the dance. The beauty within. We are lucky, we have the ability to see one another and recognize the similarities between us. That is why stories, movement, an image can affect us so profoundly. We feel. But we live in an age where we are tuning out and forgetting how to listen, how to see...

I was at a meeting the other day and we were talking about the float for the Regatta parade, and it came up that some people didn't want to walk with us because there will be drag queens involved and they just are not comfortable with that. I felt my tiger want to roar and lash out. I heard all of the snap backs I could rattle off. Instead, I took a breath and calmly replied,"that as a community, and in the context of this meeting by community I mean the LGBTQ community, now, more than ever we should be standing together and supporting the vast diversity within our population. Thank God! We are a family and we need to learn to work together, especially in this small town. I am usually one of the only ones that dresses in drag for the parade, and I'm sorry I can not make myself small to make you feel more comfortable. I will treat you with kindness and greet you with an open heart, but I will not make it small." Sorry.

Then

, last night, I was having a conversation with a new friend and he was curious about the drag queen thing because he has always had a more narrow opinion about them and was totally turned around after our conversation and thanked me for helping him understand it more. See, he had a question, he asked it, we talked about it and we parted both feeling more full and satisfied with human interaction.

Then, I got to end my day with my lovely mom, my little brother and his girlfriend/my friend/tap student and played bocce ball as we waited to watch the fireworks. I had other friends arrive and we all sat in the beauty of the moment, each of us with our own set of life issues, rage and understanding and as a family of life we took in the show and marveled at the beauty of the world around us as freedom rang through the night sky.