Never too old to learn...

I was 28 when I learned that you had to use both eyes when looking through a view master, or binoculars.. I know. I. Know. But I'm just a bit stupid most of the time...

I learned this lesson one evening while at some friends house looking at their 3d photos from a recent trip. I'm sitting around a table with A LOT of super smart people; so their reaction to my statement,'well, time to switch eyes, my left one is tired.' The room went silent before they gasped. Followed by,' you are joking right?' No. I wasn't joking. I've always looked through with just one eye because it makes my eyes ache when I try to use both. Yes, once again, my 'silliness' becomes the laugh track for the evening, which happened to stretch into months. Good thing I can take a joke.

At this time, I was working at Star of the Sea and on my lunch break I would go into the preschool room and look at all of the old Disney view masters I just never 'got' as a child. My mind was blown. I was finally seeing these things in 3d and finally understood what all the fuss was about as a child.

I try to do that when I am just out and about, looking at the 3D quality of the world we live in. I am always amazed when I can be looking at something and then I all of a sudden can see it more vastly. Seeing the depth of the tree line around this gorgeous town, looking at my friends and family as the complete beings they are rather than the stored idea of what my mind registers them as. Recognizing my back space as equally as my front space. For most of my life I have not really paid much attention to how the back half of me moves through this world. I was too wrapped up on the front half and trying to keep most of it covered up out of childhood silliness and fear. 

It is one of the things I work on a lot along my path of self awareness and discovery. I call it 'my unfolding' of the layers of guilt and shame, mostly from always wanting to keep myself covered across the belly and crotch. I have developed this spiral, diagonal hold from protecting everyone from my 'masculinity ', gayness and gut. It has always been the classic cross the leg and cross the arm and hunch to keep it under wrap thing.

Seriously, what was I thinking.

This year, I have started to see myself, and more importantly, feel myself within the space I occupy. One morning, while breaking my rule of not using a mirror, I stood and witnessed myself and I saw the physical strain my body has been under from all these years of straining to keep it together. So now the work begins. Now, I cut through that restraint and work on freeing my body, mind and soul from all those years of conditioning. But hey, now I get to go through my collection of 3D images I have logged away and really examine them and see what is really there in the depths. I'm sure it won't be as incredible and fun as looking at those Disney images, clicking my way to a happy ending; but it is me I'm talking about so I am sure it will be colorful regardless of the issue I'm observing.

That Sweet Pride Glow

I was so excited for pride this year! It was the first year I was going to get to share it with someone special and I simply vibrated with excitement. Then he broke up with me. 

Now, I had been preparing for this from the get go. I admit I'm a lot to handle, and I'm not talking about in my pants, that is all nut (wink). I am, also, not an experienced dater and I was swimming in fresh new waters with this one, so I was prepared. At the same time, I lived it so fully because it was all so new to me and being looked and and touched by someone that was really into me was a sensation foreign to this queen. 

So, when he told me that we were through I was able to accept his words with grace and step forward feeling fine.

Of course, my heart was sad. Yes, I cried. But I was,also, so thankful to have had the time that we had together. Funny thing, I had just written a letter to a friend and had talked about him...a lot; and, as I was peeing I thought that if we made it to August it would be the longest I'd ever dated anyone, 6 months. The phone rang.

I know right! My mantra upon hanging up was, "keep your heart open and continue stepping out and up and full of life." He unlocked a part of myself that hadn't been free since I was a child, I wasn't about to allow myself to shut it down or be heartsick about it. I was going to continue this glorious new aspect to my being and take it even further as I soar on!!

My friend, Nicholas, came down for the week (it had been planned long before the breakup, he didn't come to comfort me;)) for our Big Gay Skate Night at the Astoria Armory, our Astoria Pride, and to be in the commercial we were doing for Painted Lady Gin for North Coast Distilling. Yes, Daylight Cums is the spokes queen for the fabulous gin!!! It really is my favorite!!

For myself, roller skating is my soul dance! I feel myself in the sky as I glide across the surface of the world on my skates! This event was special too because I am hoping to have them once a month!! So, I had to be beautiful for the party!! I spent the day cooking food for the potluck and laying in the sun and dancing to happy beats!

Then, I put my face on and Nicholas and I headed out to art walk downtown.

I had THE time of my life!!!! Getting to stroll downtown and visit with my friends and family and take in art, hugs and laughter; my heart was bursting. I felt so alive to be out in the warmth of the sun and take in all the love being given to me. It really was just the best! 

Could have been my favorite moment, but then I got to the Armory and saw my niece!! She said, " I have never gotten to see you like this; and I love it a lot!" And then she hugged me and gazed at me with so much love I thought I might burst.

And the Shanghai Roller Dolls stopping to cheer me on!!!  Full I tell you.

The party was such a great hit! They are going to let us do it once a month!!!! Yay yay yay! I got to skate with my girl, Ronda, who I used to drive up to Portland with to go dancing back when we were younger. We just circled the room, holding hands, talking, laughing. Seeing so many friends taking to the floor, some for their first time, others for the first time in years; the joy was so abundant. We were skating and having fun and letting our spirits lift and giggle. Then, my niece takes my hand and we skate   and talk and laugh. I am telling you, I was vibrating with love! 

Nicholas in his wig and hot hot hot shorts!!! The best pride ever!!

Next morning, Sunday Market! Yes, go grab some goods for the episode filming on Wednesday. Wandered through, visiting with friends, hugging, laughing, hanging with family. So perfect!

I am so lucky. 

The episode was the conclusion to my pride celebration. I have missed doing these episodes so much. It has been a year and a half. Finally, I'm back in the studio/my kitchen. I spent the morning prepping all the yummy food and getting the deck set up for the party. I worked on my tan as I was roasting the veggies. Really the best tanning tool, 15 minute flips.

I got all dolled up. I wore the same outfit from the skate night because it made me feel so good. Camera crew arrived and we got to it.

Teri Yukki and Ginger Vitus showed up. Nicholas had to leave early.  Got all the filming done, I'll spare you the description since you will be able to see it shortly!!

And my brother showed up on his Harley so I could get a shot on the back holding a cross bow, a girl has her dreams.

And we sat and ate and drank Painted Lady gin and tonics and I just knew that this is the most magical place. I am so blessed to get to be surrounded by such compassion and beauty and laughter and life. I love my abundant family and all the gifts and lessons we bring to life in one another! 

Yours Always,

Daylight

Conversations with Sari #693,432

My best friend, Sari, and I were talking about coming out as a gay male, me, not her (wink). She said she had been trying to explain it to her sister, who believes that it is a choice to be gay, that it is not. Well, she wanted some help on how to explain something we shouldn't even have to explain.

At that moment I saw it, the answer unraveled itself from the chambers of guilt, pride and religion and revealed itself to me... My mouth opened and I said," Sari, I've got to remember what I'm about to say because all of life just made complete sense to me..."

"We are born pure of spirit, flesh and impression. We come into this world and spend the first part of it on our backs facing up, hearts completely open and allowing all to see and marvel at us. We sparkle and shine and coo and giggle because we are free.

Then it begins, just like the hands that hold us at the beginning, restrictions to our being are ingrained into the fascia of our physical being.

"He will be a perfect angle."

"He will grow up big and strong."

"He has a future."

"Don't do that Mark."

"Stop it! That's for girls."

"You are going to hell if you keep taking like that young man."

The litany of should's and shouldnt's begin being stamped upon our souls. It's not just the negative, but also the pressure to grow up and be good, to shine in God's presence, to achieve good grades, to be popular, skinny. Straight.

It all adds up.

At just a young age we are given these ideals to live by and we place them on our soul and sleeves  and after time it covers us. We become encased, it breathes with our skin and moves as we move and it is always holding us back or in check.

Until one day, something happens and you grow beyond the garment of shame or straightness, should's and shouldnt's and you feel the 'skin' shift and light seeps in... Now here is where it gets interesting...

Some of us will continue to pull it up and over to protect. A lifetime of pulling and protecting and nothing happens. You make it to the end, no mistakes, Ta-Dah. You missed the point, you didn't live because you knew you held back, out of whatever it was that held you back in life.

Then, there are those that feel that freedom, hear the cry of freedom and against everything that has been taught, choose to stand complete, free to be oneself, a return to infancy. That is how it felt to me to come out.

I got so sick of carrying around everyone's expectations of me, my own expectations and I said enough and let go.

You know what happened?

I finally found breath. I found my voice, my heartbeat and I knew I could never return. It is only that first word that is really shaky; and if you feel tears and a vibration deep inside, you are on your truth! It really isn't a gay thing; and I guess it is a choice. We all have to choose. Do I want to live as I was born? Free of everything. Or do I want to live as everyone teaches one should be and ignore the beat of my own heart, the beat my mother gave me, that her mother gave her and so on and so on until you get to the true beginning of the first heart beat being handed out with the breath of life.

I choose my reality. My truth. My heartbeat. And, Sari, I have known my entire life that I was gay,

that I was something other than what was normal. It takes strength, courage and a willingness to loose all support to speak ones truth. Mine just happened to be that I was gay. Does that make sense?"

And it does. To me, anyway, it does.

We are all born as we are, each unique in ones own way. If we are mindful, if our meditation takes us deep enough, we are shown our truth, our full potential. I have always chosen the more challenging road, I learn so much. I have learned to touch with feeling not impression. I savor the moments I get with other open hearts. I am always here for you, no matter what. You need a hug, I will hold you and listen to you in pure light without judgement. And, that's just how I was born. (Big smile).