And the quest begins

They say the journey begins with a single step. Being the Warrior Queen, I find it fitting that my quest began with a single step into my new bikini... I just about dropped the phone when I saw what has happened to my body since it hasn't been able to be used for the last few months. My mind went instantly to the old me and my HORROR of the softening of my 74,000 dollar body (my student loan total from my MFA in Dance, and massage school with that fun little thing called interest)!!!! I was ready to grab my running shoes, my tap shoes, the jump rope, my HEELS; anything to help lift my ass back up and remove the cottage cheese dripping from the seam of my bikini down my legs. 

Then I remembered, I'm not that person anymore. At least I don't want to be. It actually hit me after I sent out a few texts to some friends attaching the HORRO PHOTO

and the question if I was too gay fat? Some days it really amazes me at how quickly all the oxygen can leave my brain and I type, think and say the most stupid things. Honestly, who does this bitch think she is?? Palease!!!!

It was at that moment I remembered I have altered my perspective on the situation I call and view as my life. It was then I recalled my own pep talk about loving myself and where I am at on my journey and to be more forgiving to myself. I have been known to be quite the drill seargent (wish I could wink bit it is the truth) ( soft knowing smile).

At this point in my discovery, I came to understand that it was time for me to depart on my quest and put understanding, growth and change in my bags and head out to discover the truth and honesty of this Warrior Queen.

I stood in the warmth of this knowledge as my body absorbed it, filling my senses to a state of overflowing beauty. The sun was falling across my body and I stood and looked and observed without judgement; I understood the reality of the battle I had just survived and saw not a diminished body, but one ready for this quest. The time for healing was transitioning to a time of strengthening and movement and the road ahead looking more comfortable than I had been picturing.

My journey began, I was moving; not pushing but being present in the moment of the spirals in my body. Sensing where it is I am in space and time. I noticed how I favored my weight to the right and I hesitated giving my left my full weight and motion. 

I stopped and felt the wind on my body as I drew the sweet air into my lungs, taking care to feel my feet upon the earth. My breath helping my feet to reach out and feel the support of the ground beneath me. The currents began running through me. Range of motion returning to me left side.

As I journeyed on, stepping through the forest, I felt how weak my legs were, stepping over logs was a struggle, the control not so good. I stopped at the edge of a beautiful field, the sun to my back and found it to be a most glorious spot to stop for a rest. I stretched out upon the warm grass and moss and began breathing deeply, feeling my body merge with the earth, completely supported and comforted. The sun felt so incredible on my body.

My meditation took me deep. I felt the connection to my animal spirit. Hawk was circling above protecting me. Next thing I knew, as I was exhaling deeply into the ground and sky, I felt the ripple of Hawk within me. First settling in at my scapula and spanning out down my arms and out my finger tips. I felt the motion of flight within me and it was incredible!!!!! 

I tried not to hold on to the moment, I wanted to be the moment. My wings spread wide again as I soared across the field and took to branch looking down at the human figure below me. The light eminating from it golden and bright. The body rippling the space around it as it became soil, grass, moss, tree, worm, air, hawk. 

This quest will, clearly, transform in ways I had never thought possible. And who am I to judge? I will continue with this openness and Hawk about me. This journey will change me and I am so ready and open to whatever I cross paths with along my way.

What I do know is this: I walk in the light, I breathe in the light, I am the light and wherever I may go I will always know where I am at because I am....the Warrior Queen.

I'm having my Gloria Estefan moment: I'm coming out of the dark

I am grateful. Yes, I believe that is how I want to begin this. I have been at such a loss. Words have not been able to come to my assistance as I am accustomed. I have been in a battle over pain and all my faculties have been on high alert to keep me breathing and patient. As a Warrior Goddess, I have TOTALLY been on a patience quest. It is a virtue, after all, and I am virtuous....most of the time (wink).

My whole life, I encounter a difficult situation, I grit my teeth and make my way through; like carving a path through blackberry cluster fucks. I just keep swatting away, stomping on branches, pulling out thorns, scraping my body and silently giggling at how exciting it feels to be thrashing through the mess to get to the other side and see what is there.  Each time I go to make a new trail, I take the little bits of wisdom I discovered from previous power blazing adventures

and fine tune my tactics so as to be more efficient with my path and my journey.

The blackberry brambles of my life are food and the wonderful ways it can bring me to my knees. I have always searched out the comfort of food. As a young child, it was toasted gram crackers with peanut butter, frosted flakes with heavy cream (instead of milk), a few sleves of Oreo cookies and ritz crackers with butter and thick slices of cheddar cheese.... For my after school snack. 

I know I've shared with you my cravings for candy and that battle. Then we have my terrible romance with diet teas and supplements to shit it all away.

My love for rich food, great wine and cocktails just adds to the system I have depleted and starved to create a creature I could be happy with and what do I get??? Fucking gout. Serious as a heart attack.

One of my problems in life is that as soon as I make it through a situation, in which, I've had to struggle... A few good days and I am back at it. I push myself through and make it to the end standing on my two feet, I may not be able to feel them, but I am on them. As a performer, you just learn to do what you've got to do or someone else will do it. My vanity has had me do things any normal human would never think of doing. Being a Warrior Queen, I often approach things as if I am super human and can power through anything; most times I surprise myself by actually doing it and wondering how I even did it.

These last few years have been rougher on me than I have cared to admit. When my only comfort is food and most of the food I love is not what I should be putting inside of me; I get a bit bitchy, to myself, and I go on benders to prove I can do it! I will eat all the fucking cake and candy I want so there. The body can not lie. Martha Graham's father said that very phrase,'the body can not lie.'

Mine started yelling my truth a few years back and I just put it on mute and pushed on. I have had THE best few years artistically, spiritually, emotionally and socially. I felt like I had finally dropped all of my masks and believed I was standing tall and true within my body. The only thing was, I couldn't feel my feet and hadn't realized I had been brought to my knees and the world looks much different from that perspective.

The month of January, I was barely able to leave the house. I couldn't walk. I sat scooted most places and was cared for by my friends and family. I knew my back was not good, but I thought I was better off that where I found myself. After my 10th day of no sleep, a month after having to leave my sacred spot at the grill at the Columbian Cafe, I had my brother take me in because the swelling was in my foot, ankle and knee.  This is when I discover I do indeed have gout. Fuck me.

I can live with this news! It is diet based and I can give things up. I must. I now see the pattern. I have been chopping down this path for some time. I am learning. I know what I must do and I am totally worth the work!

Today, was the second day in a row since the beginning of December that I am not in total pain, I can feel my feet.  I know where I stand, and it is in my circle of light; I have just chopped through the last big branch in my path and I am standing at the edge of the most glorious golden field of grass kissed with poppies and batchelor buttons. It is like I am standing in a Monet with the sound track to A Room With A View playing all around me. The wind feels so perfect on my flesh and the blood is pulsing through my body telling me I have made it! I have understood the pattern and have stepped beyond. I know I can do this, mostly because I never want to endure the physical pain I was in these past few months. I have a very high threshold for pain and this battle took every ounce of strength and patience I could find to make it through.

In many ways, I do not feel like myself any longer; I have had to let go of who I was to become who I am and I am pretty fucking excited to discover who this fresh new me is. One thing is for certain, I AM TAKING IT SLOW AND SMELLING ALL THE FLOWERS ALONG THE WAY, and opening my heart in ways I have always been too afraid to do. Watch out world HERE. I. CUM!