I was once straight

I was once straight. No, really I was.  I needed to be. I didn't really come out until I was 21ish, so the years before that I was straight (I know, right). I was even engaged, but I'll save that for another time. I want to tell you about my attempt at being a dude during the spring on 1988.

I was only the city league volleyball team, we liked to party, a lot. I can't really remember why, but we were having a group camping trip out at Fort Stevens and we were tearing it up on the sand hill side of the lake. I had been making my 'moves' on (we will call her 'sweetie') sweetie for awhile and my buddies were pushing me to make the move on her on this trip. I was nervous as fuck. How was I going to do this? I kind of liked her, but only in the regards to her hair and outfits, I was in now way attracted, but I was hopeful that she would be blurred by my charm, Drakkar Noir, and feathered hair... She won't notice the braces or the swish.

I knew I was going to need some liquid courage so I had a buddy buy me a fifth of tequila and a 2 liter of my personal favorite, California Cooler!!! I miss the days of being to buy a 2 liter of a wine cooler! We went out on the rubber boat on the lake and I guzzled the tequila in 3 swigs and started in on the California Cooler, finished that real quick and burped nice and loud, the echo was awesome.

By the time we got back to shore I was feeling G O O D! I mustered up the courage to ask her to go on a walk with me. She said yes. Fuck. Now I will have to go through with it. We are walking along, I am so wasted. I remember going to hold her hand, poor sweetie turned and was all like," what are you doing?"

I was like,'I'm trying to hold your hand...!i want you.... Let's kiss...'

She shoved me with that eew type of energy and was like, 'you are gay.'

WHA. WHA. How could she I'm thinking. My actions were something like: no I'm not! I'm going to grab you and kiss you and prove once and for all that I am straight.  Remember, I'm totally drunk right now. So I go in for the kiss and I know I must have looked the freakish scared and angry boy with braces and feathered hair trying to be straight and wishing I didn't have to go throughwith this but I just needed to.. It was a breaking point for me and probably one of my top ten lowest moments I can kind of remember.

She wiggled and slapped and freaked and called me names so I pushed her into the bushes and turned on my heels and swish staggered back to the group and then all hell breaks loose.

My other friend, "darling" was sitting on a table and was getting in my face about how stupid I was being and how drunk I was and I'm sure a bunch of other shit that I can't remember because I was so drunk. I all I remember was saying I hated her, yelling some more and then we slapped each other and I stormed off heading for the camp site.

I don't know how I made it back, all I remember is crawling and seeing A 12, A 14, A16, A 18, A 20 and then A22.

According to my brother, who had borrowed my car to go cruise the gut it seaside, when he got back he was calling out for me and all he heard was a,"hhheeelllppp mmmeeee" over and over again. I had managed to get into the tent and zip it back up and when he opened it he said I was laying in a sea of vomit. I HAD PUKED EVERYWHERE AND ON EVERYTHING!!!

Next thing I remember was waking up and seeing a huge fire. Oh my fuck they are going to burn me. But no, it was just the bon fire and I was wrapped in vomit soaked sleeping bags and shoved under the picnic table. Perfect. I passed out and woke to the sound of chirping birds and feeling pretty good considering. I snuck out and drove away from my shame.

I was humiliated and since I couldn't remember most things for the next few days, weeks and for some things years, people filled me in and teased me about it all. It was not uncommon to be walking along and hear someone moan out 'hhheeelllppp mmmeeee.' 

I was able to mend some wounds with most people, but I still have never felt good about that situation. I even had several friends 'intervene' and give me the talk about coming out.. Maybe consider the fact I might be gay. Who me? No. Never. I'm straight, I just haven't found the right girl yet. 

Yeah right. But then I did, and a good Mormon girl too. 

A perfect day

Today was THE most perfect day! It started at 8 sitting in the backyard drinking French press and having hash browns and eggs in the sun with Becky. It is my favorite thing, the morning sun and coffee. Astoria is a special place and when the sun is out it just does something to me. The veil of illusion drops and I see clearly and deeply and tap into that earth vibration that just makes me want to strut and skate and hug every person I see..

After breakfast, I began my transformation into Daylight for the last bit of filming Mister Smith had for us to do on the Drag Queen Rap video. I put together a fierce outfit! Acid washed denim elastic waisted coveralls that I turned into hot shorts and sleeveless sexy goodness worthy of a queen:) I always know it is a good outfit when I get a giggle out of Mister Smith. It has become something I strive for:)

He picked me up and we went to the Pacific Pride gas station for some gas pumping good times. I love that I did all this under the Pacific Pride banner in front of the pumps and behind my boom box! The only thing missing was the car. But wait, that will be arriving shortly; in the mean time, Mister Smith filmed me dancing and working it for the camera in the gorgeous sunshine. It was a funny scene as the gas station is open, but it is a self pumper so no employees are there, however, the owner did drive up and ask what we were doing. I introduced myself and Mister Smith and explained what we were doing and he let us continue. 

During one of the takes, we had to stop because two different big rigs pulled up to fuel up.. I just bent down and picked up my boom box and moved out of the way; acting like it was just another day. Which it was!!! This is the way I get to spend my days going out and making music videos in drag!! Love it so..

Eric pulled up in his sexy green machine and we filmed the last bit at the station.

Then, we went back to my place, I slipped into something a bit more comfortable- my sweats and a tank top and off to the beach we went to film the last shot which was of Marco shot dead in the head laying in the sand. We did this at Fort Stevens while other people were enjoying playing on the beach and exploring the sites, I was on my back, with blood dripping from my head. We did stand and take it all in before we left the wonderfully windy beach.

After that adventure, I did another quick change and hustled down to get a quick roller skate in before my afternoon massage. I have been craving a skate with my new skates!! 

I put a skate playlist together and hit the waterfront.  It was perfection! Granted, I felt awkward on the skates being that they were new and it was my first skate since September. I was soaring in the heavens. That is how I feel when I skate. It may be my favorite thing to do. I didn't have time to work on my turns but I skated down to 39th and back to Salon Verve running into many friends along the way! Most of the time it is a high five as we pass but I did manage to get a few hugs too;)

I never tire of looking at the river. It is such a powerful force and so gorgeous and always changing.

After my massage, I headed over the big bridge to hang with some friends and over to their family's house

for dinner. It was such an awesome time! We made these crazy yummy taco salad things that were just what I had been craving but didn't even realize it!

On the drive home, I was on the bridge, Astoria glowing in the distance and the darkness was such a way that it made the road like smoke only being solid directly in my sight line. It was so present. Unfolding as I needed it. I felt so supported in a moment when it looked like I was surrounded by nothingness. 

What a day! I am so lucky to get to live in the truth of the moment and within the openness and honesty of my soul and I am so gratefull to every person that I get to spend moments with in paradise. Here is to a fabulous spring!!!

Candy Whore

I am a candy whore!! I mean it! I have always craved candy... As Willie Nelson would say, "you are always on my mind" 

I can remember as far back as being an altar boy at Saint Mary's ( I know right! Me growing up in Saint Mary's... Hey girl) and one Sunday- now this was back pre-braces, buck toothed, chub rub Mark with the shiny feathered hair- I am ringing the bells for the offering and all I can do is think about how good the Bit-O-Honey is going to taste in my mouth when I can get home to it.... My mouth was so wet, dripping and I was distracted; so much so I remember Father Alstock having to look back at me because I missed my cue for the raising of the chalice. I was so embarrassed to miss my cue my chubby cheeks got even rosier;)

Anyway, I have had a very long and secret, and not so secret love affair with candy. Many if you know my favorites (ranked in no particular order): peanut M and M, starburst, sour patch kids, Swedish fish, Salmaiki; milk duds, licorice, reces peanut butter cups, jugyfruits, kit kat, snickers, lemon heads, dots.... I LOVE me some candy!!!!

You all have seen me eat candy, we share it often... Oh, the risen are my favorite mouth wetting candy for sure!!  But that is only the amount I want you to see. For everything I have eaten with you I guarantee I have snuck more before we got together just to make sure I could control myself around you, especially in public.

Some days, I can eat up to 3 candy full package items within a single sitting:) my favorite combo is usually: sour patch kids, watermelon sour patch kids and peanut m and m... I will eat one full package of the sour patch kids and start in with the m and m before we get home from the store; then I open the other sour patch kid and switch between the two packs until they are gone.

When I lived in New York in the 1990's, we lived in a 4 story brownstone walk up on 56th and 9th. There was a store 3 doors from our entrance and every day when I walked by on my way home I would pick up cigs and candy to bring home; only I would buy extra that I would cram eat before I got to the front door of the building so I wouldn't have to let my room mates know how much candy I really ate. This was a daily event. I am a candy WHORE!

Working at the Columbian Cafe is the worst because I have the snack bar right there and I hear it call my name while I am working in the cafe. On a good day I will escape with just a little box of lemon heads; on a bender day it's a box of those while I decide what else I should take which usually ends in a snickers (now that they come divided in 2 it makes it so easy to share) I eat one half and will cut the other half into slices to share and I'll put a box of m and m's in my pocket to snack on while I get ready to prepare really fresh yummy food...something I'm kind of known for...

My friend Chris laughed at me when I was explaining my situation and embarrassment tonight after work. I'll try to get it right (but I can't type as well as he tells a story): " dude. You are saying that you are embarrassed to have people know how much candy you have? You who isn't shy about anything are covering this up... That is fucked up... I condensed the story.

I'm like, "yeah, I'm embarrassed about how much candy I sneak and I have recognized my pattern and I am stopping it. I am remembering that I feel best when I eat well, make my food, juice my juice and lay off the fucking C.A.N.D.Y. Baby!!!!" 

I am taking control and ridding myself of the burden of hiding all that candy mouth dumping by not doing it any more.

Don't get me wrong, I will still enjoy candy, I just won't be a whore for it and hide my obsession;) I will enjoy it less frequently and maybe more in the form of chocolate that is salty and rich...

Now, next I need to curb my desires for those damn blended coffee drinks.. I just can not help myself and I really do think havin two in one day is a bit much;) probably 6 a week is too many too. Seriously, I have an issue with these tasty sweet treats.

It's like when I decided I wanted to start eating more healthy and work off some of the Oreo, toasted graham cracker with peanut butter, marshmallow peanut butter and chocolate chip melted in the microwave mixed with frosted flakes with heavy cream that I had been accumulating... I decided to eat only things from the farm; so I started eating mostly cheese, butter (which had to be sliced as thick as cheese), eggs and milk.. I was soo gassy... Which remindes

me of my Star of the Sea fart story in the 7th grade while listening to Noah's Arc as told by Bill Cosby on the record player- but I'll save that for another time;)

Back to me, the candy whore, I am rinsing my shit out and getting it tight again so I can roll on the water front in my new skates without "rolling" down the water front... Know what I mean baby;) 

Today was my 4th day without candy.  It is tough. I was in the cafe tonight and I had to ignore the call. I've told Josh to not let me go in the theater for candy.. He can totally keep me out of there!! Love you all!!!! Type at you later! If you see me out and about say hey and give me a hug:)

Love, 

Daylight