Happy Mid-Summer Festival Time!

"A mid-summer day in a fishing town; tonight we celebrate...."

Those are the opening words to Shanghaied in Astoria our very own local historical melodrama. Tonight is the Queens Coronation for our Scandinavian Queen, sadly it won't be me. I'm too old and I'm not really Scandinavian;)

That didn't stop me and my siblings from getting to be Scandinavian dancers and being part of this amazing bit of Astoria tradition. I was in 6th grade and began as a Nordic dancer and in high school was a Viking dancer. We had rehearsals on Tuesday nights at Shively Hall. I can still hear the music begin as we would practice and learn new dances. The dances told stories of harvests, romance and life. Little man in a fix was always one of my favorites!

Anyway(ssss), this time of year was always exciting! I always loved seeing all of the wild flowers that had been gathered by the princesses to make their boquettes to place under their pillows for dreams of a bright future with a loving man. I always joined in the tradition. I would linger around and 'tidy up' the scraps and sneak some into my blue and gray skor windbreaker for later to place under my pillow to dream of my Scandinavian prince.

The guys, which included me when I was I. High school, got to help with erecting the May pole. It was always just so distracting! All those Scandinavian men yanking the cords together to get the pole in the hole and locked in place. It was almost as satisfying as watching the tug of war between countries!! That was ALWAYS a not to miss event.

My favorite year was the year my BFF got to be Miss Findland (hey girl!!!). She asked me to be her flag bearer, which, let's face it, was the closest I would ever get to being a Scandinavian queen (wink). 

This was 1988, I was working at El Mundo for men in Seaside. I had an amazing out fit of a charcoal silk shirt, camel and black woven linen shorts with a long black bet that knotted and had silver on the tip and black scrunch socks with my penny loafers. It was a very good outfit and with my bleach banged hair and bold hair spray there was noting that could ruin my role.... Until I started sweating... Huge circles under my arms. I looked like I had been carrying a huge wet turkey under each arm....all those people watching. I never had to fight so hard to keep my arms down, me being Italian and 'theatrical' and all.

I digress.. After the queen is crowned, (it went to Iceland because tradition has it that whenever one is actually found she must be honored. My BFF had hands down the best speach and is a Finnish immigrant so really it should have gone to her, but that is my opinion), everyone would go out for the burning of the hexes! This was always my favorite, ever since I was a young boy this was the tradition for me. I remember one of the elders telling me that we burn the hexes as a symbol of things we want to be free from.  I usually burnt 5-12 depending;)

Then, we had the polka dance in the cafeteria and danced the night away. I was on the floor a lot. I loved dancing with the elders and my friends, of course, but I always felt so glamorous with the elders. 

There was this one couple that came from some place out of town; they were always there for the big dance Saturday night. They were both very good looking and two of the most polished performers I had ever seen. I hope they still attend.

Well, there was my friend Kevin that was INCREDIBLE! I always got him to show me moves, especially the hombo ( which I never could get). He was so powerful on the floor and I know he still dances!

It has been a long while since I've been to the festival, kind of broke my heart when it left the high school, never felt the same at the fair grounds. I may get to go this year. If not, I always have the memories in my soul and they pop back to life so fully in my muscle memory every time.

As I was driving out to get my first ever CSA, I had it all flash so strongly in my mind as the fox gloves waved at me as I drove down 202 on my way to 46 north farm.

I love so much that I was raised with the experiences of flower dreams, hexes, May pole dances and friends and family dressed in traditional costume celebrating heritage and pride. It is those conditioning moments and the rest of the life expanding experiences I am fortunate to be able to participate in that cause me to push beyond that which I'm familiar with in order to become more fully who I am.

This year has been huge in the shifting and understanding of who I am. This past week was incredible that way. I discovered that even though I am an open and expressive person, I am very guarded and have physically adjusted my posture to protect and that has lead to some of my chronic pain. I spoke it out loud, I understand what I must do and with this mid-summer as I burn my hexes I hope to allow my walls of protection around my soul to fall so that I may be able to experience my life more fully than ever before!

Astoria, I love you!!!!!

Seeing the 7 year pattern...or.....attempts at love and by love I mean love

So, I'm laid up in the backyard. I sprained my ankle watering the yard. Anyway(sssss), this time of year is always rough on me and every 7 years it is worse because it involves 2 overlapping pasts I have worked through/am working on/will continue to work on until I can recognize the pattern and step beyond.i am going attempt to convey the spiritual side of my being and alittle about my sexual life... The patterns are always swimming in my mind and I see them in my visual world too so finding words is going to be interesting... Here I go:

On any given day at any given moment I can see my life past, present, future and all the paths and connections to everything to it. It's all just there. It's why I'm so good at remembering things. Even though I'm good at letting go of things I still remember them. No hold over me,  just a bit of my history.

I recently mentioned that I am a survivor or rape. This time of year is the 'anniversary' of one of them.  So, I always get a bit reflective about my life. How it makes me feel. How far I've come being able to find love for myself again. This year has been the best yet!! Now, every 7 years, I get courageous enough to open myself up to the possibility of being in a relationship again.  My most successful one was 7 years ago and it lasted 6 months, which is a record for me:)

I've learned a lot. I've let go of a bunch of my fuckedisms.

I see myself. Flaws and all and I like who I am!

Except..this is a strange one to explain..because of all the incredible and close male relationships I have, I have trained myself to be able to disconnect myself from my cock. I severed that desire current so that I could be close without making my friends sexually uncomfortable. Which I know is weird because we are all so odd and sexually perverted and like to talk nasty. It gets awkward but we all know I mean no harm;) It has been my greatest meditation because I could never wish for a more incredible, tough, caring, talented, generous and funny loving group of friends I call my family. We really are so lucky to have what we have y'all!!!! I hope it's not strange that I'm talking about us, but it gets to the root of my issue....hehehe

BELIEVE IT OR NOT... In the not too far past, but far enough to be a memory.... I had the opportunity to hangout with a fella.  I know! Stop the presses....I'm talking about it. I made out with a man and I liked it!!!

And you know, I am one of those fuckers that I get so frustrated with on the daily...I SUCK FACE HARD IN PUBLIC AND MAYBE DO A LITTLE DRY GRIND. I just can't help myself. It's that 7 year itch I just can't get enough and I want to be on and in everything at once past present and future!!!!

Oh, you've maybe seen me do it before...

Well, we end up going to his place and I just get shy, and my 'I' I mean my dick. Oh, it's dripping with excitement it just isn't being given the permission to salute this beauty before me..

All of my training has made it really difficult to pay attention at the best show in town!!! Damnnnnn. I'm actually explaining all this to him as we are on the bed getting it on:) which I'm so proud of the fact I am addressing the issue of my shy penis.

I didn't hear from him again. But I've heard my beating heart and I remember what it feels like to feel alive again.

I'm reminded of the first time I felt after being raped, 12 years of no feeling, I was in Contact Improv. I've mentioned this before. The pattern is so clear and as soon as I can find that last thread connecting my mind to my cock I will be able to step away and be free and visit my 7 year issue no more...

I have my quest! I am a warrior and I will make my way through the terrain of my being and uncover the root and set it free!!! I'm mounting my unicorn and I soar glitter flying everywhere past presnt and future all in one breath.....

The swelling pride within

As pride approaches, I have been given the gift of knowledge of the advocates in my life from way back in Catholic school! I adore finding out parts of my past that affected me, yet I had no part in it at all.

I have a dear friend who I get to see every week or so, if our schedules cross as such. She was a parent at Star of the Sea and one of my ALL time favorite classy ladies ever!!! Anyway(ssssss), awhile back she was telling some girls how important it was to have a best gay friend, they are invaluable, and how my friends were lucky to have me as theirs. I'm the lucky one!! I asked, "ok, so did you know I was gay at Star?"

She laughs at me and replies,"oh honey, you were everyone's special little gay that we all fought so hard to protect." It got me deep...I told her I wish that someone would have let me in on it especially with the weekly reports from the priest about how sinful it was, as well as masterbation and not being a Catholic (that was directed to the 4 or 5 kids that were not Catholic but going to school with us). She said it was a different time and they thought it was better to shield me.. 

So today, I run into a friend who has a class that my favorite teacher from Star takes and they were talking about me.  She said she was the first one to mention something to my parents about the possibility of me being gay.. I acted all cool. I wanted to run home and verify with my mom if it was true.

She can't remember. I am the memory for my family, a role I love and cherish. This is what my mom said: " you have always been you. I only see people that way,

as they are."  I love her so much and it is true... She has always given all of her kids the power and freedom to be themselves, even if we are too afraid to do so.

She asked me many times if maybe I was....gay and I never wanted to disappoint her so I always skewed the truth. I didn't really fully come out to my parents until I was 31 and dating someone in town and wanted them to know first before the gossip bus pulled over to tell them;)

Our lives are our lives and they unfold as they will. I am grateful for how mine has lead me. After this news today, I wonder what my life would have looked like if my parents and my 5th grade teacher would have had that discussion with me... Would I have been brave enough to come out in this little fishing town then? Would I have found more joy? Been willing enough to allow myself to be open and love?

The truth is, it wasn't until winter term of 2001, at the UO, in Contact Improvisation that I understood that I can be touched and supported and loved. That bodies can move in space and spiral and lift and breathe; struggle to reach heights all the while gravity is pulling one towards the earth. It was there I found my heartbeat and I knew that I was finally in my body and free to live my life.

Recently, I have just felt that I am not enough in my life. I was standing and noticed that I could not feel my feet touching the earth. I felt like I just disappoint everyone. My feelings, I know, but I wanted to understand them. What I've gleaned is that I lost contact with myself, I allowed myself to be pulled down in the tides of my emotions and didn't realize all I had to do was stand up.

It is all we really have to do. Stand up. 

And so, I stand as I am, somedays glowing in perfection and other days not so much. I reach into the earth with my feet, to the heavens with my head and to the rest of the directions with my heart. 

Today, I expand my breath, I breathe from the fullness of my heart and move with the grace and beauty of who I am and I move with no other purpose but to be love.