I have a dear friend who I get to see every week or so, if our schedules cross as such. She was a parent at Star of the Sea and one of my ALL time favorite classy ladies ever!!! Anyway(ssssss), awhile back she was telling some girls how important it was to have a best gay friend, they are invaluable, and how my friends were lucky to have me as theirs. I'm the lucky one!! I asked, "ok, so did you know I was gay at Star?"
She laughs at me and replies,"oh honey, you were everyone's special little gay that we all fought so hard to protect." It got me deep...I told her I wish that someone would have let me in on it especially with the weekly reports from the priest about how sinful it was, as well as masterbation and not being a Catholic (that was directed to the 4 or 5 kids that were not Catholic but going to school with us). She said it was a different time and they thought it was better to shield me..
So today, I run into a friend who has a class that my favorite teacher from Star takes and they were talking about me. She said she was the first one to mention something to my parents about the possibility of me being gay.. I acted all cool. I wanted to run home and verify with my mom if it was true.
She can't remember. I am the memory for my family, a role I love and cherish. This is what my mom said: " you have always been you. I only see people that way, 
as they are." I love her so much and it is true... She has always given all of her kids the power and freedom to be themselves, even if we are too afraid to do so.
She asked me many times if maybe I was....gay and I never wanted to disappoint her so I always skewed the truth. I didn't really fully come out to my parents until I was 31 and dating someone in town and wanted them to know first before the gossip bus pulled over to tell them;)
Our lives are our lives and they unfold as they will. I am grateful for how mine has lead me. After this news today, I wonder what my life would have looked like if my parents and my 5th grade teacher would have had that discussion with me... Would I have been brave enough to come out in this little fishing town then? Would I have found more joy? Been willing enough to allow myself to be open and love?
The truth is, it wasn't until winter term of 2001, at the UO, in Contact Improvisation that I understood that I can be touched and supported and loved. That bodies can move in space and spiral and lift and breathe; struggle to reach heights all the while gravity is pulling one towards the earth. It was there I found my heartbeat and I knew that I was finally in my body and free to live my life.
Recently, I have just felt that I am not enough in my life. I was standing and noticed that I could not feel my feet touching the earth. I felt like I just disappoint everyone. My feelings, I know, but I wanted to understand them. What I've gleaned is that I lost contact with myself, I allowed myself to be pulled down in the tides of my emotions and didn't realize all I had to do was stand up.
It is all we really have to do. Stand up.
And so, I stand as I am, somedays glowing in perfection and other days not so much. I reach into the earth with my feet, to the heavens with my head and to the rest of the directions with my heart.
Today, I expand my breath, I breathe from the fullness of my heart and move with the grace and beauty of who I am and I move with no other purpose but to be love.
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