My whole life, I encounter a difficult situation, I grit my teeth and make my way through; like carving a path through blackberry cluster fucks. I just keep swatting away, stomping on branches, pulling out thorns, scraping my body and silently giggling at how exciting it feels to be thrashing through the mess to get to the other side and see what is there. Each time I go to make a new trail, I take the little bits of wisdom I discovered from previous power blazing adventures 
and fine tune my tactics so as to be more efficient with my path and my journey.
The blackberry brambles of my life are food and the wonderful ways it can bring me to my knees. I have always searched out the comfort of food. As a young child, it was toasted gram crackers with peanut butter, frosted flakes with heavy cream (instead of milk), a few sleves of Oreo cookies and ritz crackers with butter and thick slices of cheddar cheese.... For my after school snack.
I know I've shared with you my cravings for candy and that battle. Then we have my terrible romance with diet teas and supplements to shit it all away.
My love for rich food, great wine and cocktails just adds to the system I have depleted and starved to create a creature I could be happy with and what do I get??? Fucking gout. Serious as a heart attack.
One of my problems in life is that as soon as I make it through a situation, in which, I've had to struggle... A few good days and I am back at it. I push myself through and make it to the end standing on my two feet, I may not be able to feel them, but I am on them. As a performer, you just learn to do what you've got to do or someone else will do it. My vanity has had me do things any normal human would never think of doing. Being a Warrior Queen, I often approach things as if I am super human and can power through anything; most times I surprise myself by actually doing it and wondering how I even did it.
These last few years have been rougher on me than I have cared to admit. When my only comfort is food and most of the food I love is not what I should be putting inside of me; I get a bit bitchy, to myself, and I go on benders to prove I can do it! I will eat all the fucking cake and candy I want so there. The body can not lie. Martha Graham's father said that very phrase,'the body can not lie.'
Mine started yelling my truth a few years back and I just put it on mute and pushed on. I have had THE best few years artistically, spiritually, emotionally and socially. I felt like I had finally dropped all of my masks and believed I was standing tall and true within my body. The only thing was, I couldn't feel my feet and hadn't realized I had been brought to my knees and the world looks much different from that perspective.
The month of January, I was barely able to leave the house. I couldn't walk. I sat scooted most places and was cared for by my friends and family. I knew my back was not good, but I thought I was better off that where I found myself. After my 10th day of no sleep, a month after having to leave my sacred spot at the grill at the Columbian Cafe, I had my brother take me in because the swelling was in my foot, ankle and knee. This is when I discover I do indeed have gout. Fuck me.
I can live with this news! It is diet based and I can give things up. I must. I now see the pattern. I have been chopping down this path for some time. I am learning. I know what I must do and I am totally worth the work!
Today, was the second day in a row since the beginning of December that I am not in total pain, I can feel my feet. I know where I stand, and it is in my circle of light; I have just chopped through the last big branch in my path and I am standing at the edge of the most glorious golden field of grass kissed with poppies and batchelor buttons. It is like I am standing in a Monet with the sound track to A Room With A View playing all around me. The wind feels so perfect on my flesh and the blood is pulsing through my body telling me I have made it! I have understood the pattern and have stepped beyond. I know I can do this, mostly because I never want to endure the physical pain I was in these past few months. I have a very high threshold for pain and this battle took every ounce of strength and patience I could find to make it through.
In many ways, I do not feel like myself any longer; I have had to let go of who I was to become who I am and I am pretty fucking excited to discover who this fresh new me is. One thing is for certain, I AM TAKING IT SLOW AND SMELLING ALL THE FLOWERS ALONG THE WAY, and opening my heart in ways I have always been too afraid to do. Watch out world HERE. I. CUM!
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