Returning to my room, I grabbed my stick and struck a match, placed it to the candle on my special space in my room and as I stood there holding the palo santo to the flame; I watched the aspects of my life warm to the light.
I saw the people that are my protectors and guides smiling at me and encouraging me on.
I go into my smudge dance and invite the tensions, lessons, joys, pains and fears to leave me, making room for more life. As I near the end of my dance, I am drawn to my baby book. Mom and dad gave it back to me when they sold the house some years back. I place it on my bed and start looking through the pages of announcements, news of the times and cards going up to my 9th birthday.
There is an old Columbia Press from 1976, 40 years ago with a nice photo of me and some others from Star of the Sea
The caption below my photo reads:"The purpose of Star of the Sea School is to educate the whole person with value awareness."
Value awareness, I love it!! 40 years ago, little me a poster child for value awareness. And I'm still fighting on.
It wasn't until this very moment, in fact, it is what is driving me to write these words to you on the eve of my birthday, because I don't know if I will see it as clearly as I do at this very moment.
Sitting here, I flashed to the moment at the end of singing 'My Way' and mom jumping out of her seat, unable to contain her joy for me, her gay son in his gold glittered feather collar and tap shoes. Her little gay son who is always pushing on and pushing out. The gay son that would always tone it down when mom is around, try to cover up, the whole loop of shame rants that would scream through my mind all dropped away in that moment.
It's taken almost a month to process that moment and the shift I feel has happened within me. I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed for them for having me.
I know that is a strange statement but I've always felt like a bit of a disappointment, like I was bummed for so long because I couldn't be the man that they had dreamt I'd be.
These are my issues, these have been my projections on them because they love me so openly and fully that it is a mystery on why it has taken me so long to step out of my own way.
This is game changing intel!! This is mind and soul blowing great news. This is my ticker tape parade and I'll march my band out, I'll beat my drum...
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