Setting the bitch free, struggling to keep it joyous when all I want to do is scream and slap...or, communication skills 101

It is a little known fact that I can be a bitch. I accept responsibility for that. I recognize that strain of rage within me and I have spent many years trying to get those moments less frequent in my life. I have always said that it's because I am direct when I speak with people. I don't like to beat around the bush to get to my point. I would rather save time and just say what I need to say and continue on.

Years ago, I had the veil lifted when people were writing yelp reviews about the cafe and on several occasions I was referred to as 'the bitchy queen behind the grill'.  Nice.

 Bitchy because I would answer questions like, "how much longer is my food going to be?" " I didn't order that?" "What are you doing?" " you are too old and chubby for those small shirts." It goes on and on and on.

I would always reply with one liners like, "well, I'm working on these tickets and you are there." "It's a tomato." "You ordered a mercy right?" 

I've always had a job that puts me on display and I had to let go of myself along the way. Constantly wondering if my cake waist was too much, if my neck was too hairy, would this shirt make me pit out and look like I had been carrying raw plucked turkeys under my arms.

I learned how to place myself in a protective zone so that I could work fast and give people love filled food; which could be a challenge depending on who was sitting behind me and asking me a million and one questions as I chopped and tossed and sliced and diced away.

This past week, I was reminded of this as I made crepes at the Oregon Country Fair. Standing at the grill, pouring, flipping and filling crepe after crepe, hour after hour and people would be, " how much longer on my crepe?" "where am I in the line of tickets?" "

I'm thinking, "Where is the love?" "This is Country Fair, right?" When I told someone, " if you are in that much of a hurry I'd be happy to pour the batter in a cup and mix in the toppings and you can call it a soup." I knew my battle was not over yet. The bitch, she still lives in me. I felt her excitement build with the anticipation of maybe getting to unleash on someone.

I removed myself from the grill because I don't want to go there.

I hate being a bitch. Finding a way to type this and sort through what I am trying to say, is making me feel bitchy, but I'm trying not to be.

I feel like I have come along way on my quest for the truth of my being. I've learned that just because the bitch wants to rage, that doesn't make it my truth; it is just a trained trigger response to protect myself.

It is kind of like how I have always talked and acted so vulgar and nasty. I did that to fit in and to distract from how uncomfortable I was being who I was surrounded by attitudes that made me feel less than human within in my heart.

So, I let the bitch build the walls to keep everyone away so that I wouldn't be harmed by the negativity thrust at me since the 4th grade.

As I've been unfolding the layers I've stacked and rolled around my being, morsels of the past fall out and I am able to reexamine and understand that I reacted out of fear.

Fear of letting people see me. Fear of letting people know me and how sweet and sensitive I really am. Fear of accepting the reality of my being. Fear of honesty. Fear of intimacy, of a life lived full.

There was/is a whole lot of fear going on inside of me.

As I have faced these fears as I step out and up, I let them go and try to be my truth.

At fair, I saw this on so many people. It is always a soul and eye opener for me. Getting to see thousands of people wandering through the woods expressing their true natures and being fully alive for this moment in time.

Sitting in the Ritz, surrounded by naked people of all shapes and sizes and colors and textures and all of us tuning our voices together as we 'om'and sing as we sweat the toxins out. Soul cleansing.

Magic, I tell you. Honest to goodness magic of the simplest form. Eye to eye contact, heart to heart hugs and laughter ringing up through the trees.

In many ways, I'm lucky because many of my friends and family see the honest me. They don't turn away when I have to express one or another aspects of my being. I have chosen to listen to what my heart says and it is varied and I love that.

I love that I can flit around in my feather skirt and eyelashes and wander barefoot with my crew; or wear my unicorn tights and furs and jewels, or be able to sit near my friends naked and know no judgement. These are the moments I carry home with me and try to retain as I make my way through life back on pavement with judging eyes and attitude.

Thank goodness for Dragalution. Seriously.

Yesterday, I was sitting with my brother and Kourtney, having a visit and just talking about all the crazy situations that are happening in our family and around the world. A family friend came in and was all joyous to see Steven, giving a big hug and such kindness and then barely able to even make eye contact with me and only able to make a snide comment; I removed myself and went to say hi to someone else. This person just can not handle who I am and it was so obvious.

I brought it up after the person left and they were just blown away by it. The reality is, that happens to me daily. That fake nice but really condemning me to hell. And I'm not trying to be a bitch, but, honey, that is your world not mine.

I stand in the light and I strive to be good and love all beings regardless of who or what they are or how they live.

I am the last person to judge anyone. 

Once you spend a lifetime being judged and condemned, it makes it easy to not do so to others.

I guess what I am getting at is that your judgements are your judgements, your anger towards me is your anger. For every ounce of hatred  you thrust at me I will respond with open arms and love.

I am the fool and I will trust again and again, no matter how many times you knock me down,  I will stand again and keep moving on. 

This is something we can all work on. We need to find a way to have more patience and kindness for one another. We share this space together and why not have some fun while we are at it?? Why do we feel the need to fight or put one another down? Why do we get pleasure out of watching people suffer, fail and struggle? Why do we not want to acknowledge each other as we pass on the street? So many 'why's.

It is at times like these, as tensions and anxiety rise, that we need to remember to take a deep breath and a moment before we react and to try to respond through kindness and patience. It is actually a lot easier that you think, it just takes a little longer, but hey, what is the rush? Take the time to love your life, slow down and take in the world you live in and the people around you. We are all so varied and beautiful, we are worth the look of admiration.

All my love,

Daylight