Yesterday, I was having a visit with my parents and some life long family friends at Street 14 and the conversation was on how awesome it was for me to have a float in the Regatta Parade with my drag family and friends!  As we were sitting around the table passing my phone around looking at the photos, I realized that something was absent in my life that I had never sensed before...
Shame.
I felt so warm and so full sitting there with people that have raised me and helped raise me and I wasn't nervous or embarrassed for who I am for the first time in my life!!!!
I had not realized until that moment how much shame has ruled over me.  The voices that echo in my head as I do things.  Shame on you Mark.  Mark Davis go to the hall right now!  Nuns slapping my hands with rulers, pulling me by my ears and always trying to silence the expression coming out of my mouth and body.  I have always been ashamed to be myself and I have fought those voices out of my head and gone on against the tide.
What has been so hard for me is that I have never wanted to disappoint my family, my mother especially.  I have always worked on being a good son, brother and friend.  I was raised with so much faith and love and fear sometimes it made it hard to know how or where my heart was beating.
I remember being 11 and being over at birthday party with all of the families we rolled with in those days, and everyone was playing ball in the field and I went to play and the kids didn't want me to play with them.  I was heavier and sports were never my forte, so I was the one that was always last picked and played outfield and so on.  Anyway, the moms came out and told the kids that they had to play with me or they would be punished.  So they let me play.  All I felt was shame, shame for making them play with me.  From that day on, I felt alone.  I knew that they were only nice to me because they didn't want to get in trouble.  I believe that became the chip I carried on my shoulders for many years, well into my 30's for sure.  Add that to the shame of being a scared little gay boy that didn't even know what it meant other than burning in hell and wow it is a fun party.
I remember that same year, sitting with my grandmother in the living room as she watched her Billy Graham Sunday program.  I was actually in her wheel chair, she was in the rocker holding my cat, Patches, and Billy was asking us to pray with him to beg to be healed from our suffering and I instinctively placed my hands on my crotch and prayed so hard that I would be free of this shame so that I would be more lovable and clean.  Thank goodness that prayer was never answered because I love how I have evolved and who I am!  At 44 I feel good to say this.
Daylight Cums has taught me to embody my essence and to not be afraid to be myself.   She taught me to be able to look in the mirror and not see the chub rub, buck toothed, feather haired closeted gay boy rape survivor that wore a coat of many colors that was all woven with shame and fear.  She gave me new eyes to see how lucky I am to have been through what I have been through and be able to stand with the grace and strength that I have earned and discovered about myself.  She has brought me home to who Mark was all those years ago.  The Mark I shoved down out of shame.  The Mark I pulled out of the muck of my youth and renamed as Marco when I first began to stand tall within myself in 1994, but still lacked the self respect and love I needed to feel alive.
In essence, that really is what my Dragalution is all about.  It is a revolution against our fears and obstacles that are placed upon us by society and our own doing in order to blend and not make a ripple.  Those ripples are what make life textured and rich and varied.  I am so grateful that I have been able to see this truth about myself and to be able to finally walk away from my shame and be. " I am.  I am who I am and no one, nobody can tell me I'm not.  I am who I am and you can't squelch the flight in me."