I used to do everything to try and find a man. Some would call it desperate, others would laugh at my attempts. I'm one that always puts it all out there. I want people to know what they are getting, and it would, generally, scare them away. Then, it got to the point where I would be sure to have sex on the first date because I knew I would scare him away anyway so I may as well get laid... And that never works for me because I am just too crazy in the sack, with a thin veil of nervousness ever since I was 25 and was told by a boyfriend while we were having sex that I should really lose my gut if we were going to continue dating- his hand was slapping my gut as he said this:)
I have always had a gut, even when I was working out all the time, dancing and partying like a good club kid I could just never manage to rid myself of my stretched out belly button and belly. It has been my biggest self trigger flaw for 30 years. What the fuck!!
Anyway, I would commit to a gym, abuse diet supplements, starve myself, cheat the angles and distract with my huge personality...all this to try and find a man to love me. I would always manage to attract the wrong guys, but I thought that they must be the right ones because they were the only ones; which always lead to an abusive situation.
I turned into the 7 year monk. Every 7 years I would try to date again, thinking this time I would have learned enough to make it work....And it wouldn't and I would spend another 7 years trying to recover from the abuse, alcohol and cigarettes I consumed to try and make it through.
I've only really had one relationship that worked and that lasted 6 months and it was fun and a challenge and everyone thought I was crazy because he was so much younger than I was. But he got me and he pushed me and we are still amazing friends.
Winter 3 years ago, I was standing in the ocean trying to bring relief to my nerve pinched leg... It was cloudy and cold and I was standing there just pumping hatred and frustration into my being and the sun poked through and was shining down upon me, it was a heavenly moment, and I had one thought sing in my mind, " how can you expect your body to carry you through life when all you do is fill it with hatred, love it and it will bring you to where you need to be."
From that moment on, I have been dedicated to loving myself and discovering the beauty of me, flaws and all. I have stopped doing things to catch a man's eye; instead I do things to fill my soul and body with warm gooey thoughts of how lucky I am to be able to have this time to understand who I am and what I need to feel fulfilled in my life. It has brought me to a new level of understanding on who Marco is...
I was afraid to embark on this path, I felt very selfish. The reality is that I am dedicated to making myself shine with the beauty I have always been so afraid to share. I am always on the verge of stepping out and allowing you to see me fully, something always holds me back and I never get to fully shine.... I am on that edge at this moment and I am asking myself to take that chance and shine, I'm hoping I won't cock block myself this time around...
As I type this, I realize that my cycle is repeating, it is my 7 year mark. I recognize the pattern and I am letting go of it... I am here, I am full of love and I share my life freely. Maybe I will get to know the loving touch of a man wanting to be with this freak show queen, maybe my knight will soar in on a unicorn and say he has been looking for me... All I do know is that I see myself and I smile when I look in the mirror knowing that I am doing my best to be my best and glorious self. I have found the ability to love myself and that is something I had never been
able to achieve before!!
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