I began watching how people moved. Where the weight was placed as they walked, how the arms didn't move and people only breathed from their belly buttons. And I saw it, I saw the answer to one of my life questions that I never have the words for to ask the question, but it is always nagging at me...I need to be free from my drive to control how I present myself. I move with a locked quality that keeps me from my free stride, the stride that gives it all away, my swish, my ' you want some fries with that shake' walk. I have been spending a lot of my time finally looking at myself with my teacher eyes and addressing he issues of my body that I choose to never look at because I generally can't bare to look at myself.
I have been unwinding the twisted spirals my body has fallen into over the years. I am discovering how to stand with my weight on both feet and how good it feels to breathe freely and fully feeling the three dimentional quality I so easily ignore.
The fin piece to the puzzle fell into place as I am watching people move around the pool. People being brave, wearing bait hint suits that they normally won't, all types of bodies there to soak up the warmth and escape the reality of their worlds. Vegas is awesome for that! At the same time that these people are parading themselves around with the air of ' I don't care what these fuckers think because I'll never see them again' (at least that was playing in my mind) I see the restraint in their movements, arms held at the side, so swing no grace, just bodies moving through space. And that is when it hit me: let go. Stop holding on to the body and not allowing it to swing and ride the currents of the rhythmn of time and space. The final piece, let go and be free.
It's hard to do, to walk and allow the arms to swing. I tried it out I one of the evenings I was walking on the strip back to Mandalay Bay. I chose not to hold on but to breathe fully, feel my feel against the ground and allow my body to swing gas I went. Felt real good. Then, I noticed I had stopped swinging, back to lockdown walk, tall and graceful true, but no life.
So, I began again being awRe of how I was moving allowing myself to let go even though my subconscious mind was trying to cling to the armor of my frozen gait and in that heat too.
I was starting to get the hang of it and then I heard, ' work it girl' and instead of doing my usual not acknowledging the shout outs and whistles; I did a look back turn and smile and kept the swing alive all the way back home.
By letting that go, I feel softer, more loving and honest than I have ever felt. The trick is to keep it flowing. I like the feeling of the swing when I walk. I like the feeling of filling my lungs full and allowing my soul some sunshine. I feel boundless and I have the attitude of FUCK IT! Not pissed off fuck it, but a fuck it that says fuck it I'm going to have a blast living in this moment and not feel like I need to keep myself compartmentalized so as to not make a ripple.
I say fuck it to all of my rules that have kept me precise, I want to move like nature, like the wind in a storm at the beach, or across a field in August. I say fuck it to not feeling like I should hold myself back.
I am letting go and the most incredible part is the fact that I feel my heart beating more clearly and honestly than ever before!!
I'll see ya on the streets!!!
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