Just so you know, the rumors, although flattering and so exciting are just NOT TRUE. I don't perpetuate false facts so I will not repeat the silly but flattering story. Instead, I'm going to tell you another silly and romantic (not) story. This one came back like a photo you thought had been destroyed and yet there it is on Facebook for someone's throw back Thursday and clearly you had thrown more back than a Thursday from the looks of the photo.....
Anyway(ssss), I was visiting with my brother,Ken and his partner (Kevin) on the couch looking out at the river, thumbing through late 80's early 90's Playgirls, and just giggling at everything there is to giggle about.....and the subject of me being single came up along with one of my favorite punch lines from the 'first time I was raped' story ( which I have to make lite of from time to time, it is how I get over things). That line being,"and that is why I can't stand the smell of ylang ylang" (best said out loud).
SO MY TALE:
I'm one of those guys that is just always single. Another part of my healing was putting up walls and talking nasty,it gave/gives me space. I've told you before of my 7 year dry spells. One of the first ones came the fall of 95' in Manhattan. I was hanging out with my room mate Kim and she found me the perfect man in the back of the looking section of the Village Voice. It should have stopped there but nnnoooo she had to pester me about it and convince me that I should call 'mister 6' dark and handsome, likes walks in Central Park, picnics, theater and laughter.' I had one condition: she and our friend Michelle were to tail me and we had a few signals worked out for emergency exit strategies:)
The day of the 'date' came and the girls cracked me up with their Peter Sellers meets the North Avenue Irregulars outfits of camel colored London fog raincoats, dark glasses and fedoras. I had never seen anything so perfect, that moment alone was worth the hell about to be unleashed on me.
He said I would know him by his purple bike and red beret, reason number two I should not have gone. Well.... Imagine my surprise to not see the man he described himself as but rather a 5'9" fella with a nose that would make Babs cry and the hair of Kenny G, but shorter and crammed under the beret, think Elaine from Steinfield. I still walked up to him and introduced myself. He seemed pleased. I followed him to the coffee shop ignoring my safety code for later.
He was really interesting and he asked such probing questions about my life prior to this moment with him. I talked, cause that is what I do when I am nervous in public. Well, and sweat sooo bad, and go buck toothed and play with the sugar bowl. I managed to keep my cool. It was hard to not laugh at the girls who were making gestures to me and wanting to go. I said my good bye, I almost never put out on the first date. I gave one of those awkward hugs where I don't let my penis near his so that there is the chance of tips touching, I didn't want him to think I was interested. Because I most certainly wasn't. He, however, had different plans.
He called a few days later. He had some follow up questions. He opened with,"I wasn't completely honest with you the other day...." My eyes roll in my head as I reach for a cig.
"I am not just a Pegan, I am High Priest of the New York Pegans." My eyes continue to roll, I take a deep drag as I think ,'no, you're just HIGH'
And he continues with," I knew when I met you that you were going to be mine (I didn't know I had no choice) and I'm using my powers as High Priest to do a binding spell to make you mine for eternity." Am I really hearing all this bull shit... Then he goes on to say," I came home and did a sexual binding something or other (those are my words because I honestly can not remember what he called it because I was so stunned I still hadn't even hung up yet) ritual and made a painting of our love and I want to give it to you. Can I come over?" Ok here we go. I make an excuse to get off the phone and light another cig. Is this really my fucking life?
He actually calls a few days later.
He opens with," I can't give you the painting I made you."
I reply, without missing a beat,"what!!! You are just mean! Why even tell me about it?!" I was messing with him:)
"I was doing another sexual binding dance last night and I came on the painting and it is now sacred so it has to remain here." He responded in a tone of high English.
I inhale the rest of my cig and as I exhale I say," please never call me again!!!!!" And I hung up the phone and hit the bar. F.U.C.K.
Fast forward to June. I'm at Central Park skating at the roller disco that happens every weekend. As I'm leaving the smoking fine asses in hot shorts and Lycra to cross back home I spot a scene being set up. I instantly thought, "oh goodie!!! A play in the park."
I plop my skinny ass bleach blond club kid ass down on the grass and wait for the fun to begin. Then it hits me!!! It's summer solstice and this is the Pegan gathering and wouldn't you know it if that sun of a gun wasn't being carried in on a fucking throne carried by 8 muscle men.. Unbelievable. I think he saw me. I hoped that the hair color change threw him off my scent. I didn't wait to see, I swished it out if there quicker than a hooker on a zipper.
And that, my friends, is why I don't do online dating, hook ups or blind dates. They just get too weird too fast and it makes me feel not so funny inside and 
out;)
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