She and I have been through a lot together. Sometimes I marvel at just what the human condition can endure. I was an emotional wreck leading up to the day; and for those of you that know, I prefer to be a rock in public... It all goes back to being strong and never let anyone seeing me weak. The sign of weakness would ruin me. It is really the reason I walk with such an elevated gait. I have always had to push myself above my fear otherwise I would have never ventured out into my life. Holding on to my fear by presenting fearless.
Anyway(s), I pretty much cried the whole day. Seeing my sister wrapped in the love of her family and friends and walking down the isle by dad, tears. Having her daughters light candles with them to join their bond, tears. Seeing her dance with the man she loves, tears of uncontrollable joy. I didn't realize how much I had been holding on until I realized I didn't have to do so any longer. And I fucking bawled in the gazebo as I let my armpits dry out while the line worked through the buffet.
My family is amazing. I am so lucky to come from such stock that we hold on for one another and guarantee that we find safety and love along each leg of our own journey. I'm getting sidetracked. Back to holding on. It seems like it is all I have ever done. It's like I'm always on countdown or something, but for what??? To start living my life? I'm pretty sure I do a pretty good job at doing that(wink). And sometimes I feel like I am living someone else's life. I mean, I know it is my life but sometimes I feel I am holding on so tight that there is no room for me to breathe because my grip is taking up so much fucking room.
I have been reminded of this even more as I encounter friends that are being brave and coming out and being proud of who they are and standing on new ground and facing their fears so as to not hold on to something they are not. To drop that fissade is one of the hardest things to do. To drop the veil around our own truths takes real courage. To stop worrying what others will think of oneself is so hard to do. So what do we do? We hold up the images we think people want to see so that we can protect who we truly are.
It is even more evident these days, as I date myself, as I see people (even families) hanging out but never interacting. Phones always in hand checking in and updating but never exchanging words. Lol lol lol but only via text, the world is silent and yet we all scream.
Posing for memories, but never living the moment. I know this is funny coming from a Davis, because we all know that our family is always ready for a photo;) we love to capture our joy. Hold on to the good times.
The reason I love to hug so much is because human interaction is important and I love that moment of breathing into another person and realizing the hug is so much better when I don't hold on. Knowing that I am not alone and that I am so lucky to have a life that allows me to share so deeply the love of life with others is a memory I want to hold on to. Yet, I choose not to because I love living the moment each and every time I get to hug you, holding on without clinging on for dear life.
Holding on for the next season, for the next pay period, for love, for my truth, for a better me.
I have had a rough year. Most of us 
have had rough years. Holding on for a break. Thank goodness for the summer;) everyone has been telling me how great my tan is; and I always respond the same," well, I haven't been able to do much but crawl to the backyard and layout." It's not a joke. But I laugh about it because it is where I am at and I like to have fun, so I make the best of it. I held on to my heels all summer. I love them so much. I love how I feel in them. Dancing in them. Walking down the stairs in them. Walking down the streets of Astoria in them. And I have to let go. I let go, only to make room for more. Daylight is everywhere and I will be graceful no matter what stance I take;) oh, you will see!! Our show DRAGALUTION 2015 is going to blow up your skirt and flutter your panties;)
I feel like I've been all over the place tonight. I'm, clearly, not holding on to form lol lol lol, the world is silent.
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