I used to have an eating disorder, but then I found laxitives...or I've seen beyond the ring of fire..also know as I've learned a few things from this hard cock life

Vanity could have been the ruin of me.  

Vanity has been the ruin of me.

Vanity has been fuel to my life fire.

Vanity can ruin you or raise you up.

I've seen the dark side of my vanity..

And I can go dark.

I think one of my worst was coming out of my first run of fierceness in NYC in 1996. I was back in Astoria and needed to make every day a NYC day. I may have come home ruined, but I delivered. I learned from a very young age that I do best stepping out with my strong leg first. On days I felt less than what I think I should, I dressed  it up and made it comply to my image. 

A few months into my return, I noticed my cake waist expanding and my 29" that I snorted so hard for not even making it up past mid thigh. I wasn't walking my several miles a day in the city anymore, something about a small town just makes a girl want to drive. Maybe it was the yells. Hard to tell but my ass and gut were growing and I couldn't handle that.

I began my love affair with super dieters tea or 3 ballerina tea, depending on what was on sale. I was serious about my tea. The directions were something like: steep one bag of tea in an 8 ounce glass of hot water for 10 minutes. I, being the fierce bitch I was, did 3 bags in 6 ounces of hot water for 20 minutes. The results were an ass cramping good time. The cramps would start around 6 in the morning. I could not make morning farts without sitting on a toilet, because it worked that good!

A few months in, I had dropped my pounds, still had my little belly ( still do, it just likes me), and I knew to never trust a fart before noon. Most days, I would have nice whole pieces of undigested food floating in the toilet. What a miracle!!!

Two things happened within a few weeks of each other....

The first being, I was going to go to lunch with a friend, we were making plans and I was feeling just so fierce and I had a bit of a fart cramp.. A quick glance at the wall, almost 2, I am safe; I'll just let it out gently. I released that fart and felt it run down the inside of my legs. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I shat my pants and it was being absorbed by my socks, it was just water and lettuce after all.

Second, one morning I went to wipe and things just didn't feel right. Well duh, my ass hole was outside of my body.. Yeah, not cool. I just shoved that lining back up in there and prayed that it would just stay there.

It brought back terrible memories to me. I have such butt hole issues. Got to keep that shit clean, literally. The worst being, and I am proud of myself for sharing this, being intimate with my boyfriend of 1991, really the second guy I was ever with, and we are on his twin bed, Aveda candles burning, Julia Fordham playing. Porcelain in my head, his head you know where and all of a sudden my butt becomes a milk duds factory as I watch one land on the bed. You can imagine my horror. He grabs a tissue and cleans it right up assuring me it is natural. Right, if I'm sitting on a toilet or making shit bombs in the forest; but not while being intimate. 

I make light of it, but it has scared me for decades and one reason why I have intimacy issues. The other reason being a survivor of rape and just having moments of that shame outfit always on, like temple garments or something.

It makes me remember how my grandma, who was my best friend and soul mate and schizophrenic, would always make me bathe when I stayed over to get the filth off of me, so she could be around me. I just never feel like I rinse it off enough. I feel like all anyone sees is that filth. My mind plays the reel of filthy little fag over and over. I almost never hear it any more. But it does visit from time to time and on those days I invite it in and let it see just how fabulous and fierce I am!! Rise above baby.

This year has been fucking rough and as I peel away the layers of protective and shame infused layers I've hauled around with me; I remind myself that I always rise above. I always try to flow like water, never fighting, just going along for the ride. At the same time, I push push push on, push out, search within. Then it hit me: to be water and rise above I must swell like the river after a winter's melt. By releasing I allow myself to be supported by the shores and water ways that surround and guide me. Namely, YOU ALL. Your continual love and support allow me to melt and grow and uncover the truth of who I am and what I have to give. 

That feeling is so wonderful! Unbounded joy and bliss. And I am just a firm believer of letting it out, by not keeping my shame hidden, allowing light on it, I recognize that I needn't keep in the dark, skirting around the shadows, cheating my angles to appear more, or less, depending.

Here is to all of us as we love into our dark season! Me we continue to be the light we are to each other. I am always here for you; as I know you are for me! Grab me and hold on if you need me.