Self embarrassment issues and the case of dick puke

I'm on like day 5 of no sleep. It's been one of those great rolls (half wink), I even think I started singing 'roll out the barrels' while washing my hands the other morning. It has really been an interesting few days. I have spent most of it in a strange meditation watching day come and fade and come again. My niece asked me if I would teach her to meditate; she is 10! So, I've been considering my journey in meditation. I have my public meditation; the space I put myself into while cooking for people or teaching or massage or performing. That meditation is about being present in the moment I am in not holding on to anything but the tasks before me, no judgement just being in the moment of the breath I breathe in and out. Then, there is my personal meditation, which is always in evolution and variation.

For the purpose of this case, I am going to delve into the personal meditation, thought ribbon iron out. It is really any interesting journey! As I begin to quite myself in meditation, these have been taking place lying on my back (I do prefer to be sitting or standing). I focus on my breath, following it up one side and down and out the other and as I sink into the floor thoughts are racing by and my mind looks at them as they zoom this way and that. One will usually grab me and I will focus on it as I breathe and begin tracing it back to the orgin, almost all converge on my 4th grade year. It is truly incredible to watch.

So this one thought grabbed me the other day, it is one that floats around a lot taunting me, silly mind. It is the reel of the attempt of going on a blind date while I was living in Portland, while in school. After my scaring experience in New York in the 90's, one might begin to imagine my hesitation... I agree to meet him, let's call him Billy, up at Box Social, my friend was bartending so I went in early for a little liquid courage. I needed it! I am so shy on dates and I am always so on edge as to how long it takes for me to let my freak side out...never a good idea on a first date! I look at it as I want them to know an extreme of me right off... Haven't I mentioned I'm not the best at dating before (wink). Teach me. I breathe....

So he arrives, we have a total energetic connection, I was practically sitting in his lap after my first sip... Of my 1st drink with him, 2nd if you count the pre-drink. We had really incredible conversation. The place wasn't too booming and so I felt more at home than in public and so we are talking about something and suddenly I can't listen to him speak any more I have to feel his words coming off his tongue and out.... I locked on and started doing my best Hoover upright to date.  I felt so hot for him. It felt sooooo fucking good to finally be making

out with someone! Yes! It got to the point that my friend bartending suggested we go outside and cool off and she would join us for a smoke and a look see. She is the best!!

Yes, I am one of those PDA people that drive me so crazy:) I really just can't help myself. I eat food the same way too! I want it, it tastes good, I open my mouth and shove it in.

So my next breath takes me to another moment in time where we meet at the Edgefield, I had a gift certificate and it is one of my most favorite getaways and the soaking pool is to die for!!!! I had plans to make out in there and put the lesbian couple from that one time to shame; the plants would know!! Well, we didn't make it to the pool in time.. We scared the ghosts away that night, I tend to get into things... Maybe I'm too much. My meditation will lead me....

Next, we are at the 600 square foot studio apartment, with my twin mattress on the floor, roommate gone for a bit (thank you Nicholas) we had had some drinks and we were squeezed on the floor of the bedroom/living room/hallway to the bathroom. And I am hungry and there is something so warm and juicy and thick and meaty before my eyes and I can't help myself and eat like it was my last supper... I can be eager. I was setting myself up for some serious mouth queefs; I just wasn't prepared for the vomit that fell out of my mouth and all over his temple and valley. I was in that bathroom quicker than the time I almost didn't make it from the dieters tea. And had him cleaned up and my teeth washed in a flash. But it was no good. I had given myself my own walking papers. He couldn't see it was a compliment, it is so big it made me puke... Right??!? Anyway, it was pretty much over after that...

Then I had a jump back in time to freshmen year and HAVING to shower after PE... Yes, amazing for everyone else but not me. Oh the names, and teasing and cat calls at my beautiful pear shaped body, and did you get a look at the size of his belly button!!! We can just swim in there when tapiola pool closes.  The coach took pity on me and and just had me hand out towels to the guys when they showered. Um...ok. Thank goodness for the cinder block wall that separated us!

Next jump is to the beginning of my 4th grade year and being a boy in a private school with low class size, I tried out for the basketball team. Two benches in from the dribble drill and the coach stops everyone to yell at me because he isn't going to take the extra time to coach a lefty, and I was going to need a lot of extra help because I'm so chubby I have no hustle. That was it, my athletic career over and it translated to me being 2nd to last or last picked for teams in PE and recess... I really got into swinging on the swings and spinning a fucking jump rope, and letting my chubby body whip me around the high bar over and over until I wanted to puke and I wouldn't feel like myself when I stood up. Plus, the cold metal felt so good between my legs.

That is the root of my body embarrassment issues. It is great to know its origin, to see how that grew and manifested along the timeline of my path to understanding who is this divine creature and what have I done now.