Conversations with Sari #693,432

My best friend, Sari, and I were talking about coming out as a gay male, me, not her (wink). She said she had been trying to explain it to her sister, who believes that it is a choice to be gay, that it is not. Well, she wanted some help on how to explain something we shouldn't even have to explain.

At that moment I saw it, the answer unraveled itself from the chambers of guilt, pride and religion and revealed itself to me... My mouth opened and I said," Sari, I've got to remember what I'm about to say because all of life just made complete sense to me..."

"We are born pure of spirit, flesh and impression. We come into this world and spend the first part of it on our backs facing up, hearts completely open and allowing all to see and marvel at us. We sparkle and shine and coo and giggle because we are free.

Then it begins, just like the hands that hold us at the beginning, restrictions to our being are ingrained into the fascia of our physical being.

"He will be a perfect angle."

"He will grow up big and strong."

"He has a future."

"Don't do that Mark."

"Stop it! That's for girls."

"You are going to hell if you keep taking like that young man."

The litany of should's and shouldnt's begin being stamped upon our souls. It's not just the negative, but also the pressure to grow up and be good, to shine in God's presence, to achieve good grades, to be popular, skinny. Straight.

It all adds up.

At just a young age we are given these ideals to live by and we place them on our soul and sleeves  and after time it covers us. We become encased, it breathes with our skin and moves as we move and it is always holding us back or in check.

Until one day, something happens and you grow beyond the garment of shame or straightness, should's and shouldnt's and you feel the 'skin' shift and light seeps in... Now here is where it gets interesting...

Some of us will continue to pull it up and over to protect. A lifetime of pulling and protecting and nothing happens. You make it to the end, no mistakes, Ta-Dah. You missed the point, you didn't live because you knew you held back, out of whatever it was that held you back in life.

Then, there are those that feel that freedom, hear the cry of freedom and against everything that has been taught, choose to stand complete, free to be oneself, a return to infancy. That is how it felt to me to come out.

I got so sick of carrying around everyone's expectations of me, my own expectations and I said enough and let go.

You know what happened?

I finally found breath. I found my voice, my heartbeat and I knew I could never return. It is only that first word that is really shaky; and if you feel tears and a vibration deep inside, you are on your truth! It really isn't a gay thing; and I guess it is a choice. We all have to choose. Do I want to live as I was born? Free of everything. Or do I want to live as everyone teaches one should be and ignore the beat of my own heart, the beat my mother gave me, that her mother gave her and so on and so on until you get to the true beginning of the first heart beat being handed out with the breath of life.

I choose my reality. My truth. My heartbeat. And, Sari, I have known my entire life that I was gay,

that I was something other than what was normal. It takes strength, courage and a willingness to loose all support to speak ones truth. Mine just happened to be that I was gay. Does that make sense?"

And it does. To me, anyway, it does.

We are all born as we are, each unique in ones own way. If we are mindful, if our meditation takes us deep enough, we are shown our truth, our full potential. I have always chosen the more challenging road, I learn so much. I have learned to touch with feeling not impression. I savor the moments I get with other open hearts. I am always here for you, no matter what. You need a hug, I will hold you and listen to you in pure light without judgement. And, that's just how I was born. (Big smile).