Breaking the fear barrier....or how I choose the good over the bad..or#bitchgetoffmypole

This time of year always brings me deeper inside. I guess there is less daylight to have me wandering around with my head in the clouds and the flowers; and it it gives me the opportunity to look within and sort out this shit I call life (wink).

I suppose it all began the other evening while I was finally able to assume the position at the altar and take it all in. The candles were lit, the lava lamp flowing, incense in the air and my heart open to the moment and what each breath would reveal. I kept hearing a teachers voice,"Just stay. You want to move, just stay. You think you are done, just stay a bit longer, one more breath." I hear another," lift up through your (the sandscrit phrase goes here) abdomanals and feel your root chakra opening to the space you are sitting on, breathe with the earth." 

I have to call Nicholas. I want to move; just stay. A multitude of reasons to move get in my space and with every breath, I stay. I have had a hard time sitting in my silence, in my head and heart; there has been so much this year from every angle, tempo and dimension. The first thing that pops up is the negative. Why? Why do I always first see the negative? The inner dialogue began," you can't even do what you were going to do this year. Can't  even keep your promise to take the year off from doing stuff. Remember you were going to rest and heal. Yeah, but the moments were right and I had suspended moments in time where I was able to do, and I did and I loved it. Yeah, but you have been a total fucking hot mess all year. Come on, you have been living in sweats for almost a year. Sure, they are cute and fashionable. However, they are bloody sweats!!! Enough already." 

I stayed, I let that tape run without holding onto it or judging it; just letting it run itself out. Next, I saw fluttering of all the wonderful moments of this past year jump in and out of focus as I allowed my vision to melt into the golden glow of the lava lamp, it's slow motion ooze up and down and around, reminding me of my quest of the slug method. Taking it easy and just doing what I can do.

And I did just do that!! I took it easy and I got to be a part of countless incredible heart melting and magical moments. I had been afraid that I would miss out on life if I slowed down to take care of my life. What I have found is that I am living my life fully and completely. I exist within the highs and lows, I have become water and I shift with the tides as the moon and sun tilt us through this dance of life.

I flash to the day I drove myself to parking lot A, and I took 30 minutes to be able to climb up that dune and down to the beach so I could put my frail and inflamed body in the soothing crisp roll of the ocean. I stood there, wanting to be curled into a ball of misery on the sand, I stood on both legs and allowed my breath to flow through me and into the soft sand supporting me; the sun poked through and showered its warmth and beauty upon me, Marco being showered in Daylight. I heard the voices," how can you expect your body to support you when all you do is fill it with fear, hatred and frustration? " from that moment on, to the best of my abilities, I fill myself with only love and kindness. Don't get me wrong, I push and challenge myself, but I don't judge myself or play the negative tapes any more. Those have been discarded. Sure they want to pop up, just like at the beginning of this meditation, but I do not hold on to them or give them power over me in my life.

I do the same with actions, words or intentions towards me. That it your shit not mine. I'm not going to beat myself up because you don't like me, or think I'm too tacky, to loud, to honest or gay. No. Ann, those are your fears not mine.

I lived in fear of myself most of my life. Afraid to shine. As Zora Backdoora says in'Daylight Savings Time'," Daylight, I get it. You are Daylight and its your time to shine." Amen sister! I mean daughter.

Then the words of Nelson Mandela dance across my soul," why should we make ourselves small to make others feel more comfortable." Why indeed.

I like living at my full potency. Right now, my full potential is taking it slow, being more honest and open in my life and taking to the stage as often as I can. I breathe.

I stay.