It's that time of year....the art of letting go...or, if your panties are in a bunch, take them off

It's that time of year when I usually start with my writing up my things about my life and myself that I need to let go of or work on. For many many years, Sari and I would take the time out and write our 'intentions' down and we would go some place in nature, usually near running water and we would say them out loud as we burnt each one. We did this as a means of letting go of this or that. Over the years, we have shared this tradition with other close people in our lives. It really is such an incredible experience. 

I usually have the same 10 or 15 strips of paper and maybe another 10 of new things I want to rid myself of.. An always evolving list.  This year, I have just realize that I have let go of almost all of my issues that I burn every year. I'm serious. This year has pushed me to the edge of everything I have ever known and I had to keep letting go of my issues so that I could have the strength to hold myself together as I went through this transformation.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've still got my stuff to work on. However, I can't begin to express how freeing it is to recognize that I am done with this and that.

Most of what I have had to let go of have been my cravings; I have ALWAYS been insatiable, I just can't ever get enough. This rings true specifically to food, candy and alcohol. Three of my absolute favorite things!! My death row meal would be chicken strips with blue cheese dressing and honey mustard dressing, a double whiskey ginger or 3 a peanut butter hot fudge sundae with extra toppings and a pack of sour patch kids. Or, and peanut m and m's, starbursts, a bowl of tiramisu, a Caesar salad and a rare fillet mignon.Having been forced to remove them from my equation of life; has given me so much freedom. I didn't recognize that until this very moment when I was gathering my list of things to write.

My entire life has revolved around food and the service industry. Every aspect of it. So, I've felt a bit like a tourist discovering a whole new world (cue the Aladin soundtrack). It has been almost a year of discovering how to navigate through this new territory; and I'm starting to get the hang of it. I'm not as nervous as I was, the bucked teeth and feathered hair only pop into focus every now and again. I know you've seen it;)

I'm kind of excited, I've been so focused on the pain and frustration that I didn't recognize the sweet feel of the wind on me as I sat relaxed taking in the moment. There are two to add to my list: let go of the pain, especially the phantom pain. Allow the frustration to be there, get to know it so that it is no longer a frustration, but an understanding. I'm going to add shame to the list, it is one that has been on there from the beginning. The shame of being me. All those years of yells, attacks, church, fears and jeers need to roll of of me as water as I allow myself to be carried by the currents of my life. I'm going to find my bouyancy so that I can be one with the water and rise and fall with the tide, my boarders always changing as I roll on, just like the Columbia rolls on.

I am not trying to sound sappy, I am really just blown away by this sense of freedom I feel right now. I feel like I've won, even though I've lost so much.  And... Add the fact that we have been in rehearsals for our New Years eve celebration and creating and rehearsing and taking ideas from the head and placing them on my body and the bodies of my family of performers; first being awkward and unsure and them, bam, there it is girl!! Work! YAAS queens YAAS!!! I'm being challenged for this show too; I'm learning a few new numbers, and pushing myself to express in ways I don't normally do. Feels good!!

I'm I know it is still like a month away, but I am so excited for this NYE!!! Having us all together in the Columbian Theater, us performing for you, you cheering us on, giving us the life force we all require. That ebb and flow of emotions and bodies dancing through the space. Each time, my favorite moment is being surrounded by all of that love and positivity. We've got each other. That feeling of all our hearts pulsing in that room, fills me in ways I can't even begin to express. But it carries me on and on and on and when I feel down or beat up; I just place myself in that circle of light on the stage and I feel you all deep inside of me and all around me and I know I've got this. I hope that you feel the same. Because I send it out to you all on the daily. Really I do. Our community is one of my greatest purposes and pleasures in life! Couldn't ask for a better town to love on!!! 

As we move forward, as the days darken and the pressures surround us; let's us all remember how lucky we really are to have found our place and our heart beat and may we continue to look out for and love one another!! 

You have mine,

Daylight