I found myself at the hot springs today. I had just crawled out of the cave the hot healing water comes from, not a graceful thing when naked and the rocks are a bit slick, but so worth it. I was sitting in the middle of the pool, completely alone in nature taking in the beauty of the world I get to live in.
I was focusing on my breathing and the pains my body holds onto and giving my tissue permission to let go and melt away with the flowing hot water. I opened my eyes as I was looking up and I saw just a suspended thread of golden spiderweb floating above me about 20 feet up. I could not see the beginning or end just the bit being kissed by the sunlight. It is said that the spiderweb is the first known form of lanuguage and whenever I happen across one I do my best to listen. I heard the words, 'melt' 'heal' 'root' 'openness' 'trust.'
At that very moment of trust, a man appeared coming down the rocks towards the pools. He carried a 5 gallon bucket and intent with him. He set down the bucket and lit some white sage and began walking around the pool, smudging the space. Those of you who know me, understand how awesome this is to me. He made a full circle, his focus on respecting the power of these waters and land that holds them.
Now mind you, I am doing my best not to watch because he was having a moment and it just isn't nice to stare at a hot spring (even though he was still fully clothed). When he finished, he removed his clothes and instantly submerged face first in the water; floating like a little baby in the womb of Mother Nature.
Then, the lesson began... His whole intent, the focus of my meditation too, was on opening the root chakra. I was doing my own breathing and stretching and melting, because in those waters it really is what one should do. There is nothing creepy about any of this, I want you to know. It was one of the most beautiful and powerful shared, nonverbal moments I have ever had...and I have had many;)
The lesson was/is: I need to open up. My heart is wide open! I share that with sundry to all!! It is my pleasure in life. But my root chakra is another story. As I was laying there trying to allow my legs to relax open, trying not to hide my manhood and years of held anguish to my private area; I realized that I have never addressed the shame I carry there as a survivor of rape. I've just ignored it, I have crossed it and ignored it and tried never to look at that shame of being raped, of feeling dirty of being used and discarded. Like a lightening bolt through my subconscious mind down through my crotch it shuttered through me.... Let it go!!! Open up! I opened my eyes and the golden thread was still in my sight, but I was able to see more of it. I focused on my breathing, trying to fill up as much as I could and join my silent guide to this journey as he began to 'om' and as I found the strength within those breaths I discovered the length of the spiderweb stretched across the pool. I understood that the breath into opening up will give me the language, however unspoken it may be, to heal and find security and trust within myself again. It blew me away. I remained in this meditation with this mystery guide for quite a while and, then,silently made my way to my body and my clothes and left my guide with a nod and maybe a feather on his car as an offering. His ride was obvious;)
The craziest part it that upon returning to Eugene and walking across campus, to the dance department to say hello; I walked amongst a red flag filled lawn representing the numbers of rape survivors reported nationwide. It shook me to the core....And my quest expands as I move down my path discovering ways to unravel the years of pain and shame I have carried around for something that i needn't hold on to any longer.....we all have the ability to heal, to let go of pain and suffering. It is a simple action-to let go- but one of the most difficult one to do. We have to trust... In ourselves that we are worth letting go of the pain. We are worth the language that the suspended golden spiderweb is trying to teach...
I
No comments:
Post a Comment