Some nights, when I can't sleep, I picture myself standing on the back porch of 1435 3rd, my childhood home, and I will kind of run glide to the edge of the forest and do a visual tour of the forts we built, the meditation field of lilly of the valley with my meditation bench where I would go and sit alone and pray like the good little boy I was (wink). We had 3 forts as a neighborhood and then I had two separate ones I had for myself because sometimes I just needed to get away from everyone and silence my demons so that I could continue to be the good little boy.. I love this visual tour. That forest was our second home.
Sometimes I go through each room of the house and picture myself standing in the kitchen, looking out at the raspberry bushes as I wait for my chocolate chip, marshmallow and peanut butter to stop spinning in the microwave so I can eat my post paper route treat..
I go to many places like this, homes I have had in my life and remember the lessons and the sensations of how my life felt.
Tonight ( I'm sharing this next part with you because I was thinking of telling it at the show but I'd love your opinion on whether I should tell it or not) , my story takese back to when I moved back from New York in 1996, I had my great apartment across the street from Star of the Sea, I had Stella, my mannequin and sounding board for my life and the River Theater was being formed and I was on the team to bring the Summerstock season to life! It was such an awesome time and one that I block out because of how embarrassed I was from that time in my life.
As many of you know, I enjoy the party, back then I did quite a bit. On opening night, I decided to party it up:) I put on my black vynl pants, my black mesh shirt, body glitter, platform shoes and a lot of gel in my hair... I was one fierce club kid stepping out to party in my home town and Stella approved;)
Well, I may have drank too much and maybe took a pain pill for extra fun... I went to the cafe to have Uriah prepare me a prawn meal and partake in some red wine, this was pre-voodoo room cafe, so cocktails were not an option.. Then, I made my way to the theater for the show....
Got there in time for the opening of the doors and the mingling with all the fun people out to celebrate...
I'm getting to my true confession and the embarrassing and stupid and strange thing I have done..... Don't hate me.. Please...remember I was young and returning from a lot of hurt and facing the pain of my past and trying to find courage to try and live true.... Interesting fact: even though I was like TOTALLY gay, I still was not comfortable with it and I tried to keep a lid on something that I couldn't contain, but I tried because I just really wanted to make my parents happy, because I was a good little boy.
Here we go:
So I go over to the bar next door to have more drinks with my friends and we are sitting at the table that is visible right when a person walks in.. Well, I'm going on and on because I'm drunk and the pill, I love to call her Vicki, ( this is also the part of the story when I start laughing as I tell it mostly because I amSO stupid) was starting to say hey. I'm in the middle of a sentence and all of a sudden my head is springing up and back really fast, what the fuck.... My friends were all, " are you ok?" " you just hit your head to the table and sprang back up."
I'm all yeah I'm fine.... Then it happens again only I go flying back in my chair having a fucking pass the fuck out kind of seizure thing that is so frightening when someone is having to watch it.... I feel so terrible still for putting those of you that were there through that... I come to and I'm on the floor and everyone is hovering over me saying that the ambulance is on the way... No fucking way. Fuck times 5000 is running through my brain as I'm trying to think of a way out of this situation. I blurt out (and I do this because I don't want anyone to know of the drugs I was on), " I think I'm allergic to the shrimp I just are and it's making me sick, please grab someone from next door and they can just drive me home.... No way I was getting in that ambulance... I was being driven away as we saw the lights approaching... I was humiliated... But not as much as the next day when people started coming over to bring me treats and take care of me as I recovered from being sick from the shrimp. I couldn't tell the truth.... I was too ashamed. I wasn't able to really ever show my face I the bar again.. I went back much later, months, but I never felt comfortable because of what I had put the employees and my friends through.
I dedicated myself to my role of being allergic to shellfish, I added crab as a punishment, as well as even making sure I lived the lie to myself- I never once cheated in these 17 years of the lie. Even when I moved away and started over in other places I maintained that lie because I could not live with the humiliation of what I had done and how I lied to make myself look less bad. I am one stupid mother fucker.
Just this year, I was faced with a situation where I was with some people in a terribly frightening and awkward situation and the truth came out. In that moment I realized that I could lie no longer. My curtain came down and I was able to leave the role behind..
What drives one to do such a thing? Wouldn't I have been much better off telling the truth and saving the whatever it may be that I thrust on all those people? And why on earth was it a good idea to live the lie for 17 fucking years??
Finally telling the truth on that was huge. After the first time of revealing the truth, I did go to some friends and tell them I really could eat shrimp and went through with it and told the story, the true story. I have many friends that tease me about it, testing me in public because I'm still uncomfortable with confronting the truth of my situation.... I take it because I've earned the jokes.
I lived that lie almost as long as the lie of being straight;) that one went on into the 20+ year mark;)
I feel comforted and nervous sharing this darkness with you, but I am working at being a more open, loving and honest human so it's best to just be done with it.. It was my past and I have finally had the foresight to let go of the lie and step forward on my path of playful benediction.
I really do hope you will still want to be my friend and celebrate this life, this now with me!
I send out my deepest heartfelt apologies to anyone I hurt through this time in my life...
Humbly and yours always,
Daylight
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