This has been the true test for me, taking it easy and not pushing like I like to do (wink). I have been cautious and almost timid in my approach to my pelvic thrusts and step ball changes. I am speaking choreography people, not bedroom; although that does cum up later;)
Anyway(sss), last weekend was the Shorty Shorts Queer Film Festival that we hosted at the Columbian Theater. I was really excited because Shitney Houston was in town and I've been wishing that for a long time. I wanted to be my most fabulous!! I was brave and wore an outfit I've never worn; Becky actually cut like 8 inches off maybe 10 minutes before Tim and I walked out the door. It was just too long, you know me... Barely covering the ass is how I like it! I also wore my new wig (compliments of Nicholas) and I wanted to wear me heels... They had been calling to me for weeks and they were being given a chance to come out for the night. I was really only going to be sitting in them and standing for photos;)
Well! Let me tell you!! Putting those babies on was like triggering a memory switch and all of my rotators and adductors remembered what it felt like to work and work it we did! I seriously hadn't felt this physically on my feet for months!
Made it through the night, got all cleaned up and I was sliding into bed and I knelt in to give Tim a kiss and my knee popped in the way I have been craving for since Christmas!! I woke on Sunday feeling the best I have in 2 years!!
I'm keeping myself in check. I'm pausing, not pushing. Ready to run, but stopping to smell the roses instead.
This morning, I went to town with Becky and I put up posters around town for Daylight's Dance Explosion, and had the most wonderful conversations with the people I get to share my life with!! The support in this community is incredible.
One of my conversations was about the battle we must endure in life. I have to always remind myself that we all have our things, the challenges that have made us the people we are. What I appreciate are the ones that are willing to share their stories to help others along our way. Finding understanding through hearing other people's stories is a connection I always value. One of the biggest, I'll call it a mantra because I do use it to ground myself, lessons I've learned is: we can encourage but never enforce. I remind myself this daily. I can only encourage, never enforce. I learned that one in therapy years ago.
Talk therapy is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. It should be a part of our self care pampering. For example, this year I released a wall I had had up for 30 years and I thought I had dropped that shit years ago. Nope, it was there, shielding my heart and keeping me distant. What the hell?! I was walking in battle and didn't even realize I was moving in attack mode. It's like that moment in the day when the shoulders release and you weren't even aware that they were being held.
Some days my nerves get the better of me...I have to check myself, emotionally/soulfully, before I head out into the world. Do I have the means to be myself today? Can I do this? Sometimes, I have to change my outfit, or forget the hat. Do I really 'need' the gold glitter eyeliner? (I do, of course, but I'd rather not have the gawkments).
I most always win, but I have developed a knack for feeling the vibe before I head out. It's just like how friends know when they need to walk with me home. You can just feel it in the air. I can't tell you how many times Sari has jumped over a booth to protect me!!! It is why I don't go into certain places in town. I kind of believe that once I get my life threatened in a place, I don't really need to go back. Astoria has changed so much in my life time here, it is so much easier to be openly gay than it was before I came out and was coming out in the late 80's/early 90's. But there are still days where the vibe I pick up on is one of homophobia. I still get called fag quite a bit by passing rigs, and I can tell when someone doesn't want to help me when I walk into some shops.
We all have our ways we find security in being in public. Handheld devices have made it so easy to be out and not have to even need to acknowledge anyone or anything. For myself, I've got my strut playlist which I play to keep my feet moving when they want to stop. I take the headphones out downtown, unless I'm in a hurry, because I really enjoy smiling and saying hi to my friends and visitors when I pass them on the street. It is one of the things I really love about Astoria, it's ok to smile at people on the street.
I've noticed that since I've let go of that wall I was holding up and didn't even know it, that I am able to see more into how I step in the world. I really do enjoy a good flutter, I like to dart and glide, soar, skip and dance on the wind. I like to feel my connection to the earth and when I exhale I do picture light bursting throughout every pore of my being expanding my capacity to be.
This IS going to be a great summer!!! I can just feel it so deep within me!!! And....August 7...DRAGALUTION WILL RETURN TO OUR HOME STAGE AT THE COLUMBIAN for a fabulous Regatta weekend show!!! I know!!! I can not wait! And we will be in the parade again and I hope you will consider walking, riding, dancing and joining us:) it really is the best time!
I guess what I'm really getting at is it is really incredible to live in a town where people look out for one another so that we can work at being ourselves. I want you to know I always have your back. I will always step up for you and if you need someone to chime in for you.. I can get LOUD, REAL LOUD. Now is the time we need to use our voices and continue to grow and bring the change that we keep help fostering to grow! We are all worth it! 
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