If I should die before I wake, or another curious adventure of chub rub Davis

These past few weeks I have gotten to spend a lot of time with my siblings. It has been incredible. Oh, the stories that we talk about! Or, they ask me to tell them the story because I am the one with the memory and never forgets anything....it is a blessing and a curse. Now, my mother has always liked me to keep my big mouth shut because I have a tendency to just talk talk talk and say what is on my mind and not use a filter. It is a gift....that my mother would like to return (wink).

Anyway(ssss), I have always been a firm believer in talking. I think it is important to share our stories, good and bad, and understand one another a bit more than just surface chatter. I consider myself very lucky because I am surrounded by a community of friends that talk about just about anything. We laugh, we eeew, we cry and try to understand and judgement stays out of the room.

Many stories have been jumping up in my mind and one in particular is just begging to be told. This is one of those stories I really shouldn't tell because it is just too embarrassing but it has taught me so much. I believe it is the beginning of my path of shame that I wandered down for far too long. Ok. I'm gonna do this. It is much better than the shrimp story...

"If I should die before I wake I want you to know I've always been a slut. I guess that is a strong word. I have been sexually curious and explorative since about the age of 11.

It all started with a friend in the neighborhood. We were naturally thrust together because we were the chubby kids in the hood. But we did far more than eat together.. These stories have been bubbling up to the surface for years. I had a few I always remembered; like the time we were laying out in his backyard.

I was wearing my short shorts (blue with yellow trim, my gym shorts from Star of the Sea) and I had a boner and I was making it pulse for, we will call him Jimmy, and he thought it was so funny that he called his mom, who was gardening near by, over to see my neat trick.

In my mind, I knew it was a sin, yet, I maintained the essence of innocence as she came over to see my neat trick. I pulsed it for her, grinning through my bucked tooth shyness, my feathered hair being hit by the sun giving me a halo effect, which did not work. She said that it was not a trick I should be sharing and that we should go play.

We were always exploring/role playing.. One of our games  was for Jimmy to be waiting in the chicken coop in his deep backyard, and I would come over and pretend to be 'Tina' the neighbor girl coming over for a visit and we would make out and touch each other...with our eyes closed because then it wouldn't count. Yeah right. These scenarios varied from day to day but we made out and touched each other often.

We would also go into my hidden back closet with a flashlight and magnifying glass and examine our crotches for incoming pubic hairs because I had noticed a few of the boys in the locker room getting tufts of dark hair there and under their arms. I really wanted mine to grow in so I could be a sexy man like Bo or Luke Duke from the Duks of Hazzard. Or maybe like the sexy guys I would see in the YMCA locker room. I have always hated that my back and front chub never allowed my butt dimples or front v to ever show. I wanted them so bad.

I think the biggest blow in jimmy and my relationship came after I had moved from my one room with the hidden back closet and I moved into the North bedroom it was much larger. I was able do do my shell collection justice and spread it out. The closet, however, was a small project I had taken on and dad helped me build a cedar tongue and groove closet with one shelf. The problem was it was only 18-24 inches deep. Not really the space we were used to.

I built an extension tent to the closet. I used fancy sheets and fabric and poles and string to create a mystical tropical place where it was always warm and required us removing our clothing.

On one of our exploration sessions, Jimmy said he wanted to hump me. I asked him what he meant ( I was being schooled by nuns and told that just touching myself was a sin) and he said it means that I lay on my stomach and he would lay on top of me and rub his dick between my butt cheeks until he peed. And that is what we did.

I guess we were loud and as he was peeing between my butt cheeks, my dad drew back the flap of the tent and saw us both naked with Jimmy peeing between my cheeks. He said we needed to go outside and play. To this day, my dad has never mentioned the incident.

I never got punished. I don't know what was, if anything was, said to Jimmy's parents. I remember them moving soon after and I have never spoken to Jimmy again.

I think of him often. I wonder how he looks back on our time together. Or does he? It is strange I have felt ashamed for our relationship and my sexual orientation for years. I've felt dirty and perverted but never bad about it. We were innocent in so many ways. We were developing and exploring during a time when people just didn't talk about sex with their kids. All I knew was that everything I liked and desired I was going to burn in hell for all eternity. So, I kept my dirty perversions to myself and presented the world with a sweet perfect boy. But that isn't what the people saw. They all saw through me, years before I ever could and I can not for the life of me figure out why... Why I didn't, why I couldn't see. Blinded by my shame I was trapped in a shell of a body that was not me."