As the storm rages

The other morning, while I was walking to work in the wind and rain, I was overwhelmed by the electricity and rage in the air; violence washed over me and tried to grab hold and the Doctor Seuss tree out front of the Daily Astorian, waved its long arms and encouraged me to just let it roll off of me like the rain and not hold onto the rage.

I have spent many many years curbing my rage. It is an aspect of my being that I have never been comfortable with. This past year, has taught me to surrender to the rage, and what I found as I gave into it, was that it dissolved and washed away with the tides.

It's a mystery, there is an emptiness within me, where I kept it locked down for so long, and within that emptiness, I have found a calm and peace that is so satisfying.

I think what brought the shift along was my need to find patience and kindness for myself; something that has never been easy for me. As a perfectionist and former human who lived for guilt, self doubt and bottled up rage, it was always easiest for me to let my quick witted tongue and attitude slash through the air and strike at will. I hated it and loved it at the same time. 

In conversation, I would always have my mind racing for what to respond with never really hearing what was being said. 

There is an art to listening; a skill we should all focus on. It's has gotten to a point where it seems like no one can listen because we are all too busy tuning in and freaking out. I feel like we all need to take time out and breathe together and find the rhythm of our breaths and then, take another moment to allow that stillness to sink into our souls and the, take a moment to look each other in the eye and recognize that we are all the same. We are all just trying to make the best of it, it being our journey through life.

Some of us are worse off than others, but the reality is that we all crave the same thing; we have just forgotten what it is we are really searching for because life has turned into a race and we don't even know what the prize is, all we know is we have to keep going and moving past those in front of us and not even acknowledge one another when we have that moment of being side by side.

Fear pushes us along, and we never look back at it because we have been trained to not look at our fears, keep running from them.

This year, I stopped running and I turned around and looked at my fears and I actually let them touch me and hold me and I found that they were not as frightening as I had been lead to believe.

Since I stopped, I find I am not winded any longer, my shoulders have begun to relax because I'm not using them as a shield from keeping my fear and things I don't want to deal with a way. And, as they have released, I have noticed my heart expand and my capacity for patience, breath, love and laughter has grown.

We all have our points in time we get locked into; maybe a moment when we felt most alive, a moment of total disaster, rage, confusion, infancy. For myself, it spans from 18-21. The years I truly learned to guard myself and put on my armor and try to walk brave even though every step caused my soul to quiver within out of fear of being beaten down one more time.

But through that guarding of myself, I allowed myself to continually play the game of master and servant, me being the servant, only it wasn't nearly as sexy as the song made me feel(wink). Too many years of abusive relationships because it was what I knew.

About 3 years ago, I learned to not react in fights but to listen and respond in kindness. It was so strange the first time I did it; I remember it so well, it was a New Year's Eve event we were doing at the cafe and Uriah and I could really get into it, and I stopped myself from it. I just told him that I wouldn't raise my voice with him like that anymore. Something shifted in me, in our relationship, and the hold was gone.

I decided to try it more often, I tried to lower my guard and allow my fragile being some air.

It feels so good, being free from that conflict within. I love that I can see people now and not duck and run or puff and strut to avoid actual interaction. 

So, as the storm blows and the waters rise and the vibrations get electric, I let my shoulders drop and I walk with the elements and let it shake the shackles from my being and let myself go breathless knowing that I have the skills to fill myself back up and trust in the journey.