The visitor at the beach

 I find myself sitting at the beach, again, on my rock; the place I allow myself to stand unguarded and vulnerable to the world and the powers that be. It is the place I am able to see just how small I truly am in the scope of the world. Oftentimes, things seem so massive, life and problems too big to even face, fear pushing me down and causing my soul to shrink. Not here, at the jetty, the salt air filling my lungs, the wind caressing my skin and the sound of the waves finding their way into my heartbeat and within that moment of connection I see beyond myself and the world and recognize that we all roll with the tides. Some days we are on the high, other days the low but it is always shifting and changing and moving on.

As I sit there feeling the screams within subside and my shields drop as the warmth of the rocks seep into my core, grounding me, the crack of the waves trembling the very place I sit. The sun breaks through, glorious rays of light jumping free and making the ocean appear to be mercury so thick and silver and oddly gold. The sky takes my breath away and the bird soaring in the sky grabs my attention. It is so large and graceful and its wings carry the bird across the water towards shore, towards me.

I think nothing of it, birds soaring over head always fills me with excitement and awe. This bird was approaching me, however, as in flying right to me, descending to my very spot at the jetty. As it makes its final descent, I am able to see past the blinding brilliance in the sky and I notice that the bird is actually a man; it is you, the man I have been coming here to hold space for in your absence. 

You land before me, wings turning into arms and they wrap me in an embrace I have been craving these past many years. As you hold me, I allow myself to be held and to hold you; I breathe in, grabbing the rich aroma of you... Smells I've missed. I can feel your ancestors in a drum circle around us as our embrace lifts me from the earth as you whip me through the sky with your touch.

You let go of me, but still stay connected, taking me in with your eyes. Oh how I've missed your pools of blue. The depths they took me to, always thinking there would be a shore to rest upon, the reality is last time I gazed into your eyes way nearly 20 years ago. 

Do you recall our first meeting? We met before we ever met. In that space between worlds, me looking for my guide and you appearing from the forest guiding me along my way. You stepped forward, caught me with your eyes and I was pulled towards you, a pull which turned to flight and I landed on the middle of three branches facing north, I looked down at you, only you are me looking up at me and I was a hawk facing north.

Our first physical encounter was from across the street as you caught my eye at the corner of 11th and Marine Drive, you held me in your gaze as you walked right to the cafe door. I remember being in the back kitchen silently freaking out in the mirror trying to figure out why or how you were real??? I pull myself together and walk out front.

There you are, sitting at number 7, in your red and white checked Italian tablecloth shirt, couldn't mistake those eyes. I'm trembling as I place a menu down and ask you what brought you to the cafe. You smile and say, "I came here to find you." My heart. In my mind, I'm jumping over the counter and making love to you without holding back; I can feel your eyes on me sensing the same scenario as I continue my work.

We go on like that, pulled in to each other...

On our third date, I tell you of my vision, you tell me of your Indian heritage and that your name is Hawk Facing North. I'm so wet right then, I can feel you so deeply inside of me and I in you and we never even did it.

You opened my heart and my eyes in so many incredible ways and then, you vanished without a trace and my heart still searches for you.

As the years have passed, the memory of your smell has faded. I can still feel your skin beneath my hand if I dare to go that deep. I feel your breath on my neck, guiding me on still.

You have visited me in that in between place, twice. Each time, encouraging me to continue to let go and open my heart and trust that my feet and soul will take me to where I need to be.

I used to pray that they would lead me back to you. I kept my porch light on for you every night for 7 years. I held vigil for you until the day I realized I was also holding my breath. Actually, you whispered that in my ear.

You holding me, right here at the beach, brought all that into focus for me. I don't know what I was hoping for.. I guess a guide and a lover. I'll take the guide. You have helped me to understand so much in this life. 

As you look into me, I feel my fortress wash away with the rolling tide. You tell me I needn't be an army of one any longer. That I must trust my breath and my voice and my heart and step on with as much openness I can sustain.

You, here, now makes me realize that as much as I have brought to my breath and my present moment, I have found that I have been suspended and separated by the fortress of my being. I thought I was free and flowing but the reality is that I was still bound. Well, that is what my mind

lead me to believe. I can see that I am not bound, that I am free to move as I must, it was just a trick of the eye.

You remind me of the importance of community and how there should be no restraint, no ignorance, no blind eye. We are all one, we are all here finding our breath and our heart beats and paths and if we would just look up and out, we would discover that we are not alone in any one thing that we do because we are all connected, drawn to the places that bring us more deeply home.

And as I sit at my spot on the rocks, taking in the lessons I have been given, I am reminded of the guidance you have given me in all these years I felt you had abandoned me, to you, my sweet David, I allow my heart to open more fully and allow all the sweet salt air to refresh my soul for the next part of this journey.