I'm making these silly cut out mirrors for DRAGALUTION and was looking for adhesive aluminum. So, David and I went to utzingers true value cause they have everything you can think of!
Well, we are standing by the register waiting for some help when the biggest fear of my 1986-1996 came into focus... At that moment I had the whole frightening past he put me through flash before my eyes. The intimidation in the halls, the shoving in the lockers and down the stairs. Having him follow me In his truck yelling the most hateful and evil things. The night he came into McDonalds after a game when there were two buses of kids standing in there waiting to be served by me and two others and he comes in yelling " fag!" And everything else gay and hurtful to say as I'm waiting on people and me looking at him, swallowing my fear and tears and saying, " I don't care what you think of me because I don't value your opinion as a human." And him jumping across the counter to grab me and having to be pulled out of the restaurant by the managers on duty yelling he is going to kill me.. The moment he his standing behind me in Peter Pan on his tip goes so he could breathe down my neck which made it even more frightening whispering how I better watch my back because he was going to get me. Peeling out of the driveway scaring me to death. And the day he ran me down on 8th and threw me to the ground and punched me and beat my face on the pavement until I got on my knees to oppologize for embarrassing him in front of his friends. I had no choice but to beg him to forgive me.
Even though I had Dean and Sari as my constant body guards. Honestly, I have so many that still to this day watch my back and know when they need to walk me home. But Dean had my back and saved my ass more than once!! Still, I couldn't walk alone for 10 years because of him. No matter how strong I was getting he still had so much fear driven into every fibre of my being.
I saw, no lived, all those moments in that flash of seeing him and I did not have one wavering moment of fear. I felt so chill and powerful and healed and free!!!!! It was incredible. And I said, " well hello (insert name)" bought my rubber cement and left feeling more incredible than I could even possibly imagine.
Ain't life grand!
I feel you, brother. I'm not gay, but bullies still made my life a living hell at various times and eventually were the prime reason I dropped out of school at age 16. I used to dread going to school...and then dread walking home from school,,,and dread going out to places where I thought I might be victimized. It's hard to believe, now, that I lived in such fear. People tend to idealize childhood and dismiss the damage that bullies can inflict. I spent many hours plotting revenge scenarios. My father, who grew into a big and strong man, was tormented by his stepbrother so badly that when he reached his full growth he tracked the fucker down with the intent of beating the crap out of him. When he got to his house, he saw that the person he had feared was not worthy of his time, was now powerless over him, and that allowed him to walk away with a sense of closure.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations.
Wow. Powerful stories, Marco and Kevin. Childhood is highly overrated. But the good thing is, you're never too old to have a happy one!
ReplyDeleteThank you both for being such outstanding humans.
Sue S